Boys & Things

Kelly is sitting on my porch when I get home. Her blonde hair is perfect and she looks great in her shorts and tank top. But all I can think about when I look at her is how my dad was on top of her. So I breeze by her and go up to my door but it’s locked. My dad’s car is in the driveway so he’s here. He always leaves the door unlocked when he’s home. I used to ask him why and he said that he’d rather shoot the damn intruders instead of paying for an alarm system. So our doors are alarm-free and my dad carries around a handgun.

“He wants you to talk to me,” she says. “About what you saw… Will you look at me?” I don’t want to. Kelly is pretty and perfect and could get any guy she wanted. I don’t understand why she went after my dad. He’s old and way past his prime. But apparently still pretty good in the sack. Why else would you date someone twice your age? She asks again, “EJ, will you look at me?”

I do but only because I want to get this over with. I want to drop her because what kind of friend fucks your dad? It just doesn’t happen. She doesn’t look sorry at all. But she doesn’t look very happy. Mostly she looks like she doesn’t want to have this conversation any more than I do. “What is there to talk about, Kelly? You fucked my dad. I’m not real clear on the lines and boundaries of friendship but I think that’s a no-no.” Kelly stands up. I’m taller than her so I don’t know why she does this. Maybe so I don’t talk down to her any more than I would have. She twists her hair around her finger the way she only does when she’s thinking real hard.

“I’m sorry, EJ,” she tells me.

For some reason, sorry just doesn’t seem to cut it. “I don’t want your apology,” I say. “I want you to never see my dad again.” I feel like an overprotective parent trying to keep their kid from seeing a bad influence. That’s dumb, though, because my dad’s the parent and he’s the one I’m protecting. Or maybe I’m protecting Kelly. Although maybe I shouldn’t say protecting seeing as I no longer give a shit about either of them. It isn’t illegal, I guess. She’s eighteen. But it’s still gross.

Kelly shakes her head. “I can’t do that,” she says.

“Why not?” Because he can’t be that good in bed and he’s not attractive. And he’s my dad. Jesus Christ.

“Because I love him. And he loves me.”

I throw my hands up because Kelly “loves” someone every other week. “My dad loves hotdogs, Kelly! He doesn’t love you. He loves your vagina.”

She actually tears up. “Shut up, EJ. Just because your boyfriend likes my brother better doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch!” Did I mention Greg is Kelly’s brother? Cause, yeah, he is. And actually, I think I have every right to be a bitch right now. She’s having sex with my dad. Her brother is going to be having sex with my boyfriend probably tonight. Their family is just fucking shit up for me right now.

“I hope he gets you pregnant, you stupid whore.” Okay, that was probably uncalled for but my day has sucked. Kelly starts crying now. My dad comes out, slamming the screen door against the side of the house. This just means more drama for me because I made daddy’s girlfriend cry. Well good! She deserves it. You deserve it too, you sick pervert. I don’t say that one out loud.

“EJ, what is your problem?” Dad demands. He wraps his arms around Kelly’s shoulders and she cries into his body. I look like my dad, tall and skinny, but Dad’s put on a beer gut. We both have brown hair and gray eyes but he has bigger boobs than me now. I’m pretty much unattractive just like he is and I mostly resemble a boy. At least he’s supposed to look like boy. I don’t know if Kelly finds his jiggly man-boobs and Jell-O tummy sexy but that’s what she gets. Why she would want all that hairy fat on top of her, I can’t even begin to understand.

I stare at him because I’m not the one with the problem. “What’s my problem? She’s eighteen!” I point at Kelly who isn’t looking at me anymore. She’s put her hand under Dad’s too small shirt and is probably stroking his stomach hair. “Why are you doing this in front of me?” It isn’t as bad as earlier, when they were both almost naked but Dad is getting too excited and I’m about to throw up.

“This is what love looks like, EJ!” Kelly cries. “You and Ben never did anything!” Not in public. But we’ve done a lot of things in private. Which is where this kind of thing should happen.

I can’t stand here and watch their PDA so I turn and go inside. I go upstairs without looking at the couch. I’ll never sit there again. No matter how many times it gets clean. No way in hell. The hallway is full of pictures and Mom’s smiles down at me. She died when I was little and Dad was devastated. He didn’t really leave the house for a few years until I started going to elementary school. Then he got a job and things got better. Then when I got to middle school, he met a lady who would come over a lot and they’d just go to his room. It took me a long time before I figured out what they were doing in there but they were quiet so it wasn’t awful. Now he likes teenagers. Not only teenagers, but my friend who he’s known since she was nine. Did he have gross feelings about her when she was young? It makes me even more sick.

My room is in the back of the house and I have two windows. One faces the side of the house and the other faces the backyard. Our backyard sucks. Dad hasn’t mowed it in years so it resembles a jungle more than a yard. Our little dog Henry likes to go out there and play predator. He’s a pug and this is the only excitement he gets. The side of my house isn’t all that great but I live next door to Cooper James who ranks up with Tate Armstrong in terms of hotness. Cooper graduated last year and he was Kelly’s favorite boyfriend. I wonder if he knows she’s dating my dad. Probably not.

Cooper really loved Kelly. She broke his heart when, wouldn’t you know it, Tate Armstrong expressed an interest in her. But it was just for play and nothing ever happened. Kelly fawned over Tate for another two months though. Cooper and Tate don’t really get along. Which is too bad because I think that if they joined forces they could take over the town. Or at least all the girls in the town.

To show my anger, I toss things around my room a little. A stuffed animal here, some loose paper there. It’s a pretty quiet rage, I’ll admit, but I don’t even know if they’re inside and already this mess is annoying me. Not even five minutes after I shove all the papers off my desk with a scream, I lean down and pick them back up. Then I stomp into my bathroom and down three vitamin D pills. I don’t know if vitamin D is one of the vitamins that can kill you but I doubt an extra pill is going to send me to an early grave. I’m about to leave the bathroom again when I see my reflection.

I’m red on my nose and my chin and half my cheeks. But from the middle of my nose up, I’m still pale as a newborn baby’s bottom. The underside of a fish’s belly. Whatever you want to call it. I look ridiculous. I press my fingers against the sunburn. It goes white for a second before turning glaringly red again. The burn doesn’t hurt yet but tomorrow it will. I thank god that school is already over and I can just hide in my room. Then I thank god that I have a lock on my door. I splash water on my face and leave.

I go on my computer and log into Facebook. Already Ben has changed his relationship status. No longer is he “in a relationship with EJ Blakely”. No, he’s “in a relationship with Greg Marion”. It has 42 likes and ten comments. Five people congratulate him and say way to be gay. Two people call him a faggot. Two people say that it’s uncool to say faggot. One person says how they never want to hook up with me because I make people gay. This comment has thirty likes alone. I glare at the person who said that, some random person who I’ve never heard of before. I click on his name and scan his pictures. He’s a fairly okay looking kid, this Jason Roth. But I’m pissed at him. So I write a quick note on his wall: “I’m glad that Ben and I could help you come out. Make sure you tell your parents about your boyfriend! (:” It gets three likes before I exit out.

My phone buzzes with a text message, a “Don’t start anything, EJ,” from Ben. I send him a smiley face and turn my phone off. Dad bangs on my door a half hour later but I don’t answer. He threatens to break down my door and I yell at him to fuck off. He says he raised me better than that and I tell him that he raised Kelly, too, and does that mean that we’re going to fuck as well, since he’s obviously into that? He leaves me alone after that. I go to my window and watch Cooper eat cereal for a little while but even that gets boring. So even though it’s four in the afternoon and I’ll probably wake up at like eight, I lay down on my water bed and close my eyes.