Chasing Cars

“I don’t think I can keep doing this, Ash.”

These mumbled words, spoken in Jeremey’s familiar warm timbre as he sat outside on our fire escape with my sister, sent a jolt of unease down my spine as I huddled under my blankets pretending not to spy on them.

“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

I could tell by the tone in her voice that Ashley was royally ticked off right now. She probably had her hands balled up in her lap, pressed tight between her thighs just like she did when she was trying hard not to hit something. And the way she bit out each word meant her jaw would be clenched, that fire in her eyes blazing. Jeremey let out a sigh.

“I can’t keep loving someone incapable of love.”

“Love?” Ashley let out a laugh so rough it felt like sandpaper on my eardrums. “We’re fucking, Jer, love has nothing to do with it.”

“That right there is exactly what I mean.” I heard the rusty metal groan as Jeremey leapt to his feet and began pacing. “You’re always so god damn cold! How long have we been at this now? Eight months post treatment? And another four before that? Not to mention the two years I spent pining after you, waiting for my chance! And you have the audacity to tell me love has nothing to do with it?! I’ve loved you since before you even knew my name, Ashley! Don’t you dare try to tell me this is just fucking!”

“Sorry you got your panties in such a twist over this, Jeremy. If I had known you felt that way I would have ended this a long time ago.”

There wasn’t a single emotion to be found in my sister’s voice. I felt my stomach clench, knowing that this was a fight Jeremy was never going to win now. Ashley had detached. There wasn’t anything in the world that was going to change her mind. He should have known better.

“Ashley, please…” My heart broke at the pleading in his voice.

“It was fun while it lasted at least. Don’t make too much noise on your way down, you might wake up Carly.”

I didn’t move a single muscle as I listened to Ash crawl back in through the window, closing it behind her and snapping the lock into place. I waited until after she had locked herself in the bathroom to open the window back up and slip out to where I knew Jeremy still sat. He raised his head at the sound of my creaking steps, but the hope in them was quickly extinguished when he realized it was me and not my sister.

“You can’t break up with her.” I told him in the sternest voice I could muster.

“Sounds to me like it was the other way around.” He grumbled.

I gave him my best attempt at an Ashley-glare. His eyes assessed my standing form, from the hands on my hips to the defiant tilt of my head, before he let out a long sigh.

“Take a seat, kid.”

I scrunched my nose at the nickname, but did as he said. His eyes locked on mine and I suddenly felt as if I was drowning in the deep pools of sorrow that filled them.

“Please, Jer, don’t let her just leave.” I begged.

“Carls, I don’t have any other choice. I tried to be there for her, I tried to love her through it, but she won’t let me. She’s letting the voices take over again. She’s caving to them, and there’s nothing they want with me.”

“That’s not true!” Pain bit my thighs as I dug my nails into them. Ashely was fine. She wasn’t sick and she wasn’t crazy.

“It is and you know it. Listen,” he shifted closer, his eyes boring into mine in the protective way they always did when we fought about my sister’s mental health. “I know she’s been taking you running. Carly, Ashely isn’t well anymore. You can’t let her take you out on dangerous jaunts like that anymore. I know it feels fun and wild and I know you love you sister, but it will only end with one of you getting hurt. And believe me, kid, you don’t deserve that kind of pain.”

I withdrew from his space so fast my neck stung.

“And Ashley does?” My eyes burned and I felt the betrayal flood my system. Jeremy was supposed to love Ash. He was supposed to care about her. He wasn’t supposed to want her hurt.

“No, but better her than you.” His voice was harsh, sending shivers down my spine.

“You don’t mean that. You love Ash.”

“Honestly, I’m beginning to question that.”

“Stop it, Jeremey, that’s not funny.”

“Am I laughing, Carly? I don’t know if I can keep loving someone who so clearly doesn’t want me to.”

“Ashley loves you, Jer. She does, I know she does! She needs you right now. You can’t just abandon her!”

“I’m not abandoning her. Ashely doesn’t want anything more than sex. I want it all, Carly. She’s the one abandoning someone.” He sighed again before standing. “I can’t fight anymore. I’ve got nothing left.” I watched him walk to the ladder that would lead him back down to the street. He gave me one last pity filled look. “Stay safe, Carly. Don’t let Ashley drag you down with her. And call me if you need me.”

And then he was gone. I stayed out on the fire escape until even his shadow was out of sight. It was another minute or more until I heard someone quietly make their way out. I turned when Ashely sat down beside me, but her gaze was locked on the corner down the block that Jeremy had just disappeared around.

“It’s just you and me now, Carls.” Ashley’s skinny arm came around my shoulder, pulling me close to her side before she placed a kiss on the top of my head. “Just us against the world.”

I bit my lip to stop the tears from gathering in my eyes.

“Yeah, Ash,” I whispered, “us against the world.”

I should have known better too. There was only one world for Ashley, and I was certainly not invited to be a part of it.