Status: A letter to you.
*** you.
Indestructable.
Dear boy,
I'm sorry if I wasn't enough for you. I tried. God, I tried harder than I remember trying for anyone else. I'm sorry for being too upfront about everything. I'm sorry for being weak.
I never gave myself to anyone as fully as I let myself with you. I just never dreamed you'd leave me feeling like this. I thought, Hey, maybe for once, I'll get my fairytale. I guess that was all it was. A fairytale. Pathetic, right?
You know, I'd never met anyone like you. You were so different than any other guy I'd ever known. You treated me like I was a girl who deserved the world. Right now, I miss that feeling you gave me. More than you can possibly imagine. Maybe it was all part of the game, and I was acting naive. It was all about "the chase", right? And once you had me, it wasn't fun anymore.
But it still feels like you meant it. All of it. Every sweet gesture, each adorable compliment felt so genuine; it seemed that you really felt that way.
The worst part is knowing that I would have done anything to make it work between us, but I wasn't special enough for you to even try.
Though I still can't bring myself to admit that it was all fake. That none of it meant anything to you.
Trust me, I know how physco this all sounds. We'd only been talking for the shortest of times. But, please understand, we've been friends for so long. I always admired your perfection as a potentional boyfriend, but I hadn't let myself dwell. I thought it was impossible that a guy like you would ever think of a girl like me as more than just a friend. And it hurt to think that I'd never be as happy as I would be with you.
So when you admitted to liking me? When you let me bask in that- the idea of you and I? I let myself think about what we could be together. We could have had the world. We would have had the world. There's no doubt in my mind, even now, that if you had let it happen, you and I would have had something radiant. We would have brightened our own darknesses. You and I- we would have made it.
I could have made you really happy, you know that? I would have never let you suffer like you will with her. Do you want to know the difference between her and I? If I was with you, I would give you everything, because the most important thing would be making you happy. Because seeing you happy would make me happy. And that's all I want. Perhaps that scared you. Maybe I was overbearing and you were afraid of letting yourself fall for someone. Or maybe , and more likely, you just couldn't imagine our future like I can.
It hurts so badly to know that I really never meant anything at all to you. If I had, if you cared about me at all, you would have at least had the decency to give me some sort of closure. But you couldn't even manage that, could you? Instead, you left me waiting. Making excuses to myself about how you were behaving. He's having a bad few weeks, I thought. His phone's broke, I guessed. He's really stressed at school, I reasoned. But I guess I knew all along that you were done with me.
The one thing stronger than the fear that you'd moved on was the hope that you still cared.
So I kept waiting. And maybe I'm still waiting. For you to call me and explain everything and reassure me that it was all just a misunderstanding. For you to realize everything we could have had.
I'm sorry that I'm bogging you down with all of this. I really am. I don't want you to have to carry all this on your shoulders. Because despite how truly awful you've made me feel, I can't hate you. And do I have a right to? What, you throw a few compliments at some girl and flirt a bit, and she suddenly goes all physco on you? Maybe you didn't know how much I liked you, way before you even gave me a second glance. I bet you're not quite sure what separates me from the other dozens of girls you sweet-talk. What gives me the right to cry over you? I'm sure my heart's not the first you've broken. What entitles me to a happy ending?
I guess you're right. I'm no different than every other girl who has cried herself to sleep over some guy who didn't realize what he was losing. I'm not special.
And honestly, it's not your fault. Just because I know that you're everything I've ever wanted, doesn't mean I'm everything you want. I guess it's not really fair to blame Prince Charming if the glass slipper doesn't fit, right?
Maybe I'll find someone like you someday. Someone who makes me feel like you did; invinceable. Indestructable.
What a joke.
Rereading this, it's almost funny. I began with such an anger towards you, for breaking my heart so easily. You just proved how weak I really am. How easily I can be broken. So, I guess it was really myself I was angry with all along. For not being strong, and for letting myself fall so irreversably hard. And now... I'm left almost feeling sorry for you. Partially for having to read this outrageous rant, and partially because you've missed out on something that I think would have really made you happy.
I'm also left feeling almost gracious. Strange, isn't it? But I know now that it'll be different next time. I swear, it will. With the next boy, if one ever comes along, things will change. Next time, I'll be braver. I'll on my own two feet. I won't need him, so when the time comes that he does desert me, I'll still be whole. I won't let him close enough to hurt me.
I might consider thanking you someday for all this. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?
Well. I guess it's time to say goodbye. I wish I had the courage to make it the last time. But you and I both know I won't confront you about any of this. You won't ever even read this letter, will you? No one will, I'm sure. Because why would anyone give a fuck some irrelevant girl's rant at 1 in the morning?
The next time I see you, I'll play it cool- How's your mother been? Did you watch the season finale of Psych? Oh, did you end up passing your Geometry midterm? I'll be all smiles, don't worry. I'll pretend that this whole thing never happened. It'll be perfectly convenient for you, I promise.
Yeah, I can't say goodbye to you forever. But I can say goodbye to all of the pain, the sleepless nights, the instability.
Because one other thing that I can promise you is that I will become whole again. And I won't ever let anybody bring me down again.
So, goodbye to the hurting.
Goodbye to those butterflies in my stomach when I thought about you.
Goodbye to my weaknesses.
Goodbye to everything that we could have been.
Goodbye.
Love,
Me
P.S. I hope it was worth it.
I'm sorry if I wasn't enough for you. I tried. God, I tried harder than I remember trying for anyone else. I'm sorry for being too upfront about everything. I'm sorry for being weak.
I never gave myself to anyone as fully as I let myself with you. I just never dreamed you'd leave me feeling like this. I thought, Hey, maybe for once, I'll get my fairytale. I guess that was all it was. A fairytale. Pathetic, right?
You know, I'd never met anyone like you. You were so different than any other guy I'd ever known. You treated me like I was a girl who deserved the world. Right now, I miss that feeling you gave me. More than you can possibly imagine. Maybe it was all part of the game, and I was acting naive. It was all about "the chase", right? And once you had me, it wasn't fun anymore.
But it still feels like you meant it. All of it. Every sweet gesture, each adorable compliment felt so genuine; it seemed that you really felt that way.
The worst part is knowing that I would have done anything to make it work between us, but I wasn't special enough for you to even try.
Though I still can't bring myself to admit that it was all fake. That none of it meant anything to you.
Trust me, I know how physco this all sounds. We'd only been talking for the shortest of times. But, please understand, we've been friends for so long. I always admired your perfection as a potentional boyfriend, but I hadn't let myself dwell. I thought it was impossible that a guy like you would ever think of a girl like me as more than just a friend. And it hurt to think that I'd never be as happy as I would be with you.
So when you admitted to liking me? When you let me bask in that- the idea of you and I? I let myself think about what we could be together. We could have had the world. We would have had the world. There's no doubt in my mind, even now, that if you had let it happen, you and I would have had something radiant. We would have brightened our own darknesses. You and I- we would have made it.
I could have made you really happy, you know that? I would have never let you suffer like you will with her. Do you want to know the difference between her and I? If I was with you, I would give you everything, because the most important thing would be making you happy. Because seeing you happy would make me happy. And that's all I want. Perhaps that scared you. Maybe I was overbearing and you were afraid of letting yourself fall for someone. Or maybe , and more likely, you just couldn't imagine our future like I can.
It hurts so badly to know that I really never meant anything at all to you. If I had, if you cared about me at all, you would have at least had the decency to give me some sort of closure. But you couldn't even manage that, could you? Instead, you left me waiting. Making excuses to myself about how you were behaving. He's having a bad few weeks, I thought. His phone's broke, I guessed. He's really stressed at school, I reasoned. But I guess I knew all along that you were done with me.
The one thing stronger than the fear that you'd moved on was the hope that you still cared.
So I kept waiting. And maybe I'm still waiting. For you to call me and explain everything and reassure me that it was all just a misunderstanding. For you to realize everything we could have had.
I'm sorry that I'm bogging you down with all of this. I really am. I don't want you to have to carry all this on your shoulders. Because despite how truly awful you've made me feel, I can't hate you. And do I have a right to? What, you throw a few compliments at some girl and flirt a bit, and she suddenly goes all physco on you? Maybe you didn't know how much I liked you, way before you even gave me a second glance. I bet you're not quite sure what separates me from the other dozens of girls you sweet-talk. What gives me the right to cry over you? I'm sure my heart's not the first you've broken. What entitles me to a happy ending?
I guess you're right. I'm no different than every other girl who has cried herself to sleep over some guy who didn't realize what he was losing. I'm not special.
And honestly, it's not your fault. Just because I know that you're everything I've ever wanted, doesn't mean I'm everything you want. I guess it's not really fair to blame Prince Charming if the glass slipper doesn't fit, right?
Maybe I'll find someone like you someday. Someone who makes me feel like you did; invinceable. Indestructable.
What a joke.
Rereading this, it's almost funny. I began with such an anger towards you, for breaking my heart so easily. You just proved how weak I really am. How easily I can be broken. So, I guess it was really myself I was angry with all along. For not being strong, and for letting myself fall so irreversably hard. And now... I'm left almost feeling sorry for you. Partially for having to read this outrageous rant, and partially because you've missed out on something that I think would have really made you happy.
I'm also left feeling almost gracious. Strange, isn't it? But I know now that it'll be different next time. I swear, it will. With the next boy, if one ever comes along, things will change. Next time, I'll be braver. I'll on my own two feet. I won't need him, so when the time comes that he does desert me, I'll still be whole. I won't let him close enough to hurt me.
I might consider thanking you someday for all this. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?
Well. I guess it's time to say goodbye. I wish I had the courage to make it the last time. But you and I both know I won't confront you about any of this. You won't ever even read this letter, will you? No one will, I'm sure. Because why would anyone give a fuck some irrelevant girl's rant at 1 in the morning?
The next time I see you, I'll play it cool- How's your mother been? Did you watch the season finale of Psych? Oh, did you end up passing your Geometry midterm? I'll be all smiles, don't worry. I'll pretend that this whole thing never happened. It'll be perfectly convenient for you, I promise.
Yeah, I can't say goodbye to you forever. But I can say goodbye to all of the pain, the sleepless nights, the instability.
Because one other thing that I can promise you is that I will become whole again. And I won't ever let anybody bring me down again.
So, goodbye to the hurting.
Goodbye to those butterflies in my stomach when I thought about you.
Goodbye to my weaknesses.
Goodbye to everything that we could have been.
Goodbye.
Love,
Me
P.S. I hope it was worth it.