You Got Me Poppin Champagne

ERIN'S POV

I couldn't feel the hunger anymore. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I barely registered the fleeting voices and faces that blurred into my catatonic state. I didn't want to take in the world, because if I took in the world I would be allowing myself to be happy. I would let myself forget that everything's not okay. And I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't fake it. It was better this way. this way I wouldn't be lying to myself that it was all okay. That I hadn't lost my mother, that Jasey would go through the same pain if she lost me, that I wasn't craving what Alex had, I was protecting them really. I wanted them to leave me. But I knew they wouldn't, so I had to leave them as best as I possibly could. I just detached myself. It was easier that way. I didn't have to feel.

Accept when I was alone. That was when I broke down. When I was alone, so nobody could see me. So nobody knew that I needed them. It was just easier that way. I would just listen to my husbands voice from before he was my husband and I could let go a little. I didn't know what to do, how to vent, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel, I guess. I lost track of the days and dates and times, they all just became one. I even stopped hearing Jasey's cries. Good. I had broken the bond. Good. That was what I wanted...right?

I didn't want us to be connected if I was only going to hurt her...I was doing the right thing...but then why did it feel so wrong? Why did the empty hollowness begin to fill with a sharp stabbing pain?

Oh god, no. No, no, no. This was bad. This was very, very bad. Oh no. I didn't want to feel. I couldn't feel. Because that meant accepting that the woman who had finally stood up for herself, who had in some way protected me...it meant admittance that she was gone. I didn't want to pretend she was still here, but I didn't want to admit that she had killed herself either. I didn't want to hold on to her, whilst not wanting to let go. I needed her here. I needed her so much.

But I couldn't get her back. I'd never get her back. It was too late.

ALEX'S POV

I had worked on the song for a couple of days now, in between making sure Jasey was okay and explaining to the guys why we wouldn't be meeting with any of them this Christmas. You see, it was Christmas Eve. Mom and Dad had taken Jasey Rae a couple of hours ago, just so if Erin reacted badly to the song, she would be safe. She wouldn't have to see us breaking down. Although I wasn't really sure how much further Erin and I could sink. She was already gone and I...well I was on my way out.

I drew in a deep breath and entered the guest room, the one that used to be Erin's room. And was now the place she seemed to retreat to rather than my arms.

Sure enough, Erin was laying there, eyes open, music playing. I turned the music off and her blank expression remained. Never left her. I just wanted to see something. Some sort of...I don't know...pain. Sadness. Hurt. Anything. Anything but this nothingness she was so good at portraying.

I sat next to her and shifted my guitar so it sat more comfortably on my lap.

She never looked at me. She just kept her gaze fixed on the ceiling.

I sighed shakily and collected myself. "Erin, I wrote you a song. Okay? I guess I'll just...well I'll just play it.

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)"

I worked my fingers over the fret board, corresponding with the strumming pattern I had concocted, and glanced at Erin.

her expression hadn't changed, but I detected a faint tear strolling down her cheek. I smiled weakly to myself. Damn, I thought, it didn't make quite the impression I had wanted to. So we sat there in silence, and I just placed a hand on her stomach.

"You know, I do care. I really do, Erin. It's frustrating me that I don't know how to make you see how much we need you...how much I need you. I just wanted to let you know I care. I love you. I always will. I'm not giving up on you, Erin, I just don't know what to do to pull you through anymore. I don't know how to make you happy again. I don't know how to make you talk to me. And it hurts me. I just...I'll be in my room." And with that I stood up and left.

ERIN'S POV

I heard the door close and blinked. It was like part of me had woken up.

It was when I heard the soft melody that started it off, stirred some sort of response in me, despite how hard I had fought to take control of my mind and body like this. And then I heard the voice, and zoned in on the lyrical beauty. Simplistic, blunt, coherent, but able to reach me in places I had forgotten about. Started up some of the Erin I had so cleverly hidden from the world. And there was no going back now.

With that the remembrance of hunger punched me in the gut, and it was all I could do to not scream from the sudden dull ache I felt. The realization at what I had been doing to myself. the anger when the voice I recalled as being Alex had said "my room." It was our room, not his room, OUR room. Wait, what? Our room? No, no that wasn't possible, I had detached myself, remember Erin? You're not supposed to want to belong anymore. And then a burning rage took over at Alex for breaking through my mask, my facade, how dare he. What gave him the right to interfere in my life? What gave him the right? No. It wasn't fair.

I saw red, nothing but anger and hatred. At least it wasn't sadness. At least he hadn't forced that into me.

I forced myself off the bed, a new found energy burning inside of me from the rage I felt boiling inside of me. My determination lead me straight to the bedroom, and I burst into the room in a fit of passion.

Alex, a scruffy, tired looking Alex, not my Alex, an older Alex, an Alex with a burden he was forced to carry. Because of you, part of my brain told me, but I pushed the thought away. Anyway, Alex was laying on his bed, tears glistening in his eyes, a sign of desperation, vulnerability, a man who had given up all hope. But when he realised someone was stood at the foot of his bed, he straightened up and his face entertained that of a look of shock, genuine surprise, possibly disbelief.

"Erin-" he started softly and startled, gasping.

"How fucking dare you," I spat at him.

His brows furrowed. "What? I don't know-"

"Yes! Exactly! You don't know! That's it, Alex! You don't fucking know! You don't know how hard I worked! You don't know how hard it's been! You don't know how it made me feel! And you've just gone and wasted it! You threw it all away! How dare you when you don't fucking KNOW!" I yelled at him, not caring about the look of rage that suddenly crossed his own face as he stood up and moved close to me.

"How can you be so damn selfish!" he screamed back.

I laughed bitterly. "yeah, right, me, I'm the selfish one. You asshole! Don't you get it? I did this all for you!"

"You reject me? You reject your own daughter? How the fuck is that supposed to help exactly, Erin? How is that supposed to help any of us? How is that supposed to help those kids inside of you that you're killing right now!"

"Because then you wouldn't have to feel like I do! It's one less person for you to grieve! if I let you down then you don't have to think like you let me down! You don't have to hurt!" I cried, letting go, barely taking note that my heart was suddenly starting to feel again. I didn't want to feel. Feeling hurt too much. Fuck!

There was silence before Alex opened his mouth again. "I already am grieving you though, I already feel like I let you down. Because I never told you about my brother, did I? I never let you know that I know how it feels to be hurt. to be lost. To be left out int the dark."

Part of me remembered he was quoting Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan. Oh god.

I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop myself from breaking down, and rather than pushing my husband away, my wonderful, beautiful husband, when he held me close, I didn't fight. For the first time in over three weeks I stopped fighting. I gave in as he told me everything. As he spilled his heart out to me about his brother and how he felt. How it ate him alive.

But that was worse. Because although I could feel my heart again, I could feel that it was broken. And with every breath it hurt even more so. The recognition that I was so torn up inside made me feel ever so much more fragile, so much more broken. And I didn't want it. I didn't want to remember how to feel, because I didn't want the emotions that I was capable of feeling.

I tortured myself, forcing myself to listen to every word of Alex's heartache, hoping the guilt I felt at causing him this pain all over again would lull me back into numbness, but it wasn't. It couldn't. And I didn't know how to get back to where I had started.

So when Alex had finished and I looked up at him, withe tears clouding both of our vision, I gave him a soft, sweet kiss, and savored the last piece of happiness I ever wanted to feel before I ran.

Before I tore myself away from him, barely holding myself together, but managed to run out of the house and into the car before he could register what was happening, and turned up at the porch just as I was pulling out the drive.

I didn't know where I was driving, I just drove. I barely recognized the streets, I just knew I needed to escape, I needed to breathe, I needed to figure out how I could get back to that state of nothingness. But I knew it was impossible, somewhere, some part of me knew I would never be able to get back to that. Alex had broken through. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone to be there for me. I deserved nothingness. I deserved to be alone. I deserved for him to hate me, after I had taken him for granted, after I had forgotten that actually he knew exactly how grieving felt.

A scream fought it's way up my throat from the essence of my very being and ripped out of me in all its primal, animalistic glory. I had no choice but to pull over and just scream, just cry my heart out. But I couldn't do it in this car. I had to be out in the open.

So I jumped out of the car and found I was in some parking lot, a restaurant with a park attached to it. Good. A park. It would have a bench where I could just sit in the cold November night and let it all out.

I started to shake involuntarily from the bitter cold, but I was grateful for it. I deserved this bitterness, I deserved this angry, cold isolation. Somehow I made the walk to the bench, stumbling every now and again, trying not to give in to any thoughts of Alex needing me back there with him. I was just so angry at him. How could he do this to me? How dare he pry, how dare he make me feel this again! How dare he damn me to this perpetual hell! A limbo where I was damned to feel, unable to return to nothingness, the agreeable comfort of an empty grieving process.

I battled through the snow and nearly collapsed onto the bench, freezing myself. But that was good. I deserved that. The cold was numb. It helped. It was a physical step to feeling nothing. I reached into my pocket, caressing my iPod as if it were the only thing of any value anymore. Well I guess it was, really. It was the only thing I felt like I could open up to, that I could be real. I leaned my head back and lost myself in the music, the young, rough voice of the man who was trying so hard to fix me. To make me feel. He had succeeded. But perhaps not in the way he had hoped.

But when I recognized the song playing as Lullabies, I couldn't hold in the emotion I felt. It just came flooding out of every inch of me. The song for his brother. The story he had not long ago finished telling me. And it all fit together, It made sense. I felt what Alex had felt, I lost myself in the emotion, and I admitted to myself just how much I missed my mother. I didn't hate her. I could never hate her. And I realized how wrong I had been.

Especially when I zoned in on a small child in the park crying. Her cries were incoherent with my earphones in, so I paused the music which had now shifted to some happy go lucky tune, and removed the earphones, wrapping them around the iPod before I put them back in my pocket.

The child looked distraught, like she had lost everything she ever cared about, not ashamed to break down, despite me, a mere stranger, watching her. "Mommy!" she screamed. "Mommy! Where are you mommy! Mommy! Stop hiding mommy! Mommy, I need you!" she screamed through her tears, eyes squeezed tight.

My heart stopped. Oh god.

It was a matter of seconds before the child's mother, looking almost as distraught as her daughter, ran into the park from the restaurant, frantically looking around before she spotted her child beneath the slide, and scooped her up, cradling her close.

"Oh baby, I'm here. Mommy's here. Mommy loves you. Don't you ever do that again, you hear me? Never run out when mommy is talking, okay? Promise me you won't do that again!"

The child nodded into her mothers shoulder before answering. "I promise mommy. I'm sorry."

I could almost hear the mother sigh in relief as she desperately clung to her child, stroking her hair. "I know baby, I know. Oh god, I love you so much baby, you almost gave me a heart attack! Oh Rae."

Rae. But that was...that reminded me...I mean..."Jasey," I whispered to myself as the reunited mother and daughter headed back to the warmth of the restaurant.

"Jasey Rae...oh god..." My baby. My sweet sweet baby. Where was I when she had cried? I knew she had cried, but why wasn't I there for her? Why hadn't I held her? I couldn't remember what she looked like...did she have my eyes or did she have Alex's? How much did she weigh? What did she feel like when I held her? What was her infantile laugh like? Had I fed her lately?

Food...had I fed myself lately? No...no, I couldn't remember eating...but that wasn't right...how could I not eat? I was....yes, I was pregnant, I thought as I checked my stomach. How could I not eat? I was pregnant. Oh god, what if I lost my babies? I couldn't lose my babies. How...what did I do? Why did I do this? What was I supposed to do?

"Everything's fine. Don't worry."

I spun around at the sound of that voice. I almost fainted from the shock.

My mother smiled at me, but it wasn't really her...she was all faded and...kind of pale but shimmering.

"Mom?"

"I don't have long, sweetheart, they want me back soon enough, but I promise you everything is fine. You still have a birth to look forward to, additions to your family. There is still a heartbeat coming from inside of your body. You've been very lucky. But it wasn't easy for me to look after you, you know, It wasn't easy. You almost did lose them. You almost lost Alex too. You lost yourself, but I think you're starting to come back now."

"I miss you, mom," I choked out.

She smiled at me gracefully. "I know. But you don't have to worry anymore. You don't have to grieve. You don't have to worry about hurting your family. They were more hurt that you had left them. Go back to them. He's still waiting. For you. Alex. And Jasey Rae. And the life forming in your womb."

Anyone would have thought I was mad. I wouldn't blame anyone. I know it was ridiculous, believing in some apparition, but the wave of relief and assurance that washed over me was very real. And I had no doubt that this was real. I had no doubt that the heartbeat I could hear was that coming from my womb, my mother allowing me to hear my children for myself. Proof that they were still going strong. And I believed it with everything I had. And I realised I didn't have to be numb anymore. I didn't have to force myself to deny any happiness. Because I needed to be there for my family. I realised that now. They needed me, they didn't need me to cause a divide between us, they needed me there, and I needed them, I admitted to myself. And Alex had been trying to show me that. It was only after he had told me about his brother for the first time, and then recalling the words he had written for me, and then the words he had written for his brother, recalling the significance, that was what had made something snap. I had been angry at first, but now I was overwhelmed with love. A love I hadn't felt in a long time.

"Go to them, Erin, go to them."

I smiled and nodded, giddy from the newly found peace I felt that was piecing my heart back together. "Thank you so much," I replied as I almost ran to the car.

"Erin!" my mother called, or at least the ghost of my mother. I turned around and saw a slight frown on her face.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm so sorry," she said earnestly, eyes boring into mine. Any other time, I would have mistaken her words for something else. I mean, it was quite easy to imagine how she could have referred to something else, but this time...I don't know. Maybe she tapped into my head. Because I knew. I fully understood what she was trying to convey. And it made me a little sad, because I had to carry that secret with me. But at the same time, I knew it would be okay, in the end. Because she had told me it would be okay.

"How long?" I asked.

"Five months. I'm so sorry. But I promise you, it will be okay. You'll be okay. You and Alex. I'll make sure of it. I don't want to see you upset."

I nodded, a sad smile on my lips. But she said it would be okay, and some part of me knew it would be. It honestly would be okay. "I know. Don't worry. I know."

And then I got into the car, and drove back to the one place I knew as home.

I pulled into the drive and as soon as I was through the door, I saw Alex sitting on the floor of the living area, back against the couch, petting the dogs with his eyes closed. He looked like he had been crying. The guilt that shook me nearly knocked me over with all it's impact, but I pushed on. The dogs left his side as I approached. Alex didn't move. Didn't open his eyes.

He was broken, I realised.

I carefully sat down next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

I felt him tense and I looked up at him to see red rimmed eyes staring down at me in bewilderment. "You came back," he whimpered. Wow. He really did sound broken. I had done this to him? Oh god.

I felt the tears sting, and didn't try to hold the, back in his presence. I'd done enough of that. It was time to be honest. It wasn't time to hide anymore.

"God, Erin, you scared me so much," he told me, tears in his voice as he pulled me into him and cradled me close. I let go and soon enough I was shaking from the sobs. "I thought I'd lost you, Erin. I didn't think I'd be able to get you back...I thought you'd left me. I thought...I just...I got so scared, Erin, oh god, you scared me so much."

"I'm sorry," I whimpered between the tears, not caring that I was soaking his shirt with my cries. "I never meant to leave, I promise you, I didn't. But I'm back now, I came back, Alex, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here. I'm so sorry."

"I know baby, I know," Alex told me as he clung to me and stroked my hair, similar to how the woman who had regained her daughter had done at the park. And it helped. It really did, knowing that his shaking hands were craving to touch me, they needed me. He needed me. Alex needed me. And I needed him. "You're so cold, let's get you to bed."

And with that, Alex gently pulled me up with him, and carried me upstairs. Before we went to bed, he ran us a bath to share and he made sure to wash me to warm me up, and help me feel better seen as I hadn't bothered to shower in my state of depression, or grievance. And I appreciated it. There was nothing sexual about it, it just meant so much to both of us because we knew we were there. He knew I had come back to him, in my person, as in the woman he had fallen in love with. And I knew he truly did care for me, and I realised just how much I meant to him. How could I ever leave him again after that? We were safe. We were okay.

As he cradled me in our bed, I turned to him, just so I could stare into his brown eyes and fall in love again. "That song you wrote me. What was it called?"

"Save You," he answered simply, stroking my hair.

"It was beautiful. I didn't tell you, but it was. I can't thank you enough for it, you brought me back."

Alex smiled weakly at me and kissed my forehead. "So you're not leaving us again?"

I shook my head. "Never. Not now I know just how much you love me. And now I know how much I love you."

"Good, we missed you. Jasesy missed you so much," he told me, and I kissed away the tears that formed and leaked.

"I'm not leaving you again. I promise. But where is Jasey?"

"At my parents. Just for tonight. But we'll go see them all tomorrow. It's Christmas tomorrow."

My eyes almost popped out of my head. "What? Christmas? Already? Did we get her any presents?"

Alex shook his head. "It didn't really seem important. But my parents have and having you back is the best present Jasey and I could ever want. She'll just be happy to have her mommy back. Which reminds me, have you eaten?" I shook my head for an answer and he took my left hand, kissing my wedding ring. I caught the smile that touched his lips as he kissed it, matching my smile and the butterflies I felt. "I'll be right back."

He briskly walked out, but returned a matter of minutes latter with a plate of bacon and fruit and chocolate. I chuckled at him, but the pull of the food was intense and I knew I had to eat. i had to look after myself. And I could do that now.

So I wolfed down the food he had brought me, and I think I must have forgotten how hungry I was, how much I had craved food. When I finished, I left the plate on the bedside table, not wanting to leave the comfort of Alex's arms, and snuggled close to his warmth.

"It's good to see you eat again."

"It's good to be eating."

"We'll have to go to a doctor, you know. To make sure you're all okay, that our kids are okay."

I shook my head, smiling. "No we don't. I already know. It's fine. Everything's fine. We'll all be okay. We're okay."

"How do you know?"

"My mother told me." I thought he would laugh, but instead he asked me to explain, so I told him about the events after I had ran out of the house. And he listened intently, never interrupting. And he believed me. Words couldn't describe how grateful I was for that.

After talking and just being with each other, we decided it was time to go to sleep. We wanted to be at his parents on time tomorrow. And I wanted to see my daughter. But before we fell asleep, I couldn't resist telling him one more thing.

"I'm sorry about your brother, Alex," I whispered.

Alex's arms tightened around me. "Thank you. But it's okay. Honestly. I have you. I miss him, but I have you, and Jasey, and whatever's coming. I'm glad I finally spoke to you about it though."

"Yeah, me too."

"I love you Erin, always will."

"I love you too, Alex. Always have, always will."