You Got Me Poppin Champagne

ALEX'S POV

"They always say no parent should have to bury their kid, right? Truth is, Maria wasn't even our kid. She didn't have the chance to grow, to open her eyes and see something, anything but darkness. And we never got to hold her. I just...I never...I can't..." I choked on my words and gasped for breath looking around at the faces of those who tried to understand, but couldn't.  Not really. Because even I couldn't understand. This was unparalleled to anything I had felt before. 

After swallowing a lump in my throat I turned my attention to the front row where Erin was seated, holding Noah. Jasey was sat with my parents, next to Erin. Erin briefly met my gaze then looked back down. She knew.

She had known all along. For four months she had known the baby...our baby inside of her had died. 

Yeah, I was grateful we still got Noah, I really was, but it didn't make the pain any better. It didn't help to heal the loss of a child we had never known. As I lost myself in my own thoughts I heard a cough from my left, and looked down to see Rian encouraging me to either finish my speech or walk off and break down somewhere private.

Again, I took in a deep breath. And I forgot the speech, I just spoke.

"Thing is, you always think it'll never happen to you. Because it doesn't make sense, why would it? Your life is perfectly fine, nothing bad could happen. You build up hopes and dreams...and you get let down. But you never anticipate the fall. You get dragged under some huge ass wave and nobody else can pull you back up because they don't understand how you got there in the first place, just like you don't know how you got there because you didn't see it coming...I didn't see any of this coming. I thought everything would be okay. And now it's not, and nobody really gets it unless they lose a child they never got to build any memories with it."

One more deep breath and then I could get off this fucking stage and go home.

"Maria was gonna be the final piece. She was gonna make up my family. Now it feels like it'll always be incomplete. Maria Harleigh Gaskarth...I love you. I just wish I could have told you that."

Silence shrouded me as I made my way off the platform and away from the too small grave. I just walked home. I didn't wanna wait for anyone. Erin and I knew our relationship was in tatters and I was scared to face up to how bad it was, or maybe we both were. Because when I told Erin about the girl I'd made out with she didn't bat an eyelid. She had just looked at me, nodded and said okay.

It wasn't like the last time when she stopped talking, this time was worse because she was talking but WE weren't talking. Or at least we weren't talking about what mattered, and I think Jasey was picking up on it. I'm pretty sure she could see the betrayal I felt and the guilt Erin tried to hide. It wasn't fair on her, on my baby girl. It made me glad that Noah was only a baby and too young to understand.

As I walked and felt the crisp air blow the pain around me infinitely, my phone rang and I prayed it wasn't my wife. Looking at the caller ID, it was Zack. I sighed but answered anyway knowing he would just break down my door later if I didn't pick up a phone call now.

"What?" I asked sharply. Not the friendliest way to answer, I know, but I didn't have anything left in me anymore.

"We're all finished at the cemetery. Erin will be on her way any minute."

I sighed at his notification. "Right, thanks."

This time it was Zack's turn to sigh. "Alex, you need to talk to her, properly. She had her reasons, I'm sure."

"Well she could have explained them then, couldn't she?"

"She didn't have a chance! You insisted we squeeze in a tour right after she'd given birth! That wasn't exactly the best idea, was it?"

Yeah, I know, I insisted we toured, yes I was running, but it was my only option. I was scared and I needed something to distract me. It wasn't a long tour, just a couple weeks around a few eastern states. "I needed a break," I answered simply.

"Usually work doesn't constitute as a break, Alex."

"Tell you what, Zack, when you and Sam loose a baby, then tell me how much talking about that you wanna do. Oh but wait, it's not even your baby, is it?"

"You know Sam and I have discussed that. You know we worked it out. And you know why she went off with Andy? Because I wasn't there for her when she needed me. So don't blame me when Erin runs because you were too stupid to realise she needed you." And with that Zack hung up.

I laughed bitterly to myself as I unlocked my door and let myself in.

"What about when I need her?" I mumbled to myself as I relaxed into the sofa with a beer, flicking channels I didn't have the slightest interest in until I heard Erin come through the door, and take the kids upstairs. 

I got that feeling in my stomach again, the empty, sharp pain causing this sickness that took over my entire body whenever Erin and I were in close proximity. I took in a deep breath as Erin returned down the stairs and took the empty beer bottle from my hand. 

"You should cut down, we don't want the kids picking up on drinking."

"Why not, they deserve some fun," I grumbled.

Erin didn't reply and instead carried on to the kitchen area and started washing up the mornings dishes. I sighed for the thousandth time and followed her, searching for the peanut butter for a sandwhich. I looked in the fridge in the usual place, but couldn't see it. Confused, I turned to Erin.

"We got any peanut butter?"

"Yeah," she replies shortly, never taking her eyes off the dishes.

Okay..."You wanna tell me where it is? Cause it's not in the usual place."

Erin huffed and threw the plate she was washing back in the bowel, yanked open the top right cupboard and slammed down a jar of crunchy peanut butter right on the counter. "There? Happy?"

"Not really, you moved it, and I prefer smooth for sandwiches. Why's it in a different place?"

"It's always been there," Erin grumbled, returning to her washing.

"No it hasn't," I replied, childishly.

"Well it has since a few weeks ago, okay? Do you want a plan of where everything is or do you think you can manage to do one tiny thing on your own?"

"Fucking hell Erin, it was one question! Forgive me for breathing!" I yelled in exasperation.

"Oh please, you go right ahead. Don't mind me."

"That's right, go on back to ignoring me, that's fine, you just move everything around without letting me know and then screw at me when I enquire as to where one fucking jar of peanut butter may be."

"Why don't you just go away and leave me to get on with this, okay Alex? Just leave, like you always do," Erin said with a high pitches shaking voice, holding her head high.

"For fuck sake it's only a jar of peanut butter," I mumbled.

Erin threw down the cloth she was using and gripped the sides of the counter. "No, it's not just a jar of peanut butter, Alex. It's more than that."

"Erin what the fuck is this about?"

"Stop swearing!" she screamed, squeezing her eyes shut.

My eyes widened and I almost took a step back in shock. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, okay?"

"No!" she cried at me. "No, it's not okay! It's never okay!"

"Erin, what exactly is this about?" I asked, calmly, knowing it was better than yelling. And realising that we were actually kind of getting somewhere.

"This is about you, not being here and blaming me when I make one tiny change-"

"No," I interrupted, shaking my head. "No it's not. It's more than that." We were both silent for a long, awkward amount of time. Finally I sighed and decided to break. "Erin-"

"You weren't here!"