You Got Me Poppin Champagne

ALEX'S POV

I leaned against the door frame to our bedroom and sighed as I watched Erin straightening out the bedsheets. She was always doing this. Cooking, washing, drying, cleaning, tidying, anything and everything that would keep her mind off the fact that she had lost a child...that we had lost a child. After everything, even after we talked, she was still acting as if she was in denial over losing Maria. She wouldn't say it, and I knew she needed help, I just didn't know how to give it to her.

She looked over, smiling, and I wasn't sure which Erin I preferred, the one where she completely and totally shut me out, or this one where she pretended that the world was utterly on her side without a doubt, and it was painful to watch her go through that. She was so blatantly trying to pretend nothing was wrong, that we hadn't lost Maria. My mother knew something was up. I'd been going round to see her regularly just to get away from the tension, but I knew to not arrange another tour just yet.

I returned the fake smile with a fake smile of my own, though probably not as chirpy looking as Erin's was. "Watcha doin?" I asked childishly.

"I'm tidying this place up, someone around here has to. What are you doing?" she asked me, the smile remaining.

I'm watching you fall apart, I'm watching you lie to me and to yourself every single day, I'm watching you hurt inside and out and I'm trying to figure out how the hell Alex Gaskarth, your hero, your idol, your husband is supposed to fix this mess. I'm watching and trying to figure out how to fix you. I bit my lip and answered, "I'm watching my beautiful wife tidy up my mess."

"Pervert," she said with a little smirk, and it was almost so beautifully the Erin that I knew and loved that it made me want to cry, because it wasn't her. It was an act. And I hated seeing her dressed up as herself.

I smiled small and walked further into the bedroom, reaching out to stroke her face, but Erin flinched minutely and stepped around me, making her way out of the bedroom, mumbling something about some laundry she had to do. I breathed out slowly and tried to hold back every tear I felt and went to see to my kids.

ERIN'S POV

I didn't want him to touch me, I couldn't have him touch me. I didn't want him to be disappointed again. He said he wasn't but we all know that's a lie. He knows that I'm a useless mother, just like Noah knows I lost his sister, like how he hates me and how Jasey is starting to realise I'll never be the woman she can look up to and say 'I wanna be just like my mom.' I'll never be that person. I'll never be good enough. My children hate me, and so does Alex. I know it. He knows it. He knows I'm not right for him.

I was just so tired. I'd had enough. I wanted it to all just stop.

As my heart sped up I gripped the sides of the washing basket in the kitchen and gritted my teeth. Another sharp lick of pain coated my insides and I could taste the anger of my children.

I wasn't good enough. I never would be, I was a fool to think otherwise. I only had one option, and I knew Alex would hate that. But it was for the best, really, I knew he'd see that. A tear fell down my cheek as I heard Noah's cries being halted by his father. Alex was so much better at this than I was, and everybody knew it. I saw it in the health visitors eyes when she came on by, she was judging me, because I didn't know how to love my kids. I gasped at that thought.

No, I loved my kids...didn't I? I don't know...they hated me, that was for sure...oh god...I couldn't love my kids. That's what was wrong with me. I lifted a shaking hand to my mouth to try and muffle the sobs and whimpers that were escaping. This had become a routine now, crying. I always found somewhere private to do it, somewhere Alex wouldn't hear me. And I held enough respect for the infants in this house to not cry in front of them. They would just think I was pathetic anyway. They deserved a much better mother than me.

I heard Alex's footsteps make their way down the stairs and I quickly wiped my eyes, straightened up, calmed my breathing as best I could, plastered a smile on my face and turned around to face my husband who was just putting his jacket on.

No.

Don't leave me.

You can't leave me.

He couldn't leave me.

Not alone.

Not here.

Not with them.

NO!

"Oh...Alex..are you..uhm, going somewhere?" I asked with a shaking voice.

No no no no no, not again, don't leave me alone again Alex, please. No. Don't. Stay!

Alex returned with a bright smile, so much happier than mine because he didn't have any worries. He didn't know the children like I did. He didn't get it. And I couldn't break his heart again by telling him that I didn't know how to love them.

"Yeah, just gonna head out and see our manager while he's in town, be back in about an hour."

No.

No Alex, please, stay, don't leave me, please, you can't go!

"Are you taking the kids with you?" I asked hopefully.

He had to take them, he just had to. I needed him to take them, or stay here to look after them.

A look of confusion crossed his face. Oh god, that meant he wasn't, didn't it? That meant he was leaving them with me, he was punishing me for not telling him about Maria. But I didn't know what else to do, it seemed like the best option at the time but now the secret was out and they all hated me. "No...I figured I'd leave them here with you...it wouldn't be much fun for them, that's okay, right? Like I said, I'll be back in an hour."

I collected enough oxygen to keep myself standing and nodded, putting on a ridiculously happy voice. "Yeah, that's fine, no problem."

Alex smiled that blase smile of his, as if there was nothing wrong in the world and left.

As he turned his back and closed the door on me, I felt an icy chill down my spine and another sharp pain invade my organs. I gasped wildly for air and clutched my chest as I tried to not let it get the better of me.

No.

No.

I was alone. Again.

Alone with them!

No!

NO!

I made incoherent, ugly noises in the back of my throat as the tears ran like cheetah's down my face, wild and uncontrollable.

He left me with them.

ALEX'S POV

No sooner had I rang the doorbell than my mother had ushered me in with that kind face of hers and settled me down with a cup of tea. I guess old English habits die hard eh?

"I just don't know what to do anymore," I continued as my mother watched me, concern pouring out from her eyes. "I don't know how to help her. She still won't face up to the fact that she lost Maria...that we lost Maria."

"Alex, she's alone, nobody else knows what it feels like-"

"I know what it feels like! She isn't the only one who lost a child! She's not the only one hurting here," I cried, throwing my hands up in frustration.

My mother smiled sympathetically and placed a hand over mine. "Alex, you're a good boy, and a good husband. But you don't know what it's like. You don't understand what it's like. That baby was growing in her body, she had a different bond. Of course she knows that you're hurting, but that just hurts her more, because she'll feel like it's her fault because it was her body."

"But that's ridiculous!"

"Not to her. I think maybe you should try and take some time of from all the bamd stuff, just for a little while, for both of your sake's." I nodded, knowing my mom was right, and she smiled before continuing. "And you said you told her you needed to get her help...maybe that isn't the right way to go about it. You can't force her to go see someone, you of all people know what that's like." Again, I nodded, remembering, and sighed, leaning my head into my hands.

"But what else can I do? If I can't help her, then I have to find someone who can."

My mother paused for a moment, then continued after thinking for a while. "Maybe you should bring someone to her, someone to talk to her."

I raised an eyebrow, sitting up. "Like who?"

"Someone who knows what it's like, someone who's been in the same situation. Just to talk to her."

"So what, I'm supposed to just go to the hospital and ask someone who lost a baby to give Erin a pep talk? I don't think that would work."

My mom shook her head. "No, Alex, someone who's had post natal depression."

ERIN'S POV

I curled myself tighter into a ball and put my hands over my ears as Noah continued to cry.

"No, no, no, stop it, just be quiet, please, be quiet," I whimpered to myself, knowing nothing I said to Noah would ever shut him up.

I had to get out of here, I couldn't take this, I couldn't stand it anymore, it was just too much. How was I supposed to take care of a kid who hated me? Who I didn't know how to take care of?

Crying, I forced myself to push past the headache and the physical pain shooting through my body, and started throwing things into a bag. I didn't need a lot, just enough to last me a few days until I could maybe find a job. I didn't know where I was going to go, but I just had to go. Anywhere but here. Alex would understand, it was my only option, he'd understand eventually, he'd see it was all for the better.

I came across a photo of Alex and I, sat on a bench outside, with me looking extremely pregnant, arms around each other. Before Noah. Before I broke Alex's heart by losing Maria, before my mom died, before we got the dogs, before Jasey was born, when we were just friends. When everything was okay. It was a photo I used to look at when I woke from a nightmare, or when I could feel it getting all on top of me, or when I missed Alex, but that wouldn't work. Not anymore. Not now. It was useless. I closed my eyes and cried as I crumpled it up in my hand and let it fall to the floor, just like my relationship with Alex and his wonderful, wonderful family. It was his family. Not ours, not mine, his. The children, his parents, the band, everyone, it was all his. They didn't need me. So why did leaving hurt so much?

Suddenly Noah's cries escalated and I threw a shoe I was randomly holding across the room and marched into Noah's nursery.

"JUST SHUT UP!" I screamed, with everything I had. "Please! Just STOP! Please! Just stop it, please, please, please, just stop it! Just stop crying," I whimpered as my voice cracked and I started to become even more hysterical. My sobs and moans were uncontrollable at this point and I slid down the nursery wall, gripping my head with my hands.

A few moments later and Jasey entered the room, placing her hands on mine. I looked out from my hands and put them on her shoulders, ignoring her flinching when I held her slightly too tightly.

"Jasey, baby, be a good girl and go get mommy her special sweeties, from under the bed, you remember where they are, right?" I asked my daughter, desperately as I saw fear fill her eyes. She nodded and I stroked her face. "Good, now you go get them for mommy, okay?" Jasey nodded again and it felt like hours before she had returned with the bottle of pills in her hand, but that was only due to the state I was in.

I grabbed them from her eagerly and thanked her. "Good girl," I praised her.

ALEX'S POV

"Post natal depression? No...not Erin, she never had it with Jasey."

My mother gave me the same old sympathetic look. "Yes, but sweetie, she didn't lose Jasey. She lost her mother and Maria, and she didn't tell anyone. She had to give birth to a dead child. That will have some affect on her. You say she never holds Noah anymore?"

I nodded. "Yeah but...but...no...she can't...I mean, she was...well okay, no she wasn't fine today but I just figured she was still grieving for Maria, I mean if I thought that then..." I trailed off when I realised just what I had done to Erin.

"What? What is it Alex?" my mother asked me worriedly seeing my change in facial expression.

"Mom...I did something real bad," I told her.

My mom's brow furrowed but then realisation struck her. "Oh god Alex, no, you didn't...please tell me you're kidding...surely not every time you've come to talk to me?"

I nodded and swallowed the guilty lump in my throat. "Every time."

I left her on her own.

With the kids.

ERIN'S POV

"Now remember, Jasey, baby, we don't tell daddy about these special sweets, they're our secret, can you do that for me baby?" Jasey nodded in response, and I was able to smile a little easier knowing I'd be safe, and swallowed all the sleeping pills I could, as my daughter watched.