Trust Me

We walked for another hour, when Adri stopped and suggested that we cook the meat before it went bad. Though I wanted to keep walking and put more distance between us and Ingrid, I knew that he was right, and if she had followed us this far then she would follow us even farther, so to continue walking was pointless.

I set up the fire pit while Adri cleaned the meat, and this time I didn’t even bother trying to start the fire on my own. Instead I waited patiently and watched him expertly separate fur from flesh and meat from bone. Once he was done, he looked up at me expectantly.

“Why are you watching me?” He asked.

“Nothing better to do.” I muttered. “Rather than wasting matches trying to start a fire myself, I figured I’d just let you start one, and this time I’ll actually watch how you do it so I know how to do it myself.”

“Didn’t you spend at least 5 hours at the fire making station?” Adri asked, furrowing his brow.

“Yeah, but I spent more time learning how to build a fire pit than I spent learning how to actually light it. Like I said earlier, that was why we needed Jill in our alliance.” I muttered.

He scoffed but didn’t say anything else as he grabbed the matches and quickly started the fire before we both took turns roasting the meat.

We ate heartily, savoring the rich meat fresh from the fire. It was hot and it burned our mouths, but we didn't care. This time there were no leftovers, every ounce of edible flesh devoured as quickly as we could get our hands on it. I had never felt so hungry. I had gone much longer than just a day without eating, and yet something inside me seemed to beg for more food. Perhaps it was from all the physical exertion today, or maybe my body was just trying to stock up on food in case we couldn't hunt tomorrow. Either way, by the time we had finished eating and rinsed down the salty meet with the cool water from our canteens, we were once again at peace. It was like some kind of food-induced euphoria, a blanket of peace that washed over us when our stomach was full and our thirst was satisfied. Many people of Panem didn't have the luxury of knowing that feeling.

"Who do you think died today?" Adri mused after a few moments.

The topic was grim and brought my cheery mood down a few notches. "I don't know. To be honest, I'm not even sure I remember who died yesterday."

"Terra, Jair, Aesta, Han, Blaira, Vanna, Kimu and Miro." Adri said abruptly, his voice filled with a sudden hard edge.

I turned to look at him, blinking a few times. "What?"

"Those are their names. 1, 3, 5, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12. In that order." Adri continued, his voice a little softer now, but still more tense than normal.

"How do you know all their names?" I asked quietly.

"I refuse to let myself forget. I can't just let them die and be forgotten. You have to remember all of them. If you let them be forgotten -- that is, if you let them become 'just another dead tribute' -- then they've died in vain. Their death will have been for nothing." Adri murmured.

For some reason, this made me happier. "You're a really good person. It's surprising."

Adri whirled his head over to glare at me. "What are you trying to say, 4?"

"I didn't mean it like that," I drawled, rolling my eyes and scoffing. "Just that most Careers don't care this much about that aspect of the game. They don't seem to think of the other tributes as people. I thought you'd be just another Career, especially since you're the one with the best physical advantage in this game. And yet, you're a really good person."

He smiled, though his smile showed an edge of sadness. “Speaking of which, I do have to talk to you about something.”

His tone was ominous. “Oh,” Was all I could say. My stomach twisted nervously. I didn’t know why, but whenever anyone said they ‘had to talk to me’ in a very serious tone, I always got nervous even if I hadn’t done anything wrong.

This was no exception.

“As much as I… I mean, as well as we…as fond as I’ve…” He paused, as if searching for the right words. “Despite our uneasy truce,” He finally settled upon. “I want to make it clear that I’m no hero.”

I furrowed my brow. “I know. I never built you up to one in my mind – trust me. After kidnapping me and tying me up, it’d be quite difficult for me to see you as a hero.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant.” He murmured.

“Then what do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, first of all, let me say that I really do respect you. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I’ve actually grown fond of you, and I like having you with me. But I won’t sacrifice myself for you. I will do my absolute best to protect you, and if anyone does kill you, I swear that I will avenge your death in the way that is most painful for your murderer. But I will not purposely let myself be killed to save you. I like you, but I’m not stupid. And for your own well-being, I want you to promise me that you’ll feel the same about me. No matter how noble you want to be, don’t sacrifice yourself for me.” He said, staring into the fire and not daring to meet my gaze, and I felt my stomach twist angrily as I was reminded of Kip’s words on the day of the Reaping.

For a moment I was silent as I stared at the fire, my fingers absently fiddling with a patch of thick moss beneath me as my mind raced. I was hurt by what he'd said, and I couldn't figure out why. I hadn't ever expected anyone to sacrifice themselves for me -- I'd heard that nobody had sacrificed themselves for anyone else in the past 50 years of the Games. I especially hadn't expected him to sacrifice himself for me. He was still a Career, and my presence was just a strategic method of keeping himself alive. I was bait, and that was the only reason he kept me around. He was a good guy, but he wasn't stupid. I knew that.

But then why was I so hurt? It puzzled me. I gnawed on my bottom lip as I thought it over. I suddenly realized the two factors that were making me offended. First of all, I'd just said Adri wasn't stupid because he didn't want to sacrifice himself for me, but hadn't I wanted to sacrifice myself for other tributes before I came in the arena? Didn't Finnick have to convince me that, should anyone try and attack me when I was with my allies, I should try to keep myself alive rather than put myself in danger just to save them? According to what I'd just thought about Adri being smart for keeping himself alive, that would make me incredibly stupid in comparison. There was no double standard.

And yet, there was another thing. Adri thought I'd be stupid and vain enough to expect him to save me at any cost, even if it meant putting himself in danger. "Do you think I'm conceited?" I asked.

His brow furrowed. "What?"

"Do. You. Think. I'm. Conceited." I stated flatly, rolling onto my back and sitting up to watch him carefully. I could see his eyes shifting nervously as he tried to figure out why I was asking such an out of place question.

"Of course not." He said with a scoff.

"Then why do you think I'd expect you to get yourself killed just to protect me?" I demanded.

He chuckled softly. "Oh, is that what you thought it was about?" He seemed relieved. "I thought this was some kind of random estrogen-induced fit of rage."

"What?" My anger was stifled by confusion now, which might have been his plan.

"You know, when girls just want to be mad and they start asking questions like, 'Do you like me for my looks or for my personality?' There just is no right answer to those questions." He said with a laugh, but I could hear the forced edge to his voice. He was trying to distract me, and he was doing a poor job of it.

"Well then, if it wasn't about thinking I was conceited, what was it about?" I challenged.

He grimaced, displeased to be back on the original topic. "There was no reason, I just wanted to make sure that was very clear."

"You're lying." I challenged. In all honesty, I had no clue whether or not he was lying, but I figured I'd call his bluff just in case. He had tried to distract me moments ago, and that was the only evidence I had that he was trying to distract me.

He looked back into the fire for a while, not saying anything, but I was too afraid to break the silence. The fact that he didn't deny that he was lying was encouragement enough for me.

After a few moments he finally spoke, though his voice was soft. "The reason I'm telling you that is because I have to remind myself that I can't save you."

My brows pulled together instantly in confusion. I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I didn't want to seem stupid, so instead I sat in silence for a minute as I tried to figure it out. What possible reason would he have for wanting to save me? Was it just that he wanted to save everybody in the arena? Surely that wasn't it. He hadn't seemed to hesitate to kill the boy from 11. I knew he felt bad about killing people, but his will to survive was more powerful than his guilt. Maybe it was just the same for me.

"Is this some sign that you're going to turn on me and kill me soon?" I asked.

He chuckled. "No, I'm keeping my promise. It's not that I have to bring myself to kill you, it's just that I feel like I have to keep you alive as long as possible, but that would just lead to worse situations. The longer you're alive, the more likely it is that it'll be just you and I at the end, and I don't know if I could kill you myself. But also, I want you to leave the arena alive. Of course I'll protect you as best as I can, but this Game can only afford one victor. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my job to save you. If anything, it's my job to kill you. And that thought makes me incredibly angry."

His words made me sad because they were true. I planned on trying to win -- whether or not I was capable of it -- because I had to keep my promise to Finnick. But if I did manage to win, what would that mean? Jill, Adri, Kip -- all dead. People I knew, people I liked, people who had expressed some form of kindness to me at one point or another. Even Kip had been friendly with me back when we went to school together. "You're being too deep," I said finally, my voice quiet and flat.

This made him laugh. "You know something, 4? I think we could have been good friends outside of this arena."

"It's a shame I'm supposed to kill you." I reminded him, trying to dampen his mood. The fact that he was so cheery shortly after being so deep confused and somewhat annoyed me.

Of course, he just laughed again. "A shame indeed."