All We've Ever Known

“Alex, get up,” someone shouted, shaking my shoulder. I jolted awake and hit my head on the small TV hanging from the ceiling of my bunk.

“What the fuck, dude?!” I replied angrily. I rubbed the spot on my forehead that would surely turn into a giant bruise.

Zack was standing outside of the bunk and was attempting to keep his laughter to a minimum. My head started to pound, probably a mixture between a massive hangover and the hit I took from the stupid TV. I fell back onto my pillow, flinging my arms out to the side, but was shocked to find that I was not alone. A small, blond girl slept peacefully beside me, seemingly undisturbed by the ruckus.

“What the...?” I mumbled, immediately climbing out of the bunk.

“Zack, what the hell?! What is she doing in there?” I asked as I quickly pulled on a pair of boxers, and then jeans.

“I mean… It’s not that hard to figure out,” he shrugged, walking away.

“Shit… Shit. What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know, you ran into her last night on Cobra’s bus and brought her over here.”

“Fuck… What do I do?! I mean… What’s Lisa going to do and everything?”

Zack laughed and replied, “Dude… I think this is the end for you. You’ve cheated on her one too many times.”

“Shut up… It’s not funny. Not at all. I don’t even know her fucking name!” I shouted.

“Whose name?” someone said from behind me, making me jump. I turned around to find the blond girl smiling. She gave me a quick hug, and a noticed that she stole one of my shirts.

“Uhm… No one. Are you… Leaving soon?” I asked nervously, biting down on my lip.

“Well, I didn’t realize you were in such a hurry! I was hoping we could get breakfast or something,” she said, reaching up and kissing me on the lips. Her mouth tasted like failure and I couldn’t help but feel a form of hatred towards her, even though this was all my fault.

“No, no,” I said, pushing her off of me. “You need to leave…”

She looked very offended, but started backing away, saying, “Okay… Fine.”

She got her purse and started walking to the door of the bus, so I followed her.

“Look, I’m really sorry,” I said as she walked out of the door.

“Yeah, tell me that next time you lead me on like that,” she spat at me. “Have a nice day, douchebag.”

I watched as she walked to her car towards the back of the parking lot and sighed. Why the hell did I do that?! I felt suddenly disgusting, like I was sick with something I couldn’t get rid of. I turned and walked solemnly back to the bus.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I said, sitting on the couch and grabbing a water bottle.

Jeff walked over and sat beside me, saying, “Then don’t do anything at all! What she doesn’t know won’t kill her.”

“Jeff, I have to be honest with her… I feel so terrible right now.”

“Well, you better think of something quick, because you have a meet-and-greet in a half hour,” he said, glancing down at his watch.

I looked down at my phone and saw that it was 3:24. A wave of depression rocked over me, since I missed my chance to go home for a bit. I had planned on waking up much earlier than this so that I could go home and visit my parents, and possibly Lisa. We were thirty minutes outside of our hometown, and whenever we were this close, I always made sure to go home.

“I talked to Paul today,” Rian said, sitting down on the other side of me.

My head shot up and I said, “Paul…? Paul who?!”

“Paul Granger,” he replied nervously.

I gulped anxiously and replied, “Why? What did he have to say?”

“Don’t tell him I told you, since I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but you do stupid things when you’re not ‘in the know’,” he answered with a laugh.

“Okay, okay, I won’t - but what did he call about?”

Rian took a deep breath before saying, “Macy’s coming tonight.”

“What?” I replied hesitantly. My mouth instantly dried out, and I struggled to pay attention to what Rian was saying.

“She got tickets to this show for her birthday apparently. Something about a l-“

“A list…” I mumbled, finishing his sentence.

She had made the list when she was in treatment a couple of months before we broke up. She told me that she planned to see every single band that she never got the chance to see in high school – my band being one of them. She never did go to any of our concerts… She got extremely anxious at large functions, and I never pushed her to see us – besides, she’d get to tonight anyway. Along with Fall Out Boy, which was definitely the main reason she was going in the first place. They were one of her top five on the list, and she was in for a bitter addition tonight.

“Why… Why did you talk to him?” I asked.

Rian shrugged, “He still had my number and wanted to… Warn me…”

“Why warn you?” I said somewhat frantically.

“Alex… She didn’t exactly have the best time in Maryland… Apparently she took the visit really hard, and he doesn’t want her seeing you and screwing her up any more than you already have.”

I screwed her up? I hadn’t intended to… But what I had feared the most clearly happened, and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. Something else pulled at my emotions, though… Something like excitement, but a severe nervousness to see her again, or… Not see her again. I was actually very disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to speak with her.

“Fuck life,” I muttered, getting up from the couch and putting a shirt on.

The subsequent meet-and-greet went faster than I had expected it to (or really wanted it to). I was hoping for it to drag on so I could buy more time before seeing Macy. I kept thinking I’d run into her, but why would I? I played my show and signed for kids – what would be my reason to run into her? I was hoping I wouldn’t, since I didn’t even want her seeing me, let alone speaking to me.

Once show time rolled around, I was more nervous than anything. I constantly felt like I was going to keel over at any moment, and was asked multiple times if I was okay – even by complete strangers. Was I okay? Why did the prospect of only seeing Macy make me want to pass out and die? Why did she have such an emotional hold over me? That couldn’t be healthy…

“Alright, dude. You sure you’re good?” Zack asked, clapping me on the back. I only nodded and looked toward the stage, feeling more nervous playing this show than the very first one of this tour, or the first one of my band’s career for that matter...

I had to push that all aside, though. I went onstage, trying to clear my mind of any upsetting thoughts that could ruin my performance. The kids came to see a good fucking show, and that’s what we were going to give them. Towards the end I felt like I was dying out, but I tried my best to banter back and forth with Jack, mostly letting him take the lead. I had a feeling that he sensed my anxiety, but nevertheless, I tried to make it all as lighthearted as I possibly could.

“Great fucking job, dude,” Rian laughed, grabbing my shoulder and shaking me slightly as we walked off the stage. “I’m quite impressed.”

I raised an eyebrow and asked, “What do you mean?”

“We all saw the way you were about to puke before we went on stage. You hid it well, man.”

“Whatever,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “That’s not something to be happy about. I still feel like shit.”

I took a long drink of water in the back lounge and then headed out with Jack to the merch table. As soon as we stepped into view, the teenage girls surrounding the area went wild and immediately rushed to get autographs and pictures.

I loved the fans more than anything, but I was exhausted and upset and nervous – and I certainly wasn’t in the mood to act crazy happy for a bunch of screaming, groping girls.

They started dwindling after about an hour, and a few stragglers were left, attempting to keep an interesting conversation up with Jack. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk anymore, so I let my mind and eyes wander as I took in the pretty flowers that lined the entrance to the venue. I could tell Jack was getting tired as well, since he wasn’t really up for joking around as he normally was.

My eyes scanned the area and connected with a pair of bright, icy-blue ones, my breath hitching in my throat. Her eyes went wide and she looked away as she passed by with another girl. I recognized her friend and there was no denying it was definitely Macy.

She continued down the sidewalk to the exit of the venue, clearly hoping that I wouldn’t notice her. Before I could control any of my muscles, I was sprinting towards them, Rian shouting for me to come back. I couldn’t let her get away again though, regardless of the huge mistake I was making.

“Macy!” I shouted, making her stop in her tracks. My heartbeat sped up as she turned around and finally looked at me. “Mace, where are you going?”

She looked back at her friend, who I remembered was named Val, and back to me saying, “I’m… Going home.”

“Oh…” I said dumbly. Of course she was going home. “Did you get to see our set?”

She smiled, and it seemed to be a genuine smile, and replied, “Yeah, I did. You guys were really, really great. Should’ve gone all those other times!”

“I know!” I said, throwing my hands up. “I always told you that you wouldn’t regret it.”

She laughed and looked at the ground, clearly waiting for me to say something. I could feel the awkwardness setting in and glanced at Val, who seemed completely unimpressed that I was talking to them. Maybe this was a mistake…

Jack came bounding to my side, and once he saw Macy, he enveloped her in a huge hug.

“Macy! You’re here!” he laughed, spinning her around. I could hear her light, melodic laugh as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” Jack said, faking a sob and wiping at invisible tears.

“I’m so sorry, Jack. I didn’t mean to cause you so much pain,” she laughed, taking his hand into her delicate palm.

They stood there laughing for practically a minute straight, and I felt a little jealous, to be honest. It made me feel awful that she was having all this lighthearted fun with Jack, but whenever we spoke, it was serious and awkward. It was completely understandable, but it still made me feel really bad.

“You guys should come back to our bus and hang out!” Jack said excitedly. I groaned inwardly and was mentally murdering him as he smiled widely.

“Uhm… I don’t know,” she replied, looking down. “We sort of had plans for the night.”

Val nodded in agreement and Jack pouted.

“Please? Fall Out Boy’s going to be there! You can actually meet them. And I think Cobra’s going to be there, too… But I’m not sure yet.”

“Cobra?” Val asked, glancing at Macy.

Macy nodded, still looking at the ground, and replied, “Cobra Starship.”

“So will you come?!” Jack asked hopefully, grabbing Macy’s hands again. She anxiously glanced back at Val who shrugged.

“Okay…” she finally said. “But only for a little bit.”