All We've Ever Known

I frantically looked to Val as we followed Jack and Alex back to their bus. I was searching for an inkling of hope that this would all go well, but Val couldn’t seem to show me that. She just looked straight ahead, her mouth pressed into a tight line.

I sighed and looked at the ground. What was I thinking doing this? I just spent weeks getting over my trip to Baltimore, and now I’m throwing myself into the worst situation I could imagine. Although no one said it, I wasn’t stupid enough to know that this wasn’t going to consist of just “hanging out”. It was sure to be a rager, and that terrified me. That meant booze, booze, and more booze, along with crazy drunk people with no morals – everything that I wanted to avoid for the rest of my life.

When the bus came into full view, all of my fears were confirmed. It seemed to almost sway from side to side with all of the activity going on inside of it. I could make out the dancing bodies that were jumping about, and the loud music could probably be heard from a mile away. As I looked straight ahead, I could see Alex, out of the corner of my eye, look uneasily at me and then at Jack. Jack made eye contact with him and shrugged, and I suddenly got nervous that he didn’t want me there. It was an irrational, but very possible at the same time, thing to think and it made me want to turn around and run back to my car.

“Alright, well, this is it!” Jack said, motioning to the large, loudly thumping bus. I looked up at the monstrosity and gulped nervously.

“Thanks for inviting us,” Val said. She sounded more enthusiastic, probably because she didn’t realize this party was going to be so “fun” – and I put fun in quotation marks, because anything involving excessive amounts of booze and loud music was “fun” and completely normal for Val.

I looked anxiously at her, and she shrugged with a smile, grabbing my hand and pulling me on the bus. I was immediately hit with extremely stuffy air that just reeked of alcohol. It almost made me want to vomit the first time I breathed in.

I stuck to Val’s side the whole night as she drank and danced. I felt extremely out of place being the completely sober one, so the first chance I got when Val went to the bathroom I slipped outside. I headed to the back of the bus and sat on the ground, my back against the giant tire. I took out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long, satisfying drag and letting it out slowly. It was more peaceful and airy outside, and that was just what I needed.

“What are you doing out here?” Alex called from the bus door. I jumped at his voice and watched as he walked over to me and sat on the ground.

“I… Uhm… Just needed air,” I replied, taking another drag of my cigarette.

Alex nodded and said, “Yeah… It gets a little crazy in there, doesn’t it?”

“A little crazy?” I laughed. “I had to pinch myself multiple times just to see if I was actually in real life.”

“I see you’re not drinking?” Alex said, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded and looked out across the parking lot. “Nah, I don’t do that anymore… Trying to keep the old noggin clear.” I laughed uneasily as I tapped my head with my finger.

Alex looked down at the ground and I couldn’t help but notice the sad look he was trying to hide. His soft features seemed more tired than usual, and his light brown hair was an absolute mess.

“How are things going with you?” I asked softly, flicking off the ashes of my cigarette.

He shrugged and replied, “They’re fine…”

“Just fine?”

Alex paused for a moment, contemplating what he was going to say, and said, “Honestly? Pretty shitty.”

Pretty shitty? Why pretty shitty? As I looked him over, I was suddenly overcome with a sense of severe sadness. He was feeling shitty and I didn’t know how or why he was feeling that way. If this was five years prior, I would’ve known and sensed it days in advanced.

“Why?”

“I don’t know… My life’s just been… A little crazy. It’ll all turn out okay, though… Things have a habit of doing that.”

I nodded and we sat in silence for another minute or two. It was the first time however, that it didn’t feel at all awkward. It was a comfortable silence, one that allowed the both of us to take in and accept the presence of one another, rather than completely freak out.

“So… What are you doing now?” Alex asked. “I mean, what do you do? Job-wise…”

I laughed and replied, “I’m a dental hygienist now.”

“Dental hygienist? How random…” Alex said with a smile.

“Hey, it pays good money, so that’s all I care about. Plus, it’s kind of nice knowing what to expect day in and day out.”

He nodded and replied, “I can see that. When are Val and Paul getting married? I remember you saying something about that a couple of weeks ago.”

“In June!”

“God… I remember when they first met…” Alex said, looking out across the dark parking lot. “Seems like just yesterday.”

“Yeah, and you tried to hit on her the first day he introduced her to us,” I laughed, pushing his shoulder.

“Hey, she’s quite the good-lookin’ lady! What can I say?”

“Pig…” I laughed, glaring at him.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

There was more silence, and I stretched out my legs and sighed. I felt more relaxed than I had all night, and that shocked me. Here I was talking with a boy who I most definitely should not have been talking to, and I felt totally fine, minus the slight depression that was creeping over my mind. I’d surely pay for that later.

“Mace… I really miss you,” Alex finally muttered, staring at the ground again. I looked over at him, shocked.

“Why…?” I replied hesitantly.

He shrugged and looked up at me, his gaze making my heartbeat speed up. “I don’t know… Why not? I’ve just been remembering all the stupid shit we always got ourselves into, and it’s been making me really nostalgic…”

I laughed and replied, “Yeah, we did get ourselves into some stupid shit, huh?”

“Massively stupid. I’m surprised we’re not in jail now…”

“Or dead,” I added.

Alex’s features became serious and he replied, “Yeah… Glad we’re not dead.”

My heart ached at those words, and I felt very guilty. We could’ve still been together and the best of friends if I hadn’t fucked it all up… But maybe it was supposed to be that way… Maybe we weren’t meant to be together for that long.

“I’m sorry…” I muttered.

“What do you mean?”

I sighed before continuing, “I’m sorry that I fucked things up for us.”

Alex smiled and shook his head. “Don’t be fucking sorry. I’m just glad that you’re… Better. How’ve you been with… Everything?”

“I’ve been alright…” I replied after a pause. “I’ve been clean for two years now. Recovered for the same amount of time, too.”

“Does it still… Bother you?”

“Does what still bother me?” I asked.

He shrugged and replied, “Everything – the impulses and the eating disorder.”

I laughed, but not because I thought it was funny, and replied, “Alex, I think about it every fucking day. Every minute. But… It’s all okay, because I know I can’t… Go back to it.”

He nodded and looked at the ground. I wanted to go over and hug him for whatever reason – hug him, kiss him, just… Hold his hand. I wanted it to be as if we had never broken up, as if I had never left his side. I wanted it to be as if I had been with him on his whole life journey… He had grown into such a… Mature human being and I wished that I had seen it happen.

Val stumbled out of the bus laughing her stupid head off and teetered over to where we were sitting.

“You know,” she slurred, “your friend Jack is quite the charmer.”

Alex looked up at her and smiled, saying, “Oh, is he now? And what did he say to you?”

I had to stifle a laugh at the way Alex was speaking with her.

“He just… S-said that…” she paused and looked as if she was going to cry, but instead, she leaned over and threw up.

“Okay,” I grunted, stubbing out my cigarette and getting up off the ground. “I think it’s about time we get you home.”

Alex laughed and attempted to say something, but Val was beginning to sway, her eyes closing.

“Macy, I don’t feel well at all…” she mumbled. Alex caught her just in time before she fell to the ground, and he began carrying her out to the parking lot.

“Alex, you don’t have to that,” I said, touching his arm. I could see goose bumps erupt over his skin, and instantly removed my hand, blushing.

“No, no. I got it… She’s light anyway,” he replied quickly.

My car (my new, absolutely perfect car, might I add) wasn’t parked too far from where the bus was parked. Alex gingerly placed Val in the front seat of the car and slammed the door shut.

“Sheesh… She’s really shitfaced…” Alex muttered, leaning against the back of the car.

I laughed and replied, “Yeah… She really can’t hold alcohol well at all…”

There was a long pause, and it seemed that neither of us wanted to leave.

“Macy… I don’t want this to be it,” Alex mumbled, looking at the ground.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want you to leave and then we never speak again, you know? I want… To hang out with you and still be… Cordial. Not… Not weird like it has been,” he finally said with a sigh.

I looked down as well and replied, “Alex, I want that also, but… It’s hard.”

“What’s hard?”

I bit my bottom lip, not wanting to say anything. There was so much wrong with us being just friends that I didn’t even want to think about it.

“It’s hard… Just seeing you. I can’t explain it,” I finally said.

Alex nodded and answered, “No, I get it… I actually… Completely get it.”

I looked up at him and could see the pain in his face. I didn’t feel sad though that I was leaving… By him suggesting we hang out some other time, it gave me some kind of hope… It made me feel better in a sense, since that didn’t mean I’d never see him again.

He finally looked up and his eyes were deep and mysterious. He turned to face me and gently took my face in his hands, his breath fanning across my face.

“Alex…” I sighed. “What are you doing?”

He didn’t answer though, he just pressed his lips gently to mine and my heart shot up into my throat, making it very hard to breathe. My hands reached up to grab his forearms so that I could steady myself, otherwise I would have surely fallen over at any moment.

It was a short, gentle kiss that still left me completely breathless. He pulled away, his eyes still closed and a slight smirk playing on his lips.

“Goodbye, Macy,” he said quietly, releasing my face and backing away.

I couldn’t help but smile slightly as he stopped a few feet away. His smile grew exponentially when he saw that I wasn’t angry or upset, and he stood there as I got into my car and began backing out the parking spot.

“I’ll see you sometime then?” he asked hopefully.

I laughed and replied, “I’ll think about it.”

He threw his hands up in the air, that same, stupid smile plastered to his face. I waved one last time and then drove away, wishing that I was back with him.