All We've Ever Known

“Alex, come on!” Lisa shrieked from the living room, her voice excited and happy. It was the first time in over three months that we were actually happy to be doing something together, so she was obviously beside herself.

It wasn’t anything exciting, though. She had been talking about how we hadn’t been down to Ocean City in years, so I suggested that we go, which cheered her right up. Before that however, we were a fighting mess, and couldn’t go a day without a hurtful brawl ensuing. I truly thought that it was going to be the end, especially after my… Date? I suppose I could call it a date… With Macy.

My chest tightened at that thought, and I cringed slightly at the fact that I had been so sure of being with Macy, and now I was being a coward. I hardly talked to Macy anymore after the night only one week prior. She only texted me once to tell me that she had a good time. I obviously didn’t believe her, since it was an unexpectedly emotional time – and it was all my fault, too. If I hadn’t told her that I liked her so much, she wouldn’t have had to reveal any of the things she did, yet I was stupid and pulled out all of the terrible information. She did however, send me a short message the day before Lisa and I’s departure saying that she came across an old photo album of us, which made me smile. I knew she was hurting, but it was nice that she still kept it cordial between us, even after all the things that were said.

After being with her that night, I realized that my feelings for her were so deep rooted, that no matter whom I was with or what I did in life, I wouldn’t be able to even slightly fade her from my memory. She’d always be there, front and center – just like she had been all my life so far. That scared the absolute shit out of me.

Mainly because I felt so inferior to her now. She was so much more complex than I was, and she had such a deeper understanding of life than I would ever have. It left me in awe every time, and it made me feel like I didn’t really know her anymore. She was so much more… Reserved and relaxed than she used to be. She was an observer - not that she wasn’t before… But now, she was so quiet… And I would do anything to know what she was thinking about at every moment of the day.

“Alex!” Lisa giggled for the last time. I descended the steps to find her jumping up and down, her sun hat flopping as she did so.

“Alright, alright,” I laughed. “Let’s go. Where’s Rian?”

“Oh…” Lisa muttered, looking down. “He didn’t tell you? Him and Kara are having major problems.”

“Wait, how do you know?” I said, shocked. The bastard was sleeping in his bedroom, and I was in a rush to get to the car already.

“He only told me because I was up at the ass-crack of dawn to walk the dogs. He was sitting on the back porch this morning. He’s really crazy about what’s going on.”

“But what’s going on?” I said, exasperated.

Lisa shook her head and started towards the door, saying, “I’ll tell you in the car.”

I grunted and followed her out the door. The day was bright and sunny, but overwhelmingly hot – a perfect beach day. Or beach weekend… Whichever way you looked at it. We were going down to Ocean City with a group of friends, so I was actually looking forward to it a bit… There still felt like there was something missing. One of the last times I went to Ocean City was my junior year, and Macy had come along with the group. It wasn’t exactly the best of times, but it was one of the last that she was with her old friends.

With a sigh, I threw our bags in the trunk as well as the beach chairs and towels. I wanted to hear more about this Rian business, so I was quick to get back in the car and back out of the driveway.

“Alright, now tell me what’s going on,” I finally said as I approached the exit to the highway we had to take.

“Okay, well, apparently – and I heard this from Kara – he cheated on her while on tour. Do you remember anything suspicious going on?” Lisa asked, turning to me.

I thought for a moment, trying to remember a time where Rian would ever even think of doing something like that. Rian was never the guy to cheat on his girlfriend, not Kara. It was still too shocking to even process in my brain, but I still searched for a moment.

Just before giving up, I remembered the moment on the Fall Out Boy tour when he and Cassadee were laughing together – the way she touched his arm and smiled at his every word… It seemed all too suspicious at the time, and I remember commenting on that fact, but I guess I had just pushed it away because it seemed impossible. But now… Now it made sense. All those times where they would go off on walks together, or I’d find him on their bus all the time…

“Yeah…” I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the road. “Yeah, with Cassadee Pope.”

Lisa seemed to nod to herself, confirming a suspicion that she had. “I thought so. Kara told me that she found texts from her in his phone, and then Rian apparently was always distant when he got home… He’d never really want to kiss her or hug her or touch her in any way.”

“God… I can’t even believe it…” I whispered. “They seemed like such a solid couple…”

“I know…” Lisa agreed. “And this morning he was really upset because he thought he was making a huge mistake – which he is… I just feel terrible for Kara! She was always such an amazing person – how could anyone cheat on her?”

“Yeah…” I replied absentmindedly. “I just can’t even wrap my brain around it…”

The conversation dropped and we kept up a quiet, but semi-happy conversation after that. I was already so surprised at how well the day was going, but I was scared something was going to happen. Especially after all of this Kara and Rian drama, I feared that Lisa was going to sense what was truly going on with Macy and me. I was able to smoothly lie about meeting up with her, but something deep in my gut told me she really knew, but was in denial.

When we arrived at our friend Sam’s shore house, Lisa immediately ran to hug Kara, who I assumed came to get away from home and enjoy some good times with her friends. As I looked upon our friends greeting each other, I wanted nothing more than to be here with Macy, not Lisa. I wanted Macy to be the one hugging Kara and consoling her, not Lisa. Macy belonged here just as much as Lisa did and it made me sad to think that she felt so inferior to everyone else, whether she denied it or not.

“Hey, man,” Grieco smiled, extending his hand. I grabbed it and pulled him in for a quick hug, trying to clear my brain.

“Hey…” I replied quietly. “Nice weekend for a trip like this!”

“No kidding!” he laughed, and then he turned, with all of his stuff in tow, and entered the house.

The rest of the day went on in a normal fashion – beach activities, a cookout, and then relaxing under the dark, star ridden sky on the sand. By now though, everyone was slowly getting wasted, and I could see the couples going off to engage in whatever they were doing. I could feel Lisa’s hand moving farther and farther up my thigh, drawing small, steady circles. She wasn’t drunk, I could tell. She was slightly inebriated, but totally there. I knew she wanted it, but I had denied her sex since the day I got back from tour, and she obviously knew something was wrong. She hadn’t said anything, though. She never was one to provoke such nights, only I really did that… And since I hadn’t been there for two months before that week, I could sense she was itching to feel something more than just a peck on the cheek.

She leaned up from her position on my chest and kissed me softly, a smile playing on her lips. I ended the kiss and smiled down at her, then looked out at the ocean so she wouldn’t kiss me again.

It wasn’t that I didn’t necessarily want her to, it was just… I was in need of someone else… Not Lisa. By the time the night officially ended, we were one of the last people still out on the beach. Lisa and I said our goodbyes to Sam and Jessie, who were laughing away about something that had happened to them earlier that morning. Lisa grabbed my hand eagerly, which made my stomach churn.

We walked into the house and up the stairs to the room we claimed. Once I shut the door, she locked her hands around my waist and kissed me so passionately my head spun. I hadn’t realized how much she wanted this, and I felt guilty for denying her for so long. She pushed the light shirt I had off of my shoulders, and it fell softly to the ground. Her small hands roamed my chest, going lower and lower with each passing second. As they gripped my hips, I instantly reached down and grabbed them, holding them firmly within my own hands. She looked up at me, unsure of what was going on.

“It’s really late…” I muttered, nodding my head towards the cable box on top of the small TV in the corner, which read 4:37am. “I’m really beat, Lis…”

I wasn’t drunk at all, but I was exhausted. I was genuinely ready for bed, but I also wanted to avoid going too far with Lisa. Suddenly she seemed like a stranger trying desperately to seduce me. It made me pity her for absolutely no reason, and I instantly felt terrible. I didn’t belong with her anymore, and I was stringing her along for nothing.

“You’re always fucking tired,” Lisa snapped, wrenching her hands from my grip. “What the hell is going on with you? You’re making me feel absolutely terrible about myself.”

I hung my head and sighed, replying, “I’m sorry, Lisa… I just… I don’t feel it tonight.”

She looked at me for a couple of seconds, a look of pure disgust masking her beautiful features.

“Mhm…” she mumbled. “Okay, Alex. Whatever you say.”

She turned away from me and got into the bed, not even bothering to take her makeup off or change her clothes. She pulled the blanket over her shoulders and turned out the light, leaving me standing by the door in silence and darkness. The awkward tension that ensued forced me to leave the room, and I quietly made my way down the stairs.

The couch was deserted, so I spread myself out across it and sighed. What was I doing? Who was I fooling? How long did I think I could go without Lisa noticing there was something wrong?

Lisa had been my everything for four years, and suddenly, I felt so utterly alone and confused. I pulled out my phone and read through the very short text conversation between Macy and I. Just the thought of her made my heart flutter. Deep down, I truly believed that Macy was still the one for me…

I carefully typed out a message, my hands shaking slightly.

I hope you’re still as bad of an insomniac as you used to be…

I sighed and turned on my side, looking out the glass sliding doors and into the deep blackness that was the sea. I didn’t expect her to reply to me - why would she? I always made her feel like shit, and I feared I always would.

But after a couple of minutes of trying to calm myself down, I was shocked to feel my phone vibrate in my hands. I nervously lifted the phone to my eyes and read the text that made my heart beat a million times too fast.

Macy:
Perhaps… Why?

I smiled to myself, picturing her lying awake reading a book or mindlessly watching TV, desperately awaiting sleep. Macy was an insomniac for as long as I could remember… When it began, she waited to naturally fall asleep – since that was all she knew. She came across her mother’s sleeping pills one night and decided to take some, which then began her long struggle with an addiction to sleep aids. It wasn’t that she was chemically addicted – she was completely mentally addicted. Most of the time they wouldn’t even work, so she’d end up lying awake for eternity.

I got up off of the couch and walked out of the back door, letting my feet lead me to the ocean. I let the cool, dark water roll up and swallow my toes, then recede slowly. I dialed Macy’s number with shaky fingers, hoping that she’d be in the mood for a conversation – though I was sure, after last speaking together, she didn’t want one.

I couldn’t blame her – I didn’t mean to make her spill her secrets the way she had. I didn’t mean for her to get upset, I just wanted to know what made her change. I knew there was still so much she hadn’t told me, but there was no way I was ever going to bring it up unless she wanted to tell me herself.

Macy picked up after three rings, though. I sighed with relief as her soft, melodic voice filled my head.

“Hello?” she said, confused.

“Hey, Macy Lynn…” I laughed. “Sorry I’m calling you so late. Or… So early, I guess.”

She breathed a laugh on the other end and replied, “It’s totally fine… Are you okay?”

“Yeah! I’m fine! I was just… I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep, so I thought now would be a perfect time to talk with you…”

“That’s sadly true,” she said with a sigh. “I still can’t shake the insomnia… It’s terrible!”

I laughed again, and for the following two hours, her and I just… Talked. No drama, no serious question - just filling each other in on the little things, things that we bypassed the last time we spoke. By the time I hung up with her, it was 7:02 in the morning, and I knew I had to get some sleep. I walked up the steps and entered the bedroom to find Lisa sleeping peacefully. I sighed and turned back around, heading towards the steps.

I knew she would wake up and be angry with me if I decided to sleep in the bed with her, so I took to the couch once more.

This time, my mind wasn’t as jumbled up. Speaking with Macy was just what I needed to clear my head, which was shocking. Macy made me feel surer of myself, and she also solidified the fact that I didn’t belong with Lisa. I had to break it off one way or another, because Macy or no Macy – Lisa and I just weren’t right.

And if Lisa and I weren’t right, I didn’t care how wrong Macy and I were – I was going to make it my mission to earn her trust. I wanted Macy, and no matter how many times I tried to deny it, I was going to be with her. It’s how it was always supposed to be.