All We've Ever Known

I took the fresh bagel out of the toaster and nervously retrieved the butter from the refrigerator. Val sat watching me from the kitchen table, her eyes warily darting between me and the phone she was using. I tried to ignore her as I slowly buttered one side of the bagel, being sure to put the butter back in its correct place before sitting down at the breakfast nook instead of the table. If I was going to eat a fear food of mine for the first time in over seven years, I wanted to do it in a fashion where no one was watching me.

I anxiously looked down at the bagel, the invisible carbs practically glowing from within the golden, toasted surface. I took a deep breath, a feeble attempt at calming my nerves, and took a small bite, trying to ignore the fact that the butter was seeping through the walls of my mouth and injecting pure fat into my veins.

Macy, you’re doing fine, I tried to tell myself as I took another bite. It’s okay…

But it wasn’t okay. I could feel the bagel pushing itself into my stomach and lazily churning it into a fatty pulp. I couldn’t handle it… I only ate half of one side of the bagel before clenching my fists and shutting my eyes tight. I pushed the plate off of the counter and let it fall to the floor, shattering into multiple pieces. Val jumped at the sound and looked nervously at me, but I ignored her gaze. I just stomped out of the kitchen and into my bedroom, hastily shutting my door – not even bothering with the broken plate.

I buried myself in the covers on my bed and tried to keep my mind off of how much I currently hated myself. Why couldn’t I eat normal things like everyone else? Why did everything have to be such a big ordeal to me? It seemed that certain foods just instantly made me fat – but other people could freely consume them without a single pound being slapped on.

I heard a soft knock on the door, and Val entered the room slowly. Her sweet perfume filled the air as she sat on the bed beside me.

“I’m going to work now…” she said soothingly. “Are you working today?”

“No,” I mumbled into my pillow. There was silence, and I felt the bed rise as Val got up.

“Just… Focus on other things, Mace. Don’t let this get to you too much… You tried,” she muttered before leaving my room. I heard the front door open and close, and then there was complete silence.

I did try. I’ve been trying for the past two years to get over all that had happened to me, but here I was – unable to eat a piece of a fucking bagel. I felt like an utter failure as my stomach churned nauseously, the feeling that I had to vomit making my mouth water from instinct. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, kneeling before the toilet and allowing my stomach to involuntarily empty itself.

I pressed my face to the cold bathroom floor once I was finished and cried, the frustration of the day finally taking its toll on me. Yeah, Val. I “tried”. And there I was throwing up all of my efforts. Against my own will.

That was the worst part of what I had done to myself. After binging and purging so many times for so many years, my body was so used to emptying itself almost every time I ate. There were many days where I had to have nutrition drinks nonstop to make up for the nutrients I was unable to provide for myself because of my inability to eat solid foods. Now, after “recovering”, I was still unable to keep certain foods down, and it sucked beyond anything else.

I got up off of the floor and sat down on the couch, noticing that Val had cleaned up the broken dish. My phone began vibrating against the glass top of the coffee table, and I looked at it warily. The name on the front made my heartbeat speed up, and I nervously grasped my phone and pressed the “answer” button.

“Hello?” I said anxiously, biting my already bleeding cuticle.

“Hey, Macy Lynn,” Alex replied, a slightly sad tone to his voice.

“Hey… What’s wrong?” I asked, getting up and pacing around the room.

“Can you open your door?”

My breath caught in my throat as I stopped short in the middle of the living room. I took the phone away from my face and glanced at the large white door by the kitchen. On the other side of that, Alex Gaskarth was surely standing there, waiting to be greeted.

I walked over slowly and grabbed the doorknob, turning it ever so slightly to open it. Sure enough, Alex stood nervously on the other side, his hands in his pockets. A small smile played on his lips and he shrugged.

“Hey,” he said quietly, walking forward and enveloping me in a hug. His cologne overwhelmed me – the unknown cologne that I loved so much. I gently patted his back before pushing away from him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked hesitantly. He smiled and looked down at his shoes.

“I need to talk to you about something…” he muttered, his eyes still not meeting mine. I nodded slowly and then stepped aside for him to enter.

He stood facing away from me in the middle of my living room, his hands still in his pockets. He seemed as if he was debating something, and then suddenly turned, his face wild with anxiety.

“Macy, I’m sorry,” he said, slightly crazed. “I’m sorry I let you go in the first place.” He looked back down at the last part, and I just stood by the door, confused.

“What… What do you mean?” I asked stupidly. I mentally facepalmed – obviously I knew what he meant. My mind was too confused to see where the conversation was going, though.

“I’ve done so many stupid things in my life, Mace… So many. But the one thing I can’t seem to forgive myself for is letting you go. When I found out in high school that you left, I… I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I thought for sure we’d get back together initially, but then… Then it obviously never happened. You just left…”

I looked down, overcome with sadness. “I had to leave.”

“I know, I know,” Alex said, walking forward and gripping the sides of my arms. “But I wish I had stopped you. I wish I had known what was going on – because now here we are, almost strangers, and I’ve never wanted a person more in my entire life. And I need this person to fall in love with me all over again.”

“Alex…”

“And I know this is sudden, and maybe stupid – I may be fucking this all up by coming here – but I needed you to know that. I need you know that I still care about you. Which… You obviously already know… I just, I don’t know…”

“Alex, you’re with Lisa,” I said slowly, still surprised to properly comprehend anything.

“Lisa is absolutely nothing compared to you. I’ve only ever had two real girlfriends my whole life… You and then her. But you were always the one I could never stop thinking about, always the one that made me feel worth something more than just a stable life with the added benefits of a more stable income. To Lisa, this is all just… Serious. Everything is about the house, the dog, the bills, blah blah blah. And when I’m with you… I feel… I don’t know! Free! Happy and free…”

I still didn’t know what else to say. Here was the only boy I had ever loved, ever trusted, standing right in my living room professing his love for me, and I couldn’t find the right words to say for the life of me. This was all I had ever wanted for years, and I was drawing a blank.

“Mace, I can’t leave here without knowing whether or not you love me back,” he said quietly, his tone sad again.

“You… Love me?” I whispered, unable to speak properly.

“Love you?” Alex snorted. “Love is an understatement. And besides, I’ve never stopped since day one. I only broke up with you because… Because I was scared of losing you. There was always that fear that you would die, and I would be left alone – so I had to cut it short…”

I looked away, feeling extremely shameful. All this time I thought he had broken up with me simply because he didn’t love me anymore. The fact that he only did it because he didn’t want to experience yet another death of a person so close to him made me want to cry. I had been so foolish all this time.

“Of course I still love you,” he whispered again after a couple moments of silence.

I sighed and answered, “Alex, I still want to know about Lisa. You obviously can’t do this.”

His expression seemed unimpressed, as if bringing up Lisa was so completely irrelevant to him. He sighed and said, “I’ve been planning on breaking up with her for a while… We’re not… We’re not right for each other.

“You… Can’t do that… What would make you want to do that?” I said incredulously. I felt like it was all my fault… I was a home wrecker…

“No, no, no,” Alex responded, quickly grabbing my hands and intertwining our fingers together. “Please don’t do that… Don’t make yourself feel bad for nothing. This is not your fault…”

“Mhm… You definitely wouldn’t have felt this way if I hadn’t come back,” I said, looking down. I felt so absolutely terrible for Lisa. I never visited with the intention of getting back together with Alex. In fact, that was the very last, if not nonexistent, thing I had intended to do.

“It was obvious for a while that we were having problems… And I kept feeling so guilty for stringing her along like I am, so... I think it’s about time to end it.”

“Alex…” I sighed, pulling my hand back and turning from him. “There’s still so much you don’t know about. I still have all of the issues I had in high school. Who’s to say you won’t quit when the going gets tough? You can’t throw everything away so suddenly…”

Alex raised an eyebrow and replied, “What do you mean?”

“I still have terrible breakdowns, Alex… I still have terrible episodes with everything, and I’ve been trying really hard to reduce them, but I still struggle with a lot. Granted, I’ve been able to recover from a lot… Kind of… But I still just… I’m still healing.”

“I was too young to understand what was going on with you,” Alex said, following me over to the sliding glass doors. I stepped outside and sat down in one of the lounge chairs. Alex sat in the other one, but he sat totally upright, as if his body was rigid with anticipation. He was waiting for me to just tell him everything was going to work out… But how could I be so sure?

“I know…” I sighed. “Everything’s still so complicated… And I’m still trying to get over a lot of shit that’s happened to me since we broke up. I need to know that you’ll be here no matter what. I promise things will never get as bad as they did in high school… I just need the assurance that things will still be okay if I mess up.”

“Of course they will, Macy!” Alex said, exasperated. “Mace, this is ridiculous. You know I wouldn’t walk out on you just because you had a couple hang ups. High school was totally different! I trust that you’re better now! Or… At least getting better.”

I looked out across the small inner city of Seaford and sighed. I knew I could trust Alex – he had never intentionally hurt me before, but it was still a risky thing to get involved in. I had only been in one other relationship, if you could even call it that, after Alex – and it did not end well in the least. All that left me with was severe emotional trauma and a set of scars to ruin my life. I couldn’t afford to lose another person in my life if things didn’t work out - quite possibly the most important person

“Alright,” I finally whispered. “Okay.”

A huge, ear-to-ear grin broke out across his face and he nodded. “Macy Lynn, I won’t let you down. Give me time, okay? This could be great – you’ll see!”

I smiled softly and replied, “Whatever you say, Gaskarth.”

He got up and walked over to my chair. He slowly leaned down to kiss me, being sure to make solid, yet soft eye contact with me – a shy smile gracing his features. I reached up a bit and met him halfway, my heart shooting up into my throat as our lips collided. This kiss was so different, so reassuring. This was where I belonged. This was where I was always meant to be.