All We've Ever Known

We walked back to the car after sitting on the rock for about two hours. After I had told him as much as I was able to about my life, he let me ask him as many questions as I wished about his. It made me feel guilty that he so freely let me ask him questions, but when it came to the opposite, I couldn’t even bear the thought of reciprocating.

He seemed to be the same as he was when he was seventeen, but there was such a strong sense of maturity present that, at times, I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Alex was no child. He was experienced in life, and quite frankly I felt a bit inferior to him. He had lived a decent mixture of a good and bad existence and was experienced enough to seem... Almost wise. I was jealous of the fact that he had achieved so much success with the heartache he had experienced.

“What do we do now?” he asked as he glanced at the clock on the car radio.

“It’s six-thirty… Paul should be coming home soon. Val’s probably home now, though. She won’t mind if you’re there,” I replied. Though, now that I thought about it, she was probably mad at me that I left a very confused Paul all to her. He might have even gone off on her for not telling him what was going on – but how could she have known that Alex was going to come and spring this on me? Even I was shocked beyond comprehension.

“Maybe that’s not such a good idea after all…” I mumbled.

Alex shrugged and replied, “You know, maybe this is a sign I should go home. We had a really nice day, and I don’t want to ruin it by making anyone upset or anything.”

Making anyone upset? I laughed, somewhat bitterly. I wasn’t mad, though… I was glad I confessed at least one other thing, which took a bit more weight off of my shoulders.

I sighed and looked down at my hands. He was right – it was best if we left it at that. “I just feel bad that you keep coming here for one day, and today was so short.”

Alex looked over at me and smiled widely, replying, “Hey, it might have been short, but it certainly was eventful.”

He grasped my hand in his and gently traced the scars that crossed my fingers. He looked down at them and observed them carefully, while still paying attention to the road.

“There’s more than there used to be…” he noted sadly, turning my arm around so he could look at the other side. I was suddenly extremely self-conscious, so I removed my hand from his and crossed my arms, glancing at him sheepishly, embarrassed.

“What?” he said, smiling slightly. “I was just looking!”

“I was scared you were judging me,” I mumbled, looking out the window.

“Macy Lynn, when have I ever judged you?”

I turned back to him and saw the sincerity in his features. “I guess never… I’m just… Used to it.”

“Please don’t worry about things like that, okay?” he said softly, shaking my arm free from my tightly held position. He reassuringly squeezed my hand and held it until he arrived at my apartment.

I got out of the car and he followed, walking around and enveloping me in a hug.

“I don’t regret coming here at all,” he whispered into my hair.

“You thought you would?” I asked, pulling away slightly.

“I was scared you would freak out or be angry…”

I nodded and replied, “I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t…”

“Indeed,” he smiled, leaning down and kissing me.

Kissing Alex seemed to get more and more amazing every time he pressed his lips to mine. Each time, my heart would beat more intensely, and my stomach would erupt in butterflies. I could kiss him for hours, days, years and never get tired of it – and it was no surprise why I missed it so much. Alex was always an amazing kisser, and it seemed to get better with age and, what I assumed to be, more experience.

“I’ll talk to you later,” he said breathlessly as he pulled away. His eyes were still closed as he leaned down to kiss me one last time. “Expect a call later tonight!”

He walked away and got into his car, smiling widely as he started it. He waved and drove off, leaving me standing alone in front of my apartment building. I sighed and entered the building, climbing the steps to apartment 7F. When I opened the door, Val was sitting in a chair in the living room reading a book.

“Well, if it isn’t Ms. I’m Going to Freak Paul Out Just So He’ll Yell at Val,” she muttered, putting the book on her lap.

“I’m so sorry, Val…” I moaned, sitting down on the couch. “I had a feeling that would happen.”

“Yeah,” she replied, unimpressed. “Maybe remember that next time you bring home a long-lost love.”

“Val, I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t expecting him to come! I had no idea Alex would be here…”

Val smiled and leaned her head against the chair. “So what happened?”

I couldn’t help but smile in response. I looked down at my arm and traced the deep, jagged scars, my mind going back to the moment he told me he loved me. I’d never forget it, and it gave me excited chills every time.

“He told me he loved me…” I whispered, feeling tears prick my eyes.

It wasn’t until that moment that my mind seemed to process everything. I had Alex. He was mine. He said he loved me and I told him that I loved him. Though it wasn’t set in stone, we were each other’s. I knew I could trust Alex with my life, and I hadn’t felt that sense of security in… Years.

“Val, I’ve never felt so great in so long…” I mumbled, a tear rolling down my cheek. “This was everything I’ve ever wanted.”

She looked down at her book and smiled, replying, “It’s really, really great to hear you say that, Mace. You deserve to be happy once and a while…”

That wasn’t it. I knew deep down I didn’t deserve happiness. I knew I didn’t deserve Alex, but it did feel good to not have to… Worry? No… Think about what I was doing. Alex was so easy to be around, and I knew I could count on him. I felt weightless because of that. I felt like, for once, I could relax just a bit.

But there was still that nagging thought in the back of my head. That pesky thought that, at the same time, made me not trust Alex. How could I trust anyone after all I had seen? Men were pigs and liars, and I couldn’t help but think that Alex would end up screwing me over in the same way. After all, he must’ve had to play the game more than a couple times in his life. He had to have broken hearts because of his band…

I gulped nervously as that realization came into fruition. Alex had most likely been with so many other girls after me, and not that I was anymore of a saint, it still made me feel uncomfortable…

“What?” Val asked, her eyes wary.

I shook my head and replied, “Nothing… I just…”

“Don’t you doubt him!” Val exclaimed, throwing her book on the coffee table. It wasn’t hard to figure out what I was worried about, so I wasn’t all that surprised when she continued, “Don’t you fucking dare turn this around. You know you can trust him, Mace. Don’t make him the bad guy before he has any chance to prove himself.”

“I know…” I sighed. “I just have a lot to sort out before I can invest myself so fully in this… It just scares me, you know?”

I got up off of the couch and headed towards the kitchen. I wasn’t in the mood to talk anymore. I poured myself a glass of water and started toward my bedroom. Before I could open my door, the front door swung open and Paul stepped into the living room, increasing my heartbeat tenfold.

“When were you going to tell me you were dating Alex?” he asked, trying to keep calm.

I stopped in my tracks and turned slowly around, unable to form a coherent sentence. “I… I was going to… I mean, we’re not dating, I just…”

“You just what?” he snapped. “You were just waiting until he’d break your heart and then you’d come running to me?”

My eyebrows furrowed in surprise, and anxiety inflated my chest like a giant birthday balloon. “Paul, stop… You don’t need to talk to me like that…”

“Mace, how come you didn’t tell me,” he said in defeat, sitting down on the couch.

I shook my head and exclaimed, “Paul, I didn’t know he was going to come here today! We aren’t… We aren’t dating. I don’t know exactly what we’re doing…”

“You were kissing him…” he said, rubbing his temples.

“So? Okay, yeah… We’re ‘together’, but I’m not quite sure what ‘together’ is yet, so I didn’t want to say anything!”

“You could’ve told me you were at least talking to him like that!” he said slowly, angrily.

At this point, my head felt like it was going to explode. Why was he so angry? Why did he care so much that he felt the need to freak out?

“Paul, what the hell? Why does this concern you so much?”

Paul laughed dryly, a sarcastic laugh that hurt me before he even said the words I was predicting.

“Because you’re the one who falls apart at the drop of a hat,” he replied angrily. He got up and continued, “You’re the one who I have to watch over every five seconds because I’m scared you’ll start cutting yourself again, doing drugs, or starving yourself until you die. You’re the one who needs to be looked after like a child because you make insanely stupid decisions like this one, and sometimes I get sick of it.”

I stood there in disbelief, unable to process anything that Paul had said. All I knew was that it hurt and I felt like punching him and crying uncontrollably all at the same time. I heard Val gasp slightly and mutter, “Paul… What is wrong with you” and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Well, then don’t worry about it,” I said quietly, the dam within my chest about to burst.

The tears began to fall and I turned slowly and opened my bedroom door. I slammed the door shut with all of my might, making the wall and all of the things on my shelves vibrate.

I put the glass of water on my dresser and then slowly crossed to the bed, my face frozen in a surprised and utterly upset look. I fell on my bed and began sobbing uncontrollably, heaving as if I were going to die.

This was a stupid mistake. Paul was right. He knew I’d have to be looked after, because I do make mistakes that ruin my life. I am a five-year-old, and my own brother had just confirmed it.

My phone vibrated against my palm and I glanced down through tear-filled eyes, straining to the see the name on the screen. My body heaved with new sobs when I saw that it was Alex, and I threw the phone as hard as I could against my hardwood floor.