All We've Ever Known

“Alright, you gotta tell me how you guys got back together,” Rian said with a smile as he dug into his pasta-covered plate.

His choice of Olive Garden was clearly only for his benefit, since he got the biggest dish out of the four of us (and seemed to be the most excited…). I ordered a pasta dish as well, but it wasn’t nearly as large as Rian’s. Both Macy and Cassadee opted for salads, but Macy removed the usual garnishes she wasn’t comfortable eating, which earned some concerned looks on my part. I didn’t like that she still felt uncomfortable eating simple things like grates of cheese…

I shrugged and replied, “There’s not really much to it – we just got back together, and that’s that!”

The intruding memory of the afternoon entered my mind and I couldn’t help but remember the way Macy had snapped so angrily at me. I suppose that was what she meant when she said she still had “episodes”, and I decided to take the conflict as a learning lesson. If Macy was going to be irrational like that often, at least I knew I could handle it.

“Well, that’s boring…” Rian muttered, shoving another large forkful of pasta in his mouth. Cassadee laughed as she wiped away the sauce that was spilling from the corner of his mouth.

I couldn’t help but not like the idea of Rian and Cassadee’s relationship. Though it probably felt completely natural to them, it was still strange for an outsider to see, especially an outsider who had grown so accustomed to him and Kara. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Cassadee – on the contrary, I thought she was a really lovely individual – it was just that she hadn’t “paid her dues” when it came to the tight-knit friend group that she was now forced to enter. I felt a bit bad for her in a way, since it would take quite a while for everyone to love her as much as my band did.

“So, Macy,” Cassadee said after she placed her napkin back on her lap, “What were these crazy guys like in high school?”

Macy laughed and replied, “Not that much different! Still just as weird and insane as they are now!”

Cassadee nodded emphatically and Macy added, “They’ve always just been really fun and crazy – nothing’s really changed!”

Cassadee smiled and said, “What about their first tour? Like, the big one, ya know? They must have been out of their minds!”

I cringed slightly, feeling a bit bad for Macy. She hadn’t been there when our band took off, and it probably made her extremely uncomfortable and sad to be asked such a question.

“Uhm… You know, I moved away by the time that came along, so I can’t really say… But I’m sure they were crazy partiers like they’ve always been!”

Macy answered the question with ease, and I had to keep reminding myself that she could fully handle herself when it came to her presentation to other people. Macy was never one to show any sign of weakness in the presence of people she wasn’t used to, so it was no surprise she was able to mask her emotions so well.

To save her some heartache, I responded, “Well, you went out with us when we drove down the east coast with my dad! You remember the shit we got into...”

Rian snorted, at the memory I assumed, and said, “That was the best, man… Those shows were some of the best shows I think we’ve ever played.”

Again with the heartache. Macy had never actually seen us play until the most recent time at the Merriweather Post Pavillion. Large crowds and concerts always made her extremely anxious, so she tended to avoid them at all costs. She would either go on walks during our high school shows or just stay in the van.

“Well, from what I’ve seen, that show in DC was mighty impressive,” she said with a smile. “I really loved it.”

I smiled and squeezed her knee under the table. I felt her kick my shin moments later and I could see the corner of her mouth threatening to pull up into a smile as she stabbed a piece of lettuce with her fork.

The rest of the dinner was lighthearted and enjoyable, and afterwards we all decided to go to a local bar that Rian and I were big fans of. Everyone except Macy had a couple of drinks.

Although Macy didn’t drink, she still was as funny and lighthearted as everyone else, and was able to keep up with everyone’s personalities as we got slightly inebriated. I was no where near drunk by the time we left much later that night, but I did feel slightly buzzed. Rian and Cassadee went up to his room and went to sleep, or what I assumed to be sleep, since I didn’t hear a single noise from his room the rest of the night.

“Why don’t you… Why don’t you stay over?” I asked uneasily, scratching the back of my neck. “It’s really late, and I’m slightly under the influence.” I laughed uneasily at the last part, hoping she’d sense the sincerity in my voice.

It was a pathetic excuse, but I really didn’t want her leaving. I wanted her to stay with me forever and never leave my side. Her uncomfortable shift in position by the front door told me she disagreed.

“Alex, I-“

“Before you say no,” I said quickly, “I have an extra shirt and a pair of shorts for you to sleep in, and I can pinky promise to make you whatever you want for breakfast. You can sleep in my bed and I’ll sleep on the couch, if you want!”

“No…” Macy said, approaching me and wrapping her arms around me. “Sleep in your bed! I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Or… We can both sleep in my bed!” I said happily. I suddenly realized how that sounded and quickly added, “You know… Sleep… Like totally unconscious.”

I squeezed my eyes shut in annoyance, reveling in my stupidity. She was definitely going to say no now that I made such an idiot of myself… I didn’t mean for it to come out sexual, but I suppose there really was virtually no other way she could interpret that sentence.

Macy breathed a laugh and rolled her eyes, saying, “That sounds nice.”

I sighed in relief and peeled her away from me, putting my hands on her shoulders. I was always taken aback by her beautiful, icy eyes that seemed to pierce right through me. Her dark hair made her eyes stand out even more, and the dark lashes that framed her eyes only made them that much more intense. She was such a gorgeous being, and I was in awe that she was mine.

I leaned down and kissed her, gently at first. As the kiss wore on though, it became more passionate, and I walked into her, ultimately forcing her to back up until her back was against the doorway leading up the steps. I put my hands on either side of her face and deepened the kiss even more, allowing her sweet smelling perfume to envelope my senses. Her hands gripped my forearms tightly, but in an uneasy manner, rather than an eager one.

She pulled away once I grabbed the small of her back and pushed her closer to me. She smiled sheepishly down at the floor and cleared her throat, saying, “I… Uhm, I think I’m ready to go to sleep now.”

“Right…” I muttered, backing away from her. “I’ll, uh- I’ll get you those pajamas. And I’ll find you an extra toothbrush you can use.”

She nodded and turned slowly towards the couch. Before sitting down she quickly asked, “Do you think I could borrow your phone? I should probably call Val… She’s probably really worried.”

“Yeah! Definitely!” I said, retrieving my phone from my back pocket and handing it to her. She thanked me and sat down on the couch, dialing Val’s number.

I nodded and climbed the steps up to my bedroom. I dug through my drawer and found an old Foo Fighters t-shirt that actually belonged to Macy back in high school.

Macy was always a huge Foo fan, since freshman year. She was so influenced by them that anything that came out of her CD player speakers was always a Foo Fighters song. She knew every lyric to practically every song, and I would be damned if they didn’t save her life more than a couple of times.

Macy’s connection with music was one that I never thought I’d ever experience. Music was her therapy, and when all else had failed her, she still had a melody to sing her to sleep every night. She invested herself so fully in her pile of records in her room and her stacks of CDs that I always felt like her love for music would always come before her love for anything else.

I smiled as I neatly folded the t-shirt and grabbed a pair of the smallest shorts I owned (which happened to be an old pair of All Time Low booty shorts). I placed them on the bed and then went out to the bathroom to search for a spare toothbrush. While I sifted through a box in the bathroom closet, Macy appeared behind me, holding up the booty shorts I had laid out for her.

“Really?” she laughed, raising an eyebrow.

I glanced down at the box I was holding and laughed, replying, “They were the smallest pair I had! You’d be swimming in all of my other shorts!”

She shook her head and laughed, unfolding the t-shirt and holding it up. “I really can’t believe you still have this old thing…”

“Of course I do! You were the one who I got me into them, you know.”

She smiled and reached up to kiss me. Once she pulled away I dug through the box once more and found a toothbrush.

“Aha! Here you go,” I said, handing it to her.

She thanked me and then ordered me to leave the bathroom to change. I decided to get into pajamas as well, and once I was done, she emerged from the bathroom in the huge t-shirt and tiny shorts (which fit her very loosely) I had provided her.

“Well, look you at you,” I laughed, enveloping her in a hug. “I have to go brush my teeth real quick.”

Once I returned, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a picture that I kept on my nightstand. It was a picture of our large group of friends when we had all gone to Hawaii the year before. Of course, I just so happened to be standing with Lisa, and I hoped that she didn’t notice, though she probably already did.

“God, everyone looks exactly the same…” she whispered, tracing the faces of some of her closest friends whom she had fallen out of touch with. “I really miss them…”

I sat on the bed beside her and said, “Well, now you have plenty of time to have fun with everyone again.”

She shook her head and replied sadly, “I feel like they don’t like me anymore.”

“Macy Lynn…” I sighed. “They love you! They just haven’t seen you in so long! I’m sure a lot of them were just as shocked as I was to see you at that party in March… Give them some time.”

She nodded and got up to put the picture back. I pulled back the comforter down and motioned for her to get underneath it. I pulled the covers up to her chin and kissed her on her forehead, proceeding to climb over her until I reached my side.

“You’re acting like my mom,” she laughed, turning to face me.

“Well, I for one feel like this is some weird sleep over,” I said, also laughing. “But, speaking of moms, do you know who would really like to see you again?”

Macy raised an eyebrow, which I took as her prompting me to continue. “My mom.”

Macy’s eyes widened, and after my words fully sunk in, she smiled slightly.

“She wants to see me again?” she asked.

“Yeah, I went out to lunch with my parents a couple days ago and they asked about you.”

She looked off at the wall, thinking intently about something. After a couple moments to herself, she said, “I really miss them… I really miss them a lot.”

“They miss you too, Mace… My mom has asked about you constantly over the years…”

“Because I ran away and probably upset her…”

I shrugged and replied, “Well, yeah! But it’s nothing to feel bad over! You’re back now, so you can visit them whenever you’re ready to.”

Macy nodded and turned on her side, and I got a feeling that I had upset her. I thought she’d be happy to hear that my mom missed her so much – after all, Macy was always closer to my mother than her own – which is the reason she always called her Mom.

I pushed myself closer to her and wrapped my arm around her small body, hugging her tightly.

“I love you, Macy Lynn. Don’t be upset, okay? Have a good night’s sleep and we’ll do something fun tomorrow,” I whispered into her ear. She nodded in response.

After a couple moments of silence, in which my eyes drooped from exhaustion, she said, “Can we see my old house tomorrow?”

“Of course,” I replied tiredly, stifling a yawn. She yawned in response too, and we both fell silent.

In the stillness of the room, I could hear her sigh softly. She shifted a bit so her back was tightly nestled into my body and then whispered, “Goodnight, Alex.”