All We've Ever Known

“It’s crazy to think how different things were back in high school…” Macy mumbled as I took her hand and led her back to the car. She had stood in front of her old house for a good fifteen minutes straight, not saying a word. I didn’t interrupt her, since I knew she needed time for whatever she was mulling over. She seemed much quieter as we got into the car and put our seatbelts on.

“I know,” I replied, pulling away from the curb. “I kind of miss the old days…”

“I don’t…” she said quietly, looking out the window at the passing houses. “I mean, I miss certain times, but I don’t miss being that age anymore.”

“Why not?” I asked.

She shrugged and replied, “Life was really shitty back then… At least now I’m happier and I have a more stable head on my shoulders.”

I nodded in response. If I were Macy, I wouldn’t miss being a teenager, either. Things were really shitty for her, and it was something that had made me feel so helpless. I tended to always skip over the bad times in my mind, simply because all I wanted to remember were the good ones and how happy I was during those moments. However, every now and then I’d remember the reality of my high school days and how stressful they were. I’d never admit it to Macy, but she did cause me a lot of anxiety. It was always nerve wracking going back to my house after spending a day of bringing her down from one of her episodes. I’d never know if I would get to see her the next day – I feared I would get a call the next morning saying something terrible had happened. I never had the heart to break it off with her though until she really took a turn for the worse. I loved her more than anything, and it took a lot to finally decide that I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

“Can I ask you a question?” I said, looking over at her briefly. She smiled slightly and nodded.

“Did you ever think we were in love in that stupid kind of way back in high school? You know, that ‘love’ that middle schoolers are in for like, two weeks?”

Macy smiled again and settled into her seat, something that I was now taking note of – she always rubbed the back of her shoulders against the seat, as if she was trying to bury herself in it.

“No, I don’t think so,” she replied quietly. “I’d say three years together in high school was way more than that kind of love.”

“So you don’t think we were too young to understand it?”

She shrugged and replied, “I have no idea, to be honest with you… I’ve – I’ve really only loved one person, so I have no clue.”

I looked over at her, her fingers nervously tearing away at her cuticles. I sighed and grabbed her hand, kissing the scars that I was growing to love so much.

“You didn’t love Freddy?” I asked hesitantly. It was an extremely risky question, since I wasn’t sure how she’d react to it. I was still getting used to the things that set her off, and I still couldn’t tell what made her upset. Maybe it was just because I was a guy – I have no idea, but I had a feeling I’d never figure her out.

“I- No, not at all…” she replied, glancing back out the window. “I can’t even call what we had a relationship.”

“What happened with you guys? If you don’t mind me asking…”

She sighed and said, “Nothing, really. I needed something he had, and he took advantage of that. We were never a couple – just two people who were really messed up. I never loved him. Not even close…”

“So, you’ve only been in love with me?” I asked quietly, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb.

She looked down at our intertwined fingers and her eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah… And that scares me.”

I looked over at her, my own eyebrows furrowing as well, and asked, “Why? Why would that scare you?”

“I don’t know, Alex!” she said, shaking her head. She was getting exasperated, and I wasn’t sure if I should press any further. “I’ve only known love with one person, and like you said – it was in high school! I don’t know what real adult love is like… I don’t know what living in a house with someone while having a real job and having fucking dogs is like at all – that’s never happened to me! How am I supposed to know that this is all real?”

“Okay, first of all… Just because I lived with Lisa and I have a dog with her did not make our relationship ‘adult’… That was just how everything turned out. To be honest, I don’t think our relationship was that mature in the first place – otherwise we wouldn’t have had so many problems. And second of all, does this feel like how it did in high school?”

I asked the last question while motioning to our hands. She thought carefully as she stared at something on the dashboard.

“It feels like more than that…” she finally replied quietly.

I smiled and said, “Well, there you go. That’s how you know!”

Macy sighed and looked down at our hands. She reached over and put her other hand on my arm, goose bumps erupting over my skin. I could feel my cheeks reddening as she looked over at me and smiled. It was stupid to have such a reaction to her touch, but Macy always made me feel things tenfold and it seemed to be worse now that we were older.

“So where are we going now?” she asked, trying to perk up.

I smiled and said, “Well, I want to wait until nighttime to take you to the place I wanted to show you… For now though, I thought we could go out to lunch with my favorite lady on the planet.”

She looked over at me, slight fear in her eyes. I had to laugh, since Macy always jumped to conclusions. I couldn’t even imagine who she thought this “lady” to be, but I’m sure it was far from what I meant.

“My mom,” I clarified. The realization came to her instantly and she exhaled, nodding.

“Your mom…” she mumbled, staring out at the road ahead of us. “Okay… Where are we going then?”

I shrugged and said, “Some Mexican restaurant, I think… She said she was in Fed Hill for a doctor’s appointment, so she suggested I meet her there – it’s a new joint apparently… I’ve never been there.”

I glanced over at her to make sure she was on board, and the slightly quizzical look on her face told me otherwise. I wasn’t sure if it was about the food, or if it was because of my mom… We had eaten Mexican food before, and she seemed to enjoy it… I mean, it had been her favorite type of cuisine when she was a kid, so I was assuming it still was – she hadn’t told me otherwise when we ate it when I visited her only a month prior.

“Do you mind? I mean, we don’t have to go… My mom said they have really great quesadillas there, so… I mean, you know I can’t turn down quesadillas…”

Macy laughed and replied, “Alex, why do you always ask me if everything’s alright? Of course I’m perfectly fine going there!”

“I don’t know! You looked nervous or something!”

“No, I was actually just wondering if your mom knew I was coming…”

I laughed uneasily and answered, “Well, see, I thought it would be better if it was a surprise, you know? My dad’s been gone for a couple of days to go to his old buddy’s funeral back in England, so she’s been a little lonely. I thought by her seeing you, it would cheer her right up!”

“Okay…” Macy replied slowly. She seemed uneasy herself about all of this, and I didn’t blame her – it had been years since she had seen my mom. But I was sure that my mom would love to see Macy, so I didn’t really worry too much.

When we arrived at the restaurant, I hastily grabbed Macy’s hand, causing her to laugh. I couldn’t wait for her and my mom to reunite again, since it had been so long. I knew my mom would get emotional, and I hoped it was just what Macy needed to feel at least somewhat like her old self.

I led her through the front doors, relieved to be in the air-conditioning. I told the hostess who I was looking for, and the woman directed me to a table towards the back. I nodded and pulled Macy through the restaurant. I approached my mom from behind and looked to Macy, motioning for her to stay quiet.

“Hey, Mom!” I said happily, scaring the crap out of her. She whirled around and gasped, her eyes widening out of instinct.

“Alex, are you trying to k-“ she started to say, but she was quickly interrupted once her eyes fell upon the dark-haired girl beside me. She seemed speechless and just stared for what seemed like forever.

“I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to introduce you to my new girlfriend that I’ve been mysteriously talking about, Macy,” I smiled. “Macy, you know Mom.”

“Macy…” my mom finally said. She got up from the table and enveloped her in a large hug, unable to let to go. I let go of Macy’s hand and let her wrap her arms around my mom. She was smiling as widely as my mom swayed from side to side.

“I can’t believe you’re here…” my mom said once she pulled away. “You look so beautiful! It’s been way too long…”

“I know…” Macy laughed.

My mom smiled once more and said, “Well, this is the best surprise I’ve had in quite some time… I just… Wow, I can’t believe you’re standing in front of me right now…”

Tears began to well up in her eyes, and I smiled and shook my head. My mom rarely got emotional, but I knew seeing Macy would be too much for her.

“I’m sorry…” she laughed, waving her hand. “I can’t help it! I’ve missed you, and this was such a shocker… Let’s just sit down.”

I looked to Macy, who also had slight tears in her eyes, and smiled. I sat down beside her, my mom on the opposite side of us.

“He’s such a sneaky bastard…” my mom laughed. “He’d been talking about this girl formonths, but he never mentioned who she was… I had no idea it was you all along! Oh! I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am you two are together again… I’m absolutely speechless!”

Macy smiled down at her hands and said, “Yeah, well, I’m pretty speechless myself. I never thought this would ever happen!”

“Well, I’m extremely pleased!” my mom said happily, picking up her menu and glancing at it.

“I don’t even need to look at that thing,” I laughed, pointing to the list of entrees. “You said the word ‘quesadillas’, and that’s what I’m gettin’! Mace, do you want to share a plate with me? I know it wasn’t long since the last time we ate…”

“Sure,” she replied with a smile.

When the waiter came, we all ordered. Not too long after, he returned with our meals. My mom proceeded to ask Macy how her life was going, what she was doing for a living, where she was living, etc. Macy seemed totally at ease talking with my mom, so I was extremely thankful that it was all going well. I had been scared that Macy would feel out of place with my family, therefore she’d naturally exclude herself and stay quiet – with my mom though, it was the complete opposite. She happily asked questions about the family and where everyone was – I was surprised that she remembered my family members names, since it had been so long since she had seen them.

I had met Macy when I was nine – we met at a silly drama club our library held every summer. We instantly clicked and became really close friends, demanding our moms to allow us to have play dates together and be together as much as possible. Our friendship became incredibly strong by the time fifth grade rolled around, and that was when I started bringing her over to England whenever we decided to take a trip to see family. She had gotten to know my family extremely well and became close friends with my cousins that were my age, since she had essentially grown up with everyone the same way I had. Macy was always up for trips with my family when she was young, but as she got older and deeper into her problems, she started declining the invitation and then stopped going with us altogether.

“I wish Dad could be here…” Mom said sadly, reaching across the table and grabbing Macy’s hand. “I assure you he would’ve loved to see you! I can’t wait to tell him the news! Actually… If you come back in a couple of days, you guys can tell him yourselves!”

I looked to Macy who seemed to be all for the idea and said, “Yeah, that sounds great! We’ll definitely come back. Does Wednesday sound good?”

“I, uh- I have work on Wednesday…” Macy said quietly. She looked nervously at me, and I could tell she felt bad for ruining the plans.

“You get off at 4:30 normally, right?” I asked. She nodded in response. “Okay then, why don’t we do dinner then?”

“That sounds good!” my mom said happily.

“Yeah, dinner sounds nice,” Macy said, reaching for my hand and lacing her tiny fingers with mine.

“Do you two have any plans for tonight?” my mom asked, reaching in her purse to pay for the bill that had arrived.

“Mom, stop it – I got this,” I said, taking my wallet and glancing at the bill. I got the appropriate amount of money out, being sure to pay with exact change. I didn’t want to use my credit card since I had to be careful – I was close to not being able to pay my credit card bill off and I had to keep it at a minimum until the next time I got paid.

“Alex…” my mom huffed as she shoved her wallet back in her purse. “You know how I feel about that.”

“You lost your ability to pay for your grown son a long time ago… Plus, what kind of person would I be if I made my mom pay when I’m perfectly capable of paying myself?”

My mom smiled and thanked me and then repeated her question from earlier about mine and Macy’s plans for the evening.

“I’m going to take her somewhere that’s a secret!” I said, squeezing Macy’s hand. “I can’t give anything away! Even though it’s really nothing special…”

“Alright, well you guys have fun then! Macy, it was absolutely wonderful seeing you again – visit as many times as possible, okay? I could never get sick of you!”

Macy laughed and replied, “I surely will – you can count on that!” and we all got up from the table. My mom enveloped Macy in another hug and then moved to me.

“Bye, Mom,” I smiled as I hugged her tightly.

“You take care of her,” my mom whispered in my ear. She pulled away and kissed me on the cheek.

“Okay, guys! I’ll see you on Wednesday then, alright?” she said, walking away. She waved one last time before exiting the restaurant. I quickly threw a tip on the table and then turned to Macy.

“You ready to go?” I asked, holding out my hand. She gently grabbed it and nodded, allowing me to lead us out of the restaurant.

“I missed her so much…” Macy muttered once we were in the car. “She’s such a lovely woman!”

“Indeed, she is,” I laughed. “I told you she’d be excited to see you!”

Macy looked over at me and smiled, her bright blue eyes sparkling in the afternoon sunlight. I leaned over and kissed her, feeling her mouth curl into another smile.

“See, I told you we could do this!” I said, motioning to our intertwined fingers.

Macy sighed happily, but the smile on her face quickly disappeared as she said, “Yeah, but what happens when you start touring?”

My chest felt like it had been hit with a ton of bricks at that statement, and it took a lot not to the show the anxiety I suddenly felt. I hadn’t thought about that at all since we had briefly talked about it by the lake the day prior. I guess I had completely blocked it from my consciousness, and now I wasn’t sure if I could deal with being away from her now that our relationship was so new.

“Everything’s going to be the same!” I lied. I had no idea what our relationship would be like once I started touring again. I was going to leave her at the end of the month, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to do that.

“Alex, can you promise me that we’ll be okay?” she asked nervously. Her eyes were filled with fear, and I felt instantly terrible.

I couldn’t promise her anything, and that scared me. I would do my very, very best to make things easy for us, but there was no way I could promise Macy that things would always be like the way they were at that moment. Once tour started, I knew I would be away for a long time without her, and I did stupid things when put in situations like that… I fucked over Lisa so bad because of touring, and I was petrified I’d do the same to Macy…

But I knew deep down things would be okay. Just because Macy and I would be apart did not mean I couldn’t remain faithful to her. I loved her, and I knew it wasn’t just a stupid love to get me through being at home. She was a keeper, and I knew I was stronger than that.

“Macy, I told you I was in this for the long-run, remember? That hasn’t changed in a fucking day! Things are going to be great for us, okay?” I said, kissing her knuckles as I pulled into my driveway.

She nodded and released my hand, getting out of the car. We walked up to the house, and before I opened the door, I leaned in and kissed her passionately, her back pressed up against the windows of my front door. I only opened my eyes when I saw movement behind the door, and my heart immediately shot up into my throat at the prospect of an intruder being in my home.

“What?” Macy mumbled against my lips when she sensed my discomfort.

My eyes desperately searched through the windows, and I was scared shitless when Jack jumped back in front of the door, motioning with his fingers that our PDA was making him puke. I laughed in response and lightly clutched my chest as I came back to reality.

“Fucking idiot…” I muttered as I pushed open the door and pulled Macy inside.