All We've Ever Known

“It just went so well!” I exclaimed as I took a seat on the couch between Rian and Zack. “All of our dates are great, she’s still as close as ever with my parents, and I’m just relieved she’s fucking happy for once… I’ve never felt more free in a relationship in my life!”

It had been a week prior that Macy made a trip down to Maryland to have dinner with my parents and me. It was the first time in an incredibly long time that I had witnessed my father tear up, which, in turn, made me tear up as well… It was such an insane phenomenon seeing Macy so happy, and I was grateful that she basically did it all on her own. She made herself happy and I was just a lucky companion who got to witness the outcome. I couldn’t have been more proud of someone.

“You got lucky, man…” Vinny laughed, taking a long drink of his beer. “She’s so… Unpredictable.”

“But… She really isn’t,” I retorted. “You just… You need to know what gets her and what doesn’t… Once you’ve got the basics down, well, you’re good to go!”

He raised an eyebrow and questioned, “And you know what gets her?”

“I’ll admit… Not everything. But enough to have more happy moments than bad!”

“Are you gonna bone her?” Jack asked, a mocking edge to his voice. I turned and glared at him, causing his expression to go from amused, to slightly scared.

“Don’t ever ask me that again,” I snapped tersely.

I didn’t like the idea of talking about it like it was nothing. If I was going to sleep with Macy, it was going to be way more than “nothing”, way more than just “boning” someone. Macy was classier than that, and I wasn’t going to have my best friends talk about it like it was just some sick, pointless action. I was sick of “boning” people, and now that Macy was in my life, I felt I never had to worry about going back to that. Or so I was trying to convince myself.

“But seriously… Have you even thought about it?” Rian asked carefully, trying not to trigger my anger.

I sighed and said, “I’m just trying to give her time… I’ve tried to block out all that just so I wouldn’t rush her… She’s fragile.”

I tried to ignore any thoughts of Macy and I sleeping together simply because I knew it would drive me to something stupid. If I was ever extremely tempted, I would accidentally pressure her, and I knew that was the last thing Macy needed to feel comfortable in our relationship. Besides, it was only a couple weeks into actually being “together”, and I was not at all planning to take it that far any time soon.

“What are you going to do when you go on tour, though?” Vinny asked, getting up to grab another beer.

I shook my head and replied, “I don’t know… I’ve been thinking about that so much. We leave for Warped in two weeks, and to be honest… I’m a little scared.”

“Aw, Alex is scared?!” Jack laughed, pinching my cheek. I slapped his hand away and scowled at him, my patience with the dark-haired boy wearing thin.

“Seriously though, we’ll make sure you don’t do anything stupid,” Zack said.

“Yeah, right! How about stopping me when I slept with that blonde chick the last tour?! You just sat back and laughed your ass off!” I shot back.

“Well, you really had nothing to lose – so why stop you?!” he defended with a laugh.

“You guys are you ridiculous,” I mumbled, getting up and walking to the kitchen.

The thing that always scared me about touring and relationships was the alcohol that was always involved. I could handle myself more than okay when I was completely sober, but once I was drunk, my judgement was completely and utterly off when it came to morals and girls. I never knew how to control myself, and I did not want to make that same mistake with Macy. I could just… Avoid the alcohol, I suppose… But that’s near impossible when all your friends are drunk and you’re the only sober person. That’s never fun.

“You know, why don’t you just invite her on tour for a couple of days? Ask her to come so that you can get your priorities straight!” Rian asked. I grabbed a beer and walked back to the living room, taking back my seat on the couch.

“I don’t think she’ll go for it…” I doubted.

“Why not? There’s no reason not to spend a few harmless days with your boyfriend…” he laughed.

“Can you imagine Macy at Warped Tour?! She’ll have a panic attack and die, or something…” I muttered.

“You don’t know that, Alex… Just ask her – there’s no harm in that. She’s a big girl now, you know… I’m sure she can handle herself just fine.”

Rian was right… Macy was indeed a big girl, and that was something I was still trying to get used to. Macy was such a pro at disguising anything for the sake of presentation, and even if anything was ever bothering her, she wasn’t nearly as bad about it as she used to be. If Macy did come out for a week, it would definitely help ease my nerves. It would also make me feel less sick about leaving her in the first place… But if something did go wrong, she would have me to blame, since it would be my idea. Well, Rian’s technically, but I would be the one that suggested it. I didn’t want to drag her somewhere far away from her home just so she could be miserable.

The doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts, and Rian got up and walked slowly to the door. Although I couldn’t see her, I could recognize the visiter’s voice in a second, and my heartbeat increased.

“Hey, Baz!” Rian exclaimed, grabbing the excited canine and bringing him into the living room. He let him down and Baz immediately ran to me, jumping on my lap and licking my face feverishly.

“Uhm… Lisa wants to talk to you,” Rian said, scratching the back of his neck.

Go figure. She had been texting me for a week straight saying she needed to talk to me, but I kept blowing her off for the sole reason of not wanting to see her anymore. She made me nervous - and not in the good way.

I got up and walked outside on the porch. She looked wary as I approached her, and I couldn’t help but notice the change in her demeanor. She seemed… Weakened, like she was withering away. She still had that ever-present sparkle in her brilliantly green eyes, but… There was something missing.

“Hey…” she said softly as I finally walked up to her.

“Hi… What, uh- What did you want to talk to me about?”

She looked down and stayed silent for a moment. I could see her eyes welling up with tears, but she held them back, trying hard to appear strong.

“Alex, I’ve been in love with you since sophomore year. I never thought I ever had a chance in hell with you because you and Macy were so solid… And when you guys broke up and you turned to me, well… I was so stupid in thinking it could last. I knew I was just a rebound, and yet I allowed myself to fall so hard for you anyway. I’ll never forgive myself for that…”

Tears streamed down her face now, and I felt instantly guilty. I wanted to hug her, but I knew that would be insanely awkward, so I refrained from even moving a muscle.

“I thought…” she continued. “I thought that somehow, we could work out and you could actually be happy with me, but clearly… Clearly that’s not at all possible. I just want to know… Are you happy with her?”

“Lis…” I sighed, not sure how to respond.

She shut her eyes and her eyebrows furrowed. “Please, Alex – are you happy with her?”

I looked down at my socked feet and responded, “Yeah… I am. But Lisa, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy with you. I don’t know why you keep thinking that it was your mission to please me, because you always made me happy! I just… I don’t know! Something about our relationship didn’t make sense to me! Just because I started dating you after I broke up with Macy, doesn’t mean I never loved you or cared about you. I was crazy about you, Lis!”

“You always cheated on me,” she said, a single sob erupting from her throat. She put her hand to her mouth, trying to compose herself. “I always felt like you wanted something more – something I couldn’t provide. Tell me what that was, Alex? Because I’d like to know what I did so horribly wrong that made you not want me anymore.”

“You did nothing, Lisa!” I exclaimed. Her eyes widened at my outburst and I sighed continuing, “Lis, please… I don’t want you thinking this is all so deeply personal – I never meant to hurt you like that. You did nothing wrong, and I am so, so sorry I did what I did to you. It makes me feel so guilty every day that I treated you the way I did… It’s not right, and I’m so fucking sorry. Please don’t blame yourself… Be happy – move on! You’re always so positive, and it’s really terrible seeing you this broken…”

More tears welled up in her eyes, and she turned away, hiding her face. I wrapped my arms around her small frame and hugged her tightly, feeling her break apart in my arms. She started to sob, her whole body shaking in pure sadness. Tears welled up in my own eyes, but I kept them at bay. I didn’t want to get emotional over something I shouldn’t want anymore… I just felt incredibly terrible for putting Lisa through all the shit I did.

“Lisa, please stop…” I said soothingly, rubbing her back. “Please… I don’t want you to be this unhappy – that was never, ever my intention. I never wanted to ruin what we had.”

She pulled away and wiped the tears that were still cascading down her face. Her eyes were incredibly puffy and bloodshot, as well as the majority of her face.

“I don’t want to lose you for good…” she finally whispered through gasps of breath. She was hysterical by now, and it was impossible for her to get a full breath in without instinctively drawing it back in.

“Then it doesn’t have to be like that… We’ll always have the same friends and the same functions to go to, so why do we have to be apart? Lisa, I’ll always be here, I’m just sorry it’s not the way you want it…”

She shook her head, replying, “No… Don’t be sorry… I get it. I’m sorry that I look like a fool right now… I just… I needed to tell you all that.”

I leaned in and hugged her once more, breathing in the scent of her raspberry shampoo. “I love you, Lis. I always will…”

She nodded her head solemnly and pulled away, turning to leave. I sighed as I watched her get into her car and drive off, an emptiness spreading throughout my chest. I turned and entered the house.

I did still love her, but not in the way you passionately love the person you’re with. Lisa was an incredible human being, and I really admired her for that. I admired her strength to come to my house and tell me the truth. She wasn’t angry, she wasn’t resentful – just sad. Most girls would hold it in and do something vengeful, but Lisa… Lisa was above that, and for that reason, I’d always love and appreciate her. She’d always be one of my closest friends, even if we did have such an extensive history.

“What did she want?” Jack asked, flipping through the channels on the TV.

I shook my head and responded, “She just… Needed to tie up some loose ends, I guess.”

“So are you going to ask Macy to come, or what?” Vinny questioned as he searched through my video games.

“Right… I forgot about that…”

I walked up to my bedroom so I get some privacy and dialed Macy’s number. I wanted to talk to her now more than ever, and I prayed that she would pick up.

“Hey!” she chirped on the other line. I smiled to myself and lay down on my bed, feeling the familiar comfort settling into my chest.

“Hey, love… Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Nope! I just finished up on a kid’s teeth, so I’ve got like, fifteen minutes to spare. What’s up?”

“I just had a quick question… Hypothetically speaking, if you were to take a vacation, how many days can you take off?”

She laughed and replied suspiciously, “Well… I’m allowed two weeks, and I haven’t used a single one for as long as I’ve worked here.”

“Great! So… Now I’m speaking in real terms here – would you like to come with us for a week on Warped Tour?”

“Oh, really?! Are you sure? I really don’t want to intrude or anything…”

“Mace… I just invited you, clearly you’re not intruding… Just say yes?”

There was a short pause before she replied, “If you’re really sure about this, then… Sure, why not! When do you guys leave?”

“We head out on the eighteenth, but we don't play until the next day in New Jersey… You can just fly out with us for the first week, maybe?”

“Okay…” she said. “Well… I have some pretty big doctor’s appointments coming up, so… I can’t do the first week. Is the second open?”

“Macy Lynn, are you scheduling your time with me?” I asked incredulously. “I’m not important enough?”

“Shut up,” she laughed. “Of course you’re important, it’s just… These appointments are a big deal for me, so… I would rather not reschedule.”

“What on earth could these appointments be about?”

“I don’t want to say anything about them now… Just in case I get my hopes up or something.”

“Welp, as long as you can get off for at least some week, I really don’t care when it is!” I sighed.

“Thank you, thank you, Alex! I appreciate the gesture!”

I smiled and answered, “Don’t thank me, darling! It’s really not a problem at all, and I can’t tell you how much I want you to be there.”

“Well, I’m really excited!” she said with a hint of a smile. “I have to go right now, but I just have a quick question for you now!”

“Lay it on me!”

She sighed before saying, “I know this is kind of short notice, but… My brother is getting married this Saturday, and Val had reserved a seat next to mine at the table I'm sitting at for some guy she was planning on setting me up with.”

“Okay…” I said warily. “Where’s the question coming in here, because I’m getting nervous…”

She laughed and replied, “No, no! Don’t get nervous! Well, obviously I flat out refused to go with this guy, since I ended up finding you and blahblahblah, so I was wondering… Would you like to accompany me to the wedding?”

I smiled widely and answered, “You don’t even have to ask me! Of course!”

“Great! Again, I’m sorry it’s so last minute… Hopefully you have a nice suit and everything? It’s actually in Timonium, so you don’t have to worry about travel or anything.”

“Don’t you worry – I’ve got it all covered! Thanks for inviting me, dear. Tell Val and Paul I said thanks, too.”

“Surely!” she said excitedly. “Okay! Well, I should be getting back to work now, but I’ll call you later?”

“Yeah, okay… I love you.”

“Love you, too,” she replied, disconnecting the call right after.

I wiggled excitedly in my bed before jumping up and running back downstairs.

“She said ‘yes’!” I exclaimed.

“Wooo!” Jack shouted, rapidly pounding his chest.

“You sound like you just got engaged...” Rian laughed. “But I’m happy for you either way!”

“Shut up,” I laughed.