All We've Ever Known

I mindlessly entered my dental office and quickly walked into the reception area. I turned on my computer and set my things down beside my chair, looking around the office. Carol was nowhere to be found, and I was relieved. I wasn’t entirely in the mood to keep up a cheery conversation, especially one that would most likely entail the results of my dreaded doctor’s appointment.

The past week had been especially hard on my emotional strength for numerous reasons. I was missing my boyfriend tremendously, though I also felt the need to avoid him at the same time. After what had happened the week prior, I was sufficiently embarrassed of myself and my annoying emotional problems. I hadn’t seen him all week, and the idea of leaving to visit him in the afternoon made my stomach lurch in nervousness.

However, that wasn’t the only thing playing on my extreme anxiety. I had made a doctor’s appointment, mainly out of curiosity for some menstruation issues, and learned of my practically nonexistent chance of having kids. This hit me especially hard, since all of my life I had dreamed of having my own family. I always felt drawn to kids, and it was absolutely crushing to know that I would never understand what it felt like to have my own. It was even more crushing knowing that I had wasted my one chance already with my previous failed pregnancy.

I suffered moderate uterine damage when I was assaulted and was told at the time that it would affect my chances of ever conceiving. I brushed it off however, thinking that by the time I healed it would all blow over. I was dead wrong though, and I was incredibly stupid to have gotten my hopes so high.

I never took into account the damage that my eating disorder caused me, which was the reason I went to the doctor in the first place. Everything about my monthly cycles had been terribly awry for so long, so I finally took the initiative and made the appointment, only to be told that between my ovaries being practically dead and my uterus being a war zone there was such a small chance of me even conceiving, let alone a baby having the chance to grow.

I sighed and tied my hair back in a pony tail, trying to rid my mind of the week’s events. I had to get myself excited to see Alex, especially if it would be only six or so hours until I was on a plane to Georgia.

“Good morning, lovely,” Carol sang as she strode into the office, two coffees in hand.

“Good morning,” I replied solemnly. She reached out and handed me my coffee and I gratefully muttered a “thanks”.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

I shook my head and quickly answered, “Nothing! Nothing is wrong…”

“I don’t believe you,” she said, taking a seat and starting up her computer.

I shook my head and looked over the schedule for the day, saying, “Look, I’m not really in the mood to talk about it…”

“Well, okay…” she shrugged. “Are you at least excited to leave early?”

I was more than excited to leave early. However, I wasn’t really looking forward to going on a plane by myself… I hardly ever flew, so the prospect of being thousands of feet in the air, completely alone, made me want to vomit.

“Yeah, I am…” I sighed.

“I think you’ll have a good time,” she said reassuringly. “You seem really nervous about it, though.”

I laughed dryly and replied, “That’s because I am nervous about it…”

“But why?! You’re going off to spend a lovely week with your significant other – why would that make you nervous?”

“I don’t know! I’ve never been one to like concert environments… And I’ve just been… Nervous about a lot of things I know he won’t be happy about.”

“Will you please tell me what’s been bothering you?” Carol demanded, turning around in her chair and locking eyes with me. “I can’t keep playing the guessing game!”

Could I tell her? Could I possibly tell her what had been ruining my mood for the past week? Could I tell her how fucking terrified I was that Alex would leave me because there was no future for us? It hurt to even think about.

I looked down at my hands and replied, “I found out the other day that I can’t have kids…”

Carol looked stunned, and I turned back to my computer, feeling utterly embarrassed. Carol was a complete family woman and she treasured her kids more than life itself. I felt shameful, since I had ruined my body in the first place, therefore, making me the responsibility for that.

“How is that even possible?! You’re only twenty-one!” she exclaimed, her eyes never leaving me.

“Trust me,” I said quietly, “it’s possible… I don’t really want to get into it, though. I’m just… Scared to tell him. I don’t know how he’ll react.”

“Oh Macy, I’m sure he’ll take it well… Don’t jump to conclusions.”

I wasn’t jumping to conclusions, though. Alex had always talked about his future children, and it was obvious that someday he definitely wanted kids of his own. I felt guilty over the fact that I would never be able to provide that for him… Sure, if he did end up ever wanting to get married, we could always adopt, but… Who’s to say we’d make it that far anyway? For all I knew, he’d end it right then and there once I stepped foot off of that plane. I was beginning to think all that I was going through was karma for the baby I never met – the baby that was supposed to make me sane again, but never lived long enough to even try… And it was all my fault.

“Good morning, ladies,” Mark chirped as he donned his face mask. “You sent Shelley in already?”

Carol nodded and Dr. Beckman smiled, “I love Shelley, but I hate her mouth… It looks like a war zone every time I see her!”

Just like my entire fucking body, I thought bitterly.

Carol chuckled in response, but I stayed quiet. I wasn’t really in the mood to pretend like I actually found Mark’s jokes funny, because most of the time, they were far from it.

My phone buzzed against my desk, and I quickly grabbed it, glancing at the screen.

Alex:
I can’t wait to see you. :D Are you excited??

I sighed and quickly replied, Yes! T-minus five and half hours until I get to see your pretty face!

I had to pretend that I was happy to see him, because truthfully I was! I just had a looming terror over my head that never ceased to go away, and I tried to busy myself during the few hours I was at work. I hoped that those five and half hours would go much quicker than they actually did, but I found myself clocking out at 1:30 and saying my goodbyes to Carol and Dr. Beckman all too soon. My heart was beating rapidly as I drove home.

“Hello?” I called as I entered the apartment. It was a habit I had developed - calling out into my empty apartment - but it was more of a security measure, just to make sure that I had time to run in case anyone broke in to my apartment.

“Hey, Mace,” Paul said, emerging from the living room. “You ready to go?”

I shook my head and responded, “Just give me a minute… I need to change out of these.”

I motioned to my scrubs and then walked into my room, changing into jeans and a light t-shirt. I grabbed my already packed bag and carry-on and walked back to the living room. Paul was sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

“Why do you look like that?” he asked as he stood up.

“Look like what?”

“You look… Pained. Does something hurt?”

“No!” I replied quickly. “No… I’m just really fucking nervous.”

Paul laughed and grabbed my larger bag, walking out the front door. “Macy, you worry too much. You’ll be just fine…”

“I sure hope you’re right…” I muttered as I got into the car once we were outside.

By the time we reached the airport, I felt like I was going to croak at any moment. Paul walked me all the way up to security and hugged me tightly.

“I don’t want to go,” I sighed into his chest. The smell of his cologne was reassuring as I held onto him for my life – I feared that if I let go, I would collapse on the ground and never get back up.

“I swear you’ll have the time of your life…” Paul said soothingly, stroking my hair. “Stop worrying about Alex and all of that. I told you a hundred times that he’ll be cool about it!”

“Yeah, but how do you know that?” I asked, pulling away.

“When has he ever broken up with you over something like that?! He would never do that! And if you keep thinking about when you two were in high school, I’m going to go apeshit. You know damn well that was under very different circumstances.”

“Okay, okay…” I sighed, though he and I both knew that was my most prominent thought regardless. “I guess I’ll go then. I love you.”

I hugged him tightly one last time and then turned and gave my ticket and I.D. to the security guard. The process of getting on the plane was way too quick for my mind to deal with. Before I knew it I was strapped into my seat, my hands gripping the armrests of my chair as if my life depended on it.

“I see you don’t fly very much,” the man next to me laughed, pointing to my vice-like hold on the leather covering.

I laughed sheepishly and attempted to relax my hands, saying, “No… No, I don’t.”

“Don’t worry – once we’re up in the air, you won’t even know we’re flying!”

To an extent, he was right. However, the process of getting into the air and off the ground is what made me think that I would never make it to Georgia alive. The power of the engines sent my heart into a sprint, and once again, my hands gripped the seat tightly. The pressure of the take off made breathing difficult, and I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Don’t do that!” the man said, astounded. “You’re missing the great scenery out there!”

I furrowed my eyebrows and slowly opened one eye enough to see the plane tipping dangerously to the ground on my side. I could see the houses and the plots of land right under my nose, and that was enough to trigger the nausea. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, my anxiety skyrocketing.

“Is the plane supposed to do that?” I asked frantically.

“What, tilt? Yeah, but it’ll straighten out. You need to relax!”

Relax, Macy, I said calmly, releasing my hold on the seat. My hands throbbed as the blood rushed back into my fingers.

I sat back in the seat and nestled my shoulders into the soft fabric, trying to calm my nerves. The overly-friendly guy beside me seemed to know what he was talking about, because once we were actually up in the air, it felt just as if I were in a car – just slightly less bumpy. It was fairly peaceful, actually.

However, that peace was short lived as the intruding thought of the news I was planning on sharing with Alex entered my mind.

I had not an inkling of an idea of how I was going to tell him. “Hey, Alex. I know we just started dating, but I thought I’d let you know that we’ll never have biological children. Feel free to flee if you’re unhappy.” I really didn’t want him thinking that he had to stay with me because he felt bad. I didn’t want him worrying that I couldn’t handle this awful turn of events, because I really could. I had already come to terms with everything, it was Alex’s reaction that I was just so unsure about. Though I knew I would most likely get upset all over again telling him, I also knew that, once I was in the clear, my anxiety would be significantly relieved. I just wanted to feel like less of a failure.

Hours later, I gripped the seat again as the plane began descending, jolting every now and then as it dipped into the clouds. My heart shot up into my throat every time the plane dropped suddenly, but the kindly gentlemen beside me reassured me that that was completely normal.

The plane touched the ground in a gruff manner, and it swayed rapidly from side to side as it slowed down. When we were permitted to unbuckle and gather our things, I quickly did just that, turning on my phone in the process.

Alex:
Colussy’s at the airport waiting for you! I can’t wait to see you, love! It’s been a while.

I smiled nervously down at my phone as I exited the plane, my stomach doing flips. I had hoped Alex would be able to weasel out of his inconveniently placed set time, but it seemed I’d have to settle for Matt. I hadn’t seen Matt in ages, so I was nervous to have to awkwardly ride in a car with him. Awkward conversations were not something I was gifted at dealing with.

I walked out of my gate and headed out towards baggage claim. I scanned the area, hoping I’d spot the signature bald head in the crowd. I sighed in frustration and turned back to the bags that were piling out on the conveyor belt. Mine was one of the first to arrive, and I swiftly grabbed it and turned, running head first into someone.

“I’m so sorr-“ I quickly exclaimed, but I was immediately cut short when I recognized the mysterious brown eyes before me.

“What are you doing here?!” I asked in excitement, throwing my arms around Alex. His breath tickled my neck and goose bumps erupted all over my skin.

“I thought I’d be mean and trick you. My set was over a long time ago,” he laughed, pulling away. He leaned down and kissed me hard, his hands cupping my face.

“I’ve said it a thousand times before, but you’re a jerk,” I mumbled breathlessly.

Alex smiled and said, “Yeah, but I’m a jerk who loves you. Now let’s get this show on the road. Literally.” He grabbed my bag from beside me and began walking away.

"You know how I feel about corny jokes..." I sighed, as I attempted to grab my suitcase back from him.

Alex looked over and smirked, replying, "Why do you think I make them, then?"

I rolled my eyes and said, “I can take that!” as I tried to keep up with his fast pace . He made no move to let me have it, so I just let him carry it out.

“I’m just so fucking excited that you’re here!” Alex exclaimed once he got my suitcase into the back seat. “This doesn’t feel real! I never thought I’d see the day that Macy Granger would ever agree to go on tour with me again. Like, a legitimate tour, not just some little stint in our shitty van.”

“Yeah, me neither…” I muttered with a smile. “But I’m extremely excited, though! I’ll be honest, I didn’t really pay much attention to your performance when I saw you back in April…”

“What?! Why not?” Alex asked, taken aback. He buckled his seat belt and started the car, hastily pulling out of the parking space.

“I was more focused on trying not to freak out that we were once again in the same room… I don’t think I could name any of your newer songs! Only the ones from high school.”

“Well, I’m sure hope you’ll get to know them now! You’ll have to listen to them over and over for a whole week. I would play some old ones, but… Embarrassingly enough, I really don’t remember any of them!”

I smiled and stroked his arm, replying, “I’m sure I won’t mind the new ones!”

“I’m just excited for you to see me play…” he said, smiling widely as he pulled off of the highway.

I glanced up at him and took in the utterly elated look on his face. I felt a twinge of guilt over that goofy smile, since I wasn’t nearly as excited as him to be coming on tour for the week. I couldn’t let him know that though, since I didn’t want him to feel anything but pure happiness. The news would just have to wait.