All We've Ever Known

“Good morning,” I smiled once I opened my eyes. Macy’s ice blue, slightly opalescent eyes were staring right back at me, awake and alert. “How long have you been up?”

She shrugged and replied, “Not long… I didn’t know how to get out of here without waking you…”

I laughed as I realized how cramped she was in my bunk. She was jammed between me and the wall, and I felt guilty that she had been up for so long and never said anything. I was thankful it was just the first night – I would make sure to change the sleeping arrangement.

“Just wake me up next time!” I insisted, sitting up. “I don’t want you to feel trapped or anything…”

“I don’t mind waiting for you,” she groaned as she attempted to stretch. “What time is it?”

I searched the small bunk for my phone, and once I found it, I read the time aloud. “Holy shit! It’s only 8:30…”

Macy’s eyes widened for a moment before she stated, “I was not expecting it to be so early…”

“Is someone awake?” Matt’s voice called from the hallway.

“Yep,” I answered, pulling back the curtain. “What’s up?”

“You guys have press at one,” he said, glancing down at the schedule for the day. “You don’t go on until 6:45. Just thought I’d let you know. Why on earth are you up so early?”

I shook my head and replied, “I really don’t know…”

Matt raised an eyebrow and marched back down the hallway. I sighed and shut the curtain again, plunging Macy and I into darkness. I laid back down and felt Macy curl into my side.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head. “I can’t tell you how crazy I’ve been dealing with the fact that I won’t see you for weeks at a time.”

“Don’t think about that,” she commanded quickly. “I’m here for a whole week, there’s no reason to dwell on that.”

I nodded, mainly to reassure myself. Having Macy come the second week into tour was perfect, but it was also bittersweet. Although I loved that I got to see her before my paranoid emotions got the best of me, I was also not looking forward to the two months that we wouldn’t be together. So many things could go wrong, and although I was confident we’d be okay, there was still a small nagging fear that got the better of me every time.

“I really love you,” she whispered, hugging me tighter. “I can’t even believe we wasted four fucking years without seeing each other. For some reason that just sounds absolutely absurd to me.”

“It really does,” I laughed. “And to think that we’ve only been together for one fucking month blows my mind even more. I feel like it’s been so much longer…”

“So you’re happy? With us, I mean?”

Now that my eyes had adjusted again to the darkness of the bunk, I could clearly make out the slightly fearful expression on Macy’s face as she peered up at me.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know…” she sighed. “You never get worried? Is that wrong to feel worried?”

I almost wanted to laugh at that, since I certainly always felt worried. I really didn’t know if that was normal, but it definitely made me feel a lot better knowing that she felt that way too.

“I don’t think so…” I said, contemplating my answer. “I mean, you have to be ready for anything that happens, but I wouldn’t think about it too much… What are you even worried about?”

Macy didn’t respond, but I could hear her shallow breaths, and I knew she was anxious about something. Her fingers nervously played with the neckline of my t-shirt, and I grabbed her hand, lacing my fingers with her slightly shaking ones.

“Macy Lynn, what’s wrong?”

She sighed and shook her head, and I noticed the small trickle of tears trailing down her face. She quickly wiped at them and sat up, leaning her back against the wall. Her head just about cleared the roof of the bunk and she looked up, trying to compose herself.

I leaned up on my elbows, anxiety filling my entire body. “Seriously, what’s wrong?!”

“Nothing!” she said, her voice cracking slightly. “I’m just… I don’t know…”

“No, Mace – please tell me. Things are so much better when you communicate, remember? Please don’t shut down…”

She sighed deeply and replied, “I’m just scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of how you’ll react to what I want to tell you.”

“Well, you’ll never find out if you don’t say it!” I said, slightly exasperated.

“Okay!” she exclaimed. “Well… I don’t know if you remember, but I had that appointment earlier this week, and it was to see if… If I could have kids or not.”

When I didn’t respond, she continued nervously, “And well, it turns out I can’t…”

I was shocked, to say the least. I was also extremely saddened and confused, so I asked, “Like, at all?”

She looked down and replied, “Well, I mean, he said I technically could, but it would be very unlikely I’d conceive, and it would be extremely risky if I ever did end up pregnant. So… Chances are low.”

I furrowed my eyebrows and laid back down on the pillow. “I’m so sorry, Mace… You just can’t get a break, can you?”

“You’re not… Mad?!” she asked, surprised.

“No! Why the hell would I be?!” I exclaimed. “If anything, I’m mad at the universe! Or whatever the hell made all these terrible things happen to you! That’s not fair… I know how much you wanted to be a mom…”

Tears welled up in her eyes and she buried her head in her hands. I was heartbroken over the fact that this was happening – Macy had always been the one person who fantasized about her future and her husband and her children. She’d constantly be thinking of new names for them and she’d excitedly tell me about the type of people she thought they’d turn out to be. That was just always something that she enjoyed - she was good with kids and they had always gravitated toward her.

“It’s okay, Macy Lynn,” I said, pulling her down on to my chest. I wrapped my arms around her body and sighed.

“No, no,” she said quickly. “I’ll be okay… I was just… So scared of what you’d say.”

“Why?!” I asked, confused.

“I mean… There’s not really… Much of a future for us, technically.”

I laughed and replied, “You’re crazy! Just because you can’t have kids does not mean there’s no future for us. That does not mean a single fucking thing. I don’t care what happens to us in the future, but I swear we’ll make the best of everything. You don’t always need kids for that, I promise. Besides, there’s always things like adoption and everything, so… I mean, there’s always possibilities.”

I felt her sigh and curl even further into my side, and that was when I fully realized how far I’d come with my feelings toward Macy. Sure, I was a bit saddened by the fact that I may never have my own biological children, but I was taken aback by the way I honestly really didn’t care. I didn’t care if I’d never have my own kids, as long as I had Macy I could live in a fucking cardboard box and have eleven cats (and I cannot even express how much I hate cats). Even the fact that I was so sure of this – something so far in the future – solidified the fact that I wanted Macy for forever. I never wanted there to be another moment that her and I weren’t Macy and Alex.

We were always Macy and Alex, and the four years in which that wasn’t the case absolutely killed me. I didn’t feel like myself without that other half of my title among friends… I had just been… Alex. Or worse – Alex and Lisa, and that sure as hell did not amount to the swell of happy emotions I felt when I heard Macy’s name associated with mine. I would do anything, agree to anything, and be comfortable with anything as long as that was how it stayed.

“You need to stop worrying about what I think,” I said. “Because you know I’m not going anywhere… I don’t know how you can even assume such a thing. I’ll always be here, like I’ve always said.”

“I know…” she replied. “And that really makes me feel a lot better.”

“Well, good!” I said cheerily. “It should.”

There was a couple moments of silence before I said, “Since we have all this time on our hands it seems… Why don’t we go out somewhere to eat? I kind of want a little break from tour food… And it might be nice to get out for a while so we don’t dwell on this.”

She looked up and smiled, replying, “That sounds nice…”

“Alright then! Why don’t you get ready and then meet me outside when you’re done, okay?”

She nodded, and I rolled out of the bunk, the bright light emanating from the windows. Macy followed and grabbed an armful of clothes and her toiletry bag and went into the bathroom. I changed into a clean shirt and a fresh pair of jeans in the hallway and then grabbed my toothbrush, toothpaste, and a bottle of water, making my way outside.

“Hey,” Zack said breathlessly as I entered the tent directly adjacent to our bus. He was sitting in a fold out chair, chugging a bottle of water. His body was covered in a sheen of sweat, and beside him sat the massive dumbbells he had brought along on tour.

“Hey,” I said back, going over to where the black top of the giant parking lot met the grass of the surrounding area. I hadn’t realized that we were at our next destination on the tour, and I quickly look around the vast parking lot.

“Where are we?” I asked, trying to remember the order of the tour dates.

“Cincinnati,” he replied.

When I didn’t register what state that was in, he added, in a quite unimpressed tone, “Ohio.”

“Right…” I said, putting toothpaste on my toothbrush and brushing my teeth. I rinsed my mouth out with water in the grass off to the side and then sat in a chair beside Zack.

“You couldn’t have done that in the bathroom?” he asked, slightly put off.

“Nope!” I smiled. “Macy’s in there. And I thought it would just be quicker to do it out here.”

“How’s Macy liking the tour so far?”

I shrugged and answered, “I really don’t know… She’s been having a tough week to begin with.”

“I noticed that! She didn’t seem too happy when we were out here with Every Avenue. She kind of kept to herself.”

“Yeah… She’s got a lot on her plate.”

“Like…?”

I sighed and said, “She… She just told me she found out she can’t have kids.”

Zack’s eyes widened and he quickly replied, “What?! And what did you say?”

“I said I was fine with it! What else was I supposed to say?”

He shook his head incredulously and asked, “So you’re just going to be okay with that, and that’s the end of it?”

“Yeah! Why not?!” I answered in annoyance.

“Don’t you think you might be making some rash decisions? I mean, you guys have only been dating for a month.”

“I dated her for three fucking years before that!”

“Yeah, but you broke up for four years after that. I just think you should really think about what she just told you.”

“Dude, I’m not going to fucking leave her just because she can’t have babies. That’s not why we’re dating. I love her, and I’m not going to give up on her at the drop of a hat.”

Zack shrugged and said, “Whatever, man. It’s just food for thought.”

“Fuck you,” I snapped, narrowing my eyes. I got up angrily and walked back towards the bus, only to be met by a bright-eyed Macy as she walking down the steps.

“You ready?” she asked, her mood clearly higher than before.

“Yeah,” I replied, trying to mask the anger and annoyance I currently felt towards Zack. I grabbed Macy’s hand and we both walked out towards the exit of the parking lot.

I wasn’t going to let Zack get to me. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to give up on a relationship I cared so deeply about just because of something like that. Besides, I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted little Alexs roaming the planet – I wasn’t the best human being the world had to offer…