All We've Ever Known

Pride. That was all I could feel as I looked on from the side of the stage. My high school boys had grown into full-fledged rock stars as they ran out onstage to a multitude of screaming fans. I couldn’t even begin to describe the excitement I felt as the first note left Alex’s mouth, his voice sending shivers down my spine. I was proud, but I was also saddened by the fact that I had missed out on the best years, thus far, of their careers. I was watching the aftermath – the slow, but oh, so reliable climb to fame after years of toiling as an underground band. They had essentially already made it – and there was nowhere else for them to go but up, to bigger and better things. I was just glad that I was there for them now. Better sooner than later, I suppose.

For the first time since their show at the Merriweather Post Pavillion, I actually gave my full attention to the guys as they performed. It amazed me that, just a few months prior, I had been so full of panic just by looking at Alex, so naturally, I hardly paid any attention at all to their show. Now, all I could do was stare at him as he sang and played, and it made me even more proud that he was my boyfriend. He had harnessed the true power of his voice, and his ability to project out to a crowd of thousands made me weak in the knees.

They opened with a rather upbeat song called “Weightless”, and I found myself instantly loving it. Alex had said multiple times that their new album was the “best of the best”, but as I sat and listened to their set in its entirety, I was beginning to think that he was wrong. They played four new songs, and I felt myself gravitating more and more to the older ones. They had a stronger sense of youth with more mature undertones, whereas the new ones just sounded youthful – really nothing more than fun and poppy.

“Thank you so much for having us!” Alex called into the microphone. “You were amazing, Cincinnati! This our last song, and you better go fucking crazy!”

I smiled as they began playing, and I found myself thoroughly enjoying the song. Jack danced over to the side of the stage and winked at me, quickly jumping back to his spot by his mic. Before ending the song, Alex glanced over and raised an eyebrow, his signature smirk creeping across his face.

When they played the last note and said their farewells to the band, I high-fived each of the guys as they tiredly walked off stage. Alex was the last to approach me, since he stayed behind to throw his water bottle and some extra guitar picks into the crowd.

“You remember Maria?” Alex asked, as he grabbed a towel nearby. I nodded and he continued, “That last one was about her.”

I raised an eyebrow and laughed, “You wrote about her becoming a stripper…?”

“Something like that…” he smiled, taking a lot drink of water.

“Well, glad to see it’s your best song…”

“So how’d we do?” he asked with a smile.

I laughed and closed the space between us, pressing my lips firmly to his. His incredibly sweaty arms wrapped around me, and my hands roamed the back of his wet shirt.

I leaned away and replied, “You guys were incredible.”

“Well, thank you… I’m glad you actually paid attention.” He glared at me and then kissed me once more.

“That’s mighty cute,” Jack said, towelling off his sweaty hair. “Nice of you to even touch him when he’s that sweaty.”

I backed away and wiped my sweat covered arms off on my shirt, wrinkling my nose in displeasure. “It is actually nasty…”

“Oh, please – you don’t care,” Alex laughed. He grabbed a water bottle and chugged half of its contents before reaching out and motioning for me to follow him.

“I’m going to sign for some kids, grab some clothes, go take a shower, and then do whatever it is you want to do for the rest of the night, okay?” he said, squeezing my hand as we walked away from the stage. He stopped as we neared the merch table and turned to me.

“You might as well go back to the bus – these kids are nuts,” he said, jabbing a finger at the crowd of screaming kids surrounding the area.

“What do you mean? I’m sure they’re fine!”

Alex laughed and shook his head saying, “They’re fine until they find out yours truly is taken.”

“Oh, please. Let’s not boost that ego too high, shall we?” I smiled, rolling my eyes.

“Alright, then! Suit yourself – but just don’t take anything anyone says to you seriously, okay? That’s all I ask. They have it out for you.”

“Whatever… Have a good time,” I replied, reaching up and kissing him gently. “I love you.”

“Right back at you,” he whispered, deepening the kiss until I couldn’t feel my feet.

“I hate it how you do that,” I mumbled breathlessly, backing away with a sheepish smile.

Alex just shrugged slyly and left, not once looking back. In a daze, I turned and walked back to the buses, feeling my heart beat rapidly in my chest.

It was getting harder and harder for me not to feel intensely passionate toward him when he kissed me in such a way – which was quite often. I could never tell him how much I wanted to go further, since the night of my brother’s wedding was such a disaster. I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready to go through with such a thing, but physically… Physically I wanted to more than anything. I would never get his hopes though by even hinting at it. Plus, on tour wasn’t the ideal place I imagined such an act occurring, especially after I just found out that we could never even use that act the way it should be used.

Every time I thought about the prospect of never having kids, an all too familiar discomfort hit me square in the chest. I had certainly come to terms with this fact, but it still stung when the thought presented itself. I felt wholly insufficient, since I knew Alex was making a huge commitment by taking it so well and not leaving me the first chance he got.

He didn’t leave. What other sign did I need to realize that Alex was in it for the long run? What was I expecting him to do or say if even that wasn’t enough? The very fact that Alex didn’t leave me or even express any dislike toward the news was obvious, beyond any doubt.

I stopped in the middle of the parking lot and looked back, watching as Alex handed back an autographed CD with a genuine smile plastered to his face. I couldn’t help but smile and watch, my understanding of our relationship deepening with every passing second. I had to get past this silly fear of mine and show Alex that I didn’t need him for emotional stability. Contrary to any belief that might’ve passed through his mind, I really did love him for him, not because he was reliable. Sure, his stability was certainly an added benefit, but I wanted to show him that I was more than just a blubbering mess. I had cried and complained more in front of him than I ever had to anyone in my entire life.

That had to mean something.

I turned and walked back to the bus, feeling my back straighten with confidence. I wasn’t going to be the sick one anymore, I wasn’t going to let my emotional problems get the best of me. I was still a human after all, and I had to start acting like one.

I marched on to the bus and sat beside Colussy on the front lounge couch.

“Did you like the show?” he asked, glancing away from his computer screen.

I smiled widely and replied, “I absolutely loved it… They’re amazing!”

“Yeah, they’re pretty alright,” Matt laughed. “How was Alex?”

“Amazing as well,” I answered with another large grin. “His voice never fails to amaze me.”

There was a short pause before Matt said, “You know he’s crazy about you, right?”

I looked over, those words sending butterflies flapping vigorously away in my stomach. “What do you mean?”

“He loves you to pieces, Mace. He’s always worried that you don’t get that, so I thought I’d tell you. You make him happy.”

I smiled softly to myself, the butterflies now battering against the sides of my stomach in a harsh manner. “Well, I wish he didn’t have to worry… He knows I love him more.”

Colussy and I chatted for a couple more minutes before I retreated back to Alex’s bunk. His words did nothing but solidify the fact that I had to stop being so needy and show Alex that I truly cared. I had already made the biggest mistake of relying on him so heavily in high school, and I didn’t want to do that again. I didn’t want him thinking that we were falling back into the same destructive patterns.

One by one, various crew and band members entered the bus after showering and taking care of equipment. I hopped down from the bunk, looking to both sides of me in search of the brown-haired boy I wanted to see most.

He had just entered the bus when I spotted him and was making his way over to his bunk.

“Well, hello!” he greeted me, leaning down and kissing me. “I’m sorry if I took too long!”

“Don’t be sorry!” I said, ruffling his damp hair. “At least now you aren’t covered in sweat.”

“What, you don’t like that?” he asked with a mischievous raise of his eyebrow.

I felt the heat spread across my face, and I knew a redness was creeping its way across my cheeks. “I’m not too particularly fond it.”

“That’s a shame,” he whispered softly, pressing his lips ever-so-softly to mine. Goose bumps erupted over my skin as he deepened the kiss, his tongue gliding across my bottom lip. His right hand gripped the back of my neck gently and his left was pressed to the small of my back, pulling me closer to his body.

“Guys… Must you do that in the middle of the hallway?” Vinny laughed as he passed by.

Alex pulled away and rested his forehead against mine as he mumbled, “Fuck off.”

I giggled and pulled away, feeling slightly grateful toward Vinny. I had been wanting to break away as my need grew, but I didn’t want to give Alex the wrong idea. Luckily, I wasn’t the one who had to do it.

The night wore on, and it was a fairly quiet one, just like the evening before. The only visitor that swung by was Nick from Hit the Lights, and I was glad, since I wasn’t in the mood to have to mingle.

By two in the morning, I was completely shot. Laying against Alex’s chest on the couch, I stretched my arms and yawned, feeling my tired muscles contract in agony.

“You tired?” Alex asked, brushing the hair away from my face. I nodded and sat up.

“Why don’t you go to sleep – I’ll be there in a sec.”

I nodded again and kissed him quickly. I proceeded to say good night to the rest of the people who were awake, and I headed to the bunk. I wasn’t all that tired, to be honest. I was tired of talking, but I sure as hell knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep for another couple of hours. I grabbed my pajamas and quickly changed in the bathroom, brushing my teeth as well. When I was all done, I climbed into the bunk and settled into my spot against the wall.

Not long after, Alex poked his head through the curtain. “I told you not to sleep there!”

“But I like it over here,” I argued. “It’s cozy.”

“I don’t want you to feel trapped, though…”

“Alex, I never feel trapped – it’s okay.”

He sighed and leaned away from the bunk. I heard him unzip his jeans and let them fall to the floor, which told me he was “getting into pajamas” in his terms. He climbed into the bunk and snuggled into my side as I pulled the blanket around the both of us.

“I’m so tired,” he yawned, wrapping his one leg around my body. I giggled and kissed the top of his head.

“I think you’re a wonderful musician,” I said, playing with a piece of his hair.

He looked up and smiled, saying, “You consider me a wonderful musician? Man, I’m honored. You hardly ever grace anyone with the title of ‘musician’.”

“Well, sometimes people aren’t talented enough to me, but I think you are.”

“Well, thank you!” he smiled, leaning up and kissing me.

I laughed a bit as he deepened the kiss, and I suppose my hand accidentally brushed up against his inner thigh, since I received a soft very quiet groan from him.

I pulled away to see that his face had reddened a bit, and I asked, “What was that?”

“It’s been a while… You can’t expect me to keep calm with you that close.”

“I hardly touched you!”

“Like I said, it’s been a while…”

I only smiled before reconnecting our lips intensely. He kept up with the pace of my lips with ease, and it wasn’t long before I gladly invited his tongue. All the while, I felt my growing anxiety consume my chest, but I ignored it as much as I could. I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere in life if I didn’t overcome my fears, so I pushed aside the dark cloud covering my lungs.

Macy, get out, my mind frantically attempted to convince me. He’s going to hurt you, stop.

You’re so stupid, you’re just going to allow yourself to get hurt all over again?!

You’ve really done it this time… You just wasted your last chance at life.

But deep down, I knew nothing was going to happen to me. I was safe with Alex, and remembering how caring and accepting he was helped ease my anxious thoughts. Despite the howling voice in my head, I knew I was making the right decision.

When my hand traveled down his stomach he immediately pulled away.

“What?” I asked, confused. I had assumed that was what he wanted, and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he didn’t want to go through with it after all.

“Macy, if we don’t stop you’ll kill me,” he replied with an uneasy laugh. I could tell that his breathing had spiked.

“Well… What if I don’t want us to stop?” I asked, reconnecting our lips. He groaned for the second time as I tugged at the hemline of his shirt, pulling it over his head.

“Wait, you’re serious?” he asked, pulling away again. “You really want to do this?”

“Alex, when am I ever not serious?”

It almost seemed as if Alex would explode from shock and excitement as he hungrily reattached his lips to mine, changing position so he was hovering me.

He pushed my shirt up and over my head and began trailing soft kisses down my neck. My heart was beating faster than I felt comfortable with, and I could hear the blood thumping in my ears. He kissed the five scars on my chest and then moved to kiss the scars on my stomach and hips. My veins burned with lust as he kissed the ones on my legs, closest to my inner thighs. He moved back up my body and finally picked up my hand and softly kissed the multitude of scars on my arms.

“I love these, you know,” he whispered, leaning up and kissing my jaw.

“You’d be the first,” I muttered as he removed the sports bra I always wore to sleep.

“Well, I don’t care. I love them regardless,” he smiled.

“Are you absolutely positive you want to do this?” he asked seriously, his eyes boring intensely into mine.

I put my hands on either side of his face and whispered, “I’m absolutely positive. Now you’re killing me with all of this anticipation.”

He smiled widely and went back to kissing me as he fingers found the waistband of my underwear. He slowly slid them off, and I became too aware of my complete exposure. My breath hitched in my throat as his fingers grazed my inner thigh, and I tried my best to keep the anxiety at bay – I had gotten this far, and I didn’t want to fuck it up. I pushed his boxers down, and he removed them, pushing them off to some unknown place inside the bunk.

It was just me and him, in a bus full of people, secluded in a warm, dark and sensual place. I couldn’t have felt more at ease in that moment, and I realized that my fears and insecurities didn’t matter anymore – if Alex could accept me for who I was and still love me in every way, I had no reason to feel insufficient.

He slowly thrust his hips against mine, and pain soon followed. I pressed my head further into the pillows to hide my discomfort, but he noticed anyway.

“Are you okay?” he asked, kissing my temple.

I nodded and replied, “It’s been a while…”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

In a whirlwind of movement and heavy breathing, I found the pain subsiding quickly. Alex kissed my neck as he quickened his pace, and his breath fanned across my skin.

And for once I didn’t care that I was a broken girl. I didn’t care that I had marred my skin so completely. I didn’t care that there were people bustling around outside of our bunk and yelling at the TV screen while playing video games. Alex pressed his forehead to mine, reminding me that that was all I ever really cared about. Him. It would always be him and his smirk and his mischievous eyes and his familiar fingersandmouthandbodyandhands. It was almost as if I was transported back to high school, sneaking him into my bedroom at night, right under my mom’s nose, just so I could feel his body shaking on top of mine, his hands trembling as they traced the goose bumps on my skin. It was an adolescent love given a second chance, a chance that was so much more intense.

My breathing became erratic as I gripped his body in pure euphoria, my body shaking slightly from the intense pressure in my abdomen. I felt him laugh into my neck as he slowed down so I could collect myself. I kissed his lips, his nose, his cheeks – everywhere. I held his body tightly to mine as I attempted to get ahold of myself.

“Keep going,” I said breathlessly. He regained his pace, groaning quietly into my neck.

It wasn’t long before I found myself writhing once more beneath him, this time, fighting a loud moan. I knew I couldn’t give us away, so I buried my face in his shoulder, shaking.

If I could even begin to explain that night all over again, I wouldn’t know where to start. I couldn’t possibly describe the desperate groan that escaped his lips when he finally reached his peak, the way his eyebrows knitted together in such a pleasurable expression it looked slightly pained. I couldn’t describe the way his fingers gently brushed the sweaty hair away from my eyes and then traced the pattern of scars on my arms as we tried to gain control of our breathing.

I knew I was right in telling myself it wasn’t a mistake. Hearing him mutter “I love you” before wrapping his arms tightly around me before falling asleep was too much of a sign telling me I was in the right place with the right person at just the right time.

Even if I could hear Jack screaming, “Damn it, Matt! You didn’t even give me time to get upstairs before you blew off my fucking head!”