All We've Ever Known

The universe was in full-swing as I walked on to the bus , headed straight for my bunk on a mission to change out of my basketball shorts. Jack had just rolled out of his bunk, itching his beard as he glanced at me.

“Hey, man,” Jack yawned.

“How was the nap, princess?” I laughed, pulling on the pair of jeans I left in the bunk the night before.

“Shut up, it really was a bad headache!”

“Mhm,” I muttered.

“Oh, fuck you. Don’t make me out to be the pussy. You’re so fucking whipped it’s not even funny.”

“I’m not whipped!” I retorted.

“Really? The second Macy needs something you immediately stop what you’re doing to get it for her. When she doesn’t feel well, you don’t do anything else but stay with her all day. You hardly ever come out and party with us – you just stay in the bus and watch movies or some shit with her. Call me crazy, but that sounds pretty whipped to me!”

“I- I’m not…” I sighed in defeat. “Am I that bad?”

Jack nodded and replied, “But that’s okay. I get it – Macy needs a little more TLC than the average Joe, but every once and while it’d be cool for you to hang with us.”

“Yeah, dude… I really didn’t even notice…” I said, throwing my shorts back on the bunk. Macy was going to kill me for that, since she always teased me about how disorganized I was. I sighed and neatly folded them, also folding the single t-shirt Macy had left behind that morning.

“I just want to know why you guys are so attached at the hip all of a sudden… I mean, when she first got here she seemed so uncomfortable. Even before this fucking tour she was like a recluse! And now she’s talking to everyone and laughing and… Not being Macy that’s for sure.”

“Trust me, she’s Macy… It’s just a Macy we haven’t seen in a while.”

Jack started walking back down the hallway, ready to leave for the set. “I don’t know, man. Things just seem different between you two, for all I know it’s like you fucked her and got all attached. Typical mushy Alex.”

I didn’t respond as we left the bus and started across the parking lot. I hadn’t told Jack about Macy and I, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to. I wasn’t the type to open up about the depth of my true relationships, though I’ve been guilty of bragging about a couple of one night stands (something I’m not at all proud of). I wasn’t about to change my mind and spill my guts.

“What’s gotten into you lately?” he said, swiftly jumping out of the way when he almost collided with a couple walking toward him.

“What do you mean?”

Jack shrugged and added, “You just seem… Different.”

Different was definitely an accurate description of how I felt. I felt lighter, happier, more carefree. I felt invincible, as childish and naïve as that sounded. Not a trace of anxiety filled my lungs, and I owed it all to Macy.

Things were entirely different between Macy and I as the week progressed. There was such a deeper understanding in our relationship that neither of us really could comprehend. Every time I even stole a glance at her my heart swelled with some unexplained emotion I couldn’t quite place. I constantly wanted to be near her, hear her melodic voice, touch her, talk to her. Goose bumps erupted over my skin with just a single brush of her fingertips. Sure, call me crazy for thinking all of that, but it made me feel… Whole. What else did I need? I had Macy’s complete trust – the one thing I had searched for since day one.

She was much more open now, more vibrant. She wouldn’t hold back for anyone in conversation, which was something totally unlike Macy. Well, the “new Macy”. The new Macy that was now smashed to pieces and replaced with someone so much more exuberant and carefree. I had never seen anything like it!

And it was all from one single, solitary night.

What vexed me the most was that it obviously wasn’t the first time we’d ever slept together. I lost my virginity to that girl, for Christ’s sake. But it felt like the first time all over again, just… Better. Different. More intense and passionate. Macy and I were completely different people than when we were fifteen, so obviously it would be a different experience, but… It felt like light years since we were that young. A different universe.

Jack stopped short and I walked a couple of feet before noticing. “What?”

He eyed me suspiciously, finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together, and replied, “You know very well ‘what?’ You did fuck her, didn’t you?”

I cringed at his phrasing and quickly said, “Please don’t say it like that… You know how I feel about it.”

“So you did?!” he exclaimed incredulously. His jaw looked as if it would break from the flabbergasted expression on his face.

“Shut up! You want the whole fucking Warped Tour to hear?!” I growled angrily, punching him in the arm. He yelped and rubbed the spot where a bruise would surely form.

“Jack, I’m sorry…” I sighed. “It’s just… I don’t want to make a big deal out of it okay?”

“A big deal?! Dude, that’s a huge deal! And for once, I don’t mean in the ‘Wow, man! Glad you got laid!’ way. I mean, that’s a huge step for you guys.”

I nodded slowly, and said, “Yeah, it is… Which is why you can’t go around shouting it at the top of your lungs, okay?”

“Yeah, of course…” Jack laughed. “So that’s why Macy’s been so happy… I can’t even believe it! How many times have you done it?”

I shook my head and answered, “Only once. But I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay? It’s really just something between Macy and I at the moment, and I don’t know how open she’d be to me telling people all about our sex life.”

Jack snorted and said, “Yeah, because you didn’t do enough of that in high school.”

“Shut up. That was different.”

“Hm, look at little Alex being all respectful and shit.”

“Yeah,” I sighed, rolling my eyes.

I stopped walking when I saw her. A breathtaking smile crept across her face as she handed a young girl the t-shirt that she had just paid for. It was a fairly cool day, so her long, dark hair flowed around her face, free from its elastic confines. After a heated discussion over whether or not she could fulfill her wishes of helping us out, I finally caved and let her lend a helping hand to Vinny at the merch stand.

“You going to miss her?” Jack asked after a couple seconds of silence.

“Huh? Oh… Yeah…” I replied, that familiar crushing weight of reality hitting me square in the chest. It was Macy’s last day on the tour, and after our set, I’d only have a couple of hours with her before I’d have to drive her to the airport. It killed me to think about having to leave her for a month, especially after we had progressed so far in our relationship.

Macy glanced over at me and winked and I fought to keep my massive grin at bay as I waved. A couple of the girls standing in line witnessed my interaction and assumed it was aimed toward them, their exuberant shrieks piercing my eardrums. I laughed and shook my head,walking to the stage.

Salt Lake City had always been a big show for us, no matter what time of year or what tour we were on, so I was stoked to play. I played a show with a heavy heart though,since every time I glanced to the side of the stage, Macy would smile, her one dimple deepening to enhance her features tenfold. I didn’t want her leaving, and I didn’t want to be alone on tour.

When the show was finished, I rushed to sign for the kids, wanting nothing more than to see Macy. Since she had picked up her side job selling merch, I only saw her in the morning and after our shows were over, which meant that I had hardly any time with her until the evenings.

“I hate this,” I said, pushing my bottom lip out a bit as I wrapped my arms around her. I had time to shower before she was finished helping Vinny put all of our stuff away.

“What do you mean?” she laughed, nuzzling her face into my chest. The people walking around us stared as she leaned up and pressed a kiss to my lips.

“I really don’t want you to leave…” I sighed, the feeling I always dreaded crashing down over me – the feeling that produced that uncomfortable pressure in the back of my throat, and filled my tear ducts with a threatening salty liquid. I felt like such a wimp, but I was having a hard time facing the fact that she had to go. Because ultimately, it would be like this for the rest of my career.

“I don’t want to either…” she said softly. “I really don’t want to go…”

I pulled away from her immediately, walking behind the bus to conceal the fact that I couldn’t control myself anymore. I felt utterly stupid as I attempted to pull myself together.

“Alex are you crying?!” Macy asked incredulously as she followed me. “What is this? You never cry.”

I didn’t answer, because I didn’t know how to answer. Crying wasn’t my thing, and if I spoke, I’d hurt my pride.

“Alex what’s going on?” she asked, touching my shoulder. I jumped and backed up slightly.

“What’s going on? What’s going on is that you’re leaving me in an hour. I won’t see you for weeks. Does that not bother you?!”

“Well, it’s not that long until we see each other again. I’m just not thinking about that much, I guess… Which is weird.”

“Macy, after this tour, we’re going to have another one. After that one, we’re going to have another. And another, and another. All of them tours that last months. Not to mention little things here and there that we need to be away for. Not to mention a new album we’ll have to record. I’m going to be gone a lot.”

Macy was silent for a moment as the reality hit her. She looked at her feet and sighed, saying, “Well, if that’s how it has to be, that’s how it has to be. You’re the one who always told me to let things go, so maybe this is one of those things.”

“I don’t know if I can let this go. We’re not in high school anymore, and I can’t see you every day like we used to. We have to live in the real world. I have to do my fucking job and I have to sacrifice my home life because of it.”

“Alex, look at me,” Macy said, grabbing my face gently in her hands. “We can do this, okay? We’ve been through enough together, maybe it’s best that we have these breaks in between. I always chalked up a lot of our problems in high school to the fact that I was always around you. And now, now we can have space. And I’m sure there will be times when we need that space.”

I sighed and leaned against the bus, collecting my thoughts. “Since when did you get so fucking rational.”

Macy laughed dryly and said, “Someone has to be rational, and normally it’s you. It’s kind of nice being the rational one.”

I looked up to see her smiling. If Macy could look at this in a positive light, I sure as hell could, too.

“Well,” I said, pushing myself off of the bus, “we might as well head out.”

“Right…” she agreed.

Macy said her goodbyes and gathered her things and followed me out to the car. In silence, we drove to the airport, my heart thumping harder and harder the closer we got.

Standing in front of security, I pulled her in for a tight hug.

“The first time’s always the hardest, I guess,” she sighed into my chest. I shut my eyes tightly and kissed the top of her head.

“I better be going,” she said, pulling away. She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed me, reaching up and lacing her fingers through my hair. I leaned down and pulled her closer by the hips, my one hand automatically reaching for the nape of her neck.

She finally let go after a couple of seconds and whispered, “I love you. I’ll see you really soon, okay?”

And then left.