All We've Ever Known

Wandering. I still, after many times of peering down that dark and ominous street, had not a clue as to where I was going. The wind batted at my bare skin, causing me to shiver violently. I expected it. I always expected it. The footsteps closed in around me and I booked to the other street, my heart pounding straight through my rib cage. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone?

Once I stepped foot on the next street, the footsteps retreated and all I could register were my shallow, ragged breaths. I couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs as I looked around nervously. As expected, my eyes fell upon the dark, sweatshirt-clad figure in the distance. He was approaching me quickly and, as usual, I assumed I could just pass him without being noticed. Though I expected every move, every action, I still couldn’t quite place my location or how I got there or why I was in my underwear. The fear that I felt was very real, no matter how many times my brain processed that stupid, dimly-lit street.

The figure finally reached me, and when he did, his arm shot out and a knife embedded itself in my stomach. I fell to the ground, clutching the torn skin, scared to touch the wooden handle of the object that was firmly deep in my body. For the second time in my life, I tried to fight off the figure, and for the second time in my life, I realized that I knew the figure. I knew him very well. He was the last person I ever kissed, ever touched, ever said “I love you” to, and I shrunk back from his violent touch as he pinned me to the hard concrete, ripping out the knife in one fluid motion. I crumpled in pain, feeling, yet not feeling the blood trickle down my skin. It was as if I could see it, but I couldn’t feel it. I could only feel piercing uncertainty in my gut, which caused me immense pain.

I finally looked the boy in his eyes, utterly startled by the blackness that stared right back at me, pure hatred seething in their depths. The warmth from his eyes and his face were completely washed away by that inherent hatred, and he growled as he ripped off what little clothing I was wearing. I cried out, hoping someone would come save me, but he was already moving too fast, hurting me deeply as he ruthlessly forced himself upon me, grunting in my ear all the while. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to push him off me, but it was no use.

He leaned up and, looking me straight in my eye, smirked at me. His smirk was mocking, not the usual adorable smile that made my heart soar.

“You’re so pathetic,” he leaned down and whispered in my ear. “You are nothing but a whore like you always have been. How could I ever have loved you.”

I awoke with a start, my breathing labored and sweat dripping down my face. I cried out in the darkness of my room, trying to get my bearings on reality. What was reality? I glanced around the room in a panic, feeling the tears stinging my eyes as they poured down my cheeks. It was the second time that dream involved Alex, but this time… This time it was the full dream. The last time I had dreamt it I awoke before the hooded figure could even go that far, but…

I got up out of bed, my legs feeling like jello as I exited my room. The apartment was empty, since Paul and Val had went on a romantic escapade to Greece.

Even though they just went on their honeymoon… I though bitterly as I poured myself a glass of water.

I suddenly felt very lonely in my big apartment, and the intense longing I felt for Alex instantly returned to my weary bones as I sank into a chair. I had missed him horribly over the two weeks that I hadn’t seen him, and I was beginning to go mad. It would only be one week until got to see him again, but… A week was entirely too long.

I looked over at the cable box on top of the TV in the living room and sighed. I was startled awake just fifteen minutes before I was supposed to wake up. 6:15. I heaved myself out of the chair, not even bothering to consider eating breakfast.

Eating had become increasingly difficult since I had returned home from my week with Alex, and I hated myself for that. The second I had walked in the door, I hugged Paul and cried. I was so devastatingly lonely the moment I left Alex’s arms that I couldn’t even focus on anything other than keeping my mind off of how much I missed him. Naturally, eating and my intense recovery effort slid to the back burner of my mind. And I had been doing so well…

I got into the shower, turning the knob for hot water all the way on, the heat searing my skin. If I couldn’t cut myself, I had to do something. I felt so stupid missing him the way I did. When I told him we could do it, could be away from each other for so long, I had truly believed it. But now… Now I wasn’t so sure, and thinking about all of the other tours he would have to embark on made my heart ache. If I couldn’t endure three fucking weeks of separation, I didn’t want to know what it felt like to be away for longer…

Not only did I miss him, but I was beginning to lose my grip on trust. I knew it was irrational to think he’d cheat on me right away, but I couldn’t help but think about all of the girls that flung themselves at him daily.

They’re all preteens anyway… I tried to comfort myself.

But I knew there were others. I had been hurt in the past by Alex and his groupies, and though I tried to block those memories out as much as I possibly could, the betrayal was still there.

”Jack, tell me right now what the hell is going on,” I snapped as I cornered him in Rian’s basement. He had gone down to get a beer from the fridge, and whirled around in shock.

“What are you talking about…?” he asked warily, his eye twitching slightly. Bingo. He knew exactly what I was talking about, and immediately my heart turned to ice.

“Just tell me if it’s true,” I whispered, my eyes closing. A tear slid down my cheek at the realization of what had happened.

“Macy…” Jack sighed. “You have to know by now.”

I nodded slowly, and Jack pulled me into a warm embrace. “Mace, he was so shitfaced, I can promise you that. He hardly remembers what happened, and by the way he violently threw up in the morning from not only drinking too much but from all of the guilt, I can tell you he’s deeply sorry.”

The fact that he was sorry made my chest even heavier. I had successfully avoided him for a week, though it was difficult since we had the same lunch period. He knew that I knew. He never said a word to me that week, which I wasn’t entirely sure hurt me or helped me. I missed him, though. I missed him tremendously.

“I wish you hadn’t gone,” I whispered against his shoulder as the tears flowed freely.

“Macy, we had to. Winter break is one of the only opportunities for us to get some recognition. There’s only so much you can get accomplished when you’re a bunch of seventeen-year-old juniors in high school.”

“Did he… Did he like it?” I asked, pulling away. Jack’s face looked torn.

“No, Mace. He didn’t. He had a meltdown afterward and sent her away. It truly was a mistake.”

And I had forgiven him. I had gone upstairs with Jack and told Rian to invite Alex over, and I forgave him. Little did I know, that was only the start of more heartbreak, but it was all my fault. Since I had been so messed up for so long, Alex had gone stir-crazy, so I could never blame him for drifting in our relationship so many times. I made the term “buzzkill” seem almost like a term of endearment compared to what I had turned into.

But I had tried my best so far this time to not be that clingy, down-in-the-dumps girl, and I prayed every night that he would remember me for who I am now, and not who I was. I prayed that he would never stray, since I didn’t think I could physically handle that betrayal.

I shook my head and finished up my shower, readying myself for work.

I walked into the building feeling as if I would collapse from the pain in all of my joints. They screamed at me in protest as I climbed the stairs to my practice and I sighed as I walked through the door.

“Good morning!” Carol sang. She was always so chipper, and I wasn’t so sure I could keep up the charade that I was as well.

“Hey,” I said softly, placing my bag on a chair.

“What’s wrong?”

Ugh. “Nothing,” I said as enthusiastically as I could.

“You’re lying to me!” she said, astounded.

“I’m not… I’m really not. Today’s just… Rough.”

“Tell me about it, then!”

Before I could mutter another word, the first patient of the day walked in – Jenny. I smiled warmly and led her to the last room of the hallway, thankful that I had an interruption.

I couldn’t help but remember the rough manner of the dream, and I cringed as I looked over Jenny’s teeth. I wanted to take out my brain and leave it in another room.

As the day wore on, I grew more and more weary, thoughts bombarding me at every second. What is he doing? Does he miss me? Why hasn’t he called yet? I couldn’t get my dream out of my head, utterly disturbed by its events. I didn’t really want to talk to Alex at that point to be honest, since my stomach twisted uncomfortably in reaction to just the thought of his name. The dream had been so real, and every feeling associated with it was so visceral that I didn’t know how to handle it.

As I was preparing to leave for the day, my cell phone rang on my desk. His name flashed across the screen and my heart beat increased just a bit.

“Shit…” I muttered, staring at the name.

After a moment, Carol looked over and said, “You going to answer that…?”

I turned, surprised, and replied, “Uh… No… No, I’ll call him when I get home.”

Carol’s eyebrows knitted together and she nodded her head, confused. I quickly said goodbye and headed out the door, wanting nothing more than to be home.

But there’s no one there for you… I thought sadly as I got into my car. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel, sighing dramatically.

What was wrong with me? Surely it was all just because I had been alone for the past couple of days… Though I did prefer to be alone, I only liked it when there were still others in the vicinity. The knowledge that there was someone still there while really not being there was comforting. But here I was alone and terribly sad.

I drove home and burst through the door, passing the kitchen and heading straight for my room. I changed out of my scrubs and dove into my bed, nuzzling my face in my pillow and ignoring the gnawing hunger eating away at my stomach.

My phone vibrated violently against my night stand, startling me. I already knew who it was, but that didn’t stop uncertainty I felt deep in my bones from creeping up for the hundredth time that day.

I sighed and picked up the phone, answering it. “Hey, Alex.”

“Mace! How come I haven’t heard from you all day?!” Alex asked, his voice slightly panicked.

I sighed and said, “I’ve been… Busy. Work was intense today.” Lie.

“Mace, I miss you so much…” he said quietly, his voice slightly pained. “You have no idea how much I want to see you. The second I come home, I’m coming straight for you, you got that?”

I tried to attempt a laugh, but it ended up sounding too halfhearted for Alex, eliciting a worried, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong,” I lied, trying to calm my nerves. I could only picture Alex’s dark, tone of voice whispering how worthless I was in my dream.

“Macy Lynn, please tell me what’s wrong…”

“Alex, really I’m fine. I guess I’m just… Lonely.”

“Why are you lonely?” he asked, more in a comforting, parental way.

“I guess I forgot to mention that Paul and Val are in Greece? They left a few days ago, so… I’ve just been here by myself…”

There was a slight pause before he said, “I wish you could be here instead… You would love California.”

I smiled slightly, feeling my muscles relax a bit. Although feelings of loneliness weren’t all I was feeling, it was nice to tell someone at least a part of it. “I just wish you were back home… With me.”

“I promise, I’ll be home before you know it. Six more days, love!”

I sighed and said, “I know. But that’s still way too long for me.”

He paused again, and when he started talking once more, his voice had a worrying edge to it. “Mace, be careful. If you feel… Anything out of the ordinary, please call me. Okay? Please.”

I closed my eyes, willing my mind to stop racing. The desperate tone he used made me feel guilty for what I had put him through previously. Though I was nowhere close to even feeling suicidal, it still hit me hard that that was something that still affected him. I never meant to make him worry like that.

“Alex, I swear I’m fine. I just miss you! I have to go to bed now, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay…” he replied hesitantly. “I love you, Mace.”

“I love you too, Alex. Good night.”

“Good night…” he replied quietly. I hung up the phone and set it on the night table.

Six fucking days my ass.