All We've Ever Known

I opened the car door, warily watching Alex in my peripheral vision. He seemed extra giddy as he sat in the passenger seat, which made me tense. I sat down behind the wheel and slowly put my seatbelt, anxious for the two-hour ride to Maryland.

My brother’s trip to Greece created an ideal week for Alex and I to be alone in my apartment, and I would forever cherish those memories, but as I turned the key in the ignition, I couldn’t help but relay the conversation I had with Paul once he had returned to Delaware.

”Hey,” I said cheerily as I shut the slider door to the balcony. Taking a seat in the chair beside Paul, I simultaneously lit a cigarette and took a long drag, my heart beating at an unusually fast pace.

“Hey,” he responded. “How was your week?”

I smiled cheekily as I recalled the events of the week with Alex and replied, “It was really great. I missed you, though!”

“Yeah, I’m sure you did,” he laughed. “I’m sure you really missed me when you had the whole apartment to yourself! And I’m sure you weren’t alone the whole time.”

“Stop, I really did miss you,” I giggled, my cheeks growing redder by the minute. “It’s weird not having you around sometimes...”

Paul nodded. “I agree, it’s weird being away from you. There’s never been a moment in our lives when we haven’t lived in the same house. Well, except for that time you went haywire for a year and we didn’t know what happened to you. Other than that, it’s been just you and me, my lady.”

I swallowed hard, nervous for the announcement that would surely aggravate Paul. I even felt bad because of my decision, which was silly, since it was my life and my boyfriend. Paul was right, though - I had lived with him my whole life, and I would certainly miss him like hell once I moved.

“Paul,” I sighed, taking another, unnecessarily long drag of my cigarette, “I have to tell you something, and I don’t want you to get angry.”

Paul snorted. “Wow, that sure sets this conversation up well. I don’t like this already.”

“I just don’t want you to jump to conclusions and yell at me... This is going to be hard for me too, and I won’t feel better about it unless you’re fine.”

“For God’s sake, Macy - just tell me!”

“Okay!” I said, putting my hands up in defense. “I’m... I’m moving in with Alex.”

Paul didn’t say anything at all, he just stared at me. I nervously took one last drag of my cigarette and then stubbed it out, discomfort growing inside my chest.

“Will you say something?” I said, trying to read his expression.

“I’m... I’m trying to think of something to say without getting angry,” he finally sighed. “Mace, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I exhaled, registering that I had been holding my breath. “I figured you’d say something like that.”

“No, hear me out,” he said, repositioning himself in the chair so that he was perched on the edge. “I was just saying that we’ve never lived apart as long as you’ve been alive, and it just makes me incredibly nervous having you be two hours away. What if something bad happened?”

“Like what, Paul? Are you scared I’ll relapse with everything? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t had a problem with drugs in nearly three years!”

“Well, what about the self-harm issue, or your eating disorder? Mace, I just don’t think...”

“Just say it Paul,” I said angrily, becoming annoyed with his frivolous sentences.

“I just don’t think you can do it.”

I nodded my head slowly, too angry to even speak. I had told Paul not to get angry, and here I was fuming silently, wanting nothing more than to punch something.

“Paul, this isn’t really your decision in the first place,” I finally said, taking a deep breath. “And I don’t really care if you doubt my ability to follow through with this. I’ve grown up a lot over the years, and I think it’s time I leave this stupid nest.”

“I get it, Macy. I totally get it, but you’re not considering everything. What are you going to do when Alex goes on tour? You’ll be alone in Maryland for months! You’ve only been dating Alex for three fucking months, and you want to move in with him already?!”

I hadn’t really considered the months when Alex would be away on tour, and suddenly, for a split second, I agreed with Paul.

He noticed my wavering attitude and said, “Macy, you won’t have familiarity. You’ll just be alone in a house that he owned with another girlfriend.”

I looked up at him, sadness filling my chest. I didn’t say anything in return. How could I? He was entirely right, as usual. This was way too soon, and everything was still new and somewhat frightening. What was I thinking moving two hours away from the only family I had left?

I got up from my seat and went inside, the disappointing truth weighing me down.

“Macy?” Alex said, caressing my arm. “You okay?”

I looked at him briefly and then returned my eyes to the road. “Yeah, I’m fine! Just tired, I guess.”

Alex smiled and said, “Well, just think, in a matter of two weeks, you’ll be sleeping next to me every single night.”

I feigned the best real smile I possibly could and replied, “I know, crazy...”

We didn’t talk much the rest of the ride to his house, since I couldn’t really keep up a good conversation. Alex was certainly catching on to my demeanor and I gave up trying to pretend like I was okay.

When we finally arrived at his house, I sat idly in the driver’s seat. Alex stared at the side of my face, his annoyance growing every second.

“Macy, just tell me what’s going,” he said, clearly peeved. “You haven’t said a word since we got off the highway.”

I sighed, scared. “Alex, it’s just... I don’t know.”

“No, don’t say ‘I don’t know.’ You have to tell me what’s up.”

I looked up at him, his deadpan face more serious than I had ever seen it.

“I just don’t think I can move in with you,” I finally said, my shoulders falling in defeat.

“What do you mean?” he asked. “You were so excited about it the whole week! Until your brother came home...”

His voice faded as he realized that my thoughts changed once my brother came back from Greece. This ignited a new fire within him, and he sat forecely back in his seat, enraged.

“So this is about something your brother told you,” he said matter-of-factly. “Because you always listen to your fucking brother like he’s God.”

“Alex, that’s not what this is about,” I said desperately. “He just said some things that made sense and now I’m not so sure this is a good idea.”

“And what did he say that made you change your mind so quickly?” he asked, venom dripping from his words.

I shrank back in my seat, suddenly scared of the conversation. “Nothing, just that... Well, you tour and everything! I’ll be home alone for a while and that... Scares me a bit.”

“All your friends live here, though! I don’t understand why that would be so terrible.”

“I know, I know! And I’m really happy that I’ve reconnected with them, but it’s still so new, you know? I’ve only been around again for a couple of months, and I just don’t want to make anything weird... You’ve been with Lisa for so long and you guys owned this house together, and I just feel like I’d complicate things.”

“Macy, do you - as in, you making your own decision - honestly want to move here?” he asked, his tone softer.

I paused for a moment and then replied, “Well, yeah! I think it’d be cool, but...”

“Yeah, there’s no ‘but’. It’s a yes or no question!”

“Alex,” I sighed. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

He nodded slowly, clenching his jaw tightly. “Okay, I get it.”

He got out of the car and grabbed his suitcase from the backseat, shutting the door more aggressively than usual. I got out of the car in a panic.

“Alex, wait! Come on, I don’t want to make you angry!”

He turned around and laughed dryly. “Macy, you’re not making me angry. Look, I can’t make you do anything, and I won’t be angry if you don’t want to move in with me - that’s not the point. I’m angry because I want you to grow up and stop listening to your brother as if he knows everything. Believe it or not, you are your own person and you can make your own fucking decisions without his goddamn help.”

“Alex, I-”

“No, Macy - never mind. I guess asking you to move in with me was not the right move, and I’m sorry,” he said. He turned around and walked back into his house without another word.

I stood there in shock, unable to process the conversation that just occurred. I felt sick to my stomach knowing that I had made Alex so angry.

I walked slowly back to my car, glancing one last time at his house.

Nice, Macy. Really nice.