All We've Ever Known

“Kara, I don’t think I can do this,” I said, my voice shaking slightly. We were parked outside of Alex and Rian’s house, the bass from the loud music in the lively building resonating all around.

“It’s your choice, Mace,” Kara said, patting my arm gently. She pulled the sleeve of my cardigan down with a sad look, covering the newly formed gashes that painted my upper arm.

“Thanks…” I muttered, suddenly feeling as if I was going to burst into tears.

So far this trip was far from what I expected it to be. I hadn’t really expected much anyway, but it caused me more harm than good. I had been two months free from self-harm and coming here ruined any progress I made. If I stayed any longer, all of my progress could just unravel right before my eyes. I couldn’t stay here much longer… I would leave on Monday and that was that.

“Just… Enjoy yourself, Macy. They’re all going to be very excited, I promise you. Those are you’re friends for heaven’s sake… They love you!”

I sighed deeply and replied, “What if I can’t handle seeing Alex and Lisa? What if I make a fool of myself, or something?”

“Mace, don’t worry. I’ll be right beside you the whole time! You have me to lean on,” Kara said, getting out of the car and fixing her outfit. I did the same and sighed.

“Do I look okay? I mean… I haven’t seen them in such a long time; I don’t want to look like a slob…” I said, smoothing down my jeans and fixing my cardigan so that it covered my cuts. The cold wind seemed to cut right through me and I shivered violently.

Kara laughed and replied, “Babe, you look beautiful. Now let’s get you inside before you freeze to death.”

I followed her across the front lawn and up to the front door where she didn’t hesitate to turn the doorknob. Once inside, I could feel the warm, slightly stuffy air envelope me and ease my goose bumps. My jaw was beginning to ache from continuously clenching it and I dug my fingernails into my palms to keep from subconsciously scratching my skin to shreds.

“Come on,” Kara said soothingly into my ear as she weaved me through the crowd and into the kitchen where Rian was pouring himself a drink. She kissed him on the cheek, surprising him.

“Hey!” he said warmly, hugging her and then kissing her gently on the lips. His attention then turned to me, making my palms sweat. He seemed shocked that I had actually come, but he quickly composed himself.

“Macy! I’m so fucking glad you came!” He hugged me tightly, the pungent smell of the drink in his hand making my mouth water. My body instantly craved the liquid and I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the thoughts out of my mind.

“Thanks for inviting me,” I said with a soft smile.

“Not a problem!” he replied happily. “Help yourself to something to drink over there,” he said, jabbing a thumb at the table in the corner of the kitchen, which was filled with various alcoholic and nonalcoholic drinks.

I nodded and replied, “Thank you.”

“By the way, I’m sorry about the whole… Alex run-in on Wednesday… I wasn’t expecting him to be back so early…” Rian twirled the straw in his drink as he talked.

“It’s alright!” I said warmly, making sure he knew I was fine. “It was nice… Seeing him.”

Rian shot me a glance and opened his mouth to say something, but was immediately interrupted.

“Macy?!” a shocked voice exclaimed from behind me. I turned to see a very surprised Jack Barakat, and laughed.

“Hey, Jack!” I said, accepting his tight hug and peck on the cheek.

“How the fuck are you?! It’s been so long! You look absolutely amazing,” he said, extending his arms as if he were showing off a model.

I scoffed and sarcastically replied, “Well, thank you… You look pretty amazing yourself!”

Zack came up from behind Jack, his smile as wide as the ocean.

“Hey, Macy,” he said gently, enveloping me in a soft hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck and allowed myself to relax for a second. The warmth from his strong body soothed my nerves. Zack always had a way of making me feel better without even really trying.

“It’s so fucking good to see you,” he laughed into my hair. I smiled at his words and he released me moments later.

“Isn’t this just the cutest thing ever?” Jack exclaimed, pulling the four of us into a tight group hug. We all laughed awkwardly as we struggled to maintain our balance as Jack began swaying slightly. “We’re all together! The ol' group finally has their missing member!”

“Did I hear someone say Macy?” a girl bellowed as she approached us. “What the hell are you doing here?”

She let out a loud, semi-shrill laugh that could make me laugh any day. Jessie Ritz was always a joy to have around, and it was nice to see her again. She approached me and hugged me tightly, swaying me from side to side.

“Seriously, dude. What the hell has been going on with you?”

I laughed and replied, “Nothing much! You?”

“Bullshit!” she yelled, clearly inebriated. “You must’ve had one hell of a time, huh?”

I looked down, feeling slightly uncomfortable. I wasn’t even able to joke about anything that happened to me, so how was I supposed to respond to that? I wasn’t about to sit down and tell her my whole life story. Jessie wasn’t into details like that though, which was something I was always eternally grateful for. She was the type of friend you could call and party with to erase the memories of your shitty day – without any explanation at all!

Jessie was too preoccupied to stay long, and soon it was Rian and I standing by the island in the kitchen again.

My eyes fell upon a familiar brown-haired boy, and my heart immediately began beating a bit faster than normal. He was animatedly talking to another familiar brown-haired boy, Matt Flyzik, who laughed heartily at something that was said by Alex.

“Glad to see Matt here,” I said, nodding towards the pair.

Rian smiled and replied, “Yeah… He’s our tour manager now!”

“Really?” I said in disbelief. “I was sure his band would take off…”

“Eh, they just kind of died out. Just weren’t really into it, I guess,” Rian shrugged, seemingly distracted by a certain individual approaching the boys.

My heart shot up into my throat as I watched Lisa run her fingers up Alex’s arm and laugh seductively at what he began whispering in her ear. Matt walked away from the pair, and Alex bent down to gently kiss her on the lips, sending toxic currents of poison through my veins. I wasn’t angry, not even jealous. It was a feeling I couldn’t describe… Sadness for what was once mine, for what was lost and may never return. It saddened me to know I lost him, and watching her playfully tug at his hair made me want to vomit from the intense anxiety I suddenly felt.

Rian was looking warily at me, watching how I would react. I tried my best to keep myself composed, and I hoped it was enough to convince him I was fine.

“Well… I’m just going to go find Kara real quick. I need to ask her something…” I mumbled as I shuffled through the crowd, away from Rian.

What was I thinking coming here? How would Lisa feel if she saw me? She’d most likely hate me… I most definitely did not belong here, and I had a sudden urge to sprint out the door and run far away - far enough so that no one could find me and I could forget about everything.

But I couldn’t, and soon I was being pulled around the room and being hugged by people that seemed too shocked at seeing me to function. I wasn’t sure if they were genuinely excited to see me, or they were just genuinely shocked I was even still alive. I had a hunch it was the latter.

Once I finally wriggled free of the arms of overly-“excited” friends, I found Kara talking to an old friend, Sam. I approached the two and joined their conversation, hoping that I’d be able to forget about Alex, who was currently sitting on the couch talking to Zack.

“How are you liking the party?” Sam asked enthusiastically, but my attention was not at all on her.

Lisa had once again approached Alex and plopped herself right on his lap, pressing her lips hungrily to his. He smiled into her lips and moved his hand to the small of her back, both of them clearly wanting to just rip each other’s clothes off.

He never even said hello to me… I suddenly thought. He invited me himself to his own fucking party and never even said a simple “hi”. He clearly didn’t care whether I had come or not, and I probably shouldn’t have, judging by the way he stood up eagerly and led Lisa away from the crowd and down a hallway. I felt like I was actually going to throw up. Everywhere.

“Excuse me for a second…” I mumbled, walking away from the pair. I could hear Kara repeatedly barking, “Excuse me” as she followed me out of the front door.

“Macy, wait!” she called as I jogged across the front yard and to my car. By now the tears had formed and were falling freely down my face.

“Mace, please don’t go,” Kara said once she reached me. When she noticed the tears streaming down my face, she fell silent.

“Kara, I can’t do this. I can’t watch him touch her like that and be that way with her… I don’t care how strong any of you say I am, I’ll never be able to get over him!” I was now practically yelling, which didn’t really matter, since the pounding music drowned out my voice.

“Just… Give it a chance…” she said quietly.

“I’m sorry… I can’t.”

I turned to my car, but was stopped by the faint shout of a familiar voice. My head jolted in the direction of the front door of the house, and there, standing on the doorstep was a very distraught Alex Gaskarth. Our eyes met and I instantly knew that was a mistake, since I clearly looked like I had cried and I was sure he knew why.

“Mace! Can I talk to you?” he shouted again, not leaving his spot at the door.

No, you can’t fucking talk to me. I’m leaving right now and never coming back, I thought viciously, getting in my car and slamming the door shut.

As I drove away, tears blurring my vision slightly, I knew I had just torn open a cut so deep in my heart that it was one that wouldn’t even bleed. I could feel it, sending shooting, non-existent pains through my chest. I had to get out of here, and I had to do it fast. I was so fucking stupid.