All We've Ever Known

I lugged my bags out to the parking lot of the hotel I had stayed at for the duration of my trip to Timonium. The sky was gloomy and dark, and giant rain clouds were beginning to cover the city. I threw the bags into the trunk and leaned against the car for a couple minutes.

Why had I even bothered coming? All this trip did was solidify the fact that I had ruined my life and had no hope of getting back the old times. No one cared whether I came or left. Sure, people were enthusiastic and friendly at the party, but no one truly cared that I had come back… Had I expected them to? I tried to prepare myself before arriving for a letdown, but was I just imagining their pity, or did they truly feel like I was a lost cause?

I shook my head and shut the trunk, ready to go back home - wherever home was. Timonium used to be home, but now I didn’t even know where I belonged. I was a nomad who was unwanted wherever she went.

I always associated leaving with the memory of being seventeen again, when everything went wrong.

The tears stung my irritated cheeks and I wobbled out of the house. Nothing could keep me in this washed up town. The only bag I had banged against my leg as I descended the front steps, my mom chasing after me as I went.

“Macy, you can’t go! I won’t allow it,” she said, grabbing my arm. I violently ripped my arm out of her grasp and set my bag down on the sidewalk.

“You know there’s nothing left here for me, Mom. You know I’m miserable,” I said, my voice monotone. The look on my mom’s face was one I would remember for years to come, and I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her anymore.

“See!” I shouted. “I’m only hurting everyone! I’m hurting every single person that’s ever loved me and I don’t know how to stop! Tell me how to fucking stop, Mom. If it was all that easy I would be fine by now. My life would be normal, but I’m not normal.”

She stared at me, her eyes filling with tears, “What did I d-“

“No, don’t fucking start with that. You and I both know it’s not your fault. I just… I don’t know what else to do.”

“What about the baby!” she said in desperation. Tears were now streaming down her cheeks. “What are you going to do when he comes? You’ll have nowhere to go!”

At this, I just turned from her and instinctively touched my four-month pregnant stomach. It certainly was not healthy to be this thin while pregnant, and the tiny baby bump that should’ve been there was hardly a bump at all, but more of a slightly bloated stomach. I wasn’t sure what I was going to about the baby, but I’d figure something out. He was the only thing keeping me from killing myself, and I would make it work no matter what.

The familiar pit formed in my stomach at the thought of the baby and I immediately dismissed the bombarding plights that came along with it. I shouldn’t have been leaving with the baby on the way. Deep down I knew this was not what I should be doing, and it would only push me deeper into my battle with my dependencies, but I couldn’t stop… No matter how hard I tried, I always went back to them.

I got into the car and drove off, passing house after familiar house, my mind racing. Was this worth it?

I choked back tears as the memory replayed in my mind. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t at all worth it, and by leaving I lost every single thing I had, including the precious baby that I had so closely treasured in my heart, but never got to hold – and it was all my fault. I immediately ordered myself to stop dwelling on past mistakes. I couldn’t let myself think about the baby and all of the other horrible things I did in my life, otherwise I’d break down and would never be able to get out of there.

I sighed and threw my car into reverse, backing out of my spot. I was stopped immediately by an idling black Range Rover sitting directly in my way. It made no move to leave, so I glanced into my side mirror to get a look at the face of the driver.

My breath caught in my throat as I noticed the smirk on the boy sitting in the car. Alex. I drove back into my spot and watched as he pulled into the space beside me and got out. I did the same, my mind too shocked to really think straight.

“What… Are you doing?” I asked hesitantly as I leaned against the back of my car.

“I… Came to see you off!” he said happily, as if nothing was wrong. “I heard you were leaving early today.”

By now, small rain drops were falling lightly, landing on the bare skin of my arms. It had been an unseasonably warm March day, but at that moment goose bumps erupted all over my skin. Alex glanced down, his eyes widening slightly at the vast array of scars that littered both of my arms.

“I… Uhm… Yeah, just came to see how you were doing…” he said, seeming to suddenly forget why he had even come in the first place.

“Well, I’m going to go then…” I muttered, feeling uncomfortable.

“Wait! No… I actually came to… Apologize for being an asshole on Saturday…” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “I wasn’t really aware that you were… Actually going to come.”

I shrugged, “It doesn’t really matter.”

“No! It does matter. I feel like such a fucking idiot… I invited you and didn’t even say two words to you the whole night! Really, Macy Lynn, I’m sorry…”

I stared at him shock at the inclusion of my middle name. My mind immediately flashed back to the moment where he began calling me Macy Lynn, and it took everything I had not to start shaking.

”You know, your name sounds cooler when you put it all together. Macy Lynn just sounds so much cooler than Macy,” Alex said as he switched out the mixed CD from the CD player.

It was the first day of the summer after fourth grade, and we had been friends for what seemed like forever, but in reality it was only a year. We had spent the day playing old records and CDs of my mother’s while we looked through old magazines that my mom had collected over the years. It was a peaceful day, one that I had made a point to remember for years following.

“I don’t like it, though…” I said, skipping the songs I thought were wastes of musical talent.

“But it’s cute,” he replied. “It sounds… I don’t know! Like, you! It just fits you.”

I laughed as I sat against the side of the bed, looking up at the ceiling.

“I guess so… But I just don’t feel like it would stick.”

“Oh, it will,” he said finally before dropping the matter, smirking all the while.

A smirk that would later engrain itself in my brain and emerge in my dreams when I least wanted it.

“Mace?” Alex asked, waving a hand in front of my face.

“What…?” I said, disoriented. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I was apologizing for what happened the other night…” he said, taking a step back. “You alright?”

“Yeah… I’m fine,” I replied. “I just… Need to go home.”

“Where are you living now?” he asked, trying to buy time before I actually did leave.

“Uhm… I live out in Delaware now… I live with my brother in Seaford.”

“Oh! That’s great… Great area… How is your brother doing?”

“He’s good… Getting married in a couple of months, so we’re all pretty excited about that,” I said, glancing down at my vibrating phone.

“Speak of the devil…” I mumbled as I read through the text he had sent me.

Paul:
Are you coming home soon?! How come you aren’t answering me?

I could sense the worry and frustration coming from the words and sighed, shoving my phone back in my pocket. I had to remember to call him.

“Alex… I have to go,” I muttered, reaching for the door handle.

“Wait… Are you… Coming back any time soon?” Alex asked, putting his hand over mine so that I wouldn’t open the door. The contact of his skin sent a shiver down my spine, and his words made me deeply depressed.

“I… Don’t think so…” I replied.

Alex looked genuinely sad and asked, “Why not?”

I sighed. Why not? There were many reasons why I would never come back, but one of the big ones was the boy standing in front of me. I could never come back here knowing that I lost the best thing I ever had. I gave up the only love I had ever experienced and I could never, ever get it back. I couldn’t live with myself if I stayed here at any other point in my life.

“Because… This isn’t my home anymore, and I’d like to return to where I belong.” The words sounded strange coming out of mouth, since I knew it was all a lie. Where did I belong?

“Okay…” Alex said, letting go of my hand. “Have a… Safe trip.”

I nodded and opened the car door, glancing at him one last time. He was turning around slowly and preparing to get into his own car.

“Alex, wait!” I said, stopping him in his tracks.

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. I knew it was stupid to do it, but I had to have a proper goodbye if I was never going to see him again.

“Can we at least stay in touch?” he whispered into my ear as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I closed my eyes, realizing it was a hopeless effort to continue to ward Alex off.

“Sure,” I replied.

We exchanged numbers and both got into our cars. I waved one last time before pulling out of the parking lot and embarking on my journey back home.

I wish I could erase this week from my memory. I wish I had never seen Alex or talked to him or exchanged numbers with him. But that was what I did – I constantly made mistakes that I couldn’t learn from.