All We've Ever Known

The dream - a typical, reoccurring dream that haunted me for years. The dream never lost its ability to scare the living shit out of me.

The night was creeping in on me as I walked down the street. The chilly wind blew against my bare arms as I trudged down the tree-lined road in my underwear. Goosebumps had formed all over my body and sent a shiver down my spine. The sky was an ominous, dark, electric blue color, as if a storm was about to form at any moment.

I could hear the approaching footsteps behind me, as clear as day. The anxiety crashed down on me like a massive tsunami, crippling my ability to think straight. All I could decipher was the fact that I was in my underwear and an unknown person was picking up speed close behind me.

I started running, my heart pounding in my chest. The feeling of extreme terror seized every muscle in my body. The footsteps subsided and I snuck a peak behind me to find no one there. I sighed in relief and made my way around the corner, crossing onto a new street. Where I was headed? I had no clue.

On the next street, I felt a sense of relief as I clutched my bare sides, trying to warm myself. This relief was short lived as I eyed the looming figure in the darkness. He was a hooded man, his face not visible in the least. He wore a simple sweatshirt and jeans and had his hands shoved in his pockets. I knew this figure, but couldn’t place the name – it was as if he was a ghost of a person who didn’t exist.

My heart dropped as I continued to walk toward him. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t make myself stop and turn around. My body was on autopilot, walking straight into a sea of sharks – straight to my death.

Maybe I can just pass him and he won’t really notice me… Maybe he’s harmless…

But as I finally reached him and tried to pass him, his hand shot out of his pocket and something sharp pierced the skin of my stomach, lodging itself in the flesh. I fell to the ground in pain, unable to contain my screaming. He clamped his hand over my mouth and attempted to pull my clothes off with the other.

A strange turn of events from my usual dream occurred, and my knee collided with his stomach and he stumbled back, his hood falling. Suddenly my heart felt as if it had stopped. I gazed into the deep, chocolate brown eyes of a boy, a boy I had once loved dearly. His face was full of hatred and he shouted words at me that I couldn’t comprehend. All I knew was that I was dead… Not because of the strange, unfamiliar man that normally appeared with the knife, but because of the boy that once held every secret I had, every kiss I gave, every “I love you” I uttered.

I jolted awake, my heart pounding and sweat pouring down my face. Light from the living room invaded my early morning-lit bedroom, and my brother stood in the doorway, confused.

“What?!” I shouted in terror, unable to gain control over my emotions. I fell back onto the bed, tears running down my cheeks and deep sobs erupting from my chest.

Paul sat down beside me on my bed and rubbed my arm, saying soothing words that my muddled brain couldn’t comprehend just yet.

“I… I can’t breathe,” I gasped as I clutched my chest and rolled over. My heart was still racing and I felt as if I was dying.

“It’s okay, Macy… It was just a dream… You’re okay,” he said softly, rubbing my back.

At this point, Val ran in and frantically asked what was wrong. Paul shushed her angrily and told her to leave us be which obviously offended her. She stormed out of the room, banging around pots and pans in the kitchen.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” I repeated over and over again, almost chanting it.

“Mace, look at me,” Paul ordered, which made me shudder for whatever reason.

I turned though, and stared into the deep, ocean blue eyes of my brother, starting to feel more relieved. He smiled softly and pushed the damp hair out of my face.

“See? You’re fine!” he said with a laugh, letting go of me. I took a huge deep breath, but was stopped by the constricting bands of anxiety around my chest.

“Paul, I need to get up,” I whispered, my voice raspy. I pushed him away and got off of the bed, going out into the kitchen and getting a glass of water.

Val seemed to have gotten over her anger and touched my shoulder affectionately.

“You okay?” she asked sweetly, handing me a plate with a piece of toast on it. I nodded and took the plate from her, mumbling a quick “thanks”. I wasn’t at all hungry, but I needed to do something to get my mind off of the horrible feeling that had settled into my stomach.

“Happy birthday, by the way,” she said, nudging my arm and winking. I groaned inwardly and rolled my eyes. Birthday.What a joyous day.

As any little kid would, I adored my birthday. I loved it so much that I demanded my mom to make me cupcakes every day for a week before my actual birthday. I tried to weasel out a gift every day for that week, but of course, she never gave into that. As I got older, however, I began to despise it more and more, to the point where I’d much rather crawl in a hole and die than celebrate my day of birth. It just meant one more year alive – one more year of accomplishing absolutely nothing.

“Great,” I mumbled as I walked away, chewing on the toast.

“Don’t forget about dinner tonight with Mom!” Paul said.

“Yeah, yeah…”

The rest of the day, I couldn’t get my mind off of the dream I had had that morning. The feelings that the dream evoked were so strong that I felt like vomiting whenever I even remotely thought about it. I sat down in my chair at my desk and laid my head down on the cool surface.

“So, a little birdy told me it was your birthday,” Carol, the receptionist of the dentist’s office I worked at, said with a smile. I picked my head up and stared at her, confused.

“Who told you that?”

“Your mother,” she laughed, holding up her small calendar, which, sure enough, said “Macy’s Birthday!” in bright red marker on the space allotted for the 15th of April.

“How did she… Tell you that?” I asked, playing with the ring on my right hand.

“She came in a long time ago for a root canal. You took off that day, if I remember correctly! But we were talking about the family and everything, and she brought it up! How come you never said anything?”

I sighed and replied, “Because I’m not too particularly fond of it.”

“How is that even possible? Everyone loves birthdays!”

“Yeah… Not people who don’t want them,” I mumbled, turning to my computer.

The last birthday I had remembered even remotely liking was when I was in a residential treatment center for my eating disorder – definitely a strange place to enjoy something like that. It was the first time I had eaten anything that contained ingredients I had vowed not to eat, and I was massively proud of myself. All of the other girls who sat around the table with me cheered me on and gave me a hug once I had eaten the whole cupcake – small and store-bought, mind you - only feeling moderately anxious the whole time. It was the first time I had felt like I accomplished something, and it was a major step in the right direction that I would remember forever.

Work ended sooner than I had expected, and as I drove home, my stomach twisted into knots. The upcoming dinner was something that I was not at all looking forward to. One, I hadn’t been out to eat in years, and I had never even heard of the restaurant we were going to, let alone what was on their menu, and two, I hadn’t seen my mom for a month because of her art exhibit in New York that she was away for. I was bound to be bombarded with questions about my trip to Maryland, and I wasn’t at all prepared to answer them, especially after this morning.

“This woman is insane,” Val muttered once I got home and was changing for dinner.

“What did she do now?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

She glared at me and replied, “If this was you, I’m sure you’d be flipping out even more.”

“Oh, I highly doubt I’ll even get married, let alone hire a psycho wedding planner,” I laughed.

“Oh, you’ll get married. You’ll get married even if it’s the last thing I do. I want to be a maid-of-honor.”

I had to stifle a laugh at that. Val was crazy when it came to weddings, and she wanted nothing more than to be someone’s maid-of-honor. I’m sure she dreamed of it so many times – for heaven’s sake, she definitely already planned my own wedding for me. I couldn’t blame her, though – she was an only child who was marrying into a very close family. She was my best friend since the tenth grade, and she was marrying my brother who was everything to me – which explained why I was his “best woman” instead of “best man”.

“Shit, we need to go…” she mumbled, quickly leaving my room.

When we arrived at the restaurant, my heart immediately started racing. My mother was sitting alone at a table in the back, and once she saw us, she got up and rushed over to me, crushing me in a hug.

“Happy birthday, my darling!” she cooed as we rocked back and forth. I forced a laugh and tapped her back lightly.

“Okay, okay. Let’s just eat…” I said softly, taking a seat.

“I hope you like this place,” Paul said, touching my arm softly. His eyes bore into mine, almost pleading with me to refrain from getting angry with him about the food. I shook my head slightly to say that I wasn’t at all mad, even if I was just a bit – it was his idea anyway…

“I feel like I haven’t seen you all in forever!” my mom said as I anxiously glanced down at the menu. My mind was spinning from all the choices available…

“Yeah, I know… I’m really glad you’re home,” Paul said happily, already deciding that he wanted a huge steak.

“Mace, you never told me about your trip to Timonium!”

I had dreaded this moment, and now, looking at an overwhelming menu with overwhelmingly fattening foods, I did not want to talk about it.

“It was… Fine,” I replied shortly, hoping she’d get the point that I didn’t want to discuss it.

“It couldn’t have been just fine! Did you get to see everyone? How’s Kara and Rian doing? And Lisa? Ooh, what about… Oh, what was her name? Jenna?”

I twitched when I heard the name Lisa, and I tried to block out any intruding memory of that night. The fact that Lisa had been my friend in high school is what made it all worse, and here my mother was bringing her up as if it was nothing. Paul reached over and tapped my knee under the table, comforting me slightly.

“They’re all great… Look, I just want to eat, if that’s okay,” I said, which of course was a lie. The last thing I wanted to do was eat.

I decided on a salad with no cheese and no dressing, taking off the chicken that I had decided was “excess”. The night wore on, and soon I was given two envelopes addressed to me that said “Happy birthday, Macy!” on them. I read the first card and then pulled out a simple slip of paper that said “New car!” on it.

“Ha-ha, very funny… We all know I’m carless, why rub it in?” I laughed.

“No!” Paul said with a large grin. “Mom and I put the down payment on that car you wanted!”

“The Honda Accord?! Oh my fucking God, no you didn’t…” I said, a huge smile spreading across my face.

“Happy birthday, Macy!” my mom said enthusiastically, getting up from her chair and throwing her arms around me. “God knows you deserve it.”

By now tears were streaming down my face, I was so excited. My car had conked out on me four months prior, and I relied on everyone else to get me places. I had borrowed Val’s car when I went to Maryland, since she was on a business trip. A new car was just what I was saving up for, and the fact that they had put the down payment on one made me so emotional.

“Thank you, guys,” I mumbled through tears.

“Oh, God… Now I feel like my gift isn’t going to mean anything at all…” Val muttered. I looked down at the second envelope I held in my hand and smiled widely.

“I guarantee you it will,” I said happily.

I eagerly tore open the envelope and took out its contents. In my hand were two concert tickets for Fall Out Boy’s Believers Never Die Part Deux tour, and I immediately started sobbing all over again.

“Val, I fucking love it! Thank you,” I said, hugging her tightly.

She shrugged and replied, “I figured you can cross Fall Out Boy off of your list now!”

“Thank you, Val… That’s so, so thoughtful of you.”

My list comprised of two dozen, if not more, bands that I had always wanted to see in concert, but never got the chance to when I was younger. I had made it when I was in treatment for my eating disorder – as a goal for when I “got better”. The idea stuck though, and the list grew longer and longer over the years. I crossed less than half off already, but there was still a little ways to go. Fall Out Boy was one of the few bands that made the top of the list, and I was more than excited to be able to see them live.

“Guys… I can’t even believe this… Thank you.” I went around the table and hugged each one of them, my tears, no doubt, getting all over their faces and clothes.

Once the dinner was over, my mother said her goodbye in the parking lot and left on her own. Paul, Val, and I went back to our apartment, and Val went to sleep almost immediately, saying she had a headache. I decided to stay up a little longer and went out on the balcony, feeling the cold, mid-April breeze cool my warm cheeks. I lit up a cigarette and sat back in the lounge chair we had out there, taking in the dark, slightly blue sky. The feeling from that morning erupted again when I noticed the ominous color.

“Hey,” Paul said, sitting in the chair beside me. He lit up a cigarette as well and exhaled heavily.

“Hey,” I chirped back, happier than ever.

“So you had a good birthday?”

I nodded in response. “More than good. Thank you, Paul. Really, it meant a lot.”

He waved his hand and said, “Please, it was nothing. You deserve a new fucking car for Christ’s sake. But I actually didn’t come out here to talk to you about that.”

“So… What did you come out to talk to me about?” I asked, confused.

He took a deep breath before replying, “I promised Val I wouldn’t say anything, but there’s no way I couldn’t warn you in advance. She told me you’d be fine, but I know you better than that, and I completely disagree.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Macy, do you know who else is playing on that tour Val gave you tickets for?”

I shook my head no, suddenly scared – should I know? Was it really that important?

“All Time Low.”