All These Things That I've Done

It was the standard Saturday morning rush of college students trying to pick up their required course reading at the local Barnes & Noble. Elaine was trapped behind the counter of the overstuffed chain bookstore watching young children with bright minds and filled wallets traverse back and forth with arms full of printed pages. She rolled her eyes secretly hating them all. It should have been her; but, as fate would have it, college was expensive and unless you were Mozart, you weren’t getting any scholarships to music school.

“Hello?”

She shook her head and saw standing in front of her a young woman with platinum blonde hair. Placed on the wooden counter was the newest reading tablet the store had produced. If they kept this up, Elaine would be out of a job in the next year.

“The guy at the display said I should play for this up here?”

“Right,” she nodded, picking up the box and scanning over the price tag with her scan gun. “That will be $106.98.”

The blonde handed her a credit card which Elaine quickly swiped and returned to her. She gave the girl the greeting card “have a nice day” and a smile so false her cheekbones hurt. The blonde only nodded and sauntered off.

The rest of her day was much like this. There were students buying everything from textbooks to tablets and comic books to cd’s. She really envied all of them in a way. Elaine had just recently graduated from high school, but unlike all of her friends and the rest of her graduating class, she was not going anywhere.

The plan had been the same since she was six. She was going to go to music school and she was going to become a concert pianist. She wanted to study music and to write her own. The plan had been a go until about two years ago. Life is cruel to everyone and Elaine and her mother were no exception to this. Her father had been killed in a car accident leaving their house with her mother’s bare minimum income and funeral costs to boot. Her father’s side of the family had tried to help them back on their feet in anyway they could, but the plan was long gone.

“Hey, you!”

Elaine looked up to see one of her coworkers skipping through the now vacant line. She stepped up to the counter and leaned over it with a coy smile. “Can I help you, Em?” Elaine flatly replied.

The girl smiled and twirled a strand of curly brown hair around her finger. “When is your break because I really want coffee like now.”

Elaine shook her head and turned her attention back to the register. “Not for another hour and I’ll probably just work through it again anyway.”

Em shook her head and slammed her hands flat down on the counter causing Elaine to jump. “This is insane. Do you know what weekend this is?”

Elaine simply shook her head, still refusing to make eye contact.

Em sighed and leaned farther over the counter.“This is college move-in weekend, as in every hot guy is going to be moving in and it’s their first Saturday night away from home. So if you refuse to go get coffee with me now, you’re going out with me tonight.”

Elaine instantly wished she had the cash on her now to go and get coffee because the last thing she wanted to was to “go out”. She wasn’t necessarily the awkward type, but she wasn’t the type to go out and wear flashy clothes and dance with strangers. She pondered over the ultimatum before taking a deep breath. “Do I have a choice?” she mumbled watching Em’s green eyes flash with excitement.

“Nope! I’m picking you up at eight. Look like a fox, though I doubt it will be hard for you not to!” Em gently tapped her on the nose before skipping past the counter and out the door. Her laughter could be heard all the way from the counter leaving Elaine with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

Em was pretty much Elaine’s only friend at this point in time. After graduation, everyone had grouped up depending on which schools they were headed to and who they would be rooming with. Em was essentially in the same boat as her, but in a different way. She’d mostly blown off school and didn’t have the grades to get in anywhere, quite yet. She was now going to a community college in an outlying area of the city which was more than Elaine could say she was doing. Elaine was still living with her Mother trying to save every bit she could in hopes school could maybe appear in her future.

Em returned about an hour later with a giant coffee cup in her hand. She winked as she passed by the counter and sauntered off to her post at customer service. Elaine just grumbled and carried on with her cashier duties trying to ignore the impending sense of doom culminating in her stomach.. The endless droll of boring tasks finally ended for her at five that afternoon. She removed her nametag and passed her register off to a boy named Will who had just started the week before and headed out the door.

Elaine could not have been happier than she was when she entered the bright North Carolina sunshine. It was mid-August and the weather had been perfect. She sincerely couldn’t imagine living in a place that wasn’t Raleigh. She had been born and raised there and considered it the perfect medium. She was close to the coast, but not too far from the mountains. There was a fair amount of countryside but she lived in the city. It was perfect, just like home should be.

She got in her car and began the drive home, turning the radio on to the local college station. She tapped her hands against the steering wheel to the rhythm of the song as she weaved in and out of the five o’clock traffic to make her way home. Her and her mother still lived in the same old house up on the north side of Raleigh. It was a small city house painted bright yellow with white shutters. She always smiled when she pulled in to the driveway and saw her mother’s flowers still growing in the heat.

Elaine collected the mail and stepped in to the house, pleased to be greeted by the rush of cool air. “Hey, Mom. I’m home.”

Her mother stepped down the oak wood staircase and smiled. She was a beautiful woman with strawberry blonde hair and round brown eyes just like Elaine, though she looked aged and tired from the stress of the world.

“How was work, sweetie?”

“It was good,” Elaine shrugged. She placed the mail down on the kitchen table and immediately headed to the fridge. “I think I’m going out with Emma from work tonight,” she said as she poured herself a glass of lemonade.

Her mother nodded and sat down at the table watching her intently. Elaine paused and set the container down and began to eye her mother. Her hair was neatly tied back and she had earrings in her ears. Elaine shook her head and placed the carton back in to the fridge.

“Are you going somewhere too?” she finally asked. She sat down across from her mother and gave her a strange look. Her mother sighed and simply nodded.

“I...I meant to tell you last night, but you got home from work late.” She stared down at her hands and did her best to avoid Elaine’s gaze. “You remember Brian, right?”

Elaine nodded and took a sip of her drink. She also remembered not being very fond of Brian.

“Well, he and I are going to go have dinner tonight. It’s nothing serious, it’s just been...”

“Two years,” Elaine finished the sentence for her. The two sat in a grim silence.

Elaine wasn’t angry at her mother and wasn’t sure she ever could be. It had been an accident, what happened to her father, and her mother had been so loyal and not seen a single person in the two years since his passing. She deserved to move on with her life just as well as Elaine did.

She reached forward and put a hand over her mother’s and met her with a warm smile. “Go and have fun tonight, ok? Tell Brian I said hello and if he doesn’t show you a good time, lie and say I know where he lives.”

Her mother chuckled and squeezed her hand a little bit tighter. “You’re perfect, Lainey. And you have a good time tonight too, ok? You and Emma be safe.”

“We will,” Elaine nodded as she rose from the table. She gave her mother a squeeze on the shoulder before passing out of the kitchen and into her bedroom It was the same room at the top of the house that she had lived in since she was a little girl. It was a small space that was technically supposed to be an attic, but her parents had loved the house so much, they turned it into a bedroom for their only child.

Elaine collapsed on to her bed face first. She buried her face deep in to the fresh cotton of her white duvet. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go out, it was so much more than that. Elaine liked people to a certain extent, but she didn’t like them when she was with Em.

Em was the epitome of perfection, at least in Elaine’s eyes. She was short and petite with a huge chest, curly hair and bright green eyes that every man believed screamed ‘sex’. She was a people person to boot which made it that much worse. She always wanted to be surrounded by people who would adore her and hang on to her every word. She’d sort of adopted Elaine after believing she was “too nice” and “needed to get out more”.

Elaine pushed herself off of her bed and stood in front of the floor length mirror by her window. She was of average height but her body was much too skinny to be proportional. Her limbs were too long and she couldn’t gain weight it she ate Five Guys every day of her life. Girls constantly talked about how much they envied her, but it was more of a curse than they realized. She had no breasts and surprisingly, this did not attract the boys. Not to mention that every square inch of her skin was covered in freckles. She had naturally blonde hair with a bit of a red tint and insanely fair skin. She was pretty much the exact opposite of Em which made it easy for boys to avoid her and go straight for Em.

She took the four steps across her small room to get her wardrobe and opened it up to the small collection of nice clothes she owned. Most of her evening dresses were gifts from her mother or just her mother’s old hand-me-downs. Elaine had always noticed there was something else she needed more in her life than clothes so her choices were becoming more and more limited. She sifted through the assorted fabrics before deciding on an aqua colored dress her mother had bought for her last year. It had a jeweled neck and flowed straight down across her body.

By the time she had showered, gotten changed and caked on enough makeup to feel presentable, her mother had already left and Em was ringing the doorbell. She made her way down the stairs and opened the door to only feel her confidence sink. Em was dolled up in a black mini-dress with a pair of glittered high heels. Her hair was pulled up to show off her neck. “Ready?”

Elaine swallowed the lump in her throat and tried not to glance down at her own body and compare it to Em’s. Instead, she just nodded and grabbed her things.

The nighttime air felt perfect against Elaine’s freckled skin. It was warm and humid, but a cool breeze kept blowing to keep the temperature at a perfect seventy degrees. Every star could be seen against the inky blue sky making the night feel like a scene from a movie. Em was driving her father’s car, a Mustang, as per usual so she could drive with the top down. It was good news for their enjoyment level, but bad news for their hair.

“So I was thinking about going to this bar in North Hills?” Em said as she climbed into the driver's seat. Elaine sat down next to her and tossed her jacket and bag into the back seat.

“That’s fine with me,” she shrugged. Em gave her a wide grin and nodded.

“Good, because literally the hottest guys ever live out there,” she said as she backed out of the driveway and headed down the street.

“Em, I’m not really looking for...well...that...” Elaine quickly reminded her. Em simply shook her head and laughed.

“You’re not still a virgin, are you?” She was only met with silence. Em tore her eyes from the road momentarily to give Elaine a shocked look. “Shut the fuck up...”

“Hey!” Elaine quickly snapped. “There isn’t anything wrong with it. I just...haven’t met the right person yet...”

“You’re 18 and out of high school. What are you waiting for? Marriage?”

“No!” Elaine sighed and stared out at the passing scenery. “I don’t know...it’s weird...”

“Yeah, I’ll say,” Em snorted. Elaine rolled her eyes and Em burst out into laughter. “Oh man, you’ve got to fix that.”

“Shut up.”

The two finished out the ride in silence, though Elaine wasn’t mad at Em. She didn’t exactly expect her to understand what she was thinking about every single question she asked. She had just never met the right person she had wanted to have that connection with. She hadn’t even gotten her first kiss until she was 16 and her first boyfriend until last year. Given, it only lasted for a few months and that was the extent of her boy experience. She wasn’t planning on losing her virginity anytime soon.

Moments later, the two pulled up to a busy bar in a little part of town called North Hills. It was the richer side of Raleigh filled with housewives with too much money to spend and Class A douchebags. Elaine couldn’t fathom for the life of her just why Em had wanted to come out here. The parking lot was filled with expensive cars and overdressed girls pressed against these cars by older men.

A young man in a valet’s uniform opened the passenger’s door for Elaine. She smiled and watched as he hurried over to open Em’s door. His reaction was much different for Em than it was for her. His eyes immediately shot down to her breasts and then up to her face as she flirtatiously tossed him the keys.

“Is there any guy in the world that doesn’t want to fuck you senseless?” Elaine asked when Em finally met her at the door. Em just gave her a coy smile as the two stepped past the bouncer and into the bar.

If it had been hectic outside, it was nearly triple that inside of the building. The music blared out of the speakers and across the room with bright lights pulsating along to the beat. Em instantly found her prey for the night and left Elaine standing by the doorway. She felt her stomach tighten as she knew this was going to happen.

She made her way through several of the crowds before managing to find the terrace. There was a much less crowded bar with only a few people sitting out there. There was a couple, clearly so into each other they had no clue where they were, and an older man trying desperately with a young redhead. After deciding sitting next to either one of these couples was a bad idea, she settled on taking the seat next to a young man with brown hair who was not nearly old enough to be drinking. She took a deep breath and sat down next to him without even asking.

“What can I get for you tonight, ma’am?” the bartender asked as she sat down on the stool.

“Uh, just a water please,” she stumbled nervously.

“You sure?”

She nodded sheepishly. “I’m not old enough to drink yet.”

The bartender shrugged and put the glass he had been cleaning down onto the counter. “Consider it a gift. I did the same thing for him,” he said motioning for the boy she had sat down next to. He gave her a shy smile with the whitest teeth she’d ever seen and dimple that made him look too young to even be in a bar.

“I’ll have a jack and coke then.” she said. He gave her a smile and headed off to make the drink.

“So what would bring you to a bar if you’re under 21?” She looked up to see the boy was asking her this. He had handsome chocolate eyes that were feigning confidence and hoping she wouldn’t notice. Fun for her, Elaine was pretty good at reading people.

“I’m out with a friend. This is mostly her thing. I’m just tagging along.” The bartender returned and handed her the drink. She took a sip and placed it back down on the bar. “Besides, I could ask you the same thing.”

“Same situation as you,” he shrugged. He picked up the beer he was drinking and smiled. “I’m not very good with people, can you tell?”

“No not at all,” she replied sarcastically and then instantly laughed. He responded with a chuckle of his own. “I’m Elaine,” she said when he had finished his drink.

“Jeff.”

The two shook hands, something Elaine was almost certain no one did anymore, and then sunk into the regular bar conversation. Elaine quickly learned that Jeff was from Ontario and was in the States because of his job, though he wouldn’t tell her what. He was 19 and an introvert, much like herself.

“And what about you?” he asked when he had finished his standard introduction.

“No, I’m really boring,” she laughed pushing her empty glass to the edge of the bar.

He shook his head and smiled. “I doubt that.”

“Well, I’m from here. Uh, I live here still, obviously. I’m 18 and I work in a bookstore and yeah...that’s it...” She let her voice trail off as she began to realize how exponentially boring she was in comparison to him. Jeff had hardly told her anything about his life and it was already vastly more eventful than her own.

“You’re not boring,” he said shaking his head. “Boring is that girl over there.” With his free hand not holding his drink, he pointed to a girl with dark curls dancing against an older man. It took Elaine a moment, but she realized that he was pointing at Em. She didn’t want to be offended and tell him so, because then he wouldn’t tell her what he was thinking, which incidentally, she actually cared about more than Em’s feelings.

“Why do you think she’s boring?” Elaine finally decided to ask, trying to mask that she knew who it was. “She’s really pretty and well she doesn’t look boring or anything.”

“She’s just your average bar girl,” he shrugged, taking another sip of his drink. “Unfortunately, I go out a lot and I see those girls all the time. They try so hard to stand out just to meet someone to go home with.”

“I don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head. “How does that make her boring?”

“Because this is her life.” He turned around to face the bar again and Elaine followed suit. “She doesn’t have any interests aside from men, and being with men. Her conversation probably extends to “will you call me?” or “that was great”. I think it’s sad.”

Every gut reaction Elaine had ever had wanted her to be angry. She wanted to call him pretentious and tell him that Em was her friend and storm out of the bar; but in reality, he had a point. She had become friends with Em because she was the only person at work around the same age as her and had always invited her to go out. Now that she thought of it, the two had never discussed anything other than boys or other superficial wares.

“How do you know I’m not like that?” Elaine continued the questionnaire as her tiny revelation had increased her interest in Jeff that much more.

He laughed and gave her another bright smile. “Numerous reasons. Number one, you’re sitting at the bar which means you don’t dance. Number two, you’re outside which means that a, you don’t like noise, and b, you don’t want anyone to ask you to dance. Number three, you sat down next to me, the most socially awkward person in the bar aside from you.”

“Ok, Sherlock Holmes, “ she snorted before turning back to her freshly filled glass. He laughed even louder at that.

“And a pop culture reference which means number four, you like things.”

Elaine stopped at this and felt herself soften. He was a listener, something that was a rare to find. All of the things he had picked up on and she hadn’t told him. He found her interesting enough to watch and interesting enough to listen. There was the connection.

“I want to talk to you more and not in a loud bar,” she said taking the final sip of her drink. She felt her hands shaking as it was the first time she’d ever even remotely tried something like this.

“You mean, you want me to take you home?” He looked a little taken aback, but realized how serious she was when she nodded yes. He fished his wallet out of his jeans and placed two twenties on the table for both of their drinks. “Are you sure?”

Elaine took another glance over at Em dancing against an array of boys on the outdoor dance floor and nodded. “I’m sure.”

"She's your friend, isn't she?" Jeff asked. He had followed her line of vision across the terrace and Elaine nodded and sighed.

"Yeah, I came here with her." Jeff put a hand on her shoulder in sort of a soft reassuring way, like he understood just what she felt. He wasn’t much taller than her, but she still had to look up at him. He gave her a sympathetic look and then guided her through the terrace, the busy bar, and out the door.

The valet nodded as soon as he and Jeff made eye contact and headed off into the parking lot. He arrived moments later driving a brand new black Tahoe. Elaine suddenly realized that whatever job had Jeff come down to the States for and that he wouldn’t talk about must have been paying big.

The valet handed Jeff the keys and smiled. “Have a good evening, Mr. Skinner.”

Jeff nodded and opened the passenger’s side door for Elaine. She had to step up to get into the car and fumbled a little bit in trying to do so. In the short time it took him to close the door and travel to the driver’s side, she allowed herself to have a minor panic attack. Would Em notice she was gone? Would her mother come home and wonder where she was? Importantly, who the fuck was this guy and was this a good idea?

She regained her composure and watched as he climbed into the driver’s side with ease and started the car. The radio started up on the country station which Elaine instantly reached over and turned off without thinking. He pretended to give her a stern look and then just laughed. She felt her face turn pink as she turned the radio back on and decided to just search for a new station.

“Not a country music fan I’m going to guess,” he said as she scanned over bits and pieces of every genre of music under the sun.

“Not really. I like some older country. You know like Willie Nelson and all that, just not as much the newer stuff.”

Jeff nodded and reached over to the radio without taking his eyes off the road. He handed her an ipod cord that connected to the radio. In a lapse of impulsiveness, Elaine had spent her first paycheck on an iphone. She figured if she wasn’t going to get a laptop for college or anything like that she could buy herself one small gadget to use.

She plugged in her phone and began to scroll through the artists. “Ok, pick something because I’m literally the worst decision maker ever.”

“I doubt that,” he chuckled. “I’m pretty bad myself.” He tapped at the steering wheel in thought before finally making a choice. “Play me something I’ve never heard before,” he decided.

“That shouldn’t be too hard if you listen to mainstream country,” she chuckled. “And don’t say I’m being pretentious because you were at the bar and I’m still talking to you.”

He shook his head and fake threw his hands up in defeat before quickly putting them back on the wheel. “Speaking of which, is your friend going to be ok that you left?”

“She’ll be fine,” Elaine mumbled trying not to think about Em. She didn’t want to be reminded of her stupid revelation or anything at all for that matter. She just wanted to have a night of no regrets and go home with a boy who was very rich and also foreign.

Jeff caught the shortness in her response and instantly changed the subject as the car pulled up to a red light. “So, music wise, what have you decided on?”

“Have you ever heard of Elliot Smith?” Elaine asked finally breaking the gaze from her phone. Jeff looked different in the dark with the dim red glow of the traffic light playing across his face. Elaine had always expected that boys who took girls home from bars had creepy crooked smiles and sweated to much, but Jeff’s features had only become softer in the moonlight.

“Not at all,” he said with the same short laugh he’d been using all night.

“Figured as much,” she mused. She pressed the play button and the soft melody of the acoustic guitar began to fill the spacious vehicle. “Ok, this song is called Angeles and...well, yeah I’d say it’s one of my favorite songs of all time.”

As the tune carried on, Elaine watched Jeff’s reaction for the short three minutes. He seemed to be more focused on the road, but when the melody faded out, he smiled. “I liked it.”

“Then maybe I can forget the radio incident,” Elaine teased. He shook his head as he turned the car into a set of apartments that weren’t really that far from the bar. They were breathtakingly beautiful with a set of expensive cars similar to Jeff’s in the parking lot. He pulled into the valet’s circle and let the older man open the door for Elaine. He greeted her with a warm smile and took her hand to allow her to step more elegantly out of the car.

“Welcome home, Mr. Skinner,” he said as Jeff circled around the car and handed him the keys.

“Hey, Mr. Willis. This is my friend Elaine,” he said with a smile. It was the way he introduced her that made her laugh. He didn’t try to cloak her and pretend he wasn’t bringing a girl home. He even addressed her as a friend though he had only met her a few hours ago. Jeff was becoming increasingly peculiar as the night when on, but Elaine could not say that she minded.

“It is a pleasure, Miss Elaine,” Mr. Willis said. He shook her hand again before Jeff put his hand on the small of her back and guided her into the complex.

The lobby of the apartments looked almost like the fancy hotels Elaine had always seen on television. Her family had never been much in to travelling and the extent of her hotel visits were usually Days Inn’s when the relatives she went to visit didn’t have a bed for her or her mother to sleep on. The lobby was painted a warm sand color with a parquet floor shiny enough to see your reflection. The ceiling was high and arched with several elaborate chandeliers. It was hard to believe that anyone lived here, let alone a 19 year old.

He continued to guide her along to the elevators where he punched in the number for floor eleven. “It’s a lot to take in, eh?”

She had been so overcome by the sheer exuberance of the lobby that she hadn’t even noticed he was speaking to her. “It’s...it’s incredible.”

“It took me awhile to get used to it,” he shrugged. He rubbed at the back of his neck nervously and sighed. “I still don’t think I’m used to it really.”

The elevator doors opened to an elaborate hallway, though not as impressive as the lobby. Elaine retrieved her phone from her pocket to check the time and realized it was only about ten o’clock. She hadn’t expected it to be very late, but the hallway was certainly very empty for a saturday night. “Where is everyone?”

“I went out with the guys on this floor so most of them are probably still at the bar,” he shrugged. He pulled his key out of his jacket pocket and unlocked the door. He held it open for Elaine and allowed her to enter first.

For a second, she felt a pang of pure panic run through her body. She suddenly became increasingly paranoid that she had just come home with a drug dealer (hence why he had all the money and would not tell her about his job) and that she was going to die; but when the door closed behind him and the light switch came on, she realized he was not dangerous at all.

The apartment was spacious, but not very heavily decorated. There was a small living room set up with a leather sofa, a few armchairs and an excessively large flat screen tv. The room connected to a small kitchen nook by bar with a few stools and there was a glass sliding door that led to a small porch. “I know it’s kind of boring, but I don’t really spend a lot of time here,” he said.

“Are you going to tell me your job now that we’ve kind of crossed the line between acquaintances?” Elaine asked as she slid out of her own jacket and handed it to Jeff. She heard him sigh as he draped the material over the arm of the sofa and took a seat.

“It’s complicated,” he mumbled. Elaine took the seat next to him and tucked her long legs underneath her body. She sat close enough to him that she could easily read his body language, but still not enough to make it seem romantic.

“How so?” she asked. Elaine was studying every angle of his face at this point, seeing if he would drop some hint as to what he was hiding or if he was just trying to be mysterious because he thought girls liked that. He hardly seemed the type.

“Because it makes spending time with nice girls really complicated and awkward,” he finally said with a heavy sigh.

“You think I’m nice?” Elaine grinned. She hadn’t really heard much after that. He laughed and pushed himself off the sofa and towards the kitchen.

“Yes, I think you’re nice. Would you like a drink?” he asked. Elaine nodded and watched as he pulled a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator and poured two glasses. He headed back into the living area and handed her a glass before taking his seat again. “Do you know what I think is interesting though?” he said after taking his first sip of wine.

“What?” she asked, slightly raising an eyebrow in question.

“That you don’t know who I am.”

Elaine knitted her brows together and took another second to scan over his face. She was a pop culture junkie and she had excellent memory, but this guys face was drawing up a complete blank. She scanned his features again before shaking her head. “I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

Jeff laughed and took another sip of wine. “Well that makes it easier.”

“Are you normally this cryptic and talkative or is this alcohol?” she laughed taking a sip out of her own glass.

“It’s the alcohol,” he chuckled taking another sip. “But, I can assure you that I normally never drink this much.”

“So what’s the special occasion?” Elaine asked. She took another sip and shifted her body a little bit closer to his. He invited the action and repositioned his own frame nearer to hers. It wasn’t a romantic advance, at least in her eyes it wasn’t.

Now that she was sitting in his apartment drinking wine with him, Elaine finally allowed herself to question just why she was here. Did she want to sleep with this guy? Or was she just here to piss Em off? But he was nice and didn’t seem like a creep and they were close enough now that she could see his chest rising and falling in the most comforting way.

It’s strange how life can change in an absolute instant; how Elaine missing her father every morning when she woke up wrecked every relationship she had. It was strange how not being able to go to college had made her forge only shallow and minute relationships and how in the past two years she hadn’t been able to bring herself to care about anything. Yet here was this guy she knew nothing about who took her home and in the instant he told her she wasn’t boring and he let her choose the music in his car, life had taken a one hundred and eighty degree turn again.

Going home with Jeff had been impulsive enough for her, but in an instant, she decided to push the boundaries just a little bit more. She took a slender hand and delicately snaked it against the back of his neck and into his soft brown curls. “Not that i’m not interested or anything, but is it ok if I kiss you?”

It took Jeff a solid ten seconds to register the sudden advance. With his lips slightly parted, he nodded and allowed Elaine close the gap in between them. She wasn’t forceful or passionate, it was just a simple press of skin against skin. She pulled away after only a few seconds and immediately returned to her glass and took a giant sip. “Sorry, that’s embarrassing,” she said with a nervous laugh.

Jeff shook his head and smiled. “Not, it’s ok, really. I like you.”

“You also don’t know me.”

“You don’t know me either.”

It was Jeff this time who made the advance. He reached down and placed his own glass on to the coffee table. As his body shifted back, he extended a hand to brush across the side of Elaine’s face. He held it there momentarily, making sure that she was comfortable with his movement, and then pressed his lips against hers.

It wasn’t as innocent as it was the first time. Jeff continued to move his lips against hers in a more feverish fashion than before. He placed his hands against her hips and pulled her forward so that her legs were on either side of his. She broke the kiss and pressed her forehead against his in an effort to catch her breath.

“Is...is this ok?” he hesitantly asked. She slowly nodded before giving him a soft reassuring peck on the lips.

He met her lips again in the same passion as before. She let her hands drift up and relax against his neck and their hips pressed against each other. He broke away and began to trail kisses against her jaw and down her neck. She felt herself growing more uneasy as he began to slide the thin straps of her dress off of her shoulders and down her chest so that it bunched up around her waist.

He caught wind of her nerves and instantly backed off. “We don’t have to...”

“No,” she instantly responded. “I’m just...a little self conscious,” she sheepishly admitted. He began to laugh and shake his head in disbelief.

“I find that really hard to believe. You’re...incredible.”

The way he said it felt genuine to her; like he wasn’t just saying it because her body was so close to his she could feel his heart beating. She let her hands trail down from his neck across his chest. She pulled the soft cotton of the t-shirt he was wearing up over his body and grinned at what it had been covering.

“Well you’re pretty toned for a businessman,” she chuckled as she tossed the t-shirt to the floor.

“I never said I was a businessman,” he simply replied. She only laughed harder at this and kissed him again.

It continued like this for what seemed like forever; skin against skin and lips crashing passionately against one another. Elaine would have been fine to just keep it like that, but she began to feel Jeff’s movements become more strained and she could tell he wanted to go further.

Her hands dropped down to the waist of his jeans and she nervously began to undo the leather belt tightened around his waist.

“Are you sure?”

She looked up and locked her gaze with his. He still held the same genuine expression that he had before, like he would almost give up having sex with her if she didn’t feel comfortable.

Elaine hadn’t exactly imagined losing her virginity to be some big romantic moment with rose petals or a jazz band. To her, it was just something that had to be done so that she could enjoy the rest of her young adult years. How it happened, she didn’t really care as long as she felt some sort of connection to the person, which she clearly felt with Jeff.

It had been awkward, naturally, not that Jeff didn’t try everything in his power to make it not. He was soft and gentle and slowed down when she asked, but the second it was over, Elaine instantly felt a sick feeling in her stomach. She stood and collected her clothes from the floor with shaking hands, trying to pretend that this was completely normal for her; though in her mind, it had been a mistake and she was now beginning to realize it.

“It was your first time wasn’t it?”

She was taken aback when she heard his voice. She turned to face Jeff who was wearing a genuine apologetic expression across his face. “I’m sorry I didn’t...”

“No, it’s ok,” Elaine replied trying to smile. She didn’t want him to feel bad about it. It was her own mistake. He had asked her if it was what she wanted numerous times and she had agreed. She could have stopped at anytime she wanted and he would have been fine, but she didn’t. That was her choice.

“Look, if you want,” he started, handing her her dress. “You can stay here for the night. You know, if you don’t want to call you friend or anything. I understand.”

Elaine paused and began to think the choice over. The last thing she wanted was to have Em pick her up and grill her for details. She didn’t want to talk about it all.

“That would be great,” she finally said, awkwardly holding her dress in her hand. She crossed her arms over her body in an attempt to hide it, though it didn’t matter now. Jeff took one look at her and gave a half hearted laugh, one that was much different from the bright chuckles he’d been giving her earlier.

“I’ll go get you some clothes.”

___

The second Jeff let his bedroom door close behind him, he broke. He had collected his phone from the jeans that had been tossed across the room and with shaking hands, he searched fervently through his contacts for the most responsible person he could find. He stopped on the name Eric Staal.

He felt his heart sinking deeper and deeper every time he heard the dial tone. He became so focused on the methodical ringing that he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a voice on the other line.

“This better be really important.”

Jeff hadn’t registered how close to tears he was until he tried to speak. His voice caught in his throat and his face became hot as he tried desperately to choke out words. “I...fucked up...big time.”

He couldn’t see, but he knew that Eric had just sat up in bed with the same worried look that he always got. “What happened and where are you?”

Jeff took a few deep breaths and finally began to feel himself regaining his composure, at least enough to be able to speak. “I’m at the apartment...and I’m ok...well I think I am...”

“Skinner, what did you do?”

Jeff took a deep breath and decided if he didn’t say it now, he never would. “The condom broke. I was having sex with this girl...and it broke.”

He was met with silence on the other line which he had expected. He felt his stomach sinking further as he waited for Eric’s response.

“Is she on the pill?”

Jeff shook his head and gave a heavy sigh. “No...she was a virgin.”

“Fuck,” he heard Eric mumble on the other end of the line. Jeff sighed and let his body sink against the wall. He couldn’t remember being in such a frenzy since at least a year ago. His head was spinning and he could feel his stomach lurching.

“Does she know it broke?” Eric finally said, breaking the thick silence.

Jeff bit his lip and tried to choke out a reply. “No.”

“Goddamnit, Jeff. You’ve got some serious damage control to do.” Jeff could hear in his voice that Eric was far past angry. He didn’t blame him though.

“I know...” Jeff finally managed to reply.

“No, I don’t think you do.” The anger in Eric’s voice continued to rise as the gravity of the situation began to sink in. “You’re 19 years old and I’m going to go ahead and take a stab in the dark and say she’s the same age. You’re too young to ruin your life like this.”

“Then what do I do?” Jeff had reached the frantic level now. He was at a loss of any remote idea of what to do. “I just...this has never happened before...and I don’t know what to do.”

Eric’s voice became calmer as he realized that being angry was just upsetting Jeff more. He needed a calm and rational opinion as to what to do. “First, you need to tell her it broke,” he started. “Second, she needs to get the morning after pill. You pay for it since it’s your fault.”

Jeff nodded in understanding though he knew Eric couldn’t see. He was certain that his silence spoke for itself. “Thank you.”

“Get it fixed, Rookie.”

“I will.”

The line went dead and Jeff took another few deep breaths before searching through his chest of drawers for a t-shirt that Elaine could wear. He double checked himself in the mirror to make sure he looked calm before stepping back out into the living room.

Any composure he had managed to regain completely flew out the door when entered the room. Elaine was seated on the couch, her dress still in her hands, crying.

Jeff felt his stomach drop as he rushed forward and put his arms around her. She didn't fight him off, but instead let herself collapse against his bare chest. "I...I don't know why I'm so upset," she mumbled, her face still pressed against his warm skin.

"No, it's ok, really" Jeff put his arm around her waist and pulled her tighter against himself. His stomach only continued to sink as he remembered the news he was going to have to break to her. If she was this upset now, he couldn't tell her. It would only make it that much worse.

Elaine finally untangled her limbs from his and slid the T-shirt he had been holding over her body. She wiped her face before looking at Jeff and beginning to laugh. "I can guarantee you've never had sex with a girl who's as much of an emotional wreck as I am."

"No," Jeff replied with a laugh off his own. "But you're certainly the most genuine I ever had."

He ran his fingers through her hair in a soothing manner and pressed his lips against her exposed forehead. Her face flushed pink and she laughed again. "Thank you."

Jeff smiled and kissed her again, hoping that somehow he could ease the troubled feelings she was having. It wasn’t much, but he liked her quite a bit and did not want to see her upset. "You can sleep in my room,” he said standing up. “It's probably a lot more comfortable than the couch."

She nodded and allowed him to show her the way to his bedroom. He held his hand on the small of her back the entire time he guided her, partially because he was afraid she might pass out, but also because he just enjoyed the contact with her.

It was stupid, really, how caught up in a girl he could be so quickly. People flowed in and out of his life so often that when he met someone whose company he enjoyed, even if it was for a night, he wanted to make the most of it. He hardly knew Elaine, but he liked her. She was sweet and she didn’t push things. She also didn’t ask questions which was a huge bonus. As he mentally went through the list of things he liked, his stomach began to sink when he realized he hadn’t told her yet.

He watched as she sat on the edge of the bed, seeming quite a bit calmer than before, though still a little shaken. He took a deep breath and sat down next to her deciding it was now or never. As he opened his mouth, he glanced down into her eyes and felt every bit of confidence leave him.

He couldn’t do it. She was still upset and he knew it, and this would only be worse for her. What were the chances she could get pregnant anyway? Besides he doubted that after this she would ever want to see him again. So let her handle it on her own if anything happens, he reasoned to himself. She would probably know what to do better than him.

“Are you ok?” she asked, noticing that he was having a small mental war with himself. He just shook his head and sighed.

“I’m fine. Do you need anything?”

She hesitated for a second and then nodded. “I know it’s stupid...but would you stay? I don’t really want to be alone.”

It was comforting to hear. For once in his life, he just felt normal, like someone who didn’t know just wanted for him to stay. He nodded and smiled as the two crawled under the sheets, limbs tangled again in the most delicate way.