All These Things That I've Done

Elaine did not have the slightest idea where she was when she woke up the next morning. It took her a few minutes to remember the bar, the drive and then the rest. It was still just a mess to her and the memories were now just accompanied by a blaring headache. She looked up and saw Jeff still fast asleep, her head still resting on his soft chest. The morning sun was beginning to stream through the bright window signaling that it was time for her to leave.

Careful not to wake him, Elaine gently slid out from underneath the warm covers. She tucked the comforter back around Jeff’s bare chest and changed from his t-shirt back into her dress from the night before. She folded the soft cotton and placed it on his dresser with a note from on the back of a receipt she had found. Went home. I’m ok. - E

As she was turning to leave the room she heard the harsh sound of plastic vibrating against wood. She glanced over to see Jeff’s cell phone ringing wildly on top of the dresser. He was still fast asleep, completely oblivious to what was happening. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she glanced at the blaring number. The name Eric Staal was in illuminated in bright letters. When the call ended, she could see that this person had called almost nine times.

She glanced back over at the still sleeping Jeff and decided it was best not to wake him. She’d ruined his night enough that she decided it would be rude of her to not let him sleep it off. Whoever was calling, she was sure, could wait.

Elaine went into the living room and collected her coat and bag. The neon letters on the kitchen stove read 9:00 telling her that it was indeed too early to wake Jeff up like she had thought. Being so early, she sincerely doubted Em was awake to come pick her up. She glanced down at her own cell phone to see she didn’t have any missed calls, a fact that did not shock her. She would have been more surprised if Em had called. She shrugged her shoulders and slipped into her jacket. She remembered seeing a front desk in the lobby and became certain they could call her a cab.

After making sure she had all of her things, Elaine quietly crept out of the apartment. She was stopped dead, however, when she opened the apartment door and saw someone standing there, cell phone in hand. He was much taller than her and appeared to be in about his mid-twenties. He was lean but muscular and wore a slightly annoyed expression on his face.

Elaine instantly felt all of the heat rise to her face as she stepped into the hallway and cracked the apartment door behind her. “Um...I...I...was...I was just leaving...” she sheepishly mumbled, trying to to cover her face.

The man nodded before sidestepping past her and into the apartment without saying a word. Elaine rushed for the elevator not wanting to hear the confrontation that was going to take place. She had no clue who he was, but she could safely assume it was the man who had been calling Jeff all morning judging by the irritated expression on his face.

When she got down to the lobby, she headed to the desk and asked if they could call her a cab. She had enough cash that she could make it home fine and not have to call her mother. The woman was nice and told her to wait outside and Elaine thanked her profusely.

It wasn’t until she had stepped out of the building and into the bright sunlight that Elaine realized she had left something slightly important in Jeff’s apartment, her shoes. She glanced down at her bare feet against the heated pavement and lightly chuckled to herself. It would only happen to her.

She didn’t have to wait long for the cab driver to arrive, and thankfully no one passing by while she waited noticed that she was barefoot. She rattled off the street address to the driver as she climbed into the cab, happy to be finally leaving the memory of last night behind. She rolled down the window and let the fresh summer air rush against her face to clear her mind. Raleigh looked beautiful glistening in the morning summer sun, a scene that eased her mind more than anything could.

She paid her fare and thanked the cab driver as she walked barefoot up the driveway to her house. She wasn’t at all shocked when she realized her mother wasn’t even home. The house looked the same as she had left it, though somehow she wished it wasn’t so empty. She made herself a fresh breakfast and ate alone on the front porch, still in the dress from last night.

It was only then that she let her mind wander back to last night. She hadn’t left Jeff her number, since she assumed he didn’t want to speak to her again after what a mess she was, but now she kind of wished she had. It was solely for the reason that she wanted her shoes back though.

After finishing her breakfast and finally showering and changing, she decided it was time to face the inevitable and finally call Em. It was about noon now, and if Em wasn’t awake, she was never going to be. As she went to her contacts list to find her number, she stopped when she saw a new name on the list. Jeff Skinner was now listed in her contacts though she didn’t remember adding it herself. He must have slipped his number into her phone when she was preoccupied.

She suddenly began to dance around the idea on if she should call him or not. It would be just for her shoes however she continued to repeat to herself. Elaine just shook her head and decided against it. She scrolled back up to Em’s number and plopped down onto the couch as the phone began to ring.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me,” Elaine said when she heard the familiar voice on the other end.

“Oh hey there,” Em replied in a jokingly seductive voice. “I certainly did not see you when I left last night. Who was the lucky fella’?”

Elaine just laughed and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I just wanted to let you know I got home ok and everything.”

“Well it’s good to know you aren’t dead,” Em continued to tease. Elaine only sighed and let the comments roll off her back. She had learned by now to never take anything Em said seriously.

She heard the familiar sound of the key being placed in the front door and instantly bolted up off the couch. “Hey, Em, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you at work.”

She turned just as she saw her mother coming through the front door looking just as tired and haggard as Elaine had that morning. She seemed taken aback when she saw Elaine standing in the living room, but gave her a smile as she placed her bag next to the door. “Well I didn’t expect to see you here,” her mother said as she entered the living room to sit down on the sofa.

“Yeah, Em and I got home late so I slept at her place. I just got home a little while ago.”

Elaine breathed a sigh of relief as her mother only nodded, barely paying attention to the conversation. Elaine was a terrible liar, something her mother had always been able to pick up on; however, now she just appeared to be in a haze where she was more preoccupied with taking off her shoes than listening to her daughter. Elaine sat back down on the couch next to her and sighed.

“Mom, are you ok?”

“Mhm,” was her only reply. Elaine just shook her head and continued to press the issue.

“No, you’re never this quiet and you never come home this late.”

Elaine liked to consider herself a pretty simple person. She didn’t hide her emotions and she always said what was on her mind. Her life was like an open-book and if anyone asked questions, she was happy to fill them in; but living with that mentality made her biggest pet peeve one thing, secrets. Since it had only been her and her mother for the past two years, the two had become incredible at reading each other, and now Elaine could tell clear as day that her mother was not telling her something.

“Lainey,” he mother started once she had finally kicked off her shoes. “I love you dearly and everything I do, I do for a reason. You know that don’t you?”

Elaine began to feel her stomach sink as she listened to her mother’s words. This was not going to be a conversation she wanted to have at all.

“I’ve been seeing Brian for a while,” her mother said with a sigh. “I...I didn’t want to tell you yet because I didn’t think you were ready.”

“So you decided to keep it from me?” Elaine’s temper began to boil as she listened to her mother. It was just the two of them and somehow her mother thought it would be a good idea to keep something from her? Her hands began to shake and she pushed herself off of the couch.

“Elaine, wait, I want to talk about this,” her mother pleaded, her voice as calm as always.

“Why? Why now?”

Her mother sighed again and shook her head. She patted the cotton cushion next to her and gestured for Elaine to sit back down. She finally conceded and took her seat again next to her mother.

“I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me too. It’s just...Brian got a job offer in Wilmington...and he asked me to go with him.”

An uncomfortable silence settled into the living room as Elaine began to register her mother’s words. She was talking about leaving. She was talking about leaving her.

“I haven’t told him anything yet, but I am thinking. Elaine, you’re eighteen and an adult. It’s time you started thinking about being on your own...”

“I’m eighteen!” Elaine was furious at this point. Her stomach was in knots and she could feel her throat tightening. “I’m only eighteen. I graduated from high school three months ago and you’re expecting me to go out in the world all by myself.”

“Elaine, calm down,” her mother replied with agitation in her own voice. “And yes, I at least expect you to be thinking about this. What about all your friends? They’re off on their own at school. Just because you aren’t...”

“Don’t you dare bring that up. That is not my fault.” Elaine had lost her ability to hold back her tears at this point. Her eyes began to burn as she felt the tears running down her face.

“I know it isn’t,” her mother said trying desperately to keep her calm. She put an arm around her and pulled her close. “I never said it was.”

Elaine nodded as she wiped at her eyes. Her mother had a valid point, it had just become one she didn’t want to hear. Her mother had become her crutch for the past two years. She had come to rely on her financially and emotionally, but did she want to do that for the rest of her life?

“You know we’re just hurting ourselves staying in this house,” her mother continued, her voice much more softened and pained than before.

Elaine nodded again. “...is this what you think Dad would want?”

Her mother was silent at this. Her hands began to gently run through Elaine’s hair as she took a deep breath. “I really don’t know, Lainey. I don’t know.”

The two agreed to not talk about the living situation until they could all talk about it together, Brian included. The thought made Elaine sick still, even if she understood why her mother thought it would be good for her. It just hardly seemed fair.

Elaine had never understood the effects of her father’s passing until now. The financial situation had been one thing, but the emotional wounds had been left open and unattended. Seeing Elaine everyday and feeling like she failed her by not having the money to send her to school was killing her mother. Elaine wasn’t angry at her, but her mother still felt like she let her down.

“You should be starting your own life,” her mother would say every time Elaine came home from work. “You shouldn’t be suffering like this.”

The truth was, Elaine wasn’t ready to start her own life. She laid in bed every morning and just wished that she could be back in high school, that she didn’t have to worry about taxes or about anything. Things had started to get worse a few weeks later.

It was the last week in September and the North Carolina summer was finally beginning to cool down. Elaine woke up to an empty house as her mother had jetted off to work, not wanting to see her. There was just nothing but tension in the house now after the confrontation. Brian had accepted the job and now came back to Raleigh every weekend to see her mother. The decision for her to join him still stood, but the topic was taboo and the three had yet to discuss it.

As soon as she stood, she felt an immediate nausea rise in her stomach. She mused it as stress over the boiling dilemma between her and her mother. She had been feeling sick to her stomach for quite a while now. Elaine wasn’t normally subjected to anxiety like this, but the situation was a little different.

She emptied out her stomach before changing into her work clothes and beginning her day, praying that she could make it through the shift without passing out. She began to seriously doubt it when she walked through the doors to the store.

“Dude, you look like hell.”

She looked up to see Em shelving a display right at the entrance. Her hair was pulled back and her green eyes looked genuinely worried.

“Just stressed out,” Elaine shrugged as she clipped her nametag on to her shirt. She was about to head to the counter when she felt yet another wave of nausea rock her stomach.

“Hey, go sit down in the breakroom, ok?” Em said putting her hand on Elaine’s shoulder. “I’m going to tell Allison you’re not feeling ok and you can start your shift late.”

“No, Em,” she protested, trying to shake off her hand. “I’ll be fine.”

Em just tightened her grip and shook her head. “No, breakroom. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Elaine finally conceded as she realized she was too tired to even fight. She navigated her way through the nearly empty store and practically collapsed when she reached the break room sofa. Her face didn’t feel warm but her head had been aching and her back was sore. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes just hoping it would pass over.

Em entered the break room moments later with a bottle of water. She handed it to Elaine and sat down next to her on the couch. “What’s up, buttercup?”

“Headache, backache, supermassive nausea,” Elaine grumbled after nearly drinking half the bottle of water. Em placed her hand against her forehead, then cheek, and finally neck.

“Well you aren’t running a fever. Isn’t your mom a nurse?” she asked. “Why don’t you have her check you out?”

“Because she’s currently ignoring me,” Elaine sighed. She finished off the water and tossed the empty bottle into the recycling bin. “I didn’t tell you, but like a month ago she started talking to me about moving to Wilmington with her boyfriend. She thinks she’s ‘holding me back’ and not letting me start my own life.”

“Well that’s bullshit,” Em said. “You’ve got a fulltime job and you’re saving for school. Shouldn’t she want to stick around so you don’t have to spend the money you’re saving on like food and stuff like that?”

“If she leaves, I’ll stay in the house. We paid it off before my Dad died, but that’s not the point.” Elaine rubbed at her face and tried to hold on to her composure. Her emotions had been so out of sorts lately just talking about things made her cry. “She won’t tell me, but I think I just remind her to much of Dad. She’s trying to move on and start a life with Brian and she can’t do that if she has to come home and face me everyday.”

Em was not generally an affectionate person towards her friends, but at this point she wrapped her arms around Elaine and gave her a tight squeeze. “Look, if push comes to shove, you know I’ve got your back; but right now, you need to stop stressing out so you can get better.”

“Well it would help if I knew what was wrong with me,” Elaine chuckled.

“You aren’t running a fever so it could be PMS,” Em shrugged. At the mention of it, Elaine began to feel her stomach tighten. It was the end of September and she hadn’t had her period since the end of July.

“Stress can delay your period , right?” Elaine asked hesitantly. Em gave her a strange look before nodding slowly.

“Yeah, I guess. Especially as tiny as you are. When was the last time you had it?”

“July,” Elaine mumbled. The room began to grow hotter as Elaine revisited the night she was trying to forget. there was absolutely no way.

“Elaine, when you went home with that guy at the bar...did you...”

Em didn’t have to finish. Elaine already knew what she was going to say. Her mouth went dry as she moved her head slowly up and down. This was quickly turning into a nightmare.

“Holy shit, you need to take a piss test.”

“No.” Elaine shook her head sharply and took a deep breath. “No, we used a condom. I’m just stressed out.”

“Yeah, but condoms break.”

Elaine glanced down at Em who at this point looked genuinely concerned. Em got up and went to the water cooler and poured Elaine another glass of water. She handed it her as she took her seat back on the couch.

“Look, it could be stress. I’m not saying it’s not, but you need to double check. The condom could have broken and he might not have known or he could have just thought you were on birth control,” Em tried to reason.

Elaine nodded as she took another long sip of water. It helped to calm her nerves a little, but not very much. “Thank you, Em. I appreciate it.”

Em flashed her a bright smile before giving her another reassuring hug. “It’s going to be ok, I promise.”

“What should I do now?” Elaine asked after Em released her. “I seriously doubt I’m going to make it through work.”

“I’ll talk to Allison and see if she can get someone to cover for you and if you can give me an hour to finish my shift, I’ll go home with you and we can get the test over with today. The sooner the better, right?”

Elaine nodded and for once felt a sense of relief wash over her body. Even though her life could very well be falling apart as she spoke, Em was there to keep her stable until she at least knew for certain.

The hour wait for Em to finish off her shift wasn’t nearly as bad as she had expected. She tried mostly to keep her mind clear and her stomach from doing somersaults, though most of the nausea had subsided by now. She honestly hadn’t thought about Jeff or that night since the day after. She hadn’t made an effort to call him and she hadn’t given him her number so there was no way he was going to be contacting her.

Em finished off her shift and went back to the breakroom to collect Elaine. “Ready?” she asked, poking her head in the door. Elaine nodded and followed her out through the store and into the parking lot. “Do you want me to drive, or do you think you’ll be ok?”

“I’ll be fine,” Elaine shrugged as the two trooped over to where her car was park. “Besides, I’m pretty sure my car is cleaner than yours.”

“True,” Em laughed as she climbed in the passenger’s seat. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Not as queasy,” Elaine shrugged as she pulled the car out of the parking lot and onto the busy street. Lunchtime traffic was beginning to congest the roads promising for a fun drive.

“Well, I just told Allison that you came in to work looking like you were going to keel over,” Em simply replied. “She told that you just need to get some rest and call in the next time you can work.”

“Hopefully I’ll be able to pick up my shift for tomorrow,” Elaine sighed. She didn’t want to think about not being able to work. The thought of being at home with nothing to but let her thoughts stir made her feel sick to her stomach all over again.

Elaine pulled the car into a slightly deserted Walgreens parking lot. Em was already out of the car and headed towards the door when she turned and saw Elaine still sitting behind the wheel. “It’s now or never,” she said, leaning against the car.

Elaine knew, but that didn’t make it any easier. Her stomach progressively dropped farther and farther as the two made their way into the store and towards the aisle with tests. There were about nine thousand different brands all claiming to be “the most accurate” and ranging in all sorts of prices.

“This is insane. How am I supposed to know what to buy?” Elaine sighed as she began to scan over all of the options.

“Buy more than one brand,” Em mused as she picked up several boxes to inspect herself. “You want to take more than one test. Generally the more expensive ones are the more accurate.”

“Of course they are,” Elaine grumbled as she picked up the three tests that seemed to be the most accurate and headed towards the counter. An older woman working the register gave her a sympathetic look before ringing up the items. Elaine didn’t even know yet and this was already becoming too difficult. She avoided the woman’s eyes and quickly collected her purchase after paying and rushed out the door. “Let’s get this over with,” she mumbled as she climbed back into the car.

“You didn’t pee after you drank all that water, did you?” Em asked when they were on the road back to Elaine’s house. She shook her head.

“No, but I’m going to need a lot more to take three of these things.”

“Just don’t drink soda or juice or anything like. They can make false positives.”

“Ok, number one, I don’t even drink soda. Number two, how do you know all this?” Elaine asked, eyes half on the road and eyes half on Em who was sincerely laughing at this point.

“It’s called common sense, genius, and sometimes I don’t think you have any.”

Elaine rolled her eyes and focused back on the road. As annoyed as she pretended to be, she couldn’t have been more thankful for Em than she was right now. The fact that she would go through this with her and still make her smile meant everything to her.

Elaine pulled the car into the driveway of her still empty house. Her mother still wasn’t home which she was grateful for. The last thing she wanted to do was have to explain why she wasn’t at work and had three pregnancy tests.

Em headed straight for the fridge upon entering the house. She pulled out a water pitcher and began to rummage through the cabinets for the tallest glass she could find. “Go piss on the first one so you can start getting ready for the second round.”

“Stay classy, Em,” Elaine mumbled as she took the shopping back into the downstairs bathroom. She hadn’t noticed how bad her hands were shaking until she attempted to open the cardboard box. She could hardly keep it steady as she tried to tear into the packaging. When she finally managed to get the test out, she took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her nerves and shaking hands. It was no use.

Moments later she met back up with Em in the kitchen, test in one hand and the box in the other. “It says to wait ten minutes.”

Em nodded as she instinctively handed her the glass of water she had poured. “Maybe if you chug that you can go again before the first one is done cooking?”

Elaine shrugged as she slumped down at the kitchen table glass in hand. “I’m nervous enough I doubt I’ll have to drink much water.”

Em sat down next to her and gave her a sad smile. “Do you know what the chances of you actually being pregnant are?”

Elaine shook her head.

“Like 40%, tops.” Em rested a hand on Elaine’s shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “You’re tired, you’re stressed out and you’re skinny as shit. These are all reasons that you can miss your period.”

“Yeah, but for two months...” Em cut Elaine off by handing her the shopping bag again.

“Go before this one is done so we can check them all at the same time.”

Elaine quickly finished off the glass and nodded before she returned to the bathroom. After being a little more successful with not shaking, she returned to the kitchen to find Em with another glass of water. She had placed a cup over the first test so the results could not bee seen. “Is that one done?”

Em nodded as she took the second test out of Elaine’s hand and placed it under another cup. “It’s so that we look at the results all at once. Take the best out of the three, you know?”

Elaine nodded as fished the last test out of the shopping bag and took a deep breath. “Third time’s the charm.”

After waiting ten minutes for the last test to finish, Em and Elaine were standing in the kitchen staring at three upside down cups. Em offered Elaine a hand which she took hoping it would calm her nerves. “Which one first?” Em asked, staring at the row of multicolored plastic stemware.

“Go with yellow because it’s my favorite?” Elaine said but it was more like a question. The uncertainty in her voice was only affirming that she was not ready for whatever was under the sunshine yellow glass with a daisy pattern.

With Em’s hand still in hers, she reached forward and lifted the cup. Staring back up at her in stark comparison to the white plastic was a little pink plus sign. Elaine began to feel sick but Em quickly squeezed her hand. “False positives are common. That’s why we have three tests.”

Elaine nodded and decided to go with the green cup next. It was decorated with ladybugs and she could remember now being a little girl and her father pouring fresh lemonade in to it for her. Now it was housing the biggest regret of her life. She lifted the plastic and once again staring back at her was another plus sign.

“Majority rules,” she said picking up the second test.

“Could be a manufacturing error,” Em tried to reason, but Elaine shook her head.

“From two different companies?”

“Just check the last one to be safe.”

Elaine sighed and pulled up the red plastic cup with no hesitation. Following suit, the plastic was showing her a plus sign; good news for happy wives but bad news for teenagers with no plans, no money, and nothing at all. She pressed her forehead against the wood cabinets lining the walls of the kitchen and felt her stomach surge. She was pregnant.