All These Things That I've Done

“You need to make a plan” was the first thing Em told her. The two were now seated in the living room with all three test lined up in a row on the coffee table. It made Elaine sick to look at them, but Em was right. She needed to think of what to do.

“Should I tell my mom?” She asked. Em immediately shook her head.

“Not yet. You need to go to the doctor first and get a hormone test done. Those tests could have been lying.”

“Yeah all three,” Elaine grumbled as she stood up from the couch to pace. “I’ll call my doctor tonight and make the appointment. If I’m over eighteen they don’t have to tell my mom, right?”

“I don’t think so,” Em shrugged. She leaned back into the plush couch and sighed.

“So doctor first, then what?” Elaine asked looking back at Em.

“Well then you call the Dad.”

Elaine stopped dead at that. She was now being flooded with mental images of the eccentric and awkward boy with too much money and a job he wouldn’t talk about at the bar. She looked down at her stomach and shook her head. “No.”

“You can’t be serious,” Em said sitting up. “It’s just as much his kid as it is yours. I mean, if you’re...”

“Ok, Em. I get it, It could be a mistake.” Elaine collapsed into an armchair opposite of the sofa and sighed. “I’ll finish the plan when I go to the doctor tomorrow ok? I just need to think right now.”

Em go up off the sofa and collected the three positive tests. She offered them to Elaine who just shook her head and motioned for her to throw them away. She pulled her knees up to her chest and tried to breathe. The room hadn’t stopped spinning yet and she felt like every bit of air had left her body.

“I’ll stay here with you, if you want,” Em spoke from the door after disposing of the evidence. Her voice was soft as she looked at Elaine still curled up in the chair. “We can order something as like a late lunch early dinner type thing and you can make the appointment.”

“I’d like that,” Elaine meekly replied. She pushed her aching body out of the armchair and crossed to where Em stood. She was a good couple of inches taller than her, but she still wrapped her arms around the smaller girl and buried her face into her neck. “What am I going to do?”

Em began to soothingly rub her hand up and down Elaine’s back and sighed. “It’s going to be ok. You’ve got nine months to figure out.”

The joke was probably one that was too soon to make, yet Elaine found herself laughing anyway. They settled in to the living room as Elaine searched through her contacts for the number of the doctor’s office she’d been going to since she was a baby. On the way through list of numbers, she passed by Jeff’s and felt her heart sink. Sure she had nine months, but it was going to be the longest nine months of her life,

Em had ended up spending the night with Elaine. It was partially because her car was still at work and also because Elaine did not want to go to the doctor’s appointment alone. D-Day had been scheduled for 9:00 A.M the next morning leaving an impending sense of doom to weigh on her shoulders all through night.

After tossing and turning through most of the night, Elaine woke up from her light sleep the next morning. Her hands almost instinctively traveled to her stomach without her even noticing. As her hands traced along the soft skin, she couldn’t quite wrap her head around the idea that there could be a person growing in there. She shook the idea, rubbed at her eyes and turned over to see Em still fast asleep. She took the chance to quietly creep out of the bed and glance out the window to see her mother’s car still nowhere in sight.

Grudgingly, she pulled a sweater over the tank top she had fallen asleep in and travelled down the stairs and into the kitchen. She immediately caught sight of the answering machine on top of the bread box blinking wildly. She rolled her eyes and pressed the button as she travelled to the fridge to pour herself a glass of milk.

“Good morning, Lainey,” her mother’s voice started. “I tried your cell phone a few times but it was busy or you weren’t answering so I hope you get this message. I’m going to stay with Brian for a couple of days. I know you’ve been really stressed out and you haven’t been feeling well, so maybe having the house to yourself will help some. I’m sorry if any of it’s my fault and I hope you feel better soon. Love you.”

As the message ended, Elaine felt the glass she had been holding crash to the floor. She stared down for a second at the broken crystal and white liquid spread across the floor before feeling the weight press on to her chest. Seconds after the crash, Em was downstairs and in the doorway of the kitchen asking what was going on.

“She’s with fucking Brian,” Elaine smoothly replied, apathy dripping off of every word she spoke.

“Who? Your mom?” Em asked. She stepped into the kitchen and reached for a rag to help clean up the mess. Elaine grabbed the broom and dustpan with shaking hands.

“Do you know what I don’t get?” she started as she swept up the glass shards. “What I don’t get is why it’s so much easier to run. I don’t get why it takes no energy whatsoever to pivot on your heels and hightail it in the opposite direction, but it’s so fucking hard to stand there and say ‘Hey. I screwed up so let’s talk and let’s fix it.’”

She dumped the pieces of glass into the trash can angrily and turned back to face Em. “Sorry,” she mumbled as her anger broke. She took the wet dishrag from Em’s hands and shook her head. “I’m just so...”

“Why are you apologizing?” Em said with a bit of a laugh. “It happens to the best of us and I don’t understand why you think you’re inconveniencing me by telling me what’s going on in your life.”

She gave Elaine a reassuring pat on the shoulder, but was only shaken off.

“I just don’t want to bother you with this stuff,” Elaine sighed as she crossed to the sink and wrung out the soaked dishrag.. “I just don’t want to be whiny.”

“Well if you start crying over some celebrity or some gay shit like that, I’ll tell you that you’re being whiny. Deal?” Em smiled as she caught the laughter slipping out of Elaine’s mouth. “Go get dressed, crybaby. We have the beaches of Normandy to storm.”

About an hour later, the two were seated in the stuffy plastic waiting room of a small practice way outside of Raleigh. The doctor’s office was in a little town just outside of the city where Elaine’s mother had grown up. The doctors who worked here had seen her when she was young so she had insisted it was where Elaine would go, even if it was a bit out of the way.

“Elaine Young?”

Elaine pushed her body out of the chair she had been sitting in and went to the front desk to collect her paperwork. It was the same boring and tedious routine as always, though she double checked everything. She felt stupidly paranoid that she would select something wrong and they would call her mother though the idea was hardly plausible. It wouldn’t have mattered if they did anyway. She was going to have to tell her mother eventually.

“Do you want me to wait out here or go in the exam room with you?” Em asked as she flipped through the pages of a torn up two year old beauty magazine. The spray-tanned blonde on the front cover with the bleached smile made Elaine feel sick to her stomach all over again.

“No, it’s ok. They’re probably going to ask like nine thousand questions anyway and it’ll be really boring.”

Em nodded and turned her attention back to the magazine as Elaine continued to wring her hands. Every time she heard the click of the door opening and a nurse poking her head through, her nerves jumped and her stomach did backflips.

“Elaine Young?”

She didn’t hear her name at first. Em had to give her a pat on the shoulder to bring her back to reality and make her realize that it was time. She got out of the chair again and followed the cheerful nurse through the door and into the labyrinth of hallways, her heart beating faster with every twist and turn.

“And how are you feeling today, Miss Young?” the nurse asked as she began to flip through the pages of Elaine’s chart.

“I’m ok,” she managed to squeak out. The nurse only nodded pretending she had heard her when in reality she had not. They had arrived at a tiny alcove with a series of examination rooms surrounding it. The nurse gestured for Elaine to step on the scale which she hesitantly obliged.

As the nurse balanced out the weights, Elaine could see the physical evidence. She had no idea how long it had been, but she had certainly gained weight.

“Ok. Step into Exam Room Three, please,” the nurse said as she scribbled something down on to the chart.

Elaine nodded and stepped off the scale and into the room, glad to no longer have to stare down the constant reminder. She sat down on the exam table, the sound of the paper covering the plastic filled the empty room. It may have been the fluorescent lighting, but when she caught sight of herself in the mirror hanging on the wall, she didn’t look like herself at all. The image made her heart sink, but she was quickly pulled from her dismal thoughts as she heard the door open.

“Good afternoon. Miss Young,” a kind middle aged blonde named Dr. Handler said as she entered the room. She was the same doctor Elaine had been going to since she was a teenager. She was sweet with a thick southern accent that most of her patients found irritating but Elaine managed to find adorable and comforting. “How are you doing?”

“I’m ok,” she mumbled, her hands gripped tight against her locked together knees.

“Well, it says here that you think you might be pregnant?” Dr. Handler asked as she sat down on a stool next to the counter containing all the supplies. She flipped through the chart quickly before looking back up at Elaine.

“I took three self tests and they all came up positive,” she said. Dr. Handler nodded and scribbled something down before continuing the questionnaire.

“Did you and your partner use protection?”

Elaine hated all the technical terms for sex. ‘Did you use the proper contraceptives?’ ‘Did your partner ejaculate inside of you?’ Science was notorious in her mind for ruining the beauty of most things, but it had pretty much obliterated any romantic notion in the action of sex. At this point, she would rather be having this talk with a writer of twenty cent harlequin novels.

“I think it broke,” she finally responded. Dr. Handler nodded again which Elaine could now read as ‘Hey teenage fuck up! Why are you such an idiot when it comes to intercourse?’

Dr. Handler stood and rummaged through the cabinets above the counter she was sitting at. She produced a small plastic cup and handed it to Elaine. “Now we’re going to do a urine sample and test your hormones. This will give us a definitive answer and we can talk from there.”

Elaine took the cup and nodded to show she understood. She left the exam room and headed toward the bathroom, relieved to be out of the judging eyes of Dr. Handler. It hadn’t crossed her mind yet how people would even react to the news. Clearly her doctor thought she was an idiot and irresponsible even though she had known her for so long. In Elaine’s mind, people would listen when she said it was an accident and that she hadn’t intended on things playing out like this; but somehow. to everyone else, it would all still be her fault.

It was about a twenty minute wait when she handed the sample to Dr. Handler and she sent it to the lab for testing. It felt like the longest wait of Elaine’s life, though in reality she knew there would be longer times she would have to wait. She just wanted the whole ordeal to be over with. She wanted Dr. Handler to rush in with a smile on her face and say ‘Congrats! You’re uterus is empty!’ and she would cry because she was so happy. Unfortunately, reality began to set in once Dr. Handler returned with a grim expression on her face.

“I’m not going to say congratulations, because I know that’s not what you want to hear,” she said slowly shutting the door behind her. “You’re eight weeks pregnant.”

“You’re certain?”

“Yes ma’am.”

Dr. Handler produced several pamphlets from the folder she had been carrying and handed them to Elaine. They all had terrible titles like ‘What to expect when you’re unexpectedly expecting?’. She flipped through pages of pictures of clinics and different statistics. She was starting to get the message.

“I’m not pushing you into anything, Elaine,” Dr. Handler said resting her hand on Elaine’s shoulder. “You just really need to weigh your options. Your chart says you’re healthy, though you’re still underweight. You could carry this baby to term, but you need to think about everything after as well.”

“Thank you,” Elaine meekly replied as she put the pamphlets away into her bag. Her mind honestly couldn’t process anything at this point. Dr. Handler nodded as she scribbled away at her notepad again and handed Elaine her receipt.

“I want you to talk to the father and really think about your options Elaine,” she said as she placed the yellow paper into her hand. “If you can call in the next week and let me know what you decided, that would be good.”

The father. Elaine suddenly felt like Atlas, like the entire world was being thrust upon her shoulders and not a single passerby offered to share some of that weight. What was she going to tell Jeff? She hadn’t spoken to him since that night and now she had to deliver this news to him. He was young and had a life full of promise. There was no way he was going to want to be a father; but then again, did she really want to be a mother?

She didn’t have to say anything to Em after she paid her bill. She just locked eyes with her as she crossed the empty waiting room and Em already knew. Em ushered her out of the doctor’s office, her emotions still intact. She did not hit her breaking point until she sat down in the car. Every emotional boundary she had ever put up suddenly broke. Her entire body shook as tears poured from her face. “I...can’t...I can’t...do...it,” she breathed in between sobs, feeling her body finally succumb to the emotional storm she’d been fighting..

Em took her hand holding back tears of her own. “Don’t say that, Elaine. You can do this,” she tried to reassure her, but Elaine could not believe her.

“What am I supposed to tell him, Em?” She looked to her friend with desperation, tears still rolling down her pale freckled face.. “I don’t even know him and now...and now this. What do I do?”

Em gave her a friend a sympathetic look before coming to the inner conclusion that she was going to have to be the strong one. There was really nothing Elaine could do and Em knew that. Instead, she tried her best to calm the hysterical girl down.“Take a deep breath,” she instructed. “Get out your phone and call him. You two are going to dinner tonight.”

Elaine took a deep breath and procured her phone from her pocket. Normally she would have protested, but she was quickly beginning to realize this was not just a teenage misunderstanding. She entered her lock key and scrolled to her contacts. Jeff Skinner. She stared down at the number and her throat tightened. She glanced back up to Em who gave her a reassuring nod. She felt her heartbeat speed up as she took the leap and dialed the number.

Elaine waited for through the first few rings with ragged breath. “He isn’t answer--”

“Wait!” Em quickly shushed her.

There were a few more rings until Elaine finally heard a click on the other end.

“Hello?”

Her stomach instantly sank. She opened up her mouth to speak but no words could form. She heard him repeat the words but could not create her own until she felt a sharp nudge from Em. “Oh..um...hey, it’s Elaine...from...”

“Oh, hey,” he cut her off in a genuinely surprised tone of voice. She could hear several other people talking and laughing in the background and instantly regretted calling.

“Sorry to bother you. You sound busy,” she quickly apologized. Just like that with those simple words, she was taken back to that stupid night when she heard his laugh.

“No, it’s ok, really. I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time now....” His voice trailed off and Elaine looked to Em with worried eyes. She had never been so certain she couldn’t do something in her entire life.

The thing about the situation was that it was complicated. There were technically three lives caught in the mix of all of it, but somehow the main decision that could trigger everything lay in Elaine’s hands. The lives of three relatively innocent people lay in the hands of an eighteen year old who cried at the end of The Lion King and couldn’t eat sweets past a certain hour. Remembering these things only made her feel sicker. She was just a child herself, so how could she raise one of her own?

“I still have your shoes,” she heard Jeff say on the other line. “I’m guessing that’s what you’re calling about.”

He seemed so much more demure now on the other end of the conversation, like out in the real world he was so much more passive than the intoxicated boy from the bar. Naturally, no one acted the same way drunk as they did sober. Elaine should have suspected this.

“Yeah, that was....pretty stupid of me...” she replied trying to mask the nerves in her voice. “Do you think....we could maybe have dinner? You can....you know....give me my shoes back...”

“I’d like that.” His response was now ladened with the kindness she remembered from that night. Maybe her theory was wrong after all.

“I hate to spring this on you. but maybe tonight?” she nervously bit down on her lip and gave a nervous glance to Em. "It's ok...if you can't..."

"No, tonight is fine," he quickly replied. She could hear in his voice that he was smiling, a thought only made her feel sick. "Is seven ok?" he asked.

"Mhm," was all she managed to choke out. She glanced at Em with worried eyes who only nodded, urging her to keep going.

“Great, uh...do you want me to pick you up?”

“Yeah, I can text you my address.” Em gave her a reassuring pat on the knee. Elaine only gave her a sigh. This wasn’t even the hardest part.

“Alright, I’ll see you tonight.”

Jeff hung up finally allowing Elaine to exhale the breath she’d been holding. She’d survived the first trial and judging from the cheery smile on Em’s face, she’d passed with flying colors. She tucked her phone back into her purse and pressed her heated face against the steering wheel. “What now?”

“We end the war.”

Em had told Elaine not to be ready at exactly seven. She’d gone on about girl rules and about how you are supposed to make the boy wait, but Elaine had decided that was just trivial. She’d dropped Em off to get her car and told her that maybe it was just better for her to spend some time alone.

She drove home absentmindedly trying to clear her head the best that she could. She watched the lights of cars past her by in blurred movements just increasing the dizzy feeling in her head. Her mind shook back into focus when she heard a familiar melody playing out of the speakers of her car. It was the song she’d played that night with Jeff, “Angeles”.

As the melody played she began to realize it was time to decide what she was going to say. Things had been moving so fast she hadn’t even prepared. “I’m pregnant” seemed to be too blunt and “I’m carrying your spawn” seemed a bit too rude.

From the night she spent with Jeff, he didn’t seem like a very emotional person. In fact, from the more time she spent thinking about their brief encounter, she hardly knew him at all. Other than the phone call she’d had with him a few hours ago, she really had no idea what she was getting herself into. What was his stupid mysterious job? What was his family like? And most importantly, what was he going to say?

She was tossing the thought around and around as she started to get ready. New questions arrived every time she caught sight of her stomach in the mirror. She could tell now how much bigger she looked. After tearing through her closet, she finally managed to find a shirt that flowed over her stomach and didn’t call much attention to it. By the time she had finally settled on her appearance the clock was blaring 6:55 P.M.

Elaine rushed down the stairs and reached the landing just when the doorbell rang. The two notes echoed down the spacious hallway, ringing in and out of her hollow ears. Her heart rate sped as she counted the steps all the way to the door, the portal between everything she’d ever done and everything to come.

“Hey.”

Jeff was standing on the other side, a much different person than the one she had been with that night. His brown hair was now freshly cut short and he wore a white cotton shirt that fit him much better than the suit he had worn before. He looked more like a young adult than a child playing dress up in his father’s clothes.

“I thought this would be a little more personal than flowers,” he said with a chuckle as he extended his right arm and handed her the shoes. Had she not have been trying to keep her dinner from resurfacing, she would have laughed and thrown her arms around him in a jovial way; instead, she took the canvas heels from his shaking hands and smiled.

“Thank you,” she replied in a voice so soft it almost wasn’t audible to her. She turned back and placed the shoes on the steps before turning back and stepping out of the house. “Ready?”

Jeff nodded. He offered out his arm for her, something strange that she noted. Elaine didn’t really understand the opposite sex, let alone Jeff. From the brief time she’d spent with him, she’d shown him two very distinct personalities. So which one was really Jeff? Which one was going to be a father? She shook the thought and instead decided to lace her arm through his, pushing all her unhappy worries out of her ears until it was time.

“I made reservations at this place downtown. I hope you don’t mind,” he said as he opened the passenger side door for her much like he had done before. Even though she was not in heels, she still had to hoist herself in to the raised car.

“That’s totally fine,” she said with a smile after he had crossed and stepped in to the driver’s side. “I’m kind of the worst decision maker ever so I’m glad you could make a choice.”

He laughed at this as he began to pull out of the driveway. The sheer size of Jeff’s car just made her house look that much smaller. Jeff in general just made her feel small.

“I hate to ask you this,” he started, eyes still fixated on the road. “But I know you didn’t call just because of your shoes…”

His voice trailed off as if he was almost afraid to ask. Elaine felt her throat tighten and her face grow hot as his voice got smaller and softer. “No, it’s fine,” she managed to calmly reply. “And, it’s weird. I’ll tell you at dinner.”
Jeff took her answer and simply nodded in reply. Elaine was heavily relieved that he didn’t press the issue. The last thing she wanted was to burst into tears in the middle of his car, though he probably wouldn’t have been surprised.

The conversation died down slowly as the pair failed to ease up the tension. Jeff’s eyes stayed on the road and Elaine’s managed to drift out the window to watch the blur of scenery passing by. She traced out the outline of several major buildings against the cool glass with the tip of her finger, watching the crooked lines as they bounced up and down with the movement of the car. The overcast sky painted a bleak portrait; an accurate projection of Elaine’s nerves on to the setting skyline.

She was thankful when they arrived at the restaurant where the valet finally broke the silence. “Good evening…oh my gosh, you’re Jeff Skinner!”

The valet was a man who couldn’t be any older than Jeff, yet he wore an expression of genuine surprise across his face. He leaned over and tapped his buddy on the shoulder who had a similar reaction. Elaine glanced over to her date who was trying to shield his face. There was certainly something he wasn’t telling her.

Jeff stepped out of the car and tossed his keys to the valet in a way that he could not assault him with questions, though Elaine was about to do the same thing. He took her arm and guided her hurriedly into the restaurant without an explanation.

“What was that?” she asked once they had reached the maître d.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jeff’s voice was breaking as he tried with no avail to disguise his nerves. “Reservations for Skinner?” he said quickly changing the subject.

The young woman nodded, grabbed two menus and began to lead them through the intricate maze of diners grazing on salad and engrossed in trivial conversation. Elaine couldn’t even study the people she walked by as she was so fixated on the valet incident. Jeff was visibly nervous and trying desperately to conceal something from Elaine. She was so close to chastising him until she remembered she had a secret of her own. “Will this be fine?” the waitress interrupted Elaine’s internal monologue.

She absentmindedly nodded as she slid into the small booth across from Jeff. She counted to three slowly until the waitress was out of sight. She then immediately turned to Jeff who was hiding his face behind a menu. “Do you want to explain?” she asked, slowly pushing the leather bound book down from his face.

Jeff took a deep breath and slid the menu on to the table. “I thought you were the one who had something to tell me.”

“Yeah but that was before the valet thought you were Paul McCartney,” she grumbled, fumbling with the menu of her own. Jeff took a nervous breath before giving the visual representation that it was time to dive in to the freezing water.

“Do you watch any sports?” Elaine shook her head no. “I figured,” he sighed. “Well I guess you noticed that my job is kind of weird…”

“Well I thought it was strange that you’re like nineteen and had money out the ass,” she retorted with a dry laugh. “What do you like work for some magazine or something?”

Jeff laughed out loud at this. He shook his head again and looked at Elaine who still had a puzzled look painted across her face. “I play hockey…for the Carolina Hurricanes.”

It took Elaine a few seconds to really register what he had said, but somehow it still didn’t sink in. “Like…on TV…?”

Jeff nodded. He played a sport…on television…with thousands of people watching…with thousands of people knowing who he was…and watching his every move…and every bit of his life…and now they would know that he knocked up an eighteen year old loser he didn’t even know. Now thousands of people would know.

Elaine immediately grabbed her bag and began to slide out of the booth, almost knocking over the table. “I…I…need to go. Holy shit, I need to go.”

Jeff quickly stood up, following suit in almost knocking over the table. He reached out to take her arm but she was already on the fast track for the door. “Wait…you said you needed to talk.”

“Not now!” Elaine spun on her heels to face him, her voice far past exasperated. She glanced around to see the agitated faces of several diners bearing holes in to her and Jeff’s backs. Jeff seemed to have notice too as he took Elaine’s arm and guided her back to the table.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t think you were ever going to talk to me again,” he said as he took his seat again. Elaine picked up her napkin and began to dab at the back of her neck. The whole situation had just become hypersensitive. “I’m happy you did, believe me.”

“You’re not going to be,” she mumbled, placing the napkin back down on to the table. Her face was getting hot and she could feel the tears stinging in her eyes.

“Look,” Jeff said reaching his hand across the table and taking hers into his. The calluses of his skin felt rough against the smoothness of her own, but the warmth was calming. “Let’s just talk about whatever it is that you wanted and then move on. Let’s have a normal dinner, just the two of us, and get all of this shit out of the way now. Ok?”

Elaine tried to swallow the nerves surging in her throat, but failed. Her chest was tightening and she could feel her heart racing faster and faster. “I…can’t…”

“Why not?” Jeff was at the same level of exasperation as Elaine had been before. He was holding her hand tighter but she was only trying to slink away.

“Because you’re on fuc…freaking TV!”

“What does that matter?”

“It matters because…because I’m pregnant!”

Splash. There it was. Elaine had dove head first in to the freezing water and somehow she didn’t feel better. Jeff’’s hand released hers and his face was now blank. She could almost hear his heart sinking.

“Are you sure?” His voice was hardly above a whisper. Elaine nodded and stared down at her folded hands.

“I went to the doctor today.”

Though she wasn’t looking at his face, she could hear his exasperated tone. She wasn’t exactly shocked. She should have known that this would be how it happened. There was no way to break the news lightly or for anyone to take it lightly for that manner. She released the napkin she had been tearing apart in her hands and finally pulled her eyes up to meet his. Jeff was just staring back at her with a look of complete disbelief.

“Look...I don’t...I mean I didn’t want to make a decision without you...” she said softly. Her voice was low enough to be concealed by the murmuring crowd. She was just praying that the whispers weren’t about their outburst.

“Decision?” Jeff looked like he didn’t understand what she was saying at all. Elaine took a deep breath and diverted her attention back to her knees knocking together underneath the table. She pulled at the fabric of the cotton skirt she wore and let her front teeth begin to tear at the skin of her lips. “What decision?” He repeated again, almost demanding her attention though his voice was too soft to seem intimidating at all.

“If...I...I mean...we...well, if we decide to keep it...” Elaine’s throat had gone dry but she somehow managed to squeak out the words. Jeff looked visibly upset at this point. His mouth hung agape and he had began to nervously run his fingers through the loose waves of his light brown hair.

“What can I start you two off with this evening?” Jeff looked up at the waitress whom had appeared at some point during their silent exasperation. Jeff took a deep breath and shook his head.

“I’m so sorry to do this, but we are going to have to head out.” He procured his wallet from the back pocket of his pants and handed the waitress a one hundred dollar bill. He then began to make his way through the maze of chatty diners, taking Elaine by the wrist the entire time.

“I’m sorry,” she said once the two had reached the parking lot. Jeff snapped at the valet wanting to get in the car and speed as far away from the restaurant as he could. Elaine wriggled her wrist from his grasp and grabbed at the back of her neck in frustration. “Look if you want me out of your life just say it.”

“I don’t!” Jeff ran his hands over his face and tried to calm his breathing enough to speak in a sensible tone. “I don’t want you out of my life,” he repeated in a much calmer voice. “I just don’t want to talk about it here and we need to talk.”

The valet was a different young man than the one who had recognized Jeff earlier. Elaine was thankful since the other boy would have probably been eavesdropping on every word they said. The different valet arrived with the car giving Jeff a sense of relief. The two climbed into the car and sped down in to the busy Raleigh night.

“Where are you going?” Elaine asked after watching the scenery change from buildings crushed together to an empty skyline. She had assumed he would drive her home and they would talk about it there or that he would maybe even take her back to his apartment, the scene of the crime.

“Somewhere I’m comfortable but has no sentimental attachment to you,” he said, eyes glued on the passing streetlights.

Elaine paused for a moment but shook her head in confusion. “I don’t get it.”

“I always remember places where things happen,” Jeff said, his voice with a much more vulnerable tone than Elaine had ever heard before. “You know like if someone breaks up with you in a restaurant, the next time you eat there that’s all you’ll think of. I don’t want us to have this talk at like your house where every time you’re there, you’ll think of it. I want to go somewhere I’m comfortable because well...I need that strength right now.”

The rest of the car ride was silent until Elaine watched as Jeff pulled into the empty parking lot of the PNC arena. It was the new name but still the same old stadium she’d passed a million times when going to the State Fair or sometimes ventured inside to watch basketball games or the really big shows that managed to sneak their way into Raleigh.
Jeff pulled around to the back of the building and fished deep into the pockets of his pants. Elaine presumed he was searching for a key as she nervously pressed her thin knees against each other in the passenger seat. He retrieved the object he had been so valiantly trying to recover and stumbled out of the car, his body still shaking from shock of Elaine’s news or at least she was certain that was the reason. She got out of the car after him and followed his hesitantly through the dark as he unlocked a worn looking service door.

“Take my hand,” he said as he pulled open the door. “It’s going to be dark until I turn the lights up and well, I don’t want you to fall or anything.”

Elaine nodded and allowed Jeff’s calloused fingers to tenderly intertwine with her own, a feeling that gave a her a strange intimacy she had never felt. How was it that she felt closer to him with his fingers filling the spaces in between hers than the night they had been as physically close as two human beings could be?

She followed him blindly through the winding corridors that seemed to stretch on forever. She had no idea how he even knew which direction he was heading in, but soon they entered a large open space that was actually the arena and not the back hallways. Jeff flipped a few switches on a panel on the wall and the room instantly flooded with white fluorescent light.

It was a beautiful sight to see. This place that was always so full of people all cheering and excited was devoid of any living creature except for the two very upset and confused teenagers standing in an empty space as large as the distance they felt between themselves.

“It’s a lot more impressive when the ice is down,” Jeff said with a shrug as he made his way up from the floor on to the first row of seats.

“Why isn’t it down now?” she asked, following closely behind him.

“Well,” he said plopping down into a cushioned chair, “We were supposed to play a preseason game tonight against Nashville, but they cancelled for some reason. To be honest, I wasn’t listening when Coach explained why.”

Elaine slowly lowered herself in to the chair next to him and shook her head. “Coach...holy shit you really play hockey on tv.”

Jeff slowly bobbed his head up and down. His eyes traveled along the empty arena, keeping his focus away from Elaine. She watched him closely and could still see his hands visibly shaking. “That’s not really what we need to talk about though,” He said folding his hands underneath his chin and resting his elbows on to his thighs.

“We kind of do,” was Elaine’s stark reply.

She twisted her body to face him though he still would not even look her way. She placed her hand on his knee and the sudden contact finally made him look in to her eyes. “Because you’re pregnant,” he finally responded.

Elaine nodded letting her hand tighten on his knee in some attempt to release the pressure in her chest. He unfolded his hands and placed them on top of hers. They sat in silence for a few minutes, taking in the empty space in hopes it rest some of the anxieties they both felt. She hadn’t realized that Jeff had been crying until she felt the warm salty water spill on to their intertwined hands. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled as he pulled his hands away from hers to wipe at his face.

“No, it’s ok,” she said, She took her hands and held his face hoping it would help to comfort and calm him down. “It’s really fine. Believe me, I don’t know how I’m not crying now.”

Jeff chuckled a bit and slowly shook his face out of her hands. His expression changed again as he retook her hands in his own and took an audible deep breath. “I’m sorry for something else.”

Elaine wanted to pretend he was going to apologize for something like not finding a way to give her her shoes back sooner but somehow she already knew what he was going to say. “The condom broke, didn’t it?” she said.

He nodded slowly, tears falling faster from his eyes. “I wanted to tell you but I woke up the next morning and you were gone. You didn’t leave your number and I had no idea...”

“It’s ok,” Elaine replied stopping him short. She squeezed his hands and rested her head against his broad shoulders. “It’s over, you know? We just have to...we have to figure it out now.”

Jeff wrapped his arms around her thin shoulders and pulled her as close as he could with the arms of the stadium chair in between them. He rested his head atop hers and nuzzled his face in to her strawberry blonde hair. They stayed like this for a while, no one saying anything. The only sound to be heard was the humming of the stadium until the peaceful silence was shattered by the sharp rumbling of Elaine’s stomach. It was Jeff who immediately burst in to laughter. He glanced down at his watch to notice that they had been sitting in the empty arena for almost an hour now. “We should probably feed it before we anger it more,” he said in between chuckles.

Elaine gave a tired laugh, not knowing how he could joke about it. She had to hand it to him, joking was the only thing that could be done. Jeff pulled her up from the seat and held her hand as he led her out of the arena and back in to the parking to where his car was parked. He helped her in to the passenger’s seat before shutting the door and climbing in to the driver’s side.

Jeff took off in to the Raleigh night and rolled down the windows to let cool evening air rush in to the car. “Well, I owe you dinner now since I didn’t get to earlier. What do you want?”

“I could probably eat anything at this point,” Elaine sighed as she turned her face toward the window to let the night air dance across her face.

“What? No weird cravings or anything?”

“I’m not even that pregnant yet,” she grumbled in response. Jeff only laughed, still trying to make light of the situation.

“Well what’s your favorite food?”

Jeff asking this reminded Elaine of just how little they knew each other. He really only knew the bare minimum about her like where she worked and how old she was. He didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life or even her favorite color. He wasn’t her boyfriend, and the fact that he barely knew her really reminded her of this.

“French fries. My Dad always took me out for french fries when I was sad.”

“Then I know just the place to go.”

Jeff made a sharp turn down a busy city street filled with college kids coming back in to town for their weekly classes. He weaved in and out of the traffic until he pulled in to a burger joint with the gian sign saying “Char-Grill”. It was empty enough that Jeff felt comfortable stopping.

“This where my Dad always took me,” Elaine said as she undid her seatbelt and rolled up the passenger’s side window.

“Am I going to have to meet him now that this...well...yeah...”

“You can’t really,” Elaine shrugged as she pulled herself out of the car. “He passed away two years ago.”

Jeff stopped at that. His face immediately flushed crimson with embarrassment and he began to try and sputter out an apology. “Wow, I’m sorry...I really didn’t...”

“It’s ok. I didn’t really expect you to.”

“Well before I get myself in to anymore awkward spots, what else do I need to know?” Jeff asked as the two made the walk toward service window.

“I’m pretty straight forward, I swear,” Elaine laughed as the cashier opened the window to take their order.

“What can I get you guys tonight?” he asked with a cheery smile.

“I’ll just have a large fry and a chocolate shake please.”

“And for you sir?”

“I’ll have the same,” Jeff said as he reached in to his back pocket and fished for his wallet.

“I can get,” Elaine offered. “It’s really no big deal.”

“No, I owe you,” Jeff said hading a twenty dollar bill to the cashier who in exchange quickly handed him a receipt and their food.

“Have a great evening, Mr. Skinner,” the cashier said with a smile as the two began to walk back towards the car.

“Can you really go anywhere without someone knowing who you are?” Elaine asked already beginning to munch on her french fries.

“Not really,” he chuckled as he climbed back in to the car. “I’m still shocked you didn’t know who I was.”

“I think I’ve watched one sport in my entire life and that was a high school football game,” Elaine laughed.

“Tell me more,” Jeff said as he stuffed another french fry in his mouth. “I want to know as much as I can.”

“Like what? You’ve got to ask me something,” she said.

Jeff thought for a moment, carefully choosing the right thing to ask. “Where are you in school?”
“I’m not,” Elaine quickly replied. “I can’t afford it right now because of finances but I’m working and saving. I want to study music.”

“What do you play?”

“Classical piano.”

Jeff smiled at that. “I’d love to hear you play.”

“Maybe we can work something out,” Elaine chuckled polishing off the last few of her fries. She glanced down at the clock and realized the time had really gotten away from them. It was nearing midnight now and Elaine had work tomorrow. “I’ve got to get going. I had no idea it was so late.”

“No worries,” Jeff shrugged as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He reached over and handed Elaine the ipod cord to the radio that he had that night. “One last question,” he said with his eyes still focused forward on the road. “What’s your favorite song?”

Elaine laughed at this as she plugged the cord in to her headphone jack and scrolled through her phone. Within seconds “Come on Eileen” was blaring through the insane speakers of Jeff’s Tahoe. He instantly began to laugh. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said as the car pulled up to a stoplight.

“Nope!” She said shaking her head with a wide grin. She began to sing along loudly and cheerfully as the light turned green and Jeff took off speeding down the empty city street. He couldn’t help but look over to the passenger’s side at her singing every word with the brightest smile he’d ever seen. She looked happy, something he had never seen from the brief time he had spent with her.

The song ended right as he pulled up in to the driveway of Elaine’s house. The lights were off and her stomach sank as she realized that her mother was still with Brian.

“Do you live by yourself?” Jeff asked as he turned off the car, noticing the darkened house himself.

“No, I live with my Mom but she’s staying with her boyfriend right now.”

“Does she know?”

Elaine shook her head no as she got out of the car and followed the path way up to the door. “It’s pretty much just you and my best friend that know,” she said as she unlocked the door.

“The girl at the bar?”

Elaine nodded again. She stepped inside and put down her keys before turning on a lamp in the entryway. “I guess we didn’t really solve anything tonight did we?”

Jeff shook his head as he leaned against the doorway. “We still have time, you know?”

Elaine wearily nodded as she was finally beginning to feel the effects of her long day. “God, I’m exhausted,” she said as she rubbed at her temples.

“Are you ok to stay alone?” Jeff asked with genuine concern painted on his face. “Like what if something happens?”

“I think I’ll be ok,” Elaine replied. She analyzed his face again and realized that he was asking her to stay. She gave him a warm smile before lacing her fingers with his and guiding him up the oak stairs to her room.