All These Things That I've Done

Elaine was not woken up by the sound of her alarm yelling at her that she had to get ready for work. She was instead woken up the boy she had fallen asleep next to shifting in his sleep. Jeff had stayed the night as he was worried about her staying alone. He’d been a real gentleman about the whole thing. He slept in his boxers but left his t-shirt on and didn’t complain when Elaine asked that he didn’t hold her or anything. He had ended up holding her in the night anyway.

She looked over at her clock and grumbled when she saw just how early it was. She hated work and she hated having to be a functional member of society. She just felt sick and sore and she didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day. She uncurled herself from Jeff’s limbs and started to slink out of bed when she heard the front door unlock, open and then shut,

Shit.

The sound instantly woke up Jeff who bolted out of the bed like it was on fire. “I thought your Mom wasn’t staying here?” he said almost a little too clearly for someone who just woke up.

“I didn’t think she--”

“Lainey? Are you home?”

Elaine was already in tears. Jeff instantly grabbed her and pulled her into his chest in order to try and calm her but her stress level was already too high. “Breathe, Elaine, it’s ok,” he said over and over holding her tight and running his fingers through her hair.

There was a knock at the door and no hesitation before it opened. Elaine’s mother stood blankly staring at the stranger holding on to her daughter for dear life as she sobbed into his chest. She took a deep breath before shutting the door and going back down the stairs.

Elaine listened as the footsteps reached the bottom of the stairs before she pulled herself away from Jeff and began to wipe her face. “You should probably put pants on,” she said as she grabbed a sweater that was hanging on her closet door and pulling it over her still shaking body.

Jeff nodded as he began to clumsily pull himself back into his jeans. He tried to give her a weak smile but Elaine wouldn’t look. Her body felt weak and there was no gesture in the world that could reassure her. Jeff wasn’t giving up. He crossed the room to her again and pulled her back into his chest. “Please breathe,” he said, just soft enough for her to hear.

Elaine nodded and tried to draw in a few shaking breaths but only ended up near tears again. Jeff only squeezed tighter. “I’ll count with you,” he said.

He pressed his palm against her back and began to inhale, tapping her back three times. He held the breath and tapped three times again and tapped the last three as he exhaled. He did this over and over until could finally managed to inhale and exhale without beginning to cry.

After successfully getting Elaine to take a few deep breaths, the two slowly exited the room and headed down the stairs. Jeff held Elaine’s hand as she trailed behind him, nervously taking the steps on at a time. When they reached the landing of the stairs they could see sitting in the living room was Elaine’s mother and Brian, watching the morning news. Upon hearing footsteps, the TV instantly turned off and Elaine’s mother rose to face them.

“Well, I guess we have a lot more to talk about than what Brian and I wanted too,” she said with a weary sigh. She looked Jeff up and down before moving her gaze over to Elaine and then back to Jeff. “Do you want to introduce yourself?”

“Hell, kid doesn’t need an intro Grace,” Brian chimed in with a hearty laugh that made his whole chest shake. “That right there is Jeff Skinner, number fifty three, center for the Carolina Hurricanes.”

Jeff instantly became flustered over the recognition and sheepishly looked down at the ground. However, Elaine’s mother was still not amused. She folded her arms and pursed her lips tightly together. “Well, that still doesn’t explain why your car is parked in my driveway and why you were in my daughter’s bedroom this morning.”

“Mom, I can explain,” Elaine started but she was quickly cut off.

“I don’t want to hear it. I want to hear it from this young man’s mouth just what in the hell he thinks he’s doing,” her mother quickly interjected, her voice stern with frustration.

“I took Elaine on a date last night. When I brought her back there was no one here and I just wasn’t comfortable with her staying by herself,” Jeff said in as calm of a manner as he could. He knew Elaine could feel his hands shaking, but knowing how upset she was, he was trying to keep his composure. He could feel himself doing such a poor job.

“So he’s your boyfriend?” Brian asked, joining back in to the conversation.

“No,” Elaine quickly replied. “He’s not. We just went out to dinner one time. That was all.”

“Then why did he stay the night?” Elaine’s mother knew her too well and knew there was something up. Elaine began to feel the heat and tears rising to her face as all the air in her lungs began to catch in her throat as her mother continued to push the envelope.

“He didn’t want me to be alone,” she stuttered, her throat was dry and her voice was breaking.

“You stay alone all the time, Elaine. Why did you let him stay? What’s different?”

Jeff was still holding Elaine’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze. It was the quick reassurance that she needed to be able to take the dive just once more. She wasn’t sure if she was ready, but she knew it was best to go for it now especially with Jeff doing his best to support her.

“Mom, I’m pregnant,” she spit out. Her words were so fast that she wasn’t even sure if her mother had heard her, but as she saw the expression on her face fall, she knew for certain that she had.

A deafening silence settled in the room. Elaine’s ears began to ring as she squeezed Jeff’s hand as tightly as she could. After a few uncomfortable seconds of the tense silence, Elaine burst into tears. She couldn’t hold back any longer. Instead of being angry, her mother simply rushed forward and held her sobbing daughter, trying to comfort her the best that she could.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled into her mother’s hair over and over again as she rubbed her daughters back and tried to calm her down. Jeff instantly backed off and leaned against the doorway, trying to do his best to catch his breath. As if the past day hadn’t been stressful enough, bomb after bomb kept dropping.

It took Elaine a few more minutes to calm down again. Her mother had done a much better job than Jeff had done earlier. Her mother had guided her into the kitchen and sat her down. The rest of the group had followed suit and sat down as well as Elaine’s mother began to busy herself about the kitchen. She began to pull out various ingredients and began to make breakfast as the rest of the group sat in silence.

“I just texted Allison and told her I had to call out again today,” Elaine said as she placed her phone on to the kitchen table.

“Good. I want to take you to the doctor again today and we need to really talk about this. Not rush through it so you can get to work,” her mother replied with her attention now fixed on the stove. Elaine knew her mother and she always tried to busy herself with something when she was stressed.

Elaine glanced across the table at Jeff who was staring down into his hands with a pale face. She hated that he had to go through this just as much as she hated going through it. How did he feel? He was in a room full of people he didn’t know being judged relentlessly. She couldn’t imagine that it was a very comforting feeling.

“So not-boyfriend and not-girlfriend,” Brian said as he leaned back in his chair and interrupted Elaine’s thoughts. “What are you two going to do?”

Elaine shook her head and nervously rubbed at the back of her neck. “I-I don’t...”

“That’s not your business, Brian,” Elaine’s mother quickly interjected as she began to place the pancakes she’d been making on to the table. Brian nodded submissively and without further questions began to dish out the food as Elaine’s mother sat down at the head of the table. “Eat,” she said, pushing the plate towards. “You aren’t eating for you anymore.”

It was an awkward breakfast filled with silences and no one knowing what to say. Brian tried to strike up conversation again but this time with Jeff about the team but his responses were just short vague. Elaine’s mother didn’t bother trying to speak other than to pester Elaine to eat. She didn’t think she could digest anything if she tried, but she somehow managed to choke down a small stack of pancakes anyway.

When the table was cleared and the dishes put away after the most uncomfortable meal of her life was over, Elaine’s mother sat back down at the table and gestured for Elaine to come and join her. Elaine plopped back down into the chair she’d been seated in before. She knew she wasn’t going to like where this was going.

“If you two don’t mind,” her mother started, “ I’d like to talk to my daughter alone.”

Jeff nodded in understanding as he began to fish through his jeans for his keys. It was almost like he had been waiting all morning to be granted permission to leave, which Elaine was almost certain he had. “I’ll call you tonight,” he mumbled with a weak smile.

Elaine returned the favor as she watched him follow Brian out the door, his head hung low in pure exhaustion.

As soon as the door shut, Elaine heard her mother exhale the breath she was certain she’d been holding all morning. “Ok, Lainey. No bullshit, ok?”

Elaine nodded slowly, not able to speak the lump in her throat was so huge. Her stomach felt heavier than it ever had in her whole life and her mother asking her to be honest didn’t ease her nerves in the least bit..

“Tell me what happened.”

It was Elaine’s turn this time to release the deep breath that she had been holding in. She tried to swallow unsuccessfully and instead just decided to jump into the story “I went out with Em and I met Jeff there. I don’t know I was just being impulsive and...”

“Honey, if you wanted on the pill you could have just asked,” her mother interjected. She placed her hands atop Elaine’s and shook her in frustration. “Have I not been welcoming to you? Your Father and I always taught you that you could tell us anything.”

“I know,” Elaine said squeezing her mother’s hands back. “I know, it’s just, it was impulsive and I wasn’t thinking and it was one time but I guess it doesn’t really matter now.”

Elaine drew back her hands and began to rub her tired eyes. She was beyond exhausted at this point. Her body ached and she was racked with nausea, not to mention that her head was spinning in every direction and her guilty conscience was currently making her feel like some new age Charles Manson.

“I know that you don’t want to talk about it,” her mother started hesitantly. “But you have a lot less time than you think you do. How far along are you?”

“8 weeks. I went to Dr. Handler yesterday.”

“Well, like I said, you don’t have as much time as you think you do, dear.” Her mother ran her fingers through her hair before nestling them back down onto the kitchen table, hands firmly clasped together with nerves. “Did you and Jeff talk about what you want to do?”

Elaine shook her head.

“Do you want to keep it?”

Elaine shook her head again.

Her mother nodded and Elaine was beginning to realize the choice she was going to have to make. Her stomach sank again as her mother gave her a weak smile. “You should go get some rest and we’ll talk about this later.”

Elaine didn’t want to talk about later. She didn’t want to talk about it now. She wanted it all to just go away and for her to wake up tomorrow morning in her bed for this all to be just some sick fever dream, but that wouldn’t happen and she knew that. All she could do was gather the strength to walk back up the stairs and collapse back into her sheets with exhaustion until she felt ready to face the world again.

On the other side of town, Jeff was trying to escape himself. His goal was just to put as much distance between himself and the little yellow city house he had spent the night in. All that he wanted in that moment was a remote location and somewhere to puke. He had just pulled off into an empty park when his phone began to go off. He didn’t want to, but he knew he would regret it if he didn’t answer. Upon hearing the voice on the other end, however, he immediately regretted answering.

“I’m getting real sick of babysitting you, Rookie,” Eric Staal grumbled on the other line.

“I’m sorry,” Jeff apologized not even trying to mask the exhaustion in his voice. “It’s been a rough 24 hours.”

“Well congrats, because it’s only going to get worse. We’ve been in gear for 20 minutes waiting for you to get here so we can skate. Coach isn’t really thrilled about you skipping.”

“Fuck...” Jeff grumbled as he looked down at the clock angrily glaring the time into his tired eyes. “I had car trouble. I’ll be there in 10.”

Jeff hung up the phone and immediately turned his car on and back around. It looked like he wasn’t going to get to puke after all.

Jeff arrived at the PNC arena a grand total of 40 minutes late for practice. It was an open practice too, so he knew that the coaching staff was going to be even that much more frustrated with him. He geared up as fast as he could but was still caught by Eric before he could even leave the locker room. “What’s been up with you lately? No bullshit,” he said leaning against the locker room door frame.

“Look, I just had a really rough night, ok?” Jeff said. He grabbed his stick and started for the door but was stopped by Eric again.

“Talk.”

“Jesus...fuck...I was with a girl alright?” Jeff began to nervously rub at his face and try to scope every possible way to get around Eric and out the stupid too hot locker room, but Eric wasn’t having that.

“Are you seeing someone?” Eric asked, genuinely interested at this point and not just trying to be a nosy friend.

“No, it’s...it’s complicated. I don’t...”

“It’s that girl isn’t it?” Eric asked. Jeff’s heart sank as he suddenly remembered calling Eric and freaking out and him showing up the next morning to pull him out of bed and force him to go to practice. He sat in the silence of the memory for only a few seconds before Eric spoke again. “She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Jeff replied in a hoarse whisper that was barely even audible to himself. Eric nodded before leaning his stick against the locker room door and turning back to go to the ice.

“Get out of your gear. You’ve got the flu today,” he said before walking away and leaving Jeff alone. The second Eric was out of his vision, he finally felt the nausea he’d been trying to battle all morning surface as he emptied his breakfast into the locker room trash can. He quickly wiped off his face before beginning to peel of the layers of practice clothing he was wearing.

It hadn’t even been 24 hours since he learned his latest one night stand was now carrying around his spawn inside of her womb. It was his. She was a virgin, the condom broke, there was no way it wasn’t. They had barely even spoken about what she had wanted to do. Did she want to keep it? Did she not? Did he have to pay if she was going to terminate it?

His thoughts were interrupted when he was sliding back on his jeans to Eric entering the locker and beginning to peel off his gear as well. “Don’t you have to stay for practice?” Jeff asked.

Eric shook his head. “I told Coach you were too sick to drive. You know, just being a good captain and taking care of my team.”

Jeff gave a weak chuckle as he slumped down on the bench and watched Eric change and collect his things. He was awful at reading him, but then again, Jeff was awful at reading people in general. It was just a skill he had never picked up on. It didn’t bother him too much since he wasn’t exactly an extrovert, but now he wished that he could read what Eric was thinking. He was going to assume it was somewhere in between “I am going to kill this kid” and “I’m just really happy I have a reason to ditch practice”.

Eric slid his t-shirt on before gesturing for Jeff to follow him out of the locker room. He did so much in the manner of a well trained dog. Jeff felt like that most days, always following orders and only speaking when he was spoken too. He could have it so much worse, and he knew that, but sometimes he felt like being famous was more of a burden than a blessing. He really felt this as he stepped out into the morning sun and saw the fans already lined up, waiting for autographs as the cars of the players passed by. “We won’t stop,” Eric quickly reassured him as he followed his line of vision.

Jeff silently thanked him with a nod and followed to Eric’s car. “Thanks for covering for me,” he said once he was seated and buckled up. “I appreciate it.”

“Oh spending the afternoon with me and Tanya is going to be so much worse than practice, Rookie,” he said with a laugh.

Tanya. God damnit he was in trouble.

Jeff really loved Tanya. He loved Eric’s whole family, honestly. They reminded him a lot of his own and he found comfort in that being so far from home. Unfortunately, this mean they were just as tough on him as his family would be and Tanya was going to show no mercy.

He heard the muted sounds of the fans asking the car to stop and waving their signs and t-shirts as Eric pulled out of the parking lot. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the passenger’s side window and took a deep breath. “I’ve never felt this exhausted in my life,” he mumbled into the window.

“I could imagine,” Eric said, eyes still on the road. “Well walk me through what happened.”

“She called me yesterday during practice,” Jeff started as he sat up in his seat. “That was the call I took. Anyway, she asked me to dinner and she told me she needed to talk but I’ll be honest, I didn’t know about what. I took her out and well, things went kind of sour.”

“She dropped the bomb on you in a restaurant?”

“I don’t think she meant to,” Jeff said with a shrug. “Basically, the valet recognized me and I learned pretty fast that she had no idea who I was or anything like that.”

“How?” Eric said giving a questioning look to the road before him. It was a foreign concept for him and for Jeff too that there were people who actually grew up not watching hockey.

“I don’t know, but she started freaking out and I couldn’t calm her down and then, well, she dropped the bomb.”

“Did anyone hear? If that get’s to the press...” Eric trailed off and tore his gaze from the road to give Jeff a brief worried look. He knew just how heinous the media could be and they would be even more relentless to the NHL’s golden boy.

“I don’t think anyone did. At least, I hope not.” Jeff ran his fingers through his hair and sighed before continuing on. “I mean, we didn’t keep talking about it there. We left and went to the arena and talked because I knew no one was there.”

“What’s the decision?”

Jeff gave Eric a quizzical look. Decision? “What do you mean?”

“Well, what are you two going to do?” he asked. “I mean she contacted you so I guess she values your opinion. Does that mean she wants to keep it? She might be considering it now that she knows you make a pretty decent amount.”

Jeff hadn’t thought about that. He wanted to reason that Elaine wasn’t like that and that she wouldn’t have a child just to take money from his pocket, but his mind was instantly flooded with the memories of every girl who had crawled into his bed just after introducing himself. “We didn’t really talk about it.”

“How?” Eric visibly shook his head and sighed as he turned the car in to the neighborhood. “That’s kind of a big deal. How far along is she?”

Jeff began to nervously wring his hands together. “I..I don’t know.”

“Christ, Skinner, did you even talk to the girl?”

“Yes!”

“About what?”

Jeff went silent. They had avoided the topic for most of the night other than to discuss the shock they were both feeling. It wasn’t really a conversation he had wanted to have. “Well I spent the night because I didn’t want her to stay alone.”

“And?”

“She lives with her mom who came home the next morning and she told her. I guess she was going to talk to her about it.” Jeff sighed and leaned back into the leather seat. “Better her than me, I guess. I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Well you need to figure out really fast,” Eric said as he turned the car in to the driveway of the Staal family home. “Because the last thing the team needs is for it’s rookie to be involved in some custody battle.”

Jeff nodded. He knew Eric was only being so harsh because he was thinking of how this was going to affect the team. He was the captain, it was his job to think like that but it was only making Jeff feel more and more anxious. He knew that he screwed up. He was just sick of hearing it.

“Daddy!”

As they were climbing out of the car, the two were immediately created by Eric’s oldest son Parker tottering across the lawn with his arms outstretched for his dad. Eric instantly scooped him up and swung him around, the child’s laughter filling the air. Tanya was standing on the front steps with their second son, Levi, in her arms.

“Hey, Jeff,” she said with a smile as he approached the house. “I didn’t know you were coming over or I would have at least tried to clean up.”

“It’s fine,” he said with a laugh. “I wasn’t really expecting to come over either.”

She gave him a puzzled look but was interrupted as Eric started to run for the door with Parker slung over his shoulder like a laundry bag.

“Eric, put him down before you give him a concussion,” she fussed.

“Hey, all great hockey players will get one at some point, right buddy?” he said with a cheerful laugh as he ruffled his son’s blonde hair. Tanya only rolled her eyes as she followed her husband in to the house with Jeff falling behind.

He loved Eric’s family. He wanted that someday, to be able to come home from practice to a beautiful wife who loved him no matter what and to happy. healthy children. His mind went back to Elaine and his stomach sank. He wasn’t ready for that. There was no way that after only one “date” would the two have a relationship like Eric and Tanya. Would the kid even be happy if they kept it? Would he have to marry her?

“So what’s up with the impromptu visit?” Tanya asked Eric after he had released Parker who went skittering off in the opposite direction.

“Well, Jeff here needs some advice,” he said. Jeff was now sitting at the bar of their kitchen watching as Tanya made lunch and Eric rummaged through the fridge for.

“Well I’m going to assume that one, it is lady advice and two, it must be pretty substantial if you two are missing practice,” she said without even looking up from the sandwiches she was making for the boys. “Am I right?”

Jeff nodded. Eric handed him a glass of water but his throat felt so tight he didn’t even know if liquid would be able to pass through.

“Tanya, you could never hate me, could you?” he sheepishly asked staring down into the glass.

She instantly laughed and then gave Jeff a warm smile. “No, Jeff. I don’t think I could. You’re like family, you know that.”

Somehow, that thought didn’t make him feel any better. He looked up at Eric who was standing behind Tanya giving him the look to go ahead and get it over with. Jeff took a deep breath and then another long gulp of the ice cold water in front of him.

“Well, it is a girl issue,” he started, his voice now shaking. “But it’s complicated. Really complicated.”

Tanya raised an eyebrow and looked up from the boys lunch. Jeff could tell she didn’t like where this was going and his stomach began to do more somersaults at once than a chinese gymnast.

“Continue...” she said, keeping her eyes on him.

“She’s pregnant.”

Jeff instantly shut his eyes tight after spitting the words out. He felt sick to his stomach and he wanted nothing more than to just bolt out of the house and run as far away as he could. He just wanted to be a kid again in that moment and to pretend that responsibilities did not exist.

“Well that’s an issue,” Tanya said as she exhaled the breath she had been holding. “Eric give the boys lunch,” she said as she turned to him and shoved the two plastic plates in his hands.

Eric nodded and gave Jeff some sort of sympathetic glance before leaving the room to go hunt down his sons. Now there was really no one left to save him.

“Jeff, what were you thinking?” Tanya asked once it was just the two of them. Her voice was soft and more concerned than Jeff had heard in the past day. He felt the tears starting to well up in his eyes. It was just really nice for someone to worry about him as he felt like no one had.

“It was an accident,” he said, wiping the tears away. “I meant to tell her in the morning but she was gone. She’s not my girlfriend, it was just a one time thing.”

Tanya walked around the bar and wrapped her slender arms around Jeff. He’d been trying so hard to keep it together but the second Tanya went to comfort him, he lost it.

He’d been so worried about Elaine, about the team, about what all of this was going to mean that he hadn’t even taken two seconds out of his day to figure out if he was ok. The truth was, he wasn’t.

Tanya pulled away and reached over to hand Jeff a box of kleenex from the counter. He thanked her before cleaning up his face the best he could. “Does she know what she wants to do yet?” Tanya asked.

Jeff shook his head. “It was such a blur that we didn’t really figure anything out.”

“Well,” Tanya said as she sat down on the stool next to Jeff, “you have one choice in this Jeff, and I want you to realize that. Do you know what it is?”

Jeff shook his head.

“You support her. No matter what she chooses, no matter what she says, you support her.” Tanya handed Jeff another tissue. “I know that it’s hard for both of you, but you can hide it and she can’t.”

Jeff nodded and wiped at his face again. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Tanya said. She put a hand on Jeff’s shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “It will get easier, I promise. But right now what you need to do is just support her and let her come to a decision.”

“And why don’t I get a say?” Jeff asked.

Tanya laughed at this. “Because number one, it’s your fault and number two, if you wanted to keep it, you don’t have to carry it for nine months.”

Eric came back in the room with a much more sympathetic look on his face. He leaned against the bar next to Tanya and gave a sigh. “How do you feel, Rookie?”

“Better, I guess,” Jeff mumbled as he took another sip of water. “I’m just exhausted.”

“I can take you back to the arena to get your car if you want, or you’re welcome to crash here.”

“I’d like to crash here for a little while, if that’s ok,” Jeff said with a weary smile. Eric nodded and Tanya gave his shoulder another squeeze.

“That’s fine. Eric are you still planning on having the team cookout tonight?” she asked turning towards her husband.

“Shit, I forgot that thing was tonight,” he mumbled as he instantly darted for the family calendar on the fridge.

“Yeah that’s why we’ve been grocery shopping all week, babe,” Tanya said with an audible amount of agitation in her voice. “Jeff,” she said turning back to him, “Why don’t you invite this girl to the cookout tonight? It would give you some time to talk to her not about what’s going on and let everyone meet her.”

“She’s not my girlfriend, Tanya,” Jeff defensively responded.

“No one said she was,” Eric interjected. “But I think Tanya has a point. She might need a distraction just as much as you need one.”

Jeff nodded and sighed. It was going to be a rough few months.

Elaine was having the same thought when she woke up that afternoon in her bed. The sheets still smelled like Jeff and somehow the scent wasn’t comforting. She knew she’d have to peel herself out from the comfort of her sheets and trudge down the stairs to talk with her mom and make a decision. She hated that word. “Decision”. What was she deciding anyway? If she wanted it? If she didn’t?

There was a knock at the door and her mother slowly peeked through. “Did you sleep ok?”

Elaine nodded. She’d slept for almost three hours she could assume, but she still felt exhausted. Her mother used to accuse her of over sleeping when she was young and that it would make her even more tired. Somehow she thought that now she could sleep for two whole days straight and she would still be exhausted.

Her mother sat down on the edge of the bed and gave her a sad smile. “Do you want to talk?”

“I guess,” Elaine mumbled with a shrug. “I just want to get this over with.”

Her mother nodded. “Well, you told me earlier, if you remember, that you didn’t want it. Does that still stand?”

Elaine nodded. It wasn’t that she never wanted kids, that wasn’t true. She just didn’t want one now. She was too young. She still hadn’t even gone to school yet. Most of all, she knew for a fact that she didn’t want to put that burden on Jeff. If it wasn’t for Em, she wouldn’t have even told him, but now he knew and that was that.

“Well, from there you have two options,” her mother started. “You can carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption, or you can terminate the pregnancy.”

Elaine had really only heard the word terminate used once. On Christmas Eve when waiting to make sure she was asleep, Elaine’s dad always watch the Terminator movies. There was always some marathon of them on every year so he watched them. One year, he’d let her stay up and watch one, even though she ended up falling asleep within the first half hour. Seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger was still her only concept of the word terminate and it didn’t make her feel too good.

“What do you think?” Elaine asked her mother after a few minutes of silence.

“Honey, it’s not my body,” she said. She placed a hand on Elaine’s knee and gave her the most comforting smile she could. “I am going to support you through whatever you choose to do and don’t think for a second that I am going to love you any less because of it.”

Elaine noticed at this point her mother was crying. She wanted to yell at her stop as she had seen too many tears in the past few days, but instead she decided to just sit up and hug her mother as tightly as she could.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Lainey. So much.” Her mother pulled back from the hug and held her daughters face in her hands. “I do and nothing, absolutely nothing you do is going to change that.”

Elaine nodded again and held her mothers hand that still cupped her face. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She knew the answer. She knew what she wanted to do, but was she brave enough? She had her mother’s support and that was all she needed, but it didn't make it any easier.

“I want to terminate,” she said, not even opening her eyes. Her mother squeezed a bit tighter and she could that she was nodding her head.

“I’ll go call.”

She released Elaine and left the room without Elaine even opening her eyes once. Her stomach felt like an anvil and her whole head was reeling. She felt awful, but what other choice did she have? She could not be a mother. She just couldn't.

She threw her body back into the pillows and tried to breathe the best she could. It was all that she could to make the world stop spinning. It was just her and the silence and nothing else.