All These Things That I've Done

Jeff woke up with blurry eyes to the abrasive Raleigh sun streaking through his blinds. His body was exhausted. Between training camp and a month of preseason games, not to mention Elaine, he’d barely been able to sleep at all. Today, however, was his day off.

A low maintenance day for Jeff Skinner was anything but low maintenance. There was a long list of emails to reply to, phone calls to return, sisters to skype, possible extra practices and today his to-do list included visiting an adoption agency.

Elaine had decided that she wanted to have all the details worked out early on so things would be less stressful down the line. Jeff had resisted every urge to laugh directly in her face. None of this was going to be easy, yet here he was along for the ride.

The thought of leaving her to fend for herself had never crossed his mind. He liked Elaine. She was a bit plain, but in a pretty way. She was painfully shy, but when she came out of her shell she had a fire that could only be rivalled by all of his sisters put together. She was fun, passionate, and a good friend. Friend. Elaine is a friend, he repeated to himself.

Since their night together, Jeff had caught himself going back and forth. He wanted to push the thoughts out of his head and not think of her that way anymore. It’d make things harder for her, but as he lay in his bed fighting the urge to get up, all he could think about was her.

Jeff had spent the night with plenty of women. He preferred to use his hockey fame to sleep with older women, but being with Elaine was so different. He’d never found a pair of hips that curved like hers. He could remember every freckle on her back, the dip of her shoulders, and the milky complexion of her untanned skin.

The sunlight beaming down on him had made him begin to sweat. He’d never see her like he that night. Her body was ruined because of him.

Jeff pulled himself up and sat on the edge of his bed. If Elaine felt guilty, she had to know he felt guilty too. He’d been the one who hadn’t spoken to her about the condom breaking. He wasn’t careful. Thankfully, Elaine had decided on adoption. It was like his penance for what he’d done.

He wouldn’t have blamed her if she wanted the abortion. He just wanted her to be happy. He could feel his skin growing warm at the thought of her curled up next to him, throwing her head back in laughter and the sunlight catching on her strawberry blonde hair. He had to stop thinking about her like this.

He finally got off the bed and shuffled his way in to his kitchen. His cell phone sat on the counter glaring with the piles of unread emails and text messages. He had to keep his phone in the kitchen since it went off so many times it would keep him up all through the night. He unlocked the phone and scrolled down to his unread text from Elaine.

‘Morning. I’ll pick you up at noon, ok? I figured we could grab lunch first.’

Jeff shouldn’t have, but he laughed at the text. She had no idea what it would be like to try and grab lunch with him. It was more like he would be lunch for the media.

He ignored the rest of his messages and started for the bathroom shedding his clothes along the way. He turned on the shower and slowly stepped inside the stall pushing his body under the warm stream of water. He knew it would feel real today. Everyone would be asking Elaine questions and he would just sit there realizing there was literally a kid inside of her, a kid that was going to someone else.

It wasn’t like Jeff wanted to be a parent. It was just all so strange. He tousled his hair in the water and applied a light amount of shampoo. He held his breath as he pushed his whole face in to the water and let the soap drip down his chest and back.

He felt so lucky to be a guy. He knew he was ridiculously privileged in life but as he opened his eyes in the shower and stared down at his bare stomach he felt that much more grateful. He had the chance to hide. Elaine didn’t.

Jeff stepped out of the shower and began to dry himself off trying to shake out his shower thoughts. He instead tried to focus on what the hell one was supposed to wear when meeting an adoption agent. He tore through his drawers with vigor trying to find something that was just casual enough. He was pulling a polo shirt over his head when he heard his phone vibrating on the kitchen counter.

He finished slipping on the shirt and answered the phone without even checking to see who it was. “Hello?”

“Hey, I’m downstairs,” Elaine’s voice answered from the other end. Her voice was so different to him. It always shook no matter how calm she was.

“Oh man, I didn’t know I had slept that late,” Jeff mumbled as she stared at the clock on his stove. “I’ll be down in a second.”

He hung up the phone and began to slide in to a pair of khaki pants and boat shoes. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and groaned. He looked more like a preppy high school student than a young man who worked in the sports industry. He shrugged his shoulders and grabbed a light jacket before taking off out of the apartment and down the stairs.

Elaine’s tiny bronze Ford Taurus was waiting for him outside of the building. He’d insisted she drive since the agency was on his side of town anyway. Elaine had told him she found driving soothing anyway and Jeff hated it. It was a perfect compromise.

“Good morning,” he said cheerfully as he slid in to the passenger’s seat. Elaine had put on a light amount of makeup and wore a sundress with flowers all over as well as a loose sweater like always. He didn’t know if it was his infatuation blinding his vision, but he swore he could see the pregnancy glow.

“It’s already noon,” she laughed as she pulled out of the parking lot of the apartment complex. “Where do you want to get lunch?”

“Preferably somewhere low-key,” Jeff replied. He didn’t want a lunch of signing little kid’s baseball caps and getting slaps on the backs from dad’s like he was their own son. “There’s a bistro up here if you take right,” he said gesturing forward.

Elaine followed his directions with her eyes fixed on the road. Jeff had noticed that Elaine had this intense conviction with everything she did. She constantly focused on the task at hand so much that the rest of the world faded around her.

The two parked the car, entered the restaurant, and sat down to eat with no fuss around Jeff at all, something that made him more pleased than he would let on. “Do people normally come up to you in public if they recognize you?” Elaine asked without pulling her eyes from the menu.

“It depends on where I am,” Jeff replied. “Like at the mall or a restaurant, sure. Anywhere else it really kind of depends.”

“I’m just not a hockey fan so I can’t wrap my head around this whole thing,” Elaine mumbled. Jeff blushed lightly. He was Canadian and the one thing he couldn’t wrap his head around was someone not being a hockey fan.

“Are you ready to order?” the waitress asked as she returned to the table.

“I’ll have a Caesar salad,” Elaine replied as she folded her hands delicately over her menu.

“That’s all?” Jeff asked with a confused look. Elaine laughed and nodded. Jeff ordered a burger quickly before handing the waitress his menu and ushering her away. “Shouldn’t you be eating more? I mean you’re eating for…”

“Stop,” she quickly interjected. “Don’t start talking to me like that.”

Jeff felt himself blush again and busied himself with his napkin. He wanted to worry about her and the baby. He wanted to take care of her, but he knew the second he did, they would both change their minds and that wasn’t good for anyone.

“So tell me about this agency then,” Jeff said trying to change the subject smoothly. He was genuinely interested.

“Well it’s not a religious organization,” she started as she folded her napkin in her lap. “They do open adoptions so we’d meet the parents before and go through the whole process together.”

“I like that idea,” Jeff replied with a smile. It made him comfortable knowing that he would be able to meet the parents and spend time with them so the baby wasn’t just being shipped off to random people.

“That’s why I chose it, really,” Elaine said simply. “I kind of don’t want to send the baby off with just anyone.”

Jeff laughed at Elaine being able to say his thought aloud. She raised an eyebrow in confusion but Jeff just waved his hand. She shook her head and looked up as the waitress arrived with their food. She placed the plates down and smiled as she asked if they needed anything else.

“We’re fine,” Jeff replied as the waitress nodded and walked away. “So are you going to go back to work?” he asked stuffing a French fry in to his mouth.

Elaine nodded as she picked at her salad. “I don’t really have a choice.”

“I don’t mind paying for your medical bills…”

“Jeff stop,” Elaine placed her fork down and looked at him with weak eyes. “I don’t want you to be involved if you’re…if you’re going to try and take care of me like I’m your girlfriend or something ok? It’s a business agreement, alright? And let’s leave it at that.”

If a heart breaking made a noise it would have deafened the whole restaurant. Jeff took a deep breath and tried to keep his composure. Elaine was right and he knew it. That was what hurt him the most.
-

Jeff and Elaine had done their best to ease the tension, but it was still there. Jeff had acted like he wasn’t hurt, yet it still showed on his face. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He couldn’t help it. Elaine had done her best to apologize, but Jeff knew she had a point earlier. He had to accept it.
The two sat now side by side on a leather sofa in the adoption agency waiting to meet with their agent. Jeff’s legs shook up and down with nerves but Elaine looked oddly composed. Her hands were folded and her face was like stone. Was she too exhausted to be nervous? Jeff wondered. He couldn’t read her though he knew she could read him.

“Miss Young?” An older woman in a pantsuit and glasses approached them with a wide warm smile upon her face. Her graying hair was pulled back tightly against the back of her head.

Despite her sharp features, she looked kind and friendly.

Elaine stood up and smoothed out her sundress. Jeff tried to haphazardly to fix his shirt but failed miserably. It was still wrinkled no matter what he did.

“Nice to meet you,” Elaine replied politely and extended her hand for the other woman to shake.

“This is my friend,” she continued gesturing to Jeff, “And the father, Jeff.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jeff said and extended his hand as well for the older woman to shake.

“Well it’s nice to meet you both,” she replied with a thick southern drawl as she shook both of their hands. “My name is Mrs. Olson and I’m going to be your agent. Why don’t you two follow me back to my office and we’ll go ahead and get started.”

Jeff gestured for Elaine to take the lead and then followed behind the two women. The office had polished hardwood floors to the point that they mirrored everything. Jeff could remember being a little kid and floors like that scaring him as he feared he would float away. Now he just wished he would.

They entered a small room with warm yellow walls, plastic plants everywhere, and dozens of pictures of happy families with tiny babies. They all made him feel sick.

Mrs. Olson sat down behind her large oak desk and gestured for Jeff and Elaine to sit in the two leather chairs directly in front of her. They both sat down, Jeff to the left and Elaine to the right.

“So what made you two decide that adoption is the decision for you?”

Jeff looked to Elaine for the answer. This was all her. He was here for support.

“I’m young,” she started with a confidence that surprised Jeff. “The baby was an accident and I just think it should be with someone who is financially able to support it.”

Mrs. Olson looked to Jeff. He simply nodded.

“Well what kind of family are you two looking for?” she asked as she folded her hands on the top of her desk. She looked over her glasses at Elaine and smiled. “We are accepting of all kinds of families here.”

“I think we’re mostly open to anything really,” Elaine said with a laugh. She looked over at Jeff who hurriedly nodded in return.

Mrs. Olson nodded and began to shuffle through a stack of papers neatly arranged on top of her desk. “I have the profiles of a couple of families that I would like for you to look at and let me know which ones you would be interested in pursuing. Do you have your up to date medical information?”

Elaine nodded and produced a manila folder from the bag she was carrying. She passed it to Mrs. Olson who smiled a thank you. In exchange, she handed Elaine half the stack of folders and Jeff the others. There were about 12 in total. It would be a lot to go through.

“If you have any questions feel free to ask,” Mrs. Olson said with a smile. She turned her chair to face her computer and began to busy herself typing. Jeff glanced over at Elaine who had already dove head first in to the folders. She was making tabs and asking for pens to take notes.

Jeff on the other hand just read through each folder like it was a vacation brochure. His first couple, Edna and Bill from Houston, Texas and relocated to Durham North Carolina were both retired and looking to start over from the literal bottom. Jeff didn’t really like the idea of an older couple and placed the folder back down on to the desk.

He felt like all of the candidates had some sort of flaw. One couple had only been married for six months. Another couple had been together for years but already had five children. No one seemed to be the fit.

He glanced over at Elaine who was busily scribbling all over one folder though Jeff could not quite make out who the couple was. She seemed fairly pleased with whoever it was.

“Mrs. Olson?” she asked placing the folder down on the down on the desk and pushing it forward. “How long have these two been waiting?

Mrs. Olson pulled the folder forward and scanned the document fairly quickly. “Probably about three years I’d say. The paperwork does look a little out of date.”

Elaine nodded and pulled the folder back in to her lap. She looked over at Jeff who was still sitting with his hands folded in his lap and his folders all stacked on the desk. “Are you done?” she asked furrowing her brows in confusion.

“I didn’t like them.”

Elaine sighed and grabbed Jeff’s stack to add to her own. She spent another half hour carefully annotating each application as Mrs. Olson occasionally interrupted to ask the two of them questions and create a profile for them.

The whole thing felt like an online dating service. Jeff remembered his sisters daring him to sign up for one in high school and how weird the whole experience had been. It all felt too easy to just be able to pick from a random webpage the person you wanted to date. Jeff liked spontaneity. Judging by Elaine’s detailed notes and concentration, she did not.

After a full hour in the office, the meeting was over. Elaine was allowed to take the profiles home where she would continue to extensively over analyze them. Jeff was just happy he didn’t have to worry about it anymore. He was there for support and Elaine looked like she had a pretty good handle on this part.

“Am I taking you back to your place?” Elaine asked as the two left the building and made their way back to her car.

Jeff shook his head. “I was actually wondering if you could take me to the arena? Some guys wanted to run some drills even if it’s our off day. You’re welcome to hang around and you know watch or work on your applications.”

He watched Elaine’s face tense. The hockey world was still foreign to her. His world was still foreign to her.

“You don’t think that’s weird? Me, looking at adoption applications while you practice for a professional sport with your professional teammates.”

“I’d like for you to get to know my team,” Jeff said with a sigh as he climbed in to the passenger’s seat. He hooked his seatbelt then leaned over to face her. “I don’t want to stop getting to know you. We’re going to be in each other’s lives and it would be nice if you would give mine a chance.”

Elaine clasped her hands on the steering wheel and sighed. She kept her eyes forward but nodded in agreement. “I’ll hang out for a little bit.”

-

Jeff instructed Elaine on how to get to the arena from the office. It wasn’t an area of town she generally frequented. It was across the street from the State Fairgrounds that Elaine had not visited since she was a little girl, and it was next to the local college football team’s stadium. She had really never had a reason to be there.

Elaine parked her car in Jeff’s usual spot and watched as Jeff led her in to the back entrance of the arena. Memories of the night Elaine had told him began to flood back as he was now here with her. He looked over at her. Her face looked coated with nerves. “You ok?”

“Can I tell you something and you won’t make fun of me?” She asked clutching the folders tightly to her chest.

“Of course.”

She let out a deep exhale and started to loosen her grip on the papers. “I’m nervous about talking to your team. I suck at making friends and at some point they’re going to know I’m carrying your baby and what the hell are they going to think of that?”

“They’re going to respect us,” Jeff said with a warm smile. He had never even had a thought of anyone on his team disrespecting him or Elaine. “Teams are like family, Elaine. They may not agree with it, but they’ll still support us. Remember how nice everyone was at the cookout?”
Jeff certainly did. Everyone had their plus one and had collectively worked to make everyone feel included. He could remember Tanya introducing Elaine to everyone and staying close by her since she knew she was nervous. She’d introduced her individually to most of the team and had kept her company while the guys played a pickup street game. He hoped Tanya’s kindness hadn’t been wasted and made Elaine realize that just because they played a professional sport that they weren’t any different.

When they entered the area near the locker room, Jeff saw Eric and his brother Jordan already suited up and ready. “Hey rookie,” Eric said with a smile as the two approached. “And hello Elaine. Thought I wouldn’t remember your name?”

Elaine gave a nervous laugh. Jeff smiled. “You can go ahead and sit. I’m going to go change. Want to walk her over, Jordan?”

Jordan nodded in response and gestured for her to follow him. As they got further down the hall Jeff could hear the two chatting and he smiled to himself.

“So what’s up Rookie?” Eric asked in a more serious town. It was anything but your casual ‘What’s up?’

“She’s giving the baby up for adoption,” Jeff replied as he entered the locker room and began to strip down to change in to his gear. “She went to have a consultation to terminate and she wasn’t’ ok with it at all. She decided she wants to do adoption.”

“And you’re ok with that?” Eric asked as he sat down on the bench and watched Jeff pull on his pads and practice jersey. “If you’re going to keep her around like you are now, everyone is going to know. Do you want that?”

“I’d rather have that then desert her, Eric,” Jeff said in a sharp response. He turned to face his captain with a grim expression on his face. “I don’t really care what anyone thinks of me at this point. There’s a teenage girl out there carrying my baby and she needs all the support I can give her. It’s my fault and I owe it to her.”

“That’s very noble of you,” Eric said folding his arms over his chest.

“No, it’s just common sense.”

Jeff slammed his locker shut and sat down on the bench next to Eric to begin lacing up his skates. Eric gave him a pat on the back and sighed. “I’m sorry if I’m not being the best mentor. I’ve never really done this before.”

Jeff tightened his laces and slid his foot in to the right skate. “I get it. It’s just all so weird. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if I’m being a nuisance and on top of all of this…”

“You really like her, don’t you?” Eric finished for him.

Jeff nodded keeping his focus downward on his skates. He couldn’t help it. Elaine was wonderful. Everything about her made him smile. Jeff having to keep his distance from her so she didn’t feel any pressure would be, for him, even tougher than letting the baby go. At least, that was what he thought now.

“Well get out of your head rookie,” Eric said standing up. “We’ve got an offensive line to practice.”

Jeff nodded and followed Eric out of the locker room. As the two entered the arena and stepped on the ice, Jeff was stunned to see Jordan and their teammate Alexander standing on the ice with Elaine. She was still in her sneakers but was laughing as Jordan lightly held her hands and pulled her forward. Alexander looked to Eric and Jeff and then laughed while pointing to Elaine and Jordan. “Can you believe she never ice skated before?” he said in his thick accent.

Elaine looked to Jeff and gave him the warmest smile he had ever seen. “Somehow I can,” he replied with a laugh.

Jordan led her over to where the two had entered the ice. Elaine stumbled a bit and Jeff immediately reached forward and caught her by the forearms. “Sorry,” she apologized with a smile still on her face.

Jeff returned the favor and slowly began to guide her back over to where she had placed the folders on a spectator’s seat. “Feeling more comfortable now?” he asked as she stood on the concrete next to the ice.

She smiled brightly and nodded. “More than ever.”