I Could Never Pretend

“So how’s Amelia doing with the documentary?” Spike asked Jeff as the three men found a table at the back of the bar. It had been three weeks since Jeff had given Amelia the project and it was nearly finished.

“Oh Dimitry says she’s doing great.” Jeff grinned before taking a large swig of beer. “It’s not like she’s doing anything new but I think she’s enjoying the creative freedom.”

“Maybe if there is a third film we’ll have to get her in the first unit.” Spike smiled. Jeff, Spike and Johnny had decided to indulge in a boy’s night out, while Laura finished off the wedding arrangements. With the multiple Dickhouse projects and Spike’s new film shoot commencing, this was probably the last chance they would have to relax before Jeff’s stag night next month.

“What do you think the chances are that there will be another film?” Johnny grimaced, remembering his conversation with Bam back in West Chester. Jeff and Spike turned to stare at him. “Ok, ok. There’s no need to give me that look.” He put his hands up in defence, knowing exactly what his friends were thinking. The chances of there being another film very much depended on whether or not Johnny was able to salvage his friendship with Bam and at that moment in time it did not seem very likely.

“Sorry dude. It’s not your fault.” Jeff patted Johnny on the back. “It’s just...you know the score.”

Johnny nodded and rubbed his head. “Has he let you know about the wedding?” Johnny knew that Jeff and Laura had invited Bam to their wedding but whether or not Bam would actually attend was another matter.

“Well I’ve not heard anything yet. April said she would speak to him about it. She and Phil are flying over with Ryan and Rose.” Jeff explained.

Johnny nodded. “If he does show up maybe I should try speaking to him again.” He hated the fact that he and Bam were no longer on speaking terms. No matter what he felt about the way Bam had treated Amelia, it could not change nearly ten years of friendship.

“Just make sure you’re both sober.” Spike laughed. “The last thing you want is a wedding brawl.”

Johnny frowned at the thought. Spike was right. He didn’t want to spoil Jeff’s big day. “Yeah, on second thoughts, maybe I should leave it.”

“There’ll be plenty of time to talk to him after Christmas. I’ve arranged for Bam and his manager to come over to LA for a meeting.” Jeff shrugged. “It’ll give us a proper chance to try to convince him to come back.”

“Enough about that.” Spike waved his hands dramatically. “How are things with you and Amelia? You guys seem to be all over the celebrity news at the moment.” He laughed. Both he and Jeff knew how much Amelia hated to be in the lime light. It had surprised Spike that Amelia had been so open about her relationship with Johnny. While their friend didn’t have a problem with it, everyone was aware that it didn’t make either party look particularly good.

“Ahh they’ll get bored of us eventually.” Johnny shrugged. Since their return to LA at the end of the summer Johnny and Amelia could not seem to step foot outside without their photo being snapped. It had bothered Amelia at first but she was beginning to get used to it. Johnny had put the interest down to the release of his film, along with the fact that Amelia was still married to his Jackass co star. He couldn’t really blame the press for having a field day. “Everything’s good with us though. We’re taking it nice and slow. I just feel sorry for Amelia getting all of this unwanted attention. She’s got enough on her plate what with Bam and everything.” It was a wonder Amelia was able to keep it together as much as she had. The documentary had proved a welcome distraction.

“Have you heard anything more from Bam’s lawyer?” Jeff asked, finishing his beer and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

“Not a thing.” Johnny sighed, lighting up a cigarette and ignoring the raised eyebrows of his friends. As far as they were concerned he was still supposed to be quitting. “She’s still waiting to hear about the divorce. I can see Bam being a dick about it.” If Johnny knew Bam, which he did, very well, Bam would do everything in his power to make the divorce as difficult as possible for Amelia. Johnny on the other hand, had suffered the misery of going through a divorce himself, but at least he and Mel had been amiable about it. Johnny had been the first to admit that the breakdown of their marriage was entirely his fault. Mel had hated the fact that he acted more like a child than their infant daughter, and rather than change to appease her, in retaliation Johnny had gone out of his way to be as immature as possible. He supposed that he should have acted far more grown up for a man, indeed a father, in his late twenties, but since when did Johnny listen to anybody?

“Well maybe if we can talk Bam into the third movie we can also talk him into dropping the case.” Spike wondered, interrupting Johnny’s thoughts. It was a long shot but it was worth a chance.

“We can only hope.” Johnny rubbed his stubble and exhaled a mouthful of smoke. “We can only hope.”

“Another round?” Jeff suggested, gesturing at their empty glasses. Spike and Johnny nodded in agreement.

***

Meanwhile in Westchester, April Margera was stomping around her son’s house in annoyance. To say the place was a tip would be an understatement. She was used to tidying up after the boys, but this was not the aftermath of a food fight or extravagant party. This was weeks’ worth of dirty dishes, clothes strewn across the floor and general mess. To April Margera this was unacceptable. Bam was nearly thirty years old and he knew perfectly well how to look himself, he was just choosing not to and it made April furious.

“Brandon Cole Margera, get your lazy ass out of bed.” She screamed from outside his bedroom door. In the past she would have barged right in but now she was afraid of what she might stumble upon. She banged on the door several times before standing back to wait with her arms folded. She had had just about enough of having to babysit her son. Sure, he had been a tearaway but she had hope that by now he would have managed to grow up just a little bit. She’d had no problem with his older brother.

A minute went by before she hammered on the door again, yelling his name. While raising her voice had not roused her son, it seemed to have awoken the rest of the house and she turned around to find herself face to face with a half naked Novak. “Oh Brandon, put some clothes on would you!” she exclaimed, shielding her eyes.

“What’s up Ape?” Novak asked, rubbing his eyes. It seemed he had not fully woken up yet. “What time is it?”

“It’s six o’ clock in the evening.” She trilled in disbelief. “What did you do last night?”

“Shit.” Novak laughed hoarsely. “I don’t remember.” He picked a discarded t-shirt up from the floor and without a second thought as to who it belonged to; he pulled it over his head.

“Have you been taking drugs?” April narrowed her eyes and looked her son’s friend up and down. She hated to drag up the past but something in the back of her mind raised suspicious and no matter how many times Bam told her that Novak had changed, she still couldn’t quite bring herself to believe him.

Novak looked at her sincerely and put a hand over his heart. “No Ape, I swear.”

April continued to stare at him in an attempt to figure out if he was telling the truth. He looked honest enough she decided. “I’m sorry Brandon. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I’m just worried about Bam.” She sighed and ran a hand through her greying hair. “I’ve never seen this place in such a state.”

“Want me to go wake him up?” Novak offered, gesturing to the bedroom door.

“Please.” April smiled hesitantly, wishing Phil was here with her, but he had had to work.

Novak side stepped April and tried the handle of Bam’s door. It was unlocked so without warning he pushed the door fully open. “Yo dude. Are you awake or what?” He shouted over to the lump in the bed covers, which he assumed to be Bam’s body. He walked closer until he was sure that Bam was alone. “Get up dude. April’s here and she’s not happy.”

This seemed to stir Bam and April peered around the door frame to see Bam move under the covers. “Is he alone?” she asked warily.

Novak nodded and proceeded to shake Bam. “Get the fuck up Bam.” He groaned. Where was an air horn when you needed one?

Bam mumbled something incomprehensible, but he sounded angry.

“Thanks Brandon. I can take it from here.” April patted Novak on the shoulder and walked over to Bam’s bed. Novak shrugged and loped out of the room.

“Bam, if you don’t get up this minute I’m going to give Vito the keys to the Lambo.” She crossed her arms and confidently counted to three in her head. This threat did the trick and before she reached three Bam had bolted out of bed.

“What the fuck Ape?!” He demanded, staggering to his feet. His eyes were bloodshot and it looked as if he had not slept for days. His overgrown hair was greasy and his face was covered in spots. He was still dressed in his clothes from the night before. “What’s your problem?”

“My problem Brandon, is you. What are you playing at? This house is disgusting. You look disgusting. When was the last time you washed?”

“Leave me alone would you.” Bam sulked, his face resembling that of a petulant teenager, complete with acne. When he decided his car was safe, he dropped back down on to the bed.

“I will not leave you alone Bam. I’m your mother and I am not going to let you do this to yourself.” The sight of her son in this state made her want to cry.

“What exactly am I doing to myself?” Bam raised his eyebrow and stared his mother straight in the eye.

“You’re punishing yourself for what you did to Amelia.” She told him, sitting down beside him on the edge of the bed and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“What I did to Amelia?!” Bam looked at April in disbelief. “Don’t you mean what she did to me? Leaving me for my best friend.”

“Oh Bam don’t be so childish. You know as well as anyone that you pushed her straight into Johnny’s arms. You just can’t seem to accept the fact that it’s you who’s in the wrong.” April sighed. She didn’t blame Amelia one bit for finding comfort in Johnny, but that didn’t stop her from objecting to the endless photos of them together in magazines. No wonder Bam was feeling resentful.

“If you’re just here to moan at me then forget it. I’m not listening.” Bam frowned, folding his arms and turned away from his mother.

“I only popped round to make sure that you’re coming to Jeff’s wedding, but never did I expect to find the place in such a state. You need to get help Bam.” April held onto his arm tightly.

“Help?” Bam shook his head and laughed, ignoring April’s comment about the wedding. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m being deathly serious Bam. You need to cut down on the drinking or you’ll be digging yourself an early grave. I do not want to watch my youngest son turn into an alcoholic.”

“I’m not an alcoholic!” Bam protested angrily. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Why did April have to be so interfering?

“Not yet.” April retorted, sternly. “Phil and I are moving in with you until you’ve sorted yourself out. I suggest you help me clean the house; otherwise I’m just going to throw things out or give them to charity. And no I am not joking.”

Bam started to object but realised that resistance was futile. He may as well just let April get on with it and go along with the situation. At the best he would get a clean house and meals cooked for him; at the very worst he would have to be careful about drinking in front of her.