I Could Never Pretend

“Oh hi there Bam, we weren’t expecting you.” April smiled, over the top of her grandson’s curly head. “Come on in.” She stepped back to allow him room to enter.

“No it’s ok. I can see you’re busy.” He replied, unable to take his eyes of the little boy in April’s arms. “I’ll just get going.” He took a step backwards.

“No really Bam. Come in.” April insisted. Her tone of voice was friendly but there was a spark in her eyes that told Bam he would be in trouble if he did not do as he was told. Brandon started giggling at the obvious look of despair on Bam’s face. Bam wondered if his son could even remember him.

“OK.” Bam reluctantly agreed. It wasn’t as if he had anything better to do. He followed slowly behind April as she led him into the expansive suite, where Phil was sitting on their sofa, nearly dozing off in front of the television.

“I guess you didn’t feel like partying tonight?” April raised an eyebrow as Bam took seat beside his father and sunk into the couch.

Bam simply shook his head, not particularly feeling in the mood to explain himself. He hoped that the evening was not going to continue with April’s line of interrogation and intimidation. It was surely enough that he had made the effort to come this far.

“Well that’s fine. As you can see we’re looking after Brandon tonight.” April smiled, but Bam thought he could detect a little uneasiness in his mother’s demeanour. He put this down to the assumption that Amelia had trusted April with her son and she would not be impressed if she knew that Bam was here. Bam scratched the back of his neck nervously as he glanced at his son. He felt inexplicably anxious in the presence of the little boy.

“Are you sure you want me to stay?” Bam looked at his mother, hoping for a get out of jail free card. He should have known better.

“Of course.” April smiled, seeming full of confidence once again. “In fact, would you mind keeping an eye on him for a moment?” She placed Brandon on Bam’s lap before he had chance to reply and in the blink of an eye she had disappeared into the next room.

Bam turned to Phil for assistance, but he was now asleep, leaving Bam no choice but to deal with the situation. He returned his gaze anxiously to his son, who was staring back at Bam with the very same pair of bright blue eyes. Bam, for the first time in his life, felt awkward and did not know what to say. It had been nearly a year since he had seen Brandon and he felt very much like a random stranger to the little boy rather than his father. The same little boy he was filing for sole custody over.

He knew he was being a selfish idiot. Brandon would be far better off with his mother, but it was too late and the damage had been done. Bam needed to think of his image. He couldn’t simply back down and let Amelia have an easy win. It would make him look like a fool. Well, that was not entirely true. He was perfectly capable of making himself look like a fool by himself, but still. Bam had principles and the most important principle was not to back down. Winning or losing the case did not matter so much to Bam. He knew he was going to lose but at least Amelia would suffer in the process.

“I’m such a jerk.” Bam sighed to himself, not realising he had spoken the words out loud.

“Jerk.” Brandon agreed and Bam could not help but break a smile. He was clearly a smart boy.

“You’ve got that right.” Bam nodded, feeling a little more confident. “I bet you don’t even remember me do you?” He wasn’t sure how advanced his son was in terms of language and understanding. The last time he had seen him, Brandon had still been making baby noises.
Brandon looked at Bam questioningly. Did he understand? Should Bam attempt to make conversation with him? Hell, he had no idea how to talk to a two year old. His train of thought was obviously conveyed by his expressions and Brandon started giggling once again, reaching out to touch Bam’s face. Bam remained very still and let Brandon have his way, poking his face and pulling his hair. It was quite funny, Bam thought. Although he had spent a fair amount of time with his son before Amelia had left, they had never really bonded. This was mainly due to the fact that Bam was too busy partying and making trouble to spend time with his kid. He suddenly started to feel a twinge of regret. That had to be a first for Bam.

Bam continued to gaze at his son and wondered bitterly if Knoxville had been filling in as his father figure. It wouldn’t surprise him, he thought. Bam had never set out to be a rubbish father; it was more of a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy. His failure as a parent had never kept him awake at night, at least not until now. Now he was sitting face to face with his son, the one person who he was accountable to. Bam was in danger of sinking into dark thoughts when Brandon poked him in the eye.

“Ow!” Bam exclaimed in surprise and pain, jerking his head away from the toddler’s exploring hand. Brandon burst out laughing at Bam’s misfortune and tried to poke him again. It seemed the little boy had a penchant for seeing people in pain, how familiar Bam thought.

“You’re trouble Brandon, do you know that? One day you’re going to grow up and cause mayhem.” Bam laughed in spite of himself and ruffled his son’s hair. The toddler nodded in agreement and reached up to pull Bam’s hair again. Bam conceded and put up with the pain as it seemed to keep Brandon amused. He wondered where April had got to. Phil was now fast asleep and softly snoring.

“Do you know who I am?” Bam asked when Brandon was seemingly done with inflicting the pain.

Brandon looked at him blankly. Perhaps he did not understand the question. Bam tried another tactic. He pointed to himself. “Who am I?”

Brandon maintained his blank expression.

“Who am I Brandon?” He asked again, staring in anticipation at his son. It was a long shot, but perhaps he did remember his father.

“Bam.” Brandon repeated, looking at Bam curiously.

“What did you say?” Bam asked, realising that trying to hold a proper conversation with the little boy probably wasn’t the best approach.

“Bam Bam.” Brandon repeated, smiling.

Bam was speechless. How could he possibly know his name? Had Amelia been reminding the little boy of who is father was? Bam’s brow furrowed in confusion. If this really was the case, then why? He was pretty sure she hated him right now, so why would she go to the effort of ensuring that their son knew who his father was?

Just in case it had been a fluke, Bam decided to try again. “Who am I?” He asked, pointing to himself.

“Daddy.”

***

She had only had a few drinks, yet already Amelia was beginning to feel tipsy. Being out with the girls, especially Laura and Rose, was a bad influence on Amelia’s usually quiet and reserved nature and she was always anxious that she would somehow make a fool of herself. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Come on Amelia, I’m sure you’ve done something really embarrassing when you’ve been drunk.” Laura teased, knocking back another shot. Amelia hoped she had some miracle hangover cure for the next morning. The girls had been playing truth or dare, which had somehow evolved into simply telling each other secrets.

“I don’t know.” Amelia lied, hoping Rose would not drop her in it. To her dismay her sister was pulling a rather sceptical face. Amelia was definitely at a disadvantage having her little sister present. There was no room for denial.

“Do you want to tell them or shall I?” Rose grinned, with an evil glint in her eye. She loved every moment of the potential embarrassment of her older sister. It seemed not a lot had changed since their childhood.

“I don’t want to tell anyone.” Amelia shook her head in despair. She knew exactly what time Rose was thinking of and despite the fact that it had happened long ago, Amelia did not want to bring up the memory.

“Have it your way.” Rose smirked, and started her story. “When Amelia was fifteen, she and some friends used to spend their weekends at the skate park drinking cheap cider. One night my dearest sister had a little too much cider and had to be carried home by two of her friends. They took her to the front door and knocked, hoping our mum would answer. Well, it turned out that they got the wrong house as Amelia was too out of it to tell, and our next door neighbour answered. I guess Amelia just couldn’t hold back any longer, because apparently she threw up right there on the lady’s feet.” Rose sat back, grinning with pride at being able to humiliate her sister.

“Wow, I would never have guessed it.” Claire remarked as everyone laughed.

“Thanks for that dearest sister.” Amelia groaned, her cheeks now flushing scarlet.

“Any time.” Rose winked, taking a celebratory sip of her cocktail.

“I think I need another drink after that.” Amelia sighed and stood up to make her way over to the bar. They were in an expensive looking cocktail bar in town, complete with dance floor and poles. No doubt Rose would be showing off later if she was given half the chance, Amelia thought to herself as she waited to get served.

She knew she should try to slow down with the drinking, but she was having a good time and did not want to lose her buzz. The last thing she wanted was to be miserable tonight. She ordered another Jack and coke and quickly made her way outside for a cigarette. The other girls didn’t smoke and she didn’t want to drag them outside with her.

Amelia found an empty table on the terrace and pulled out her cigarettes and lighter. Inhaling the deep drag of nicotine seemed to take the edge of her nerves. Every now and then, images from her nightmare had been flashing into Amelia’s head and consuming her with a feeling of nausea. The image that recurred the most was that of Bam’s lifeless body and try as she might, she could not shake it away.

She knew it was stupid. She was bound to have heard if anything had happened to Bam, but at the pit of her stomach Amelia could not help but feel inexplicably worried about her husband. Ever since the dream she had considered making sure he was ok, purely for her own piece of mind, but she really didn’t know how to go about it. She didn’t want to speak to him, and she didn’t want to pique the curiosity of April by asking after him.

Amelia felt her phone vibrate, distracting her from her thoughts. She pulled it out of her pocket to see that she had received a text from Johnny.

Hi babe, just a quick text to say I love you. I’m a bit drunk but I can’t stop thinking about you. PJ x

Amelia smiled. She loved receiving cute texts like this off Johnny. She still hadn’t told him about what she had seen in the dream. There was no sense in making a big deal about it but she did feel a little guilty. She did not like keeping anything from him and usually he could read her like a book. Amelia realised that she needed to put her concerns for Bam to rest, otherwise it was liable to stop her from enjoying the wedding. All she needed to do was hear his voice, just to make sure that he was fine. He didn’t even need to know that it was she who was calling him. After all, she was confident he didn’t have her new number.

Amelia took a large sip of her drink for courage and scrolled through her phonebook to find Bam’s number, under the naive assumption that he had not changed it. She would have to make this quick before the others wondered where she was. She pressed the call button, while stubbing her cigarette out in the ash tray. Her heart was pounding in rhythm with the ringback tone and she started to regret this little endeavour. What was she really going to achieve? The nightmare had been exactly that, a nightmare. There was nothing wrong with Bam. She needed to look a little closer to home to find the source of the problem. She did not need a psychologist to tell her that she had some unresolved issues and feelings regarding her husband. Ringing him was not going to help matters, but Amelia found herself unable to stop the call.

Amelia’s heart skipped a beat when the phone was answered and she had to take a deep breath to stop herself from making a noise.

“Hello?” There was no mistaking his voice and he sounded perfectly fine. “Hello? Who is this?”

Feeling both relieved and embarrassed Amelia quickly hung up. She realised she was acting like a stalker and she felt ashamed of herself. She would just blame it on the amount of alcohol she had consumed, and coincidently she would take her mind off it by drinking ever more. Without another thought she switched her phone off, stuffed it into the bottom of her bag and rejoined her friends.