I Could Never Pretend

Johnny entered the Dickhouse office cautiously. Despite his three month absence he had not lost his guard when it came to his friends. He was mentally kicking himself for letting Jeff know that he was back. He should have kept it as a surprise. There would definitely have been potential for a wind up. As it was, Johnny was now looking over his shoulder every few seconds, just waiting for something to happen. He prided himself on his brilliant foresight and his sixth sense for knowing when something was being plotted against him. This was one of the reasons it was so hard to a pull a prank on him during filming. Not only had he already thought of every trick in the book, but he was constantly on guard. It was exhausting but it was worth it just to annoy the others.

Johnny made it into the office he shared with Jeff unscathed, but the fact that no one was around left him with an uneasy feeling. Silence was never a good sign when it came to Dickhouse and he scanned the room for any clues as to what was going on. He Jeff well enough to guess that he would have slipped up somehow and sure enough it only took Johnny a few seconds to notice the empty packet of paintball cartridges in the waste bin. Well, if Jeff wanted war that was exactly what he was going to get.

Johnny dropped instantly to the ground and made his way, combat style, over to the office store room which doubled as his own private weaponry. He dove in and shut the door before anyone could attack, and once he had flicked the light switch on he breathed a sigh of relief. His extensive collection of cattle prods, stun guns and paintball guns remained unnoticed and untouched. Yes, outnumbered as he was, Johnny would be having the last laugh. In an expert manner he loaded a paintball gun and pulled on an old padded combat jumpsuit that would help to protect his body from the impending paint splattering. He could not contain his laughter as he attached a helmet and a pair of goggles to his head. They would not be expecting this. He added the finishing touches to his appearances by smudging camouflage style markings across his face with a stray felt tip pen.

Once he was all kitted out with a stun gun in his back pocket, Johnny switched the light off and lay down on the floor, pushing the door open ever so slowly. Adrenaline pumped through his body. He had been on his best behaviour whilst staying with Amelia’s parents but he could not contain his wild streak any longer. He manoeuvred himself, guerrilla style, across the office floor and positioned himself behind Jeff’s desk for safety. He peered through the crack between the desk and the floor, looking for any sign of movement. Now it was a waiting game, and Johnny had all day.

After five minutes had passed, Johnny spotted two pairs of feet in the hallway. One he instantly recognised as belonging to Jeff from the battered skate shoes he was wearing. The other, wearing a pair of Bam Margera customised Adio trainers could only be Rick. He couldn’t have asked for two better targets and his eyes started to water as he giggled silently. Holding his breath, Johnny waited in anticipation for Jeff and Rick to get close enough for him not to miss his shot. He counted to five under his breath before leaping up from behind the desk with a war cry and pelting his friends with paintballs. He had to admire their creativity as they had tied bandanas around their heads in a savage manner and they had also incorporated tribal face paint into the look.

Jeff and Rick were certainly taken by surprise at Johnny’s counter attack and he used this to his advantage by legging it past them and into the staffroom where sure enough, Dimitry, Guch, Cliver and Wolfie were poised, bandana clad and ready to fight. Johnny ducked behind a sofa and continued his assault on his unsuspecting friends. At the back of his mind he hoped someone was filming this, it was pure gold. At least fifteen minutes had passed before the war ended. His friends had run out of ammunition and Jeff finally waved a piece of white A4 paper in surrender. A truce was called as Johnny greeted and embraced the losers.

Johnny looked around the room and laughed at the damage they had caused. All of the sofas had been upturned to provide shelter and along with the remaining furniture and walls were covered in paint stains.

“How did you know?” Cliver asked, approaching Johnny with a video camera.

“I always know.” Johnny winked, before following Jeff back into the remains of their office.

“So, how have you been?” Jeff asked, propping his feet up on the desk and ignoring the paintball splatters that were now adorning his entire office.

“All the better for seeing your paint covered face.” Johnny remarked. “You should have known you didn’t stand a chance against me. It’s only been three months and an elephant never forgets.”

“One could only hope. And we were bored.” Jeff shrugged, wiping some paint of his cheeks. His leopard print bandana was still in place around his head and Johnny couldn’t help but draw comparisons to Steve-O’s infamous thong. “We actually put a lot of planning into it. It killed a day, and our office it would seem.”

“Well next time try being more original and don’t leave evidence in the waste paper bin.” Johnny suggested, gesturing at the empty cartridge packet.

“That was Rick.” Jeff groaned. “The useless idiot.”

“Hey, I heard that!” Rick yelled as he walked past the door.

“You did deserve it though PJ. How could you just up and leave me for three months? And England of all places!?” Jeff demanded.

“Hey you know I’ll make it up to you sweet cheeks.” Johnny teased, which seemed to placate Jeff. “So what did I miss?” Johnny laughed, removing his helmet and unzipping his jumpsuit.

“Not a lot. But there is something I need to talk to you about in private.” Jeff lowered his voice slightly and Johnny leaned over to pull the door shut.

“I’m intrigued. Spit it out already.”

“Spike rang yesterday. He was in the Paramount offices and ran into some high ranking executive who was inquiring after the next Jackass film.”

Johnny’s eyes widened. “And?”

“They really want to do it and even suggested making it in 3D. There’s going to be a meeting early next year.”

“Does anyone else know about it?” Johnny wondered, considering Jeff’s desire for privacy.

“Only Spike.” Jeff told him. “I really want to do it but it will only work if everyone is on board and to be perfectly honest I don’t think it’s the right time to bring it up, what with Steve still recovering and Bam...” he trailed off.

Johnny nodded. He understood what Jeff was saying and he agreed. As much as he would love to do another movie it was most certainly not the ideal time. It was going to take a miracle for Bam and Amelia to be able to work with each other again, and much more than a miracle for Bam and Johnny.

“The three of us will go to this meeting in January and we’ll see what happens. But for now, we never had this conversation.”

***

Amelia’s first day back at work could not come soon enough. She was keen to see all of the guys again and work on the projects that Jeff had in the pipeline. Johnny had informed Amelia of Jeff’s attempted revenge much to her amusement, but she was equally as happy that she had missed out on a good paintballing. She had always hated that particular game.
After spending the past three months lounging around her parents house in leggings and jumpers it was a relief for Amelia to have a reason to slip into a pair of cut off jeans and a tank top. Being with Johnny had stopped her from being so critical over her appearance and she felt more confident than ever. It had been weird spending the night without Johnny but as much as she wanted to be with him constantly, she had learnt from experience that they needed to take things so and she was determined to put Brandon and her job at least joint first with her relationship. She applied some mascara and eyeliner before tying her hair up. It was in desperate need of cutting now that she didn’t have April around.

She slipped on her converse and as she walked out of the door she was greeted by a clear blue sky. It was a beautiful morning so Amelia decided to walk the distance from her apartment to the office. She really needed to return the rental car and buy her own now that she was settled. She couldn’t help but miss her car in Westchester, but Bam had bought it for her as a Christmas present so she would probably never see it again she thought sadly. She arrived at the office early and grabbed a couple of coffees before poking her head around Jeff and Johnny’s door. She saw Jeff’s mop of hair sticking up from behind his computer screen so she threw a ball of paper towards him to get his attention.

“Amelia!” he grinned, popping his head up.

“Jeff!” She exclaimed, putting the coffee down running into his arms. “I’ve missed you!”

“I’ve missed you too.” He laughed as she nearly knocked his chair over. He was glad to see her so much happier and healthier than before. “Take a seat.”

Amelia sat herself down in Johnny’s chair and slid the cup of coffee over to him. “It’s good to be back.” She smiled to herself and laughed at the paint covered walls.

“It’s good to have you back!” Jeff grinned, “Especially if this is how you’re going to greet me every morning.” He pointed to the coffee.

“I don’t know about that.” She stuck her tongue out. “If I’m honest it was just my way of calling a truce with you before you try and attack me with paintballs.”

“Ahh, you spoke to PJ then.” Jeff laughed as he remembered the antics of the day before.

“Yeah. He told me all about it. He was even cockier than usual.” She remarked. “You don’t have much luck do you Jeff?”

“We’ll get him one day, mark my words. Where is Knoxville?” Jeff asked, winking slightly.

“On his way.” Amelia replied, trying to suppress a huge smile. They had only been a apart for twelve hours but she was excited to see him again. She felt like a lovesick teenager all over again. “So did I miss anything?”

“Nothing worth mentioning.” Jeff replied, wrestling with his conscience over whether or not he should tell her about Spike’s news. In the end he thought better of it. She was one of the group who would be most affected and she had enough on her plate at the moment. If Johnny wanted to tell her then that was up to him. “You’ve got some mail though.” Jeff remembered, sifting through the ridiculous amount of paperwork that was scattered across his desk.

“You should pay someone to clean that up for you.” Amelia laughed, as she watched Jeff look for her letter.

“Are you offering?”

“Not unless I get overtime.” She grinned. Jeff finally found the big brown envelope that had been addressed to Amelia, care of Dickhouse Productions and passed it across to her. She frowned at the address. “I guess I forgot to tell a lot of people where I moved to.” She shrugged. “But I would have thought my mail would still get sent to Westchester.

“It is a bit strange.” Jeff admitted. “Go ahead and open it. I’m going for a smoke. There’s a production meeting at eleven so until then you may as well just chill out. Oh, and if you see Johnny tell him he’s late and I’m docking his pay.”

Amelia laughed as Jeff made his way out of the office and then she looked back down at the envelope in her hands, wondering what it could possibly be. In her experience, brown envelopes were never a good thing. Tentatively she ripped it open and pulled out a handful of documents.

'Dear Mrs Margera

I am writing to inform you that your husband, Mr Brandon Margera is seeking sole custody of your son Brandon Margera Junior.

If you object to this motion, you are advised to seek mediation but should this prove unsuccessful, a hearing to review the case will be held on January 31st in West Chester County Court.

Yours Sincerely

Elizabeth Crawley
(Morton Family Law, West Chester PA)

Amelia stared at the letter, frozen in shock and unable to process the information she had just received. Bam was filing for custody, for sole custody of their son. She couldn’t believe what she was reading. She didn’t want to believe it. When Johnny arrived in the office some ten minutes later, he found Amelia sitting in his chair, still as a statue with the letter in her hand.

“Meels? Is everything ok?” She did not respond so Johnny walked over and slipped the letter out of her hands. He frowned as he read it.

“What a fucking idiot.” he exclaimed and knelt down in front of Amelia. “You know he doesn’t stand a chance right. He’s not exactly a good father figure is he? And where has he been for the past seven months.”

Amelia nodded slightly, wishing she could believe Johnny. He was right but the fact that Bam was going to such an extreme length worried her. He hadn’t even bothered filing for divorce. What was he thinking? He hadn’t seen in his son in half a year and now he planned to gain full custody.

“I’ve got to go to West Chester.” Amelia sighed.