I Could Never Pretend

When Ryan returned home to Rose shortly after his confrontation with Bam, he still felt stressed, frustrated and angry. He couldn’t believe the levels that Bam had fallen to and he was struggling to shake away the images of the drug-fuelled gathering he had just interrupted. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

Rose could sense Ryan’s distress as soon as he entered the room. “I guess it didn’t go well”, she sighed gently, watching Ryan collapse onto the sofa with a beer.

“I can’t believe him.” Ryan shook his head in disbelief. “It’s like he just doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore. He didn’t seem bothered in the slightest when I told him I was done. ”

Rose frowned as she sat down beside him. “He’s not your problem now babe.” She squeezed his arm, reassuringly.

“I know. I guess I just feel bad because he was my brother and there’s nothing I can do. I feel like I’ve let him down somehow.”

“Don’t be silly Ry. You’ve not let him down. You’ve put far more effort in than anyone else and he’s just taken it for granted. Maybe now he’ll realise that you’re not always going to be around for him and that he needs to sort himself out.”

“You think?”

“Yes.” Rose nodded understandingly. “The only person who can help Bam now is himself.”

“You’re right”, Ryan told her. “I just hope he realises that before it’s too late. It’s like he’s on a path to self destruction.”

No matter what her feelings were regarding her brother in law, she hated to see Ryan so torn up like this. She wished there was more she could do to make him feel better. “Let’s change the subject huh?” Rose suggested with a smile as she started to stroke his hair.

“Ok”, Ryan agreed. He kissed her cheek.

Rose smiled and snuggled up to him. Now that Ryan had cut his ties with Bam, perhaps she would be able to convince him to move to LA so that they could be closer to Amelia and her nephew. Spending so much time there over the Christmas holiday had given Rose the urge to love there permanently. The only problem was that she knew how attached Ryan was to West Chester. If only she could persuade him that they needed a fresh start, away from the path of destruction that Bam was creating.

“Things are going to get better now. I promise”, Rose told him confidently.

Ryan smiled as he buried his face in Rose’s hair. She was right, and now he was sure that it would soon be time to have an important conversation with Rose’s big sister.

***

Once Ryan had left, Bam did not feel much like returning to the hobbit hole. His buzz was wearing off and he’d been left with a lot to think about. Instead he retreated to the house, grabbing a beer from the fridge before slumping in front of the TV. As he flicked through the channels he thought about Ryan and tried to work out just where their friendship had gone wrong.

The two men had been growing apart for quite a while, but Bam had always blamed it on Dunn’s relationship with Amelia’s sister. There was definitely a conflict of interests there. How was Dunn supposed to keep an open mind when Rose was drilling into him how much of a terrible person Bam was? It was not fair. He would never admit it to anybody, but Bam had been upset when Ryan moved out of the castle. Perhaps he should have made more effort to stay close to his friend. Apparently he wasn’t interested in parties and getting high. Bam could remember a time when Ryan had been up for a party just as much as the next person. Now it was like he was a different person and Bam was confident that it was because of Rose. She was just like her sister and if he wasn’t careful, Rose would do to Ryan exactly what Amelia had done to Bam. He was sure of it.

Try as he might though, Bam could not lay the blame entirely on Ryan and his new relationship. He couldn’t help but admit to himself that everything Ryan had just said was right. He was far too concerned with trying to make life difficult for Amelia. She had hurt him and now he wanted her to feel the pain. The problem was that he was slowly but surely destroying his own life in the process. The endless drinking and drug taking, weeklong parties and casual, meaningless sex was going to send him to an early grave and as far as Bam was concerned, there was nothing anyone could to stop him.

Bam was disturbed from his thoughts by someone entering the room. He looked up to see Terri standing by the doorway in a pretty dress and with a huge scowl on her face. Bam silently groaned. She was not happy.

“Hey”, Bam remarked casually, not taking his eyes from the screen as he drank his beer.

“Hi.” Terri stared at him, her scowl still firmly in place. “What’s going on? You were supposed to meet me in town.”

“Oh shit, I forgot”, Bam shrugged, still staring at the TV. “I was busy.” To be perfectly honest he could not care less that their ‘date’ had slipped his mind.

Terri walked over to the sofa and took a seat beside him. “It’s ok”, she smiled, her expression softened as she started rubbing his arm affectionately. “I know what a busy guy you are. Let’s go out now, yeah?”

Bam ignored her for a few moments, until her staring expectantly at him became somewhat annoying. “I don’t really feel like going out now”, he told her, honestly as he started to light a cigarette.

“But you promised that we could go out, to celebrate your divorce!” Terri whined.

Her high pitched tones made Bam shudder. He had not exactly been one hundred percent truthful with Terri. The pretty, but also fairly dim woman had once been great for a bit of uncommitted, extra-marital fun for Bam, but now that Amelia was out of the picture, Terri seemed to feel some kind of entitlement. Seeing as Bam was no longer in a relationship she believed it meant they were officially an item. Bam could not think of anything worse.

In a bid to keep her happy, he had told her that he was finalising his divorce with Amelia so that they could finally be together. His plan had worked so far and the promise of divorce had certainly kept Terri quiet. Until now, that is.

“I said I don’t feel like it now”, Bam repeated angrily. He could still not bring himself to look at her.

Terri did not seem to get the hint. After a few minutes of moaning she decided, to Bam’s frustration, that she would stay in with him instead. He tried to concentrate on the television show, but all her could hear was Terri jabbering away beside him, making his headache even worse.

Bam could take it no longer. “You need to go”, he told her firmly, looking her straight in the eye so that she could tell her was serious.

Terri ignored him to begin with, but when he continued to stare at her, her bottom lip began to tremble. “What?” She looked at him with sad, puppy dog eyes.

“I said you need to go”, Bam repeated harshly. He was losing patience fast.

“But Bam...” Terri stammered.

“Go. Just fucking get out!” Bam snapped, standing up suddenly.

Terri rose to her feet. “I don’t understand. What’s the matter Bam?” She looked worried. “Don’t you want to be with me?”

Bam sighed loudly. “No. No I really don’t. You’re needy and pathetic and I’ve had enough of you. So get out of my house.”

Terri stared intently at Bam. He was sure she was about to burst into tears, but instead her expression hardened. “Are you finishing with me?” She asked, perfectly calmly.

“Yes.” Bam sighed with relief, glad that she seemed to get the message. “Yes I am.”

Terri swung her handbag over her shoulder and straightened her dress. “Fine”, she pursed her lips. “If that’s what you want.” She hesitated for a moment, seeing if he would change his mind.

There was no chance if that happening. “It is”, he assured her, running a hand through his greasy hair.

“You’re only leaving me because you’re still in love with that bitch Amelia”, Terri spat.

Bam laughed her off. “Yeah, right. I thought I told you to leave”

Terri remained firmly in place. “It’s obvious you still want her Bam. Why else would you still have her picture in your bedroom?” She paused to take in his reaction.

Bam frowned at her, unsure whether she was lying to him. Bam kept his bedroom door permanently locked. No one but him ever went in there. Whenever Terri stayed over they used a guest bedroom.

“You haven’t been in my room.”

Terri laughed at him. “Oh I’ve been in there. I’ve seen the picture on your bedside table. You think you can keep your memories and feelings for her shut up in that room where no one else can see them. It’s pathetic. You’re not fooling anyone Bam.”

“You’re lying”, Bam told her confidently. He was the only person with a key to the room. There was no way she could have been inside.

“Oh really? Well how did I get this then?” Terri’s hand rose to her neck. She touched the tiny heart shaped charm on the end of the silver chain that was hanging around her slender neck.

Bam’s stomach flipped and he felt bile rise in his throat. “How the hell did you get that!?” He demanded, seeing red as he charged towards her.

“So now do you believe me?” Terri smirked, but before she could say anything else Bam had grabbed the chain and pulled it violently from her neck. The clasp snapped under the force of his hand and the necklace came away easily. Terri gasped, holding her neck as if she had been burnt.

“You had no fucking right to go in there and take this.” Bam thrust the necklace, which was now safely balled in his fist, in front of her. “You fucking skank.”

Terri seemed to recover from the shock quickly and composed herself. “I told you. It’s obvious you still have feelings for her. That’s why you kept the necklace.”

“None of this has anything to do with you”, Bam shouted louder than he had intended. “Now get the fuck out of my house you thieving whore!”

“You’ll regret this”, Terri told him bitterly, showing no signs of leaving.

Bam assumed she was trying to threaten him, but he was not going to rise to her. “Go.”

“I mean it Bam”, she continued. “Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with this. I’ve been waiting around for you for years. You can’t just waste my time like that.”

Bam ignored her, hoping she would hurry up and finish her speech, leaving him in peace. It seemed to work and with a final scowl in his direction, Terri turned on her ridiculously high heel and stormed away, cursing under her breath.

Well done Bam, that’s one more relationship you’ve destroyed, he thought to himself. All in a day’s work.