I Could Never Pretend

“Oh my God I was right, it is Johnny Knoxville!”

Johnny looked down at the kid who had just grabbed his arm, flashing him his best smile. The guy could be no older than 21 and he appeared completely star struck by the sight of Johnny.

“Hey there”, Johnny acknowledged him as friendly as possible, waiting for the inevitable request for a photograph or autograph. Not that he minded of course. Meeting and greeting his fans was a big part of Johnny’s work, but this kid had the worst timing in the world.

“Could I get a picture with you dude?” The kid asked anxiously, bobbing up and down on his heels.

Johnny could not bring himself to look up and see whether Bam had noticed the exchange. “Sure”, he smiled. “Do you mind if we go outside? I was just going for a smoke.”

The kid was more than happy to oblige and followed Johnny out of the bar, where he posed for a few pictures with the guy and his friends. They chatted briefly while Johnny smoked his cigarette, but it wasn’t long before the young men returned to the bar and Johnny was free to make his escape. He could feel the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead despite the cold wind. That had been a close shave.

It was funny, Johnny thought. He had never been so anxious to avoid someone before, especially not someone who used to be such a good friend. It wouldn’t exactly be the end of the world should Bam run into him, but he certainly didn’t want to take his chances. Male pride aside, if Bam tried insulting Amelia again, Johnny would have no choice but to stand up on her behalf.

Johnny stubbed out his cigarette, thinking he had gotten away easily, but before he had taken more than a few steps away from the building he heard a familiar voice shouting his name.

"Yo Knoxville!”

With a heavy heart, Johnny turned around to face his friend. “Bam.”

“Fancy seeing you here.” Bam drawled. He had a bottle of beer in his hand and a cigarette dangling between his lips.

If possible, he looked even worse than when Johnny had seen him at the wedding. There were heavy bags under his bloodshot eyes, and his hair had grown several inches. His face looked bloated and he coughed in between sentences. Maybe there had been some truth to the article, but Johnny couldn’t bring himself to believe that Bam was actually stupid enough to mess around with drugs.

“Likewise”, Johnny nodded, about to turn away. Perhaps he could get away with nothing more than a brief acknowledgment. After all, he was definitely getting too old for bar brawls.

“What’s the rush?” Bam raised his arms in the air, in what Johnny struggled to believe was a friendly gesture.

“I’ve got an early morning”, Johnny told him swiftly, watching with wide eyes as Bam made his way closer.

“Ah come on. Have a drink with us”, Bam insisted, draping his free arm over Johnny’s shoulder and attempting to steer him back to the bar.

Now that Bam was closer, Johnny could tell that his eyes were glazed over and he was having trouble focusing on anything. The article had been right after all. Bam was clearly enjoying the effects of something much stronger than alcohol.

“No really Bam, I have to get going”, Johnny told him firmly. The truth was, he could spare another few drinks but he really did not want to be around Bam, not in his present condition or any other state.

Bam was having none of this however, and Johnny was surprised at the strength the shorter man managed to muster in order to guide Johnny through the door and back to the bar. Ignoring his friend’s appeals, Bam sat him down at the bar, ordered Johnny a double measure of the most expensive whiskey and watched as he drank it.

“Uh, thanks Bam.” After finishing his drink, Johnny managed to contort his lips into something which might resemble a smile.

“It’s just like old times, right?” Bam exclaimed happily. “Remember when we came here last time with all the guys. It was a riot!”

Johnny looked at Bam, puzzled. He had certainly not anticipated this kind of behaviour. As far as he could remember, Bam had treated Johnny with nothing but resentment since his wife had left him. Surely the drugs could not be having that strong an effect on Bam that he could forget whatever hatred he harboured for Johnny.

Bam was oblivious to Johnny’s bewilderment and continued to reminisce.

After listening to Bam rant for ten minutes or so, Johnny cut him off. Bam might be high as a kite but Johnny was not going to go along with him, pretending that everything was just peachy because he had taken a few too many ‘happy pills’. As sure as Amelia was that Bam was not responsible for the article, it was not enough to convince Johnny of his innocence.

“What’s going on here Bam?” Johnny asked seriously, putting his glass down on the counter. “Because I’m willing to bet you haven’t forgotten everything that’s going on.”

“You’re right”, Bam nodded, pouring the remaining contents of his beer down his throat before slamming the bottle on the bar with unnecessary force. Despite the fact that he seemed to be acknowledging the truth, Bam was still in high spirits as he ordered another round for Johnny and himself.

Johnny looked around. Bam’s posse were scattered across the bar, paying no interest in what their friend was getting up to.

“Have you thought anymore about my offer?” Bam laughed, more to himself than anything else as he made a start on his next bottle of beer.

Johnny sighed. Bam clearly wasn’t as ‘out of it’ as he had thought. There had obviously been an ulterior motive for getting Johnny back into the bar. He took a deep breath, telling himself not to rise to Bam this time. He had to be the bigger man, for both Amelia and Brandon.

“I’m not going to talk about that now Bam”, Johnny told him decisively, watching the younger man with a certain amount of caution. Nor was he going to bring up the article. “I’m going to graciously accept this drink you’ve bought me and when I’ve finished I’m leaving. You’re in no fit state to talk about anything, least of all your wife and son.”

Bam either hadn’t heard him, or was feigning deafness as the two men quickly finished their drinks in silence. Every muscle in Johnny’s body was tense, fighting off the urge to land his fist square in Bam’s face, and not for the first time. The amount of willpower it took not to throw Bam to the floor was overwhelming for Johnny, but it was no match compared to his feelings for Amelia. He was not going to let her down. She had experienced too much of that already.

“See you around Bam”, Johnny said curtly before taking the opportunity to make his getaway.

“Yeah, I’ll see you in LA Knoxville. Maybe then we can talk about my offer”, Bam replied, his eyes sparkling as he watched Johnny leave.

The cold night air was a welcome relief to Johnny as he finally broke free from the bar and started walking down the street. It was for this reason that he chose to walk back to his hotel rather than hailing a cab. He really needed to clear his head. It had taken all of his strength not to come to blows with Bam. Then again, it wasn’t as if Bam had been asking for a fight tonight. Johnny could only attribute this to the narcotics that were currently raging through his system.

By the time Johnny arrived back at the hotel, the effects of the whiskey had begun to wear off. He decided there would be no harm in having that night cap after all, so he made his way straight to the bar.

***

After Knoxville had left the bar, Bam remained in his seat thinking little of the exchange that had just taken place. Bam had not been looking for confrontation with his old friend and he knew he was lucky that Johnny had not been out for a fight either. If anything it had been a nice surprise to see a familiar face. In any other bar, in any other city, on any other night, Bam was confident that the two would probably have come to blows. As it happened, Bam was experiencing too much of a buzz tonight to let anything bother him, least of all the man that was currently sleeping with his wife.

The problem was, the buzz would eventually fade and when it did, he would be left feeling as angry, upset and confused as ever. There was only one way to prevent this, he thought as he stood up and made his way to the bathroom.

***

Amelia decided that she would pick Johnny up from the airport. As happy as she was for Laura and Jeff, she needed a break from the sickeningly happy couple who could talk of nothing but baby names. As she had predicted, Jeff had been overjoyed at the news that he was to be a father for the first time.

Johnny was pleasantly surprised to see Amelia’s purple car pulling up outside the arrivals building of LAX. He had just been about to call a cab when she beeped the horn at him, causing him to nearly drop his phone.

“Well hello there ma’am”, Johnny grinned, sticking his head through the open passenger window.

“Thought I’d save you the taxi fare”, she shrugged, attempting nonchalance.

“I’m sure”, Johnny laughed as he walked to the rear of the car and put his bags in the trunk.

As soon as he climbed into the car he was tackled by Amelia, who pulled him across the car into her arms and hugged him as tightly as she could. Johnny responded by hugging her back, before pushing her hair from her face and kissing her passionately.

“Did you miss me?” He whispered into her ear, tangling his fingers in her hair.

Amelia nodded. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“I missed you too”, he replied and kissed her firmly again.

Johnny pulled away from Amelia when he heard giggling coming from the back of the car. He glanced in the rear view mirror and spotted a familiar little boy in the back seat.

“Hey Brandon!” he greeted the two year old, who was wriggling excitedly in his child seat.

“Johnny!” The toddler exclaimed happily.

“I’ve got something for you.” Johnny rummaged through his hand luggage, which he had kept on his person. He watched Brandon’s eyes light up in joy when he caught a glimpse of the teddy bear in Johnny’s hands.

“What do you say, Brandon?” Amelia reminded her son with a playful grin as Johnny passed the bear over to Brandon.

“Thank you Johnny”, Brandon squealed, over come with delight as he hugged the bear tightly.

“Thank you”, Amelia added as Johnny buckled himself in. “You didn’t have to get him anything.”

“I wanted to”, Johnny smiled. “And don’t worry; I have a little something for you as well. I wouldn’t want you to feel left out.”

Amelia stuck her tongue out at him playfully. “So how did it go?” she asked, starting the engine.

“The interview? It was fine. Nothing special. How have the LA journalists been? Did I miss anything?” He chose not mention his run in with Bam, if you could call it that. It wasn’t as if he’d returned with any war wounds and nothing had happened that was worth repeating. He had also opted to leave out the part of his trip that saw him drinking one too many whiskeys in the hotel bar the night before, while fighting off the attentions of a good looking but slightly intimidating woman in her mid forties.

Amelia shook her head. “Everything’s been fine. I think they’ve lost interest. It’s been a week now so I’m sure they’ve moved on to another poor target.”

Johnny felt a wave of relief wash over him. He was glad that Amelia had not had any run- ins with the press while he had been away. “Rather them than us, eh?”

“Anyway, enough about that. I have some news.” Amelia had a mischievous look on her face.

Johnny raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “Do tell.”

Amelia, grinning, got straight to the point. “Jeff’s going to be a daddy!”

***

Bam slipped into the bathroom. It was empty. He walked over to the sink and splashed his face with cold water. As he turned off the tap he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. It was true. He was looking pretty rough these days, he admitted to himself. But still, he didn’t really care. As far as he was concerned, people could think what they wanted. Most of what Terri had said, about him anyway, was true. Yes, he was on drugs. So what? He was a grown man. He could do whatever he wanted. No amount of gossip-mongering magazine articles could bother him.

What did bug him, however, was the fact that everyone was so quick to blame him for the article. His lawyers, Knoxville’s lawyers, hell even his own mother thought that he was responsible for it. Bam shook these thoughts from his mind and put his hand in his pocket, searching for the little plastic bag.

Bam had been dabbling with drugs ever since Amelia had left him. Try as he might, no amount of beer or vodka could fill the empty space in his chest, so when a friend of a friend offered him a solution that was ‘sure to cheer him up’, who was he to resist? One night turned into many, many more, but Bam had managed to keep his little habit under wraps for at least six months. Even Novak, now his closest friend, had no idea what he had been up to.

The first time he had taken the pills his mind had flickered to Novak and Steve-O, both of whom had fought their own, messy battle with drugs and alcohol. There was of course, another voice, the devil on his shoulder that was quick to remind him that he was Bam Margera, not Novak or Steve-O, and Bam Margera could handle anything.

Without so much as a second thought, Bam slipped a handful of the tablets into his palm and threw them down his throat, followed by a long gulp of beer. He splashed his face once again and finished his beer, waiting for the magic to happen.