I Could Never Pretend

Johnny sat back in his chair and watched with faint amusement as the well wishers thronged around the office he shared with Jeff. Good news sure did travel fast.

“Congratulations dude!” Dimitry slapped Jeff on the back, the latest colleague to give the father-to-be his regards. “I knew you had it in you!”

“Thanks”, Jeff grinned. He had not stopped grinning all morning. It was a rare sight.

Although Amelia told Johnny that Jeff and Laura had known for a few days, it wasn’t until today, which also happened to be Johnny’s first day back in the office, that Jeff decided to make the announcement. Laura had been to see her doctor the previous afternoon and had been given the ok.

Johnny was really happy for his friend. It was such an exciting time in any man’s life and he remembered how he had felt when Mel had discovered she was expecting their daughter. He had been scared, excited, overjoyed, every emotion under the sun. With all the talk of babies around the office it was making him feel broody! He wondered if he would ever have any more kids. He wanted to of course. He would love to have a son, or another daughter, but he had no idea where Amelia stood on the matter and he had no intention of bringing it up any time soon, that was for sure.

“I know that look PJ. I know what you’re thinking.”

Johnny glanced up to see that Jeff was staring at him intently, the office now deserted but for them.

“What?” Johnny scrunched his nose up at Jeff. How could he possibly know what he was thinking?

“You want another one.” Jeff was laughing at him, rather knowingly as he swivelled his chair around playfully.

“Another what? I’ll have another coffee if you’re offering?” Johnny feigned ignorance and tried to concentrate on the email he was halfway through typing.

“You should talk to Amelia. With the two of your genes, it’d be rude not to.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Jeff.” Johnny shook his head indifferently, refusing to look up from his screen.

“Come on PJ, don’t play coy with me. Ever since I saw you yesterday, you’ve had a glassy look in your eyes”, Jeff smirked. “You were reading pregnancy magazines with Laura last night and if I’m not mistaken, you’re taking Brandon to a soccer match next weekend.”

“I think you’ve had too much coffee Jeff”, Johnny mocked, not quite ready to believe in his friend’s mind-reading abilities just yet.

“So you don’t want another kid?” Jeff looked at Johnny inquisitively, ever the king of devil’s advocate.

“I never said that”, Johnny stated.

“Well?” Jeff looked at him pointedly from across the desk.

Johnny sighed. “Ok fine. Yes. Hearing that there’s going to be a new addition to the Tremaine clan has made me think about having kids”, Johnny finally admitted, when Jeff’s accusatory staring had become too much to bare. He was getting better at this.

“See, I told you I knew what you were thinking.” Jeff had a smug look plastered across his face. The same look that would normally earn him a cattle prod to his lower region, but Johnny’s heart was not in it today. “So, are you going to talk to Amelia?”

“Are you kidding?” Johnny looked at his friend rather dramatically. “No. No way. She’d freak out.”

Jeff laughed at Johnny’s reaction. “Why?”

“How long have you got? Come on Jeff, we’ve not even been together for a year”, Johnny ran his hand through his hair, a sure sign of agitation if ever there was one.

“Yeah but that doesn’t matter. You two were made for each other”, Jeff argued.

Johnny shrugged. “Be that as it may, if I mention kids to her anytime in the next few years, she’ll panic. I know it. It’s the last thing she needs. She was only 21 when she had Brandon with Bam and look how that panned out. There’s no way I could put that on her, not for a long time anyway.”

Jeff listened to Johnny in quiet contemplation, wishing there was something he could do. Johnny definitely had a point. He knew Amelia would never regret having Brandon, but the situation had never been ideal.

Johnny was fidgeting in his seat. “I need her to know that she can trust me first, that I’m always going to be here for her.” He paused. “I don’t want to put the kids card on the table and scare her off.”

“Fair enough dude”, Jeff nodded. “But remember, you’re allowed to have feelings too.”

***

The media frenzy had all but disappeared, much to Johnny’s relief. As promised, Johnny was intending to make up for his absence to Amelia that very evening. She and Brandon would be spending the night at his house, for which he was very grateful. He still hated being alone in that big house.

As he waited for his guests to arrive, Johnny began preparing dinner. He liked to think of himself as at least adequate in the kitchen and it was hard to go wrong with a simple but tasty pasta dish. As he was preparing the ingredients his mind continued to wander to his earlier conversation with Jeff. He wondered if Amelia would ever consider having another baby. One day they would have to talk about it. One day in the far future.

He had just placed a bottle of wine on the table when he heard the sound of a car pulling up outside. Johnny smiled to himself. He never could contain his excitement to see Amelia. He met her at the door, where she was juggling Brandon, who was fast asleep, and their overnight bag in her arms.

“Sorry I’m late”, she apologised. “He fell asleep just before we left.”

“You’re not late”, Johnny laughed, taking the bag from her hands. He leant forward to kiss her gently on the cheek and gestured for her to enter. “Go ahead and put him to bed. Dinner’s not quite ready.”

“Thanks”, Amelia smiled and made her way straight upstairs with the sleeping toddler.

Amelia returned downstairs, gasping in surprise to find a candlelit dinner waiting for her. She glanced down at her jeans and faded t-shirt, feeling a little underdressed.

“You look beautiful”, Johnny smiled, interrupting her thoughts.

“Thank you”, she blushed. “You shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble.”

“I told you I would make it up to you”, he grinned, taking her hand and leading her to the table.

After a lovely dinner, accompanied by fine wine and lively conversation, Amelia and Johnny retired to the sofa. There was no need for words anymore as Johnny took her in his arms and kissed her passionately. Here was where Amelia felt most at home, protected by Johnny’s safe and loving arms. This was where she belonged, she thought as he leant her down so that he was lying on top of her, the heat of their bodies radiating through their clothes.

Johnny pulled away suddenly, leaving a rather flushed Amelia on her back. “I completely forgot about your gift”, he laughed.

Amelia sat up and watched curiously, struggling to catch her breath, as Johnny got to his feet to fish something out from his pocket. For a moment her heart stopped at the sight of the small object in his hand. Surely he wasn’t going to propose, she thought, her heart racing.

To her surprise and relief the item in his hand was not a box but a small satin drawstring bag. Amelia felt silly for even thinking such a thing. Luckily Johnny had been too busy to notice her expression, which must have shown a fleeting sign of fear. Marriage was the last thing she wanted to think about right now.

Johnny opened the bag and tipped a tiny piece of silver into her hand. It was a charm, fashioned into the shape of the infinity symbol. The charm was designed to fit onto a bracelet, just like the one on Amelia’s wrist that her mother had given her for her 21st birthday.

“Oh PJ it’s beautiful”, Amelia gasped, tears springing to her eyes.

“I’m glad you like it”, he smiled.

Johnny helped her to unfasten the bracelet from her wrist and she slipped the charm on, where it rested neatly next to the other charms that she had collected over the last three years. Each charm came from someone extremely dear to Amelia, and it was as if Johnny’s infinity charm had been the missing puzzle piece.

Besides the gem encrusted beads from her mother, she had a coiled silver snake that Steve had given her as a sign of his thanks for her friendship during his addiction. It was a souvenir from his travels with Wildboyz and it meant the world to Amelia. She also had a teddy charm that April and Phil had given her when Brandon was born. Rose had contributed to the bracelet with the rose shaped charm as a gift to Amelia on her wedding day, while Jeff and Laura had given her a champagne bottle shaped charm to thank her for being bridesmaid at their wedding and also as a joke, taking into consideration how much wine she liked to drink. Up until now, the final charm on her bracelet had been a silver dolphin, from Bam. He had given it to her out of the blue one afternoon when they had first started dating. While she could no longer bring herself to wear his necklace, there was something about the charm that made it impossible for her to discard.

Johnny refastened the bracelet around Amelia’s wrist and kissed her gently. “I want you to think of this charm as a promise... a promise that I’m always going to be here for you, for infinity.” Johnny smiled at her, waiting to see her reaction.

Amelia didn’t know what to say, so instead she responded by putting her arms around him and pulling him back down on to the sofa so that they could resume their kissing. Johnny grinned into the kiss, feeling more content than he had for a long time. Even though he still had much to talk to Amelia about, he was determined that nothing was going to spoil this perfect evening.

Later that night, after they had made love, Amelia was lying in Johnny’s arms, her head resting gently on his shoulder. With any luck, in less than a month’s time the custody case would be over and the divorce would finally be under way, leaving Amelia, Brandon and Johnny free to start a new life together. While the last few months had been pretty rough going, and the custody case certainly wasn’t going to go smoothly, Amelia knew that it would all be worth it in the end. They had so much to look forward to.

“I can’t believe Jeff is going to be a dad”, Johnny laughed, breaking the comfortable silence after reading a text on his phone. Amelia assumed it must have been some crude joke from his aforementioned partner in crime.

Amelia nudged his arm playfully. “All his faults aside, Jeff’s going to make a brilliant dad!” she grinned. “I’m so happy and excited for them.”

Johnny remembered his earlier conversation with Jeff and kissed Amelia’s head lightly. “it is pretty exciting”, he agreed. “Being a dad is definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done.”

Amelia was not sure how to respond, or even if she was supposed to, so instead she simply smiled and sunk her head further into Johnny’s shoulder.

While Amelia was cleaning her teeth in the bathroom a little later, she glanced at her reflection in the full length mirror. She thought about what Johnny had said about being a dad and she found herself putting a hand on her stomach. Sometimes she could still feel the sensation of Brandon’s little kicks when she had been pregnant with him. As tough as her pregnancy had been thanks to Bam, she had still enjoyed every minute of it and in turn she had been granted with the most precious gift possible; a child. Brandon.

Amelia smiled again before returning to the bedroom.