I Could Never Pretend

Johnny was hardly surprised to find that Amelia had disappeared from the apartment while he had been picking Madison up. He probably would have done exactly the same thing. There was no reason why she would want to hang round waiting for the man who had broken her heart. After driving around for a while, wondering where she might have gone and ringing his friends in the hope that they had seen or heard from her, Johnny realised this venture was pointless. Amelia simply didn’t want to see him right now, who could blame her, and he would just have to wait until she changed her mind.

As soon as he had decided to surrender his search, Johnny found himself pulling up outside his favourite bar in downtown LA and before his brain could engage; his legs were carrying him out of the car and towards the entrance. Perhaps this was exactly what he needed right now; something to take his mind off the day’s events.

In the space of fifteen minutes, Johnny had worked his way through three double measures of whiskey and was just about to start on his fourth. While the alcohol was indeed having a soothing effect on him, try as he might, Johnny could not take his mind off his current situation. How could he have been so utterly stupid? He should have known that nothing good could come from keeping secrets from Amelia. He loved her. They were supposed to share everything. How could they have a future together if she could no longer trust him?

Johnny swallowed his fourth shot and slammed the empty glass down on the bar. There was nothing like taking anger out on inanimate objects.

“Same again?” The bartender looked at him warily. Although the two men went way back and had often shared a few laughs together, Johnny was grateful for the man’s ability to tell when Johnny was not in the mood to talk.

Johnny simply grunted his response and nodded his head in a gesture of thanks as his glass was quickly refilled. He glanced at his vibrating phone in the faint hope that Amelia might have changed her mind already, but he had no such luck. It was Jeff, no doubt calling to check up on him. Johnny switched his phone off. It was going to be a long night and the only friend he needed right now was warm, very comforting and burnt slightly as it made its way down his throat.

***

In a hotel room not very far away from the bar, Amelia and Bam were once again sitting on opposite sofas. They had avoided eye contact for a while, until Bam thought to offer Amelia another drink. He wasn’t stupid. Alcohol would not solve anything but for the moment he could not think of an alternative, so he called for room service and plenty of wine.

As Amelia she reached over to accept a glass from him, the silver bracelet on her wrist caught his eye. After passing her the glass Bam gently took her wrist in his hand and inspected the chain.

“You never took it off”, he observed, pointing at the dolphin charm. “Why not?”

Amelia suddenly felt embarrassed and pulled her hand away. “I don’t know”, she muttered. And that was the truth.

Bam let his own hand fall to his lap and he looked at her curiously. The wedding and engagement rings had been returned to him care of April, not long after Amelia had left. When Bam had found the heart shaped necklace on his bedside table after his wife’s unexpected return to West Chester, he’d taken it as a sign that she wanted him out of her life for good, but he’d completely forgotten about the charm. He wondered what the significance of this might be, but he knew better than to ask.

They continued to drink in silence and Amelia found herself absorbed in Brandon’s cartoons. Staring at the television, the brightly coloured blobs dancing across the screen seemed to be having a hypnotising effect on her, although the alcohol probably had something to do with it. Either way, it was easier than having to face reality. Especially seeing as Amelia’s current reality was sitting in a hotel room with the man who was hell bent on ruining her life.

Amelia glanced down at Brandon who was also fascinated by the cartoons, the picture of content. Whatever was going on between the adults, he seemed uninterested.

“Why?” she asked Bam after a while.

His brow furrowed. “Why what?”

“Why did you do all this?” she continued to look at the little boy. Their son. “We could have made this work, you know.”

“Me and you?” He stared at her, wide eyed.

“I meant the custody arrangement Bam”, she corrected him, although the same could have been said for their relationship once upon time. “Why did you have to make this so hard?”

“Oh right”, he acknowledged, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice and he too turned his gaze to Brandon. “Do you want the truth?” He looked at Amelia, as if to warn her off this path.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you Bam”, she sighed.

Bam took a deep breath.

“As far as I can remember, I’ve always been incapable of loving someone, you know”, he sighed.

“Every girlfriend I’ve had since I was at school, I really thought I was into them but eventually I would always get bored and fuck it up. Most of them couldn’t handle me, like with the excessive partying and ridiculous lifestyle. Others were in love with me but I cheated on them.”

He avoided eye contact with Amelia as he spoke and she remained silent as she listened.

“At first it was different with Jenn. I thought I could actually love her and I know that she loved me but I fucked it up with the partying. When she cheated on me I knew I didn’t love her after all.” Bam paused for breath, realising he was starting to ramble.

“And then I met you.” He looked up at Amelia, his expression unreadable.

“I met you and it was like my whole world changed. For the first time in my life I actually had to fight for you and prove myself. I was worried that I wasn’t good enough for you and it looks like I was right.”

Bam sighed loudly and took a large gulp of his drink.

“When you finally agreed to be with me, it was the happiest moment. We were so good together and I knew for the first time in my life that I was in love with you. But at the same time I was so scared of losing you that I nearly drove you and all my friends away with my jealously when we were filming the movie.”

Amelia fought to keep her emotions inside as she recalled everything that he was talking about; the frustration of his behaviour.

“I loved you so much Amelia. Everything was perfect until I found out that you were pregnant.”

Bam frowned as if realising what he had just said.

“Don’t get me wrong, I was over the moon at first but then I started to panic. What if I suddenly stopped loving you? What if I’d never really loved you in the first place, like Jenn? How could we bring up a child together if I was going to make the same mistakes as I had with every other girlfriend?... So I ran away.”

Bam’s gaze fell to floor again. He realised he wasn’t articulating himself very well but he needed to get the point across to Amelia, no matter how painful it was.

“Dunn and Knoxville found me and brought me back home. They talked some sense into me and for a while I thought that I could actually make this work. I was sure that I still loved you so I asked you to marry me, but at the back of my mind I never stopped worrying that something would change. I didn’t trust my feelings for you not to change as they had with everyone else. I didn’t want to hurt you but it was almost inevitable. Like I said, I’ve always been incapable of truly loving someone.”

Amelia looked sadly over at him. It hurt her to think that he felt this way about himself, even after the pain he had caused her.

“Everything was perfect again when Brandon was born and with the marriage. I really thought we had a chance at a happy ever after, but once again the doubt started to spring up and I ended up driving you away.”

“Foolishly I thought that spending less time together would help. I couldn’t get bored of you if we saw less of each other. That’s why I took you off the show and it’s the worst mistake I ever made. I drove you straight to Knoxville and lost you for good.”

Bam put his head in his hands and fell silent for some time. Amelia couldn’t tell whether or not he was crying. She sure felt like crying after listening to his revelation. It explained so much, yet at the same time so little.

“I’m confused Bam”, Amelia frowned. “That doesn’t explain any of your actions recently.”

Bam lifted his head and looked Amelia in the eye. She could see from his wet cheeks that he had in fact been crying.

“When you left me Amelia, all the doubt disappeared. I realised for the first time that I really did love you. It took you to leave for me to realise this and I hate myself for it.”

Amelia was about to interject that this still didn’t explain his behaviour but he beat her to it.

“The reason I’ve been such a dick to you is because I feel jealous and angry and betrayed by you and Knoxville...” he paused. “I know I have no right to feel that way, because all of this is my fault, but I can’t stop myself. I feel so bitter and twisted inside Amelia. The pain of losing you has driven me insane. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. You’re all I think about every minute of every day.”

Bam ran his fingers through his hair anxiously.

“I wanted you to know how much this has hurt me, but the only way I know how is to cause you just as much pain.”

Amelia found herself lost for words, and she stared emotionless at the television once again.

“I don’t really hate you Amelia. I could never hate you and I’m sorry for all the horrible things I’ve said and done. The truth is, stupid despite everything that has happened I know for certain, without a trace of doubt, that I love you. I always have and I always will.”