I Could Never Pretend

“...I love you. I always have and I always will.”

Amelia found herself speechless as she stared at Bam. She was having trouble allowing his words to sink in and could not bring herself to look him in the eye. After everything he had said and done to her over the past year, how was she supposed to believe this?

As she tried desperately to think of something to say, she realised that Brandon had fallen asleep while Bam had been talking. Time seemed to have flown by and it was getting late.

“I need to put Brandon to bed”, she managed to mumble without meeting Bam’s eye.

“You can have the bedroom. I’ll sleep on the couch”, Bam croaked, his voice failing him.

“Thanks”, she nodded, scooping the sleeping toddler into her arms and making her way to the bedroom at the other side of the suite. She could feel Bam’s eyes on her as she walked away.

Amelia’s mind was still racing as she tucked Brandon up in bed. The alcohol was making her head feel fuzzy but at the same time it seemed to have taken the edge off her emotions and as far as she was concerned right now, this could only be a good thing. Once Brandon was settled in bed she returned to the main room and proceeded to pour herself another glass of wine.

Bam had not moved an inch since she’d left. His eyes seemed puffy from tears and he was staring blankly into space. Amelia sat back down opposite him and took a large sip of wine, enjoying the feeling as the alcohol trickled down her throat. She observed Bam in silence for a while, trying to make sense of the situation.

Bam still loved her? How was that possible after the way he had treated her recently? He had effectively put a wrecking ball through their relationship and her life, and now she was supposed to believe that he was in love with her. Despite the ridiculousness of the situation and Bam’s track record, the look on his face made it difficult for Amelia to write him off immediately. She was sure she had never seen nor heard him sounding so sincere.

By the time Amelia had finished her glass, her head was definitely spinning. Bam continued to slump in his seat, staring awkwardly at the ground, only moving to take an occasionally sip of his drink. Amelia began to feel restless. All thoughts of Johnny and the morning’s situation were firmly at the back of her mind.

Amelia leant towards the table and helped herself to another bottle. Bam looked up at the sudden movement and their eyes locked for a second.

“How am I supposed to believe anything you just said Bam?” she raised her eyebrow at him as she poured herself another drink. She was feeling much more confident than she would have been without the alcohol.

Bam shrugged. He had not anticipated the question. In fact, he had been pretty sure that she was not going to say anything to him for the remainder of the night.

“I don’t know”, he mumbled. “I guess I don’t expect you to believe me, I just had to get it all off my chest. Despite what you might think, I’ve not exactly been having a great time lately. My head’s in pieces.”

Amelia sighed heavily. She knew the feeling. Her whole world had been turned upside down in less than twenty four hours. She stared at her hands and the dolphin charm caught her eye again. Why had she kept it? Frowning to herself, Amelia refused to entertain the notion that it was somehow a big deal.

“I’m not saying I don’t believe you Bam”, she bit her lip. “But I don’t know what you expect to gain by telling me this. Did you expect this to change anything?”

Bam stared at her in surprise. “I didn’t expect anything”, he told her sincerely. “Like I said, I just needed to get it off my chest. I’ve been a dick to you because I’m pissed with myself for ruining our relationship. I’ve taken all my frustration out on you and for that I am really sorry. I know it’s too late to start apologising. I should have told you this a long time ago. I should have told you how goddamn much I love you a very long time ago. I don’t know if it would have changed anything, but it would have been a good start.”

Bam rubbed his eyes and watched Amelia hesitantly for her reaction. He suddenly realised how vulnerable he felt after spilling his heart out to her and the alcohol was not helping matters. He’d never told anyone else about this. Who would have believed him? Amelia’s eyes had started to water again and Bam felt the overwhelming urge to take her in his arms. He would have given anything to be able to make everything all right.

Amelia did not flinch as Bam made his way over to her on the sofa. She though he was going to put his arms around her but he simply offered her a tissue. She felt slightly disappointed. Since the moment she overheard Johnny that morning she’d felt intensely alone and she was craving some kind of comfort. This was the last place she could have expected to find it.

Accepting the tissue from Bam, Amelia wiped her eyes, ignoring the mascara that had stained her cheeks. There was a lump in her throat and she realised she was in danger of crying again. Her head was in such a mess. Half of her felt like screaming, shouting and breaking things, the other half just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. With the amount of alcohol that was currently coursing through her veins, the self destruction path was looking more and more inviting.

“What am I doing wrong?” Amelia looked at Bam and sighed. “Ever since I came to America my life has been spiralling out of control.”

“You’ve done nothing wrong”, Bam assured her. “You’re an amazing woman and an amazing mother. If I had to pick one fault though, it would be your decision to get involved with a bunch of Jackasses”, Bam laughed slightly.

Amelia couldn’t help but smile at this. “I suppose that is where I went wrong.”

“I can’t believe that you didn’t run a mile after the green paint incident”, Bam mused.

“Neither can I”, Amelia continued to smile, thinking back to the first time she met Bam.

“I’ve not seen you smile like that in a long time”, Bam observed, inching closer to Amelia. “You’re even more beautiful when you smile.”

Amelia tried desperately not to blush. It was strange that a compliment from her husband should make her feel so awkward.

“What made you stay? I mean, why did you put up with it...us...me, for so long? I didn’t exactly make things easy for you, did I?”

Amelia thought about this for a few moments. Why did she stay and make a go of things on the show, despite how hard it had been at times, despite how much Bam had wound her up? The easy answer was that she didn’t want people to think she was a failure and that she couldn’t hack the job, but that was not entirely true. No one would have blamed her for quitting. She’d had no idea what she was getting into when she turned up on Bam’s doorstep all those years ago. How could she have ever expected what came next?

No. The truth was she’d loved every minute of it. The pranks, the stunts, the guys, April and Phil...And of course Bam. She’d loved him too. Yes, loved. But did she still feel the same way? So much had changed since then.

“Amelia?”

“Oh sorry, I was just remembering...” she trailed off. A faint smile still played across her lips as she took a sip of wine. “There are lots of reasons why I stayed.”

Bam’s eyes twinkled under the warm light. “Like us?”

“You and the guys? Well sure. We had some good times didn’t we? You always had me in hysterics.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He moved slightly closer again in order to fill her glass.

“Oh.” Amelia looked at him warily.

“I meant you and me, Amelia. Is that why you stayed? I need to know...”

Amelia took a deep breath. “Oh Bam, of course I stayed for you. God knows I should have gone straight back to England after the first time you kissed me, but I didn’t.” She paused, realising she had put her hand against his.

“Do you regret it?” Bam asked, squeezing her hand gently.

Amelia raised her eyebrow slightly but her lips twitched. “Which bit of it?”

“All of it? Any of it?”

“Do I regret staying to work with you? No. Do I regret letting myself fall in love with you? I’m not sure.”

“I regret every time I’ve ever let you walk away from me”, Bam looked at the floor, but continued to hold her hand. “Too bad I never knew a good thing until I lost it.”

Amelia squeezed his hand back, wondering where her newfound sense of sympathy for him had come from.

“The biggest mistake I ever made was losing you Amelia”, he sighed. “Please will you do one thing for me? I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I think I’ll go crazy if I never know the answer.”

“The answer to what?”

“When did you stop being in love with me?” He looked at her sadly.

Amelia gulped. She could feel her pulse quicken, her heart was pounding against her ribcage. “Oh Bam. I don’t know that I ever stopped.”

***

Jeff found Johnny slumped across a table at the back of the bar. The bartender nodded his head in appreciation as Jeff walked past. He hadn’t been entirely surprised to receive the phone call, asking him to come and fetch his rather inebriated friend.

“Come on buddy, let’s get you home”, Jeff sighed, looping an arm around Johnny and pulling him to his feet. The empty whisky glass clattered to the floor and Jeff grimaced apologetically at the barman.

“I don’t wanna go home”, Johnny slurred insistently.

“Well you can’t stay here”, Jeff laughed as he attempted to support Johnny while guiding him to the exit at the same time.

“Please Jeff”, Johnny looked at his friend with sad eyes. “I can’t go home to an empty house.”

Jeff considered this for a moment. He could hardly leave his friend alone in this state. Laura was already in bed and as long as they didn’t make too much noise, there was no problem with taking Johnny back to his house.

“You’re not going home PJ”, Jeff told him gently. “You’re coming back with me.”

Jeff was quiet on the drive home. Johnny was slumped against the window in the passenger seat of his car. Jeff could hear his best friend crying softly to himself and he wished there was something he could do to help. He hated seeing Johnny like this, but what could he do? He’d rang around that evening trying to locate Amelia in the hopes that he could play mediator, but no one had seen her.