I Could Never Pretend

Once he’d finished his cigarette, Bam resolved to go and apologise to Johnny for bending the truth. It was a difficult time for everyone involved and antagonising Johnny was not going to make it any easier. His talk with Amelia and the following accident had awoken something deep down inside Bam. Ryan was right. It was time for him to grow up and face his responsibilities. Whatever happened from this moment on, Bam sensed that Amelia was going to need both him and Johnny. They would just have to try and get on, whether they liked it or not.

When Rose saw Bam at Amelia’s door, she quickly took her leave, sensing that the two men had some talking to do. Ryan was waiting for her in the corridor, looking tired and anxious.

“Is that a good idea?” she asked, motioning to Bam’s retreating figure.

Ryan scratched his beard nervously as he watched the door close behind Bam. “I hope so.”

Rose shot him an unconvinced look. “If they start fighting again...” she began.

Ryan cut her off by taking her in his arms and kissing her head. “They won’t”, he assured her. “Now come on. Let’s go to the hotel and take a shower. April’s here, so you can relax.”

On the other side of the door, Bam made his way to Rose’s vacated seat by Amelia’s bed. He saw the dishevelled form of his old friend sitting opposite, but Johnny didn’t stir at his arrival. Bam sat down gently, trying to make as little noise as possible. The whirring and pumping of the machines created a weird kind of ambiance in the room. It was almost peaceful. They sat in silence for maybe fifteen minutes or so, both of them staring at Amelia’s bed, lost for words.

“Did she really kiss you?” Johnny’s strained voice called across the room after a while. “I need to know.”

Bam looked up, surprised to hear his voice. He sighed to himself before answering. “I kissed her”, he told Johnny, wondering what difference it made. “And she kissed me back. But I don’t see how that matters now.”

“I suppose it doesn’t”, Johnny shrugged slightly. “It’s just difficult to make sense of anything at the moment.”

“You’re telling me”, Bam agreed, playing awkwardly with the rings on his fingers. He really didn’t want to repeat their last conversation.

“So you really still have feelings for her?” The pain in Johnny’s voice was uncomfortably evident.

“I never stopped”, Bam shrugged and looked at the floor. “I know you probably don’t want to hear anything I have to say, let alone believe it...but it’s the truth.”

Johnny nodded. “I always suspected it. I mean, if you really didn’t care for her you wouldn’t have gone to such lengths...” he trailed off before the conversation became any more awkward.

Bam laughed bitterly. “To make her life hell?” He finished Johnny’s sentence, “No, I guess I wouldn’t have.”

“Tell me what happened?”

“What do you mean?” Bam frowned.

“When you spoke to Amelia. What did she say? Please. I want to understand what was going through her head.”

Bam could hardly see how this was going to do any good, but the tone of Johnny’s voice made it impossible for him to refuse. “I don’t know what you want me to say Knoxville.”

“Did she say anything about me?” he asked.

Bam shook his head slightly, feeling bad for the guy. Amelia had barely mentioned his name.

“So what did you talk about?” Johnny sounded slightly put out.

“I told her why I’d been so horrible to her, but she didn’t want to believe that I still love her. Understandable really”, Bam scratched the back of his neck as he tried to recall what he and Amelia had spoken about leading up to her getting into the taxi.

“She said something about her life falling apart since she came to the US. I told her it was our fault, you know, being jackasses and everything. Then we reminisced about working on the show, I guess.”

The expectant look on Johnny’s face told Bam that he was waiting for more.

“She pretty much admitted that she regretted letting herself fall in love with me”, Bam said nonchalantly, trying to sound as indifferent as possible.

Johnny’s face was impassive once again.

“So I asked her when she stopped loving me and she said she wasn’t sure that she ever stopped.” This time he was really trying to keep to Amelia’s words and not exaggerate.

“And then?”

“You know what happened next”, Bam replied in frustration.

“You kissed her”, Johnny repeated. The words were sour on his tongue.

Bam didn’t bother to respond to this. “If it’s any consolation, she said it was a huge mistake”, Bam explained. “And then she got into that fucking taxi.” He closed his eyes in anguish and let his head slip into his good hand.

The two men lapsed into silence as the implication of Amelia getting into the taxi hit home.

“I’m sorry for hitting you”, Johnny apologised softly, breaking the tension.

“Don’t be”, Bam laughed slightly. “I was asking for it.”

“You wanted me to hit you?” Johnny looked at Bam incredulously.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. Why else do you think I did such a good job of winding you up?” he asked. “I deserved far worse than a broken arm from the crash”, he waved his cast up and down as if to emphasise the point.

“And a busted lip and black eye makes you feel better does it?” Johnny asked sceptically, but he was unable to mask the amusement in his voice.

“Not really, but it helps”, Bam grinned. “Especially seeing them on your pretty face.”

Johnny started laughing. It was a sound that Bam had not heard in a very long time and it brought back many fond memories the two men had shared.

“So what happens now?” Bam wondered, once the laughter had subsided.

Johnny raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“What I mean to say is I’ll understand if you want me to leave. I just need you to know that I really do care about her”, Bam attempted to explain himself as he stared sadly at Amelia.

“I believe you Bam”, Johnny said gently. “There’s no sense in the two of us fighting anymore, is there?”

Bam shook his head in agreement. He didn’t want to fight Johnny anymore. He didn’t want to fight anyone for that matter.

“I think she’d want you to be here”, Johnny added. “And Brandon needs you. It’s pretty safe to say we can write the past off for now.”

Bam blinked in surprise. Johnny was being far more gracious than he could have expected. Could they really put the past behind them, for Amelia’s sake? He hoped so.

“You’re right”, Bam told him. “I know it’s too late, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry, for everything. I wish I’d had chance to say this to Amelia.”

“You will”, Johnny said determinedly, but his eyes belied the strength of his words.

Bam attempted to smile convincingly but he couldn’t quite manage it. Smiling felt wrong when his wife was lying unconscious in a hospital bed.

Johnny had started digging around in his pockets. Bam watched curiously as he pulled out a set of keys.

“When you get discharged, you and Brandon can stay at the house, if you want? I figure it’s more comfortable than a hotel.” He stood up and made his way around the bed to hand Bam the keys.

Bam looked up in surprise as the taller man pushed the keys into his hand. He hadn’t even started to think about what he was going to do, never mind where he was going to stay. As for Brandon, well, he couldn’t see Rose or Amelia’s parent’s being too happy about him being in Bam’s care.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea Knoxville”, Bam told him warily.

“Which part?” Johnny laughed. “I promise not to hit you again, and Brandon needs at least one parent around. This is your chance to prove yourself as a father. Amelia never had any intention of stopping you from seeing him.”

Bam realised Johnny was really trying to help him and he truly appreciated it. At the same time however, it made him all the more aware of his past transgressions and how undeserving he was of anyone’s kindness. Perhaps he could use this opportunity to make up for his past mistakes, or at least try to clean himself up a bit.

“Thanks Knoxville”, Bam smiled weakly, putting his hand around the keys. “God knows I don’t deserve it.”

“It’s nothing”, Johnny shrugged, retreating back to his seat.

***

Within the next few hours Bam had been discharged and with no resistance from Rose, he had taken Brandon back to Johnny’s house. Johnny wasn’t sure what had come over him to make him so amiable towards Bam, although the look of pain on his face had made it obvious how much he cared about Amelia. Johnny supposed there was no point in pushing him away anymore and he’d been right about Brandon needing one parent around. It would be good for the both of them to have some time bonding. As for what Amelia would have wanted, well, he wasn’t sure anymore.

One thing for sure was that his talk with Bam had done no good in terms of his mental state. Knowing that Bam had only slightly exaggerated the facts about his time with Amelia, did not make Johnny feel any better. The idea of her kissing Bam left a bad taste in Johnny’s mouth, but he could not bring himself to be angry at Amelia. If Johnny hadn’t lied to her in the first place she wouldn’t have been anywhere near Bam or the taxi.

Johnny sighed heavily to himself. He didn’t believe in God but over the past twelve hours he hadn’t stopped praying that Amelia would be ok. He still hadn’t left her room. Even though she was unconscious, it didn’t seem right to leave her alone. Her condition was stable for the next few days, but that didn’t stop him from worrying. Predominantly he was worried about what would happen when the doctors tried to bring her round. What if she didn’t wake up?

Apparently he was not the only who wanted to keep watch over Amelia. Sometime before midnight, Ryan and Rose reappeared looking slightly better than they had several hours earlier. After somewhat of a disagreement, Ryan forcibly removed Johnny from the room, insisting that he needed to go home and get some rest, or else.

It was with a heavy heart that Johnny climbed into Jeff’s waiting car outside of the hospital.

“Thanks for picking me up Jeff”, Johnny mumbled awkwardly. He hated feeling like a burden on anyone.

Jeff waved him off. “Don’t be silly PJ. It’s no problem, now let’s get you home.” Jeff slapped Johnny on the back in a comforting gesture as he put the car into gear and pulled off.

As he rested his head on the passenger window of Jeff’s car, Johnny realised how tired he was. It was an effort just to keep his eyes open. Unfortunately the thought of getting into his empty bed was not a welcoming one.

“Want me to come in?” Jeff asked, finally pulling up on Johnny’s driveway. During the journey back, Johnny had filled Jeff in on what had happened between him and Bam at the hospital.

“No, you should get back to Laura”, Johnny told him firmly. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Jeff nodded. “We’re all thinking of you PJ, and Bam too. Tell him I said hi.”

“Thanks Jeff”, Johnny smiled weakly, embracing his friend in a rough hug before jumping out of the car. As he made his way to the front door he took a deep breath, ready to face his guests.

Inside, the house seemed deserted. That was, until Johnny found himself in the living room. Apparently Bam had fallen asleep in front of the TV, with Brandon beside him. A late night talk show was playing but Johnny didn’t bother to turn it off. Instead, being careful not to wake Bam, Johnny scooped the sleeping toddler up from the sofa and into his arms, with the intention of putting him to bed.

As Johnny carried him upstairs, Brandon woke up and started wriggling. “Hey it’s ok, little buddy. Its way past your bed time”, Johnny whispered softly.

On realising who it was Brandon smiled lazily. “Johnny!” he observed.

Johnny couldn’t help but smile back at the little boy. Children had a funny way of making you smile, whether you wanted to or not.

“Moma?” Brandon asked, as Johnny tucked him into bed. Since he and Amelia had started seeing one another, Johnny had made up a bed in one of the spare rooms for Brandon.

Brandon’s question tugged at Johnny’s heart. Of course he missed his mom. He hadn’t seen her for nearly twenty four hours. What was he supposed to say to the kid? He wondered if Bam had managed any kind of explanation.

“Moma’s not very well Brandon. Your daddy’s gonna look after you until she’s better. So you need to be extra good for him.”

Brandon’s face creased in distress. “Moma!” he demanded this time, tears filling his eyes.

“I know you miss your moma Brandon, so do I”, Johnny murmured sadly, pulling the crying infant into his arms. “But she’s gonna be ok.” He wished he could believe his own words.

Johnny attempted to comfort Brandon by rocking him slightly in his arms and whispering happy things to him, such as promises of ice cream and trips to the park. Although he’d always been close to Amelia’s son, he’d never had to calm or reassure him in such a way before. It had been a long time since he’d held Madison like this too. He was surprised he hadn’t forgotten what to do, but it seemed the fatherly instinct never went away. At that moment Johnny realised that no matter what had happened between him and Amelia, she needed him to be strong for Brandon. He couldn’t fall apart now.

After a while, Johnny was not sure how long he’d sat there for, Brandon had stopped crying and fallen asleep. Ever so carefully as not to wake him, Johnny put Brandon under the covers. Once he was sure the little boy was out for the count, Johnny tiptoed out of the room and returned downstairs.