I Could Never Pretend

“So what are we going to do to him?” Amelia looked apprehensively at Johnny as he pulled up a few metres away from Jeff and Laura’s house. His car was hidden by a row of shrubbery and Johnny was grinning. Amelia could almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he formulated a plan.

“It’s quite simple really.” Johnny pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and jangled them in front of her face. She continued to stare at him, waiting for some kind of explanation. Johnny shook his head in frustration. “These are Jeff’s keys.” He laughed and fiddled with them for a moment before producing one that looked suspiciously like it belonged to a vehicle.

“How long have you had them?” Amelia asked incredulously, eyeing the keys in his hand. “Surely he’s noticed that they’re missing by now?” Jeff might be a little slow sometimes, but he wasn’t that slow.

Johnny laughed manically. “I stole them from his desk this morning. He’s such an idiot. He turned the whole office upside down looking for them and never once did he suspect me.” He jangled the keys again, still laughing. “I suppose it was a good job there was a spare key to the van lying around the office.

“Oh Johnny.” Amelia tried to scold him but found herself laughing too much. “You’re the worst kind of person. Why didn’t you just take the spare key? I bet he’s going out of his mind.”

“Where’s the fun it that? He deserves everything he gets.”

“So I think I can guess where this is going.” Amelia pictured Jeff’s beloved, if slightly battered van sitting in pride of place outside his house. Or perhaps Johnny was thinking of the brand new Mercedes that Jeff had purchased a few months ago, which was usually kept locked away in the garage. Obviously locks were no longer an obstacle for Johnny.

“You’re learning fast.” Johnny grinned, leaning over to peck Amelia on the lips before swinging his door open. “Can you text Laura and get her to distract Jeff for approximately five minutes, preferably away from the front of the house.” He asked as they remained hidden behind the bushes.

Amelia nodded and started to text her friend while Johnny put his shades back on. Less than thirty seconds later Laura replied cooperatively and they were ready to roll. As quietly as mice, Johnny and Amelia made their way up to Jeff’s driveway where both the Mercedes and the van were parked, next to Laura’s SUV. “Are you going to fill me in or do I have to guess what you’re going to do next?” Amelia laughed as she and Johnny crept over to the vehicles. She was finding it difficult to be stealthy in a pair of high heels and a pant suit.

“I say we go for the van. It has sentimental value.” Johnny grinned, earning approval from Amelia. “Can you keep a look out while I take this thing down the street?”
Amelia nodded and watched as Johnny climbed into the van and the engine spluttered to life. He gave Amelia the thumbs up before slowly reversing the van down the drive and taking off down the road. Amelia waited out of sight of the house for Johnny to return. When he did so he looked extremely smug. “Come on, let’s go break the news.”

They walked up to the front door and Johnny pressed the bell. Amelia figured she would let Johnny take the lead and she kept quiet when Jeff answered the door. “Hey guys. Come in.” Jeff smiled, holding the door open.

“Hey Jeff, I thought you were out.” Johnny scratched his head, convincingly.

“What are you on about?” Jeff frowned at his friend. “You knew we were expecting you guys.”

“Well yeah.” Johnny shrugged as they followed Jeff inside. “But I assumed you weren’t in, what with the van not being outside and everything.”

Jeff’s eyes bulged. “The van’s not outside?” Without waiting for Johnny to answer, Jeff hurried past them and pulled the door open. “What the hell!?”

Johnny winked at Amelia before heading after Jeff. “You mean it’s missing?” Johnny asked in concern as Jeff stared at the spot where he had last seen his beloved van.

“Of course it’s missing!” Jeff yelled. “This has to have something to do with my missing keys. I know it!”

“I thought you’d found them? How did you get home?” Johnny looked at him, dead pan.

Jeff shook his head in frustration. “No, I was still looking for them when everyone had gone home. I thought I was going to have to get Laura to pick me up but I found the spare van key. Shit. I wonder who it was.”

Amelia was interrupted from watching the scene unfold by Laura and Brandon who hurried over to her. “What’s going on?” Laura whispered, watching Jeff in amusement.

Amelia turned her head to whisper back to Laura. “Johnny stole his keys and hid the van.”

Laura let out a giggle. “Nice. Well, let’s leave them to figure it out. Do you want some coffee...? Or maybe a cocktail?” Laura added, seeing the faint look of stress in Amelia’s eyes.

“A cocktail would be amazing.” Amelia grinned, picking up her son and following Laura into the house. “So have you had fun today baby?” Amelia asked Brandon as they cuddled on the sofa while Laura prepared the drinks.

“Yeah. We went cinema.” Brandon smiled happily. “Jeff got me popcorn.”

Amelia grinned. “You’re a lucky boy. Did you behave for Uncle Jeff and Aunty Laura?”

Brandon nodded enthusiastically and Laura approached them with drinks. “He was a little angel weren’t you Brandon?” She smiled and sat down, handing Amelia a cocktail glass and Brandon a carton of juice. “Honestly Amelia, he’s a pleasure to look after. You’re obviously a brilliant mom. We’re happy to have him whenever you need.”

“Thanks Laura.” Amelia smiled warmly. “That means a lot. Have you and Jeff thought about having kids?”

Laura laughed and blushed slightly, which was unusual. “Let’s just get the wedding out the way first hey? Then we’ll see what happens.”

Amelia laughed. “That sounds promising! But yeah, I’m glad you two are doing it all the right way round, unlike me and...” she trailed off.

“I wonder where those two have gotten to.” Laura mused, swiftly changing the topic of conversation. Amelia could hear the familiar cackling of Johnny and at precisely that moment he and Jeff appeared in the door way. Johnny was holding his stomach, howling with laughter and Jeff was brandishing a set of keys and a small piece of paper, looking a little flustered.

“Jeff got a parking ticket!” Johnny roared with laughter in an attempt to offer an explanation.

“Your boyfriend’s an asshole Amelia.” Jeff frowned. He sat down next to Laura and took a large gulp of her cocktail. “You need to keep him on a tighter leash.”

“Hey!” Laura protested, pulling the glass away from him. “And would you mind your language around Brandon?”

“What?” Jeff looked at his fiancée. “Asshole isn’t swearing.” Laura hit him on the arm. “Ow!”

Johnny, still trying to recover from his laughing fit, collapsed onto the sofa by Amelia. “Are you ok? Your face is all red.” Amelia stared at him curiously.

“I’m...fine...”Johnny was gasping for breath. “Jeff...too funny...parking ticket...pure gold.”

Amelia and Laura exchanged looks of faint amusement as the men calmed down. “Do you want a beer honey?” Laura smiled at Jeff, who was still staring in disbelief at his ticket.

“Please.” He nodded gratefully. “I’m glad I have the satisfaction of knocking back several beers while Knoxville can’t drink.” He added once Laura had left the room.

Johnny dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Who needs beer? That ticket has made my day.”

Laura returned to the living room with a beer for Jeff and a bottle of coke for Johnny. “So how did it go today?” She asked Amelia tentatively.

Between the two of them, Amelia and Johnny filled Laura and Jeff in on everything that Harry had told them.

“I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Laura smiled reassuringly.

***

Johnny pulled up outside Amelia’s apartment and killed the engine. He wasn’t sure if she would want him to come inside, but he figured he may as well be a gentleman and help her get Brandon out of the car. Amelia rifled through her handbag in search of her keys while Johnny climbed out of the car and unbuckled the sleeping toddler from the child seat. Without exchanging words, Johnny followed Amelia into the building, carrying Brandon in his arms.

“Thanks.” Amelia smiled as Johnny passed Brandon into his mother’s arms. “He’s flat out. I guess Laura and Jeff wore him out.” She laughed and stroked her son’s hair. After a little awkward silence between the two of them she spoke up. “Do you want to stay for a drink maybe?”

“Sure.” Johnny tried to stifle his grin.

“Great.” She smiled. “Well make yourself at home. I’ll just put Brandon to bed.”

Johnny nodded and took a seat on the sofa. Amelia reappeared moments later with a bottle of beer. “I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to change into my pyjamas.” She laughed, gesturing to the formal attire she had been wearing for the meeting. She handed Johnny the beer and disappeared once again.

Johnny laughed and went to take a swig of beer before realising that she had left the bottle cap on. He smiled and made his way into the kitchen for a bottle opener, but he was distracted in the hallway by the fact that Amelia had left her bedroom door slightly open and he could hear her humming to herself. He padded silently towards the door and peered through the crack, where he could see Amelia undressing. As much as he knew he should look away, he found himself unable to move, especially when she started to take off her trousers, exposing her bare legs and lacy thong. Johnny had to put a hand to his mouth to stop himself from making a noise. Unfortunately this was not enough to stop Amelia from noticing his presence.

“Hey, Knoxville!” She exclaimed, turning around to face the door. “I know you’re there!”

Johnny pushed the door fully open sheepishly. “I’m sorry Meels, I couldn’t help myself.”

Amelia laughed and took a few steps closer towards him, dressed only in her tank top and thong. “You’re such a creeper.” She laughed, standing a few metres in front of him.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No!” she exclaimed, more forcefully than she had intended and she put a hand to his chest. “In fact...”She hesitated. “Will you stay with me tonight? I really don’t want to be on my own. I’ve got so much on my mind.” She trailed off and flopped down on the bed, hoping he would say yes.

Johnny sat down on the bed next to her and took her hand. “Of course I will.”

Amelia looked up and smiled, planting a tiny kiss on his cheek. She noticed he was still holding the bottle of beer. “Oh shit.” She laughed. “I forgot to uncap it!”

“I was just on my way to the kitchen when you err... distracted me.” He grinned. Amelia blushed as Johnny put a gentle hand on her bare thigh.

“Well if you’re staying, what do you say we share a bottle of wine instead?” She suggested.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” Johnny grinned, making Amelia blush again.

“Alright Knoxville. Let me get dressed while you crack open a bottle.”

With that Johnny left the bedroom and made his way back to the kitchen in search of alcohol. Amelia followed not long after him and they made themselves comfortable on the sofa. Johnny wrapped his arm around Amelia and she rested her head on his shoulder. He whispered into her ear. “Everything’s going to be alright you know Amelia. I promise.”