I Could Never Pretend

Ryan had wasted no time when it came to securing the house and he and Rose were due to move in at the end of the week. Before they started moving their belongings however, Ryan was going to have to tackle the issue of his best friend, Bam. As far as Ryan knew, Bam had no idea that he too was intending to move out, and he was not entirely sure how he would take it. On the one hand, Ryan hoped that his friend would not freak out and accuse Ryan of deserting him, but at the same time he knew that if Bam acted like he didn’t care, like he had with Dico and the others, it would really upset him. After all, they had been best friends for a hell of a long time.

Rose knew that Ryan was anxious about breaking the news to Bam, so she didn’t push the issue and was careful not to mention anything about the house to the others, not that she really had anything to do with Bam’s new friends. As his old friends had begun to disperse, Bam had lost no time in replacing them and even going so far as to let them move in to Raab and Dico’s old friends. She could tell that this pissed Ryan off, but they both knew that they wouldn’t have to endure it for any longer. Rose was pretty sure that Bam would be happy to see the back of her anyway. Not only was she a reminder of Amelia, but as long as she was living in his house she would not let him forget what he had done.

Ryan decided to approach Bam several days before they moved in. If Bam wanted to get pissy about the situation, Ryan knew that they could go and stay with Rake and Dico for a couple of days, and at least that way they were giving Bam fair warning, unlike Dico who had literally just upped sticks and left. Ryan stood outside for a quick smoke before talking to Bam. He wasn’t nervous but he didn’t feel particularly great about leaving his friend. Yes Bam was an utter asshole and he had turned into a pretty unlikeable person, but he was still Ryan’s best friend and deep down, Ryan was worried about him.

As it turned out, Ryan didn’t have to search for Bam as he joined him on the decking. Ryan watched quietly as Bam dug around in his pockets for his cigarettes. They hadn’t spoken much since Amelia had turned up in West Chester, but this was mainly due to the fact that Bam had gone on a bender and Ryan had been busy sorting out the house. Ryan could see Bam getting frustrated so he threw his own pack of cigarettes towards his friend who caught them and smiled gratefully.

“Cheer’s dude.”

Ryan simply nodded his acknowledgement and continued to stare out across the garden, rehearsing in his head what he was going to say. It was ridiculous how things had changed so much between them. It would have been easy to blame it all on Bam’s relationship with Amelia, but it was far more complicated than that. Truth be told, things hadn’t been the same since Bam had gone AWOL when Amelia was pregnant. Ryan still wondered if he’d cheated on her. Generally the unspoken rule between Bam and Ryan had always been ‘bros before hoes’, as evidenced with Bam’s disastrous relationship with Jenn, but with Amelia it was different. She had always been one of them rather than just Bam’s girlfriend.

After a few minutes of awkward silence between the two men, Bam spoke up. “So err...you coming to The Note tonight?” he asked, glancing at Ryan in between drags of his cigarette.

“Sure.”Ryan shrugged. There was no point in being unfriendly about this. “There’s something I need to talk to you about dude.” Bam looked at Ryan expectantly and he took a deep breath. “I’m moving in with Rose at the end of the week.”

Ryan paused and waited for Bam’s reaction before continuing. “You are?” Bam looked mildly curious and beckoned for Ryan to carry on. Ryan proceeded to explain his plans to Bam, whose expression was unreadable. Ryan was unsure whether or not this was a good thing.

“I kind of feel bad about leaving dude, but Rose and I really want to make a go of things and...” Ryan looked at the ground and wished it would swallow him up. He felt horrible for having to do this to Bam.

Bam held his hand up to stop Ryan. “There’s no need to explain yourself Ry. I get it.” Bam stubbed his cigarette out on the wall and flicked it into the nearby bin.

Ryan stared at Bam cautiously. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not.” Bam smiled. “It’s not like I’m forcing you to stay here. I’m used to people leaving by now.” The lack of colour in his eyes betrayed his calm and confident exterior.

Ryan continued to look at Bam for a few minutes, until he had convinced himself that Bam did not have a problem with him moving out. “Well, I guess that’s all I had to say.” Ryan shrugged. “I’ll see you at The Note later then?”

Bam nodded and watched as his friend departed. He sighed quietly and sat down on one of the garden chairs, resting his legs lazily on the table and studying his shoes. After digging around in his pockets for a little while he eventually found the uncooperative pack of cigarettes and shoved one between his lips. As he lit the cigarette and inhaled a deep breath of nicotine he realised that he felt empty. As much as he had tried to hide it, Ryan leaving really did bother him. Bam had always assumed that out of his friends, Ryan would always be the one to stand by him, right until the very end. Well, that assumption had well and truly been destroyed but he could hardly blame Ryan. Bam had succeeded in alienating all of his closest friends and now all he was left with was a horrible, empty feeling in his chest. The emptiness had appeared the first time that Amelia had left and had been evolving ever since; growing stronger each time someone else abandoned him. Eventually he would have nothing left.

“It’s my own stupid fault.” Bam muttered to himself and pulled off his beanie hat to run a hand through his overgrown curly locks. He needed to do something about his hair and himself in general. April had been right when she had accused him of letting himself go. Bam stared out across the garden and tried to ignore the nagging sensation in the back of his head. He wasn’t sure what it was nagging him about but he did not like it. Bam hated being in his own company for too long as he tended to dwell on what a bad person he was. Perhaps that was why he moved from relationship to relationship so fast, and it also explained why he surrounded himself by so many people. He needed the constant attention and reassurance that he was really as great guy.

The truth was he wasn’t a great guy at all. He was a repulsive individual with no morals whatsoever and he deserved no sympathy. He had effectively destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to him; his relationship with Amelia; and he had no idea how it had even happened. Now he was trying to gain sole custody of Brandon and he couldn’t reasonably explain why. Whatever was going on between Amelia and Johnny pissed him off, but it certainly did not justify trying to take her son away from her. He was expecting to hear from Amelia’s solicitor any day now with regards to the custody case. Bam knew full well that she would appeal against it and he could easily withdraw his application, settling instead for an out of court arrangement. That way, perhaps there could be a future for Jackass. However, now that he had set the wheels in motion he could not back down. After all, Bam Margera always did whatever the fuck he wanted, right?