Through the Darkness

When Alice finally got us back to town it was later than what I had thought, but I couldn't just go home not yet even if Charlie got mad. I knew Edward didn't get why I needed to go see her even if I might be turned away. We were a like Mercy and me.... There wasn't a mom there to watch over me just like Mercy. No dad was there to kiss her good night just like Charlie. I knew what it was like to be alone in the world... Maybe foolishly I wanted to be there as long as I could no matter what happened.

“We're here,” came Alice voice breaking into my thoughts.

“Thanks,” I whispered grabbing my bag of goodies from the back.

Getting out I headed strait to the front door and went in passing the same woman from the day before. Heading for the elevators I took my time getting in and pressing for level three waiting for the doors to close. Taking a deep breath I wondered if I was setting myself up for heart break. This time it seemed like only seconds before the door were opening on the third floor. Stepping out of the elevator my legs seemed to have a mind of their own as they walked me to the NICU without hesitation. There he was waiting on me like I knew he would be.

“Please, I just want to sit with her. It's just a blanket, shoes, and a purple monkey,” I pleaded with Carlisle in a desperate whisper.

“Ten minutes. Those have to be sterilized first,” Carlisle reached out taking the bag.

“How is she?” I stammered as he put the code in.

“She's gain two ounces,” Carlisle smiled slightly trying to not get my hopes up.

“One day,” I swallowed hard as we walked into the NICU.

“That's all we can ask of her,” Carlisle nodded as I took a seat next to her.

“Hey little one,” I cooed as Carlisle excused himself. Part of me wanted to reach out to stroke her fine dirty blonde ringlets.

I could see where those tiny wisps of hair was curling into ringlet.

“It stinks when you have no one I get it. This might not be better, but I'll be around,”

As her body relax a little I took it as a sign she understood on some level. Leaning back in the rocking chair I hummed as I rocked back and forth the lullaby Edward wrote for me.

“Sometime life throws you this lousy hand that you don't deserve, but then sometimes you get something amazing you never expected either,”

Closing my eyes I wished I could tell her it would be okay; that there was better out there for her someday. The one thing I wanted to tell her I could cause I didn't know what tomorrow held for her. All I could do was hope for a better day for her tomorrow.

Feeling two cold arms around me it was different than how Edward held me. Opening my eyes a sliver I saw it was Carlisle, so I fell asleep at the hospital just great. They'd all be on my case about how I was taking on too much by doing this right now. They would gang up on me by morning I knew it; which made want to just groan that I was being treat like I was five. As Carlisle laid me down I notice it was a bunk bed, and not like my lumpy bed at Charlie's either.

“You're in the On-call Room,” Carlisle stated fully aware I wasn't asleep. “I guess Alice is wait on me,” I asked opening my eyes.

“No, We're snowed in at the hospital for at least the night. I called Charlie,” Carlisle explained pulling out a trail mix sort of candy bar.

“Stuck, huh,” I shrugged taking the candy bar being offered.

“The snow got bad after you got here really fast,” Carlisle said as I sat up opening the wrapper and taking a few bites.

“What?” I asked seeing the look in his eyes.

“I'm sorry I left. Since we've been back I've let Edward take the heat.... When you needed me the most I wasn't here,” Carlisle apologized as he kissed my forehead lightly.

“I get it.... You have to stand by the people you love,” I shook my head knowing he had done what he had thought was best.

“I hurt everyone in the long run by giving in to Edward. We've never ran from anything, and yet I let it happen instead of stopping it. You deserved better from me,” Carlisle frowned taking me by the hand.

“Charlie and Renee both have for most of my life left me on my own. Barely knowing me you took me in as one of your own. Any time I needed you there you were. I knew if I ever really needed you; you would find me where ever I was. What you did was out of love for me and the others. I love you like I would a real dad” I said slowly putting my arms around his neck hugging him.

“I love you too,” Carlisle whispered as he kissed my forehead gently.

“Where's Alice?” I asked pulling back knowing she had been waiting on me.

“I sent her home just before the snow in. Charlie thinks I was going to give you a ride, but I figured you'd want to be stuck here instead of home,” Carlisle guessed with a knowing smile.

“Nothing gets by Alice,” I replied softly know why she didn't want me here because of the snow.

“Because you are so different she couldn't pin down how the next few days here would go. Preemies health go up and down like a yo-yo, and she wants to protect you,” Carlisle whispered making me look him directly in the eye.

Standing to my feet I crossed the room to the window watching the snow fall outside faster by the minute. Everything was blanketed outside in a thick layer of snow, and it was almost magical enough to make me forget. Almost.... There was this little nagging voice in the back of my head that wouldn't let me forget. It was the voice that reminded me of where I came from and what I had came through.

“Why does everyone think I can't handle it,” I snapped not meaning to sound as harsh as I did.

“Although the others may disagree with me.... I know you can. You need to be needed because that is who you are. Esme is the same way. You both give your whole heart to everything you do. A little dangerous sometimes for you. I won't lie... Your heart could get broken,” Carlisle trailed off at the end.

Turning to look over my shoulder I could see the truth in his words.

“Isn't my heart to break,” I questioned looking his way.

“Yes, it is. But the people who love you want to protect that heart of yours. They want to save you from any pain,” Carlisle tried to explain their side.

“You,” I inquired curious.

“You have to know when to step back and let go. If your heart breaks I'll be there to pick up the pieces because that is what a dad does for his child,” Carlisle whispered softly as he folded his hands.

“I'm paying it forward,” I mumbled turning back to the window.

“How so,” Carlisle asked I could see his eyebrows knitted together in my mind the way he did when complexed.

Taking a deep breath I watched as the window pane fogged as it was hit with warm breath as I searched for the words.

“Mercy is just like me until you and Esme took me in. Alone in the world is a hard place to be day in and day out, and sometimes you just are waiting for it to be all over. I want better for her even if it's only for a little bit cause if she is taken than least someone loved her,” I blinked as tears traced my cheeks.

Swallowing hard I wasn't too surprised to feel Carlisle come over and pulling me into a gentle had. Wiping at the tears I felt so stupid crying like some little kid. I don't know how long we stood there like that; I just cried as Carlisle hummed some tune I didn't know. When I started hiccuping my hands flew to my face in embarrassment, but Carlisle didn't move acting like it wasn't happening.

“Time to get some sleep,” Carlisle spoke up as he lead me slowly to bottom bunk.

Yawning I didn't fight him as he had me lay down, and pulled a cover from off the top bunk putting it over me. Looking up at Carlisle one last time I closed my eyes know I was safe....

Waking alone in the On-call I pulled myself out of the bed, and got halfway presentable before heading down to NICU. The halls were that early morning silence before anyone is awake but you expect it a hospital not your home. Hearing the steps of my shoe against the floor there's almost this solace in the sound. Reaching the NICU door I half expected to find Carlisle waiting on me there. Pushing the call button wondered if I'd be let in this morning.

“Nurse Taylor, who do we got,” came Nurse Taylor's voice over the intercom.

“Bella, from yesterday,” I replied holding down the button.

“Let me buzz you in,” Nurse Taylor said as the doors opened.

Going inside I was met by Nurse Taylor by Mercy's isolette. She looked bigger than last night if that was possible, and knew it really wasn't possible no matter how I'd like to believe it.

“What to hold her?” Nurse Taylor asked holding out a hospital gown.

“Please,” I whispered as she put it on carefully, and then had me sit down in the rocker.

“Dr. Cullen put the blanket in this morning, and she's been resting a lot better,” Nurse Taylor smiled as she picked up Mercy up.

Gently she laid Mercy in my arms wrapped in the white blanket I had bought her. For the first time I really saw all the wires that was connected to her little body.

“Can I help out around here?” I asked knowing they had to be short staffed.

“You're doing everything right here. I can handle everything else,” Nurse Taylor replied softly.

“Please,” I pleaded with her. Then she held out her finger leaving me alone with Mercy; returning a minute later with something between a bottle and a eyedropper.

“Feed her,” Nurse Taylor encouraged forcing it into my hand.

“Um,” I stuttered nervously.

“Place it on her bottom lip gently,” Nurse Taylor instructed trying to reassure me.

Being as careful as could I did as told, and Mercy latched her tiny mouth slowly. Watching her eat it was very slow, but she was eat which was amazing to me. “Am I doing this right,” I questioned unable to take my eye of Mercy.

“You're doing a great job,” came Carlisle's voice making me look up to see him walking up and Nurse Taylor left me alone with him.

“Morning,” I whispered as he knelt at my side.

“What's going on,” Carlisle eyed me with those knowing eyes.

“I never noticed all the wires, and I am worried about her,” I admitted looking down at her for a second before turning back to Carlisle.

“They're telling us when everything is going right or wrong. It can be overwhelming, but it helps her tell us what she needs. Right now she can't cry really,” Carlisle explained carefully with me as if he was trying not to scare me.