Dirty Little Secrets

-Flashback-

I was looking at Danny, as always. She was lying on her stomach on my bed and I could see down her shirt a little bit. “This doesn’t make any sense.” She finally looked up from her notebook to look at me doing the exact same thing. “Did you get number twelve?”

“Nope. Not there yet.”

She could hear the nervousness in my voice. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

“No, you didn’t do anything.”

“Okay.” She looked back down at her notebook and tapped her pencil on it before shutting it and throwing it on the floor. She moved closer to me as I broke into a mental sweat. “I’m bored now.”

“What do you want to do?” I reached for the remote on my nightstand. I handed it to her but she just put it next to her and wouldn’t take her eyes off of me. I became extremely nervous.

“You know, I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“Neither have I.” I finally was able to look her in the eye and I felt like throwing up. She pushed my homework out of my lap and grabbed my shoulders in her hands before she pressed her lips against mine. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I put a hand on each side of her before I engulfed her in my arms and pulled her on top of me. I didn’t know what I was doing but it just felt right.

She pulled away, creating a smack sound like breaking the suction of a suction cup, then sat next to me with the greatest poker face I’d ever seen.

“So now we can say that we’ve been kissed before.”

Of course. I should have known she wasn’t making a move on me. She was just satisfying her boredom. And I just had to smile and nod and pretend like I didn’t want anything to come out of this.

-Present Moment-

“I’m outside,” Danny said into the phone as I grabbed my duffle bag and headed that way. I threw it in the trunk and Eric and Jared were already in the backseat with the windows down and the music was blaring. I got in the passenger seat and gave her a quick kiss that turned into a smile.

“Let’s get on the road!” Jared yelled then Danny backed up with no consideration of anyone that could be behind her then sped down the road.

It was April now and Danny and I had been together for two months. It didn’t feel like it had been that long. But whenever I was around her nothing else was important or seemed to matter.

I’ve been in love with her since forever but ever since we started dating, I haven’t told her because I started feeling something more for her which I didn’t think was possible. My feelings for her never ceased to grow stronger.

“Guys, we’re graduating in like a month and a half,” Jared said solemnly.

The windows were down as we raced down the highway. “SENIORS ’06 BITCHES!” Danny yelled out the window then the four of us proceeded to do a war cry.

As soon as we arrived at Huntington Beach, we checked into the hotel then began to walk to the beach hand-in-hand. Literally, I was holding Danny’s hand, she was holding Eric’s hand and Jared was holding my hand.

“Dude look at all the chicks in Cali…” Eric stared off at a couple of bleach blonde girls riding bikes in their neon bikinis.

“Everyone’s so dark and blonde here,” Danny said in disgust. She may have been blonde, but she didn’t look like she just stepped out of a tanning bed.

“I love California,” Jared said.

The two ends of the holding hands chain broke off to follow some girls while Danny and I continued on. It was almost seven and the sun was still out but turning orange and pink.

“Have I ever told you how attractive you are?” She said out of nowhere and caught me off guard.

“What?”

“Yeah. You’re like really hot.”

“No I don’t believe you’ve ever told me that.”

“Well you are. I feel like beyond normal because my boyfriend is super attractive.”

“Why do you feel beyond normal?”

“Because I’m so ordinary next to you.”

I scrunched up my face. “No you’re not. I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

“You have to say that.”

“Says who?”

“Says the guy or girl who invented dating rules.”

“I’d think that even if we weren’t dating. I’ve always thought that.”

“Why are you just the best?” She asked and walked closer to me.

“Because you don’t deserve any less than the best of me.”

“You’re just…” She was searching for words as she looked at me then kissed me. “I don’t even have words to describe you anymore. You’re just so John.”

“Thank you?” She giggled as I kissed her again then we reached the crowded beach and nonetheless found a clear spot that we could occupy.

--Danny--

”Danielle, look at me,” Mom said as I was packing my suitcase. I obeyed her with annoyance on my face. “I don’t want John to be in the same room as you at any time. I don’t care if you’re just watching TV together. I don’t want grandchildren this early in my life.”

“Mom, I think we have a little more self-control than to have sex just because we’re in a hotel away from you guys. We’re nowhere near ready for that next step anyway.”

“I’m glad to hear that. But on the off-chance that something comes over you two, I don’t want you two alone.” She’d been going on like this all morning. Yes, I knew where she was coming from and why she was so concerned but really, she should just be able to trust us more. “Is that perfectly clear, Danielle?”

“Crystal.”

I was lying on the sand looking up into the sky with John sitting next to me, propping himself up with one arm. Thinking about my mom’s concerns bothered me because I was supposed to be here having fun and not thinking about my mom.

“Are you okay?” I guess he could see my pinched brow.

“Just thinking about things I shouldn’t be.”

“Maybe I can help you take your mind off of things.”

He leaned in to kiss me then smeared wet sand on my cheeks.

“Oh, that’s it,” I said as he stood up and backed away. I got up to chase after him and he ran knee-deep into the water and when I reached him, a giant wave pushed me down. He began to laugh then pulled me up and picked me up to carry me out of the water.

“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked when he saw me rubbing my backside.

“I just hit the ground really hard with my butt.”

“You want me to kiss it?”

“No, thank you. I appreciate the offer though.”

“It’s valid until the end of the night.”

I began to think about my mom again. The truth was, John and I were sharing a room. But not for the reason most people think we were. We slept in the same bed almost every night together so it was just natural for us. We didn’t do anything together and never came close to thinking about it. But now that my mother brought it up, it was all I could think about.

We were walking back to the hotel and I became uncomfortable in my wet, sandy shorts. The walk felt like miles rather than the couple of blocks it was.

“I get the shower first,” I said as I put in the key to open the door then busted my way in to get my clothes.

“Or we could just take one at the same time,” he said casually, fiddling with something then looking at me innocently.

I just looked at him. I’m not gonna lie, the thought intrigued me. But when it came to something like this, I felt like a nun.

“Not tonight.”

“Tomorrow?”

“I’ll think about it.”

He was smiling away at me. “I, uh…” He fell silent. “I’ll just be here watching TV.”

I didn’t believe that was what he was going to say, but I left it at that. I’ve told John that I love him when we first got together, but things were on a whole new level now. I didn’t know I could feel this way about someone when I was so young. I know I sound typical: that I think we’re going to be together forever, but somehow I just knew we were going to be.

I stepped out of the shower, quickly dressed and found my place in bed in John’s arms.

“My mom told me she didn’t want me in the same room as you,” John said after a moment of silence.

“Mine too.”

“You’re not the only badass anymore,” he said and chuckled. “We’re both breaking rules now.”

“I have such a bad influence on you.”

“Yes you do. I should stop hanging around you so much.”

“You couldn’t stand to be away from me more than twelve hours.”

“Whatever.” He smiled widely then gave me a long kiss before falling asleep.

The next morning, the four of us woke up at nine to get ready to go to Disney Land.

“The only difference between here and the beach,” Jared started to explain, “is that the hot girls have shorts on now.”

“You guys are all talk,” I said and glared playfully at them. “I bet neither of you have the balls to go over to some girl and ask for their number.”

“How much are you willing to bet?” Eric asked with his godfather face. Before I had a chance to speak, Jared walked over to a group of girls with longer shirts than shorts then Eric ran to catch up with him.

“Well that was one way to get rid of them.” John looked at me adoringly and laced his fingers with mine. “Let’s run for it.”

“I wish we never came here,” I said as we ducked into one of the many souvenir shops.

“May I ask why?”

“Because we have to leave soon. And I don’t want to leave.” I had double meanings in my words. I didn’t want John to know, but I’d gotten my acceptance letters from the colleges I applied to. He’d already been accepted to ASU and was planning to go there and so was I, but I wasn’t going there. I had a full ride to Julliard in New York for acting. I thought my parents would make me stay closer to home, but they haven’t encouraged anything more in my life than going to New York. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him.

“We can always come back.”

“Can we?” My question was more searching for a promise than a possibility.

“Absolutely. There’s nothing stopping us.”

We walked around the park and rode the rides and played the games and bought the souvenirs and at the end of the day, Eric and Jared finally found us waiting for the fireworks to begin.

“Where the hell have you guys been?!” Jared asked, out of breath.

“Where have you been?” I questioned.

“Looking for you!”

A loud pop sounded above us as we looked up to see the blue sparks fizzle out into the sky. The crowd started pushing to get closer to the fence and we were once again separated from Eric and Jared. John pulled me away to a clear area as we watched the fireworks.

At the grand finale, John and I were kissing. As the final explosion cracked above us, we broke apart and he kissed me several more times before we opened our eyes. “I love you,” he said finally. The first time he’d said it since we started dating.

“I love you too.” I felt like shedding a tear or two. Not because I was sad or anything, but because I was so happy with where things were and I didn’t want to think about the future. I just wanted to live right now.

Somehow we got back to the hotel and John and I didn’t say anything to each other – we were too busy making out. For some odd reason I felt ready. Yes, ready for him to take me.

“John?” I said nervously.

“Yes?” He breathed out audibly and tried to catch his breath.

I just looked at him and bit my lip anxiously then I sat on top of him and took off my Third Eye Blind t-shirt.