Dirty Little Secrets

“Hey are you okay?” John asked as we were getting dressed for the day, after he observed that I was having a difficult time buttoning my pants.

It wasn’t that they didn’t fit, I was just so fidgety being around John after the dream I had last night.

“Here, let me help you.” He finished buttoning his pants then walked over to me and buttoned mine. “Are you feeling okay? You look washed out. Are you pregnant again?”

I stifled a laugh. “No, not pregnant.” How was I supposed to explain to the love of my life the dreams I’d been having? He looked at me for the second part of my answer. “You’re not going to get too famous for me, are you?”

“Why would you ask something like that?”

“Just a feeling that you won’t have any time for me anymore.”

“I’ll always have time for you.”

He began to place his hands around my waist but I stepped away. “You say that now, but I know you guys are going to do great things. Pretty soon I won’t be cool enough to hang out with anymore.”

“Don’t say that...”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to sound like a selfish bitch or anything by telling you that I don’t want you to do this, because I do. I’m just scared you’re going to be swept away from me and Daisy...”

“Danny, listen to me.” He stepped closer to me and cupped his hands around my neck. “You are my life. Daisy is my life. No matter what happens to us, nothing is going to change that. We’re stuck together forever.” I began to smile. “Babe.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him. “Do you feel better?”

“Much better.”

After going to the park with John and Daisy to meet up with Megan, Garrett and Aidan, and not to mention a few dirty looks from some older couples walking past, we were back at John’s house and coincidentally nap time.

I started to feel better about the whole dream situation and John becoming too big and famous for us. That was until I slipped into dream mode again.

The dream wasn’t exactly the same, I was running towards John like always but he wasn’t swept away by the sea of people. I actually reached him. Neither of us were doing anything, just looking at each other then I started to back away.

Daisy started crying and John stirred next to me to get up with her. He turned the lamp on and I could see him bending over the crib with no shirt on and his long hair a mess.

“I just want to let you know that I love you,” I said quietly and he quickly whipped his head around to look at me. It startled him because I normally didn’t say anything when he got up in the middle of the night.

“Good thing you reminded me. I almost forgot.”

“John.”

“I love you too.”

****

“So how does it feel to have been a mother for almost two months now?” My mother asked when I went over to her house sans John.

“It’s been real. Am I doing a good job?”

“Better than me when I had you. Even though you’re a lot more irresponsible than I was, you’re a lot brighter. You have those instincts that I barely had.”

“You did know that when I was crying as a baby, that meant I needed something, right?”

“Yes, smart ass.” She laughed then glanced at me. “You are a piece of work I’ll tell you that.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“And...I know you’ll be a great mom.” All I did was smile at her. “Are you and John going to move out of his parents’ house any time soon?”

I shook my head. “No. We’re not really looking. Besides I blew all my money on that apartment in California. And John doesn’t have money either.”

“His parents do.”

“Asking them for money is like living in the same house as them, Mom.”

“Yeah, yeah I guess you’re right. Just make sure you don’t outstay your welcome.”

I hated when my mom pointed out the obvious. Which was all the time. I let her hold Daisy so she would stop talking for at least a minute.

“She is adorable, Danielle. You and John made something so beautiful.”

“She gets her looks from him.”

“Be good to him, Honey. You two are perfect for each other.”

-May 2008-

John had been gone most of the day because Tim invited him over to his house and as I was putting six month-old Daisy down for a nap, John burst through the doors of his room which caused her to start screaming her mouth off.

“Dammit John. Why’d you do that?”

“I’m sorry but I am just so excited right now please calm me down.” He was almost bouncing off the wall and I pat Daisy’s back to get her to be quiet.

“Why are you so excited?”

“Nope. Not until you put Daisy down.”

“Well I’d like to but you freaked her the hell out.” A few minutes later, she was quiet and I placed her in her crib and John yanked my arm to pull me outside. “Why are we outside again?”

“I didn’t want to wake up Daisy again.” I waited for him to tell me the important news. “Okay, first, we’re about to go to California to record our new album, which is going to be a full length.”

“John that’s awesome! I can’t wait to hear it!”

“Yeah, but that’s not all. Boys Like Girls, you know them right?”

“Um, yes, John. What about them?”

“Their tour manager called Tim this morning and invited us to open for, wait for this, you’re going to love it, them, Metro Station, and Good Charlotte.”

I grabbed John’s wrists and started jumping up and down in his front yard and he joined along as a few people driving by stopped and stared.

I was so happy for him and the rest of the guys. This was their big break. But in the midst of my jumping, I became extremely pessimistic. What if John was right in thinking that he wouldn’t be around to see Daisy grow up? Already in her first year of life, he’d be gone recording for who knows how long, and then a tour.

“What are you thinking?” John asked me while I was being silent at dinner when everyone else had left the table.

“A lot of things.”

“Like...”

“Well, it’s not that big of a deal to Daisy because she wouldn’t realize you were gone, her being so young. But are you okay with it? Leaving her, I mean?”

“It sounds terrible when you put it that way.”

“I know, I’m sorry but I’m just curious. How hard is that going to be for you?”

“I don’t understand, Danny. You want to be happy for me and you encourage me to do what I want when you’re just going to sit there and guilt trip me into staying.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do at all.”

“Well that’s what it’s coming off as. Now I feel like a selfish asshole.”

“Don’t -”

“You’re making me feel that way, Danny! You’re making me feel that if I leave my daughter, as you so put it, I’m just making the wrong decision.”

“I was just curious as to how you felt about it! I’m not trying to guilt trip you!”

“Yes, Danny, it will hurt me.”

“That’s all I wanted to know. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that.”

“It’s just hard.” I wasn’t looking at me, but picked up mine and his empty plates and put them in the dishwasher. “I just can’t do the things I want to anymore. Not without thinking about how it affects you and Daisy.”

“Do you regret it?”

“What? Getting you pregnant? Are you kidding me?” He looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. “God dammit Danny, do you know nothing at all.”

He stormed out of the dining room and I followed him into his room.

“What did you mean by that?”

“What kind of a stupid question was that? You honestly think I regret having her? All I said was I couldn’t do anything without thinking about how it affected her. I’m not putting anything ahead of you or her. You told me to do what I loved.”

I didn’t want to say anything anymore for fear that I would get my head chopped off. He bolted out of his room and I decided not to follow him this time. This was like our first fight. And it didn’t feel that great.

I got ready for bed and climbed under the covers and about an hour of laying there, John came back in and started getting ready for bed too. But instead of getting in next to me, he pulled his pillow off his side and left the room.

****

--John--

Danny and I left Daisy at my house under my parents’ watch to go to Tim and Pat’s house the night before we left to go to California. Ever since last week when I blew up at Danny, she’s been scared to say anything to me. I wouldn’t blame her, I got pretty frightening, even to myself. But she was just so confusing. I don’t know what she was trying to do.

I coupled up with Garrett when we arrived and Danny went to go find her sister. “Something up?” He nodded in the direction of her walking away. “This is the first time I’ve seen you two separate.”

“She’s scared of me.”

“Did you hit her or something?”

“God no. I yelled at her last week. She was trying to guilt trip me into staying for the sake of Daisy.”

“Oh. Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it and I decided that we should just bring Daisy and Aidan with us and just sit them on our shoulders while we’re on stage.”

“That idea is so crazy it just might work,” I said sarcastically and took a big sip of my beer.

“No, man, but it’s going to be tough. But people do this all the time. As long as we don’t do something stupid like letting the fame go to our heads too much. We’re not even famous. Let’s just keep ourselves grounded and humble and come home to our wonderful ladies and babies.”

“Are you about 35 now?”

“41 actually. You’re still 23 though. Yelling at Danny, God damn, who are you?”

I chuckled. “I don’t know.” I took another sip of beer.

“Are you ready for it though?” He asked me.

“Ready for what?”

“To be the ugliest, most unpopular person in a band. Ever.”

I laughed again and nodded. “Bring it on.”

The next morning, our van was loaded with all of our equipment and instruments and people and they were honking at Garrett and I as we were still saying goodbye.

“Danny, I just want to let you know that you mean everything to me. I’m sorry about last week and I never want to relive that. I know you didn’t mean anything by what you asked. So I’ll see you in about a month. Love you, babe.”

“I love you more.”

I kissed her for a substantial amount of time then I kissed Daisy’s head and I yelled, “AS YOU WISH!” when I climbed in the van.

Right before the door was shut, she yelled back, “AS YOU WISH MORE!”