Status: Be right back...
Dirty Little Secrets
Saint John
-October 2, 2008-
‘I’m outside,’ the text read as I was putting the last of Daisy’s things in her bag. This is the first time I would be seeing John since we broke up a month earlier. As much as it was stereotypical of me to be a single mother at 20, I was smiling and beaming more than I had been.
Daisy was reaching up for me in her crib and I scooped her up hastily and slung her bag over my shoulder. I walked past Megan’s slightly open door and saw Garrett and her making out on her bed. I knocked on the door and scared the daylights out of them, adding, “That’s how babies are made.”
I walked out the front door and saw that old white truck sitting there with John sitting in it, looking down. Before I reached the truck he noticed me and hopped out, took Daisy out of my arms and didn’t make eye contact with me.
“Here,” I said and handed him the bag.
“Thanks. See you next Thursday.”
I went back inside to my parent-less house and went into Megan’s room. Luckily they were occupied with Aidan’s feeding time.
“Hey, um, I’ll be back in a little bit. Do you think you guys can refrain yourselves from making another baby?”
Megan rolled her eyes at me and said yes while Garrett shook his head no.
“Okay good enough for me.”
****
“Sign here, here and initial here,” the lady told me as I followed her directions. “Congratulations, you can move in whenever you like!”
It felt redundant to keep renting apartment after apartment but Daisy and I living with my parents and Megan and Ethan and Aidan was horrid. There was barely enough room to breathe.
I drove back to my parents’ house in a daze and started to think about the past three years. I love John so much, but the timing is so wrong. Maybe one of these days we’ll get back together. That is, if he’ll have me. I still want to marry him; I’ll just let him have his fun for a while.
Later that day while I was sitting and watching TV in the living room, a knock came at the door. John probably forgot something.
I opened the door and Carlos was standing there. “Carlos!” I attacked him with my hug and he set down his duffle bag. “What are you doing here?!”
“Well we had a four day weekend at Julliard and I though I’d come see how you were doing.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot people do that schooling thing. How are you doing in school?”
“Good, Mom.” I laughed and thought of how many times people called me Mom. Maybe too much.
“I was actually going to start getting my stuff together and get out of here.”
“Where are you going? I just got here!”
“Ahwatukee. I’m moving out to my own place. It’s pretty crazy here.”
We walked back to my room as Garrett and Megan watched us pass by curiously.
“Oh, guys, this is Carlos. Carlos, this is my sister, Megan, her boyfriend, Garrett, and their son Aidan is over in the crib.”
“Nice to meet you!” Megan called out as we continued into my room and I shut the door behind me.
“I totally forgot you had a baby,” he said as he looked at Daisy’s things.
“Turn you off?”
“No,” he chuckled. “So what happened?”
“When a boy loves a girl -”
“I mean between you and John. To make you guys break up.”
“Oh. That.” I laid face up on my bed and linked my fingers together. “Well, John and his band released a full-length and they went on tour with Boys Like Girls and the whole time I was worried that he was going to think Daisy and I ruined his life.”
“So you broke up with him?”
“No. I went to their show here in Tempe and he dedicated a song to me and afterwards I went over to his mob of people after the show and when he saw me, he looked at me like I was the only girl in the world.”
“So what’s the problem here?”
“I didn’t think there was one. I thought I was being this paranoid idiot. That was until he came home from tour. He just wasn’t the same. He told me to make him a sandwich and -” Carlos began laughing. “Shut up, Carlos. Anyways, I told him he could make his own sandwich and he proceeded to tell me that there were plenty of girls that would love to make him a sandwich.”
“What an asshole.” He was quiet for a moment, just staring intently at my face. “Well, coming from a complete third party person that has no affection for you at all, I’m going to say that he’s without. You need a guy who will treat you the way you’re supposed to be treated.”
“Is that you?”
He looked down and began smirking. “You know, it’s been a year and a half since you chose him over me. And here you are begging me to give you another chance.”
“I am not begging you!”
“Well I’m sorry to inform you, but I have a girlfriend.”
“That’s awesome. I’m not trying to pick you up,” I began laughing. “Besides, I still want to be with John.”
“Then why aren’t you with him?”
“I’m going to wait until he gets this ‘all the bitches want me’ out of his head and he starts acting like John again.”
“You might be waiting a long time.”
“I don’t care.”
“And he might move on before you.”
--John--
“What’s Danny been up to?” Jared asked me as I was soaring Daisy above my head.
“Shit if I care,” I said bitterly.
“Are you doing okay?”
“Look, Jared, I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay, okay.” He was quiet a moment. “I’m sure she’ll come around and realize that she made a mistake.”
“Jared!”
“I’m sorry. I, uh...” He stood up. “I gotta go...” Jared left and I took Daisy back into my room and laid her on my chest.
“Your mom’s crazy,” I said to her. “She hurt me. I think it’s stupid for us three to not be a family. Either I have you or she has you. That isn’t fair to you.” I let out a long sigh and let her play with my finger. “But she wasn’t happy. She drove me half insane. If only we’d figured it out before we had to involve you.”
Daisy began smiling because of her enjoyment with my finger. Her smile reminded me of Danielle.
Yeah, maybe I wanted her back a little. But she had a point. The timing was off. And I’m not going to be the one to be over here pining for her. I’d just move on.
****
‘Meet me at this address...’ Danielle texted me this address in Ahwatukee. Confused, I gathered up Daisy and her things regardless and drove 15 minutes. I ended up in front of an apartment complex and saw her a ways in front of me. I parked in front of her and she waited for me to get everything out of my mom’s BMW.
“What’s this?”
“My new apartment. Wanna come inside?”
I was silent as I unbuckled Daisy from her carseat. “Nah. I’m good.”
“Come on. Just come in and see her room.”
I sighed. “I guess.” I passed Daisy over to Danielle before we walked over to her apartment and I trailed a little behind her. “I, uh... I heard you had a visitor last weekend.”
“Oh yeah, Carlos. It was nice to see him again.”
“Yep, this is really nice,” I said uncomfortably, changing the subject as I looked into Daisy’s room from the hallway.
“Do you want something to drink?” She asked as she placed Daisy in her crib.
“No, I was just going to head out.”
“Can we talk, please?”
“About what?”
“About what happened between us.”
“You broke up with me. That’s what happened.”
“Okay, just make it seem like you did nothing to make me do it,” she said, getting agitated.
“Touched a nerve, did I?”
“Since when are you the hottest thing since steaming shit?!”
“I’m going to ask you to not raise your voice around our daughter.”
She scowled at me as she shook her head. “You... You are a piece of work.”
“As are you. You always think you have to control everything.”
“Oh! Okay. Forget us ever getting back together.”
I stifled a laugh. “Get back together? Don’t tell me you were actually thinking about that.”
She looked like I kicked all the air out of her. “No. Not a chance.”
“You were thinking about getting back together? Really?”
“Excuse me for still being in love with you.”
“If you were in love with me you wouldn’t have broken my heart. You know what, have a nice life with Carlos.”
I started to walk out of the door but she slammed it before I could. “Carlos?! Really John?! You think that’s why I broke up with you? To be with Carlos?”
“Excuse me for thinking that since he came all the way from fucking New York to ‘come see you.’”
“You have your head so far up your own ass I don’t blame you for thinking something like that. Get out of my house.”
“Well I tried but you kept me in.”
She shut the door heavily after I walked outside then I heard both locks turn as I shook my head in anger.
If I could go back in time, I’d slap some sense into my 14 year old self. She’s the one. I thought. She’s the one I’m going to marry.
‘I’m outside,’ the text read as I was putting the last of Daisy’s things in her bag. This is the first time I would be seeing John since we broke up a month earlier. As much as it was stereotypical of me to be a single mother at 20, I was smiling and beaming more than I had been.
Daisy was reaching up for me in her crib and I scooped her up hastily and slung her bag over my shoulder. I walked past Megan’s slightly open door and saw Garrett and her making out on her bed. I knocked on the door and scared the daylights out of them, adding, “That’s how babies are made.”
I walked out the front door and saw that old white truck sitting there with John sitting in it, looking down. Before I reached the truck he noticed me and hopped out, took Daisy out of my arms and didn’t make eye contact with me.
“Here,” I said and handed him the bag.
“Thanks. See you next Thursday.”
I went back inside to my parent-less house and went into Megan’s room. Luckily they were occupied with Aidan’s feeding time.
“Hey, um, I’ll be back in a little bit. Do you think you guys can refrain yourselves from making another baby?”
Megan rolled her eyes at me and said yes while Garrett shook his head no.
“Okay good enough for me.”
****
“Sign here, here and initial here,” the lady told me as I followed her directions. “Congratulations, you can move in whenever you like!”
It felt redundant to keep renting apartment after apartment but Daisy and I living with my parents and Megan and Ethan and Aidan was horrid. There was barely enough room to breathe.
I drove back to my parents’ house in a daze and started to think about the past three years. I love John so much, but the timing is so wrong. Maybe one of these days we’ll get back together. That is, if he’ll have me. I still want to marry him; I’ll just let him have his fun for a while.
Later that day while I was sitting and watching TV in the living room, a knock came at the door. John probably forgot something.
I opened the door and Carlos was standing there. “Carlos!” I attacked him with my hug and he set down his duffle bag. “What are you doing here?!”
“Well we had a four day weekend at Julliard and I though I’d come see how you were doing.”
“Oh yeah, I forgot people do that schooling thing. How are you doing in school?”
“Good, Mom.” I laughed and thought of how many times people called me Mom. Maybe too much.
“I was actually going to start getting my stuff together and get out of here.”
“Where are you going? I just got here!”
“Ahwatukee. I’m moving out to my own place. It’s pretty crazy here.”
We walked back to my room as Garrett and Megan watched us pass by curiously.
“Oh, guys, this is Carlos. Carlos, this is my sister, Megan, her boyfriend, Garrett, and their son Aidan is over in the crib.”
“Nice to meet you!” Megan called out as we continued into my room and I shut the door behind me.
“I totally forgot you had a baby,” he said as he looked at Daisy’s things.
“Turn you off?”
“No,” he chuckled. “So what happened?”
“When a boy loves a girl -”
“I mean between you and John. To make you guys break up.”
“Oh. That.” I laid face up on my bed and linked my fingers together. “Well, John and his band released a full-length and they went on tour with Boys Like Girls and the whole time I was worried that he was going to think Daisy and I ruined his life.”
“So you broke up with him?”
“No. I went to their show here in Tempe and he dedicated a song to me and afterwards I went over to his mob of people after the show and when he saw me, he looked at me like I was the only girl in the world.”
“So what’s the problem here?”
“I didn’t think there was one. I thought I was being this paranoid idiot. That was until he came home from tour. He just wasn’t the same. He told me to make him a sandwich and -” Carlos began laughing. “Shut up, Carlos. Anyways, I told him he could make his own sandwich and he proceeded to tell me that there were plenty of girls that would love to make him a sandwich.”
“What an asshole.” He was quiet for a moment, just staring intently at my face. “Well, coming from a complete third party person that has no affection for you at all, I’m going to say that he’s without. You need a guy who will treat you the way you’re supposed to be treated.”
“Is that you?”
He looked down and began smirking. “You know, it’s been a year and a half since you chose him over me. And here you are begging me to give you another chance.”
“I am not begging you!”
“Well I’m sorry to inform you, but I have a girlfriend.”
“That’s awesome. I’m not trying to pick you up,” I began laughing. “Besides, I still want to be with John.”
“Then why aren’t you with him?”
“I’m going to wait until he gets this ‘all the bitches want me’ out of his head and he starts acting like John again.”
“You might be waiting a long time.”
“I don’t care.”
“And he might move on before you.”
--John--
“What’s Danny been up to?” Jared asked me as I was soaring Daisy above my head.
“Shit if I care,” I said bitterly.
“Are you doing okay?”
“Look, Jared, I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay, okay.” He was quiet a moment. “I’m sure she’ll come around and realize that she made a mistake.”
“Jared!”
“I’m sorry. I, uh...” He stood up. “I gotta go...” Jared left and I took Daisy back into my room and laid her on my chest.
“Your mom’s crazy,” I said to her. “She hurt me. I think it’s stupid for us three to not be a family. Either I have you or she has you. That isn’t fair to you.” I let out a long sigh and let her play with my finger. “But she wasn’t happy. She drove me half insane. If only we’d figured it out before we had to involve you.”
Daisy began smiling because of her enjoyment with my finger. Her smile reminded me of Danielle.
Yeah, maybe I wanted her back a little. But she had a point. The timing was off. And I’m not going to be the one to be over here pining for her. I’d just move on.
****
‘Meet me at this address...’ Danielle texted me this address in Ahwatukee. Confused, I gathered up Daisy and her things regardless and drove 15 minutes. I ended up in front of an apartment complex and saw her a ways in front of me. I parked in front of her and she waited for me to get everything out of my mom’s BMW.
“What’s this?”
“My new apartment. Wanna come inside?”
I was silent as I unbuckled Daisy from her carseat. “Nah. I’m good.”
“Come on. Just come in and see her room.”
I sighed. “I guess.” I passed Daisy over to Danielle before we walked over to her apartment and I trailed a little behind her. “I, uh... I heard you had a visitor last weekend.”
“Oh yeah, Carlos. It was nice to see him again.”
“Yep, this is really nice,” I said uncomfortably, changing the subject as I looked into Daisy’s room from the hallway.
“Do you want something to drink?” She asked as she placed Daisy in her crib.
“No, I was just going to head out.”
“Can we talk, please?”
“About what?”
“About what happened between us.”
“You broke up with me. That’s what happened.”
“Okay, just make it seem like you did nothing to make me do it,” she said, getting agitated.
“Touched a nerve, did I?”
“Since when are you the hottest thing since steaming shit?!”
“I’m going to ask you to not raise your voice around our daughter.”
She scowled at me as she shook her head. “You... You are a piece of work.”
“As are you. You always think you have to control everything.”
“Oh! Okay. Forget us ever getting back together.”
I stifled a laugh. “Get back together? Don’t tell me you were actually thinking about that.”
She looked like I kicked all the air out of her. “No. Not a chance.”
“You were thinking about getting back together? Really?”
“Excuse me for still being in love with you.”
“If you were in love with me you wouldn’t have broken my heart. You know what, have a nice life with Carlos.”
I started to walk out of the door but she slammed it before I could. “Carlos?! Really John?! You think that’s why I broke up with you? To be with Carlos?”
“Excuse me for thinking that since he came all the way from fucking New York to ‘come see you.’”
“You have your head so far up your own ass I don’t blame you for thinking something like that. Get out of my house.”
“Well I tried but you kept me in.”
She shut the door heavily after I walked outside then I heard both locks turn as I shook my head in anger.
If I could go back in time, I’d slap some sense into my 14 year old self. She’s the one. I thought. She’s the one I’m going to marry.