Dirty Little Secrets

“So what did you think?” He asked me after he walked off stage.

“It was awesome! I really liked your set.”

He stared at me for a moment. “I can’t believe I’m finally on a date with you. I can’t believe you’re not already taken!”

We walked out into the cold January night and he held my hand. The feeling of his fingers laced between mine just felt so natural.

“You’re not taken, are you?” He asked after my awkward silence.

“No, no I’m not. I was just thinking about the last guy I was with.”

Thoughts were racing through my mind of Daisy. I couldn’t bring up John without bringing up the daughter we had together. I had to tell Joel sooner or later.

“Oh. What happened there?”

“The timing was just wrong. We didn’t really work out.”

“I know what you mean. I stopped seeing this girl about a year or so ago because she didn’t tell me she’s had a son since she was 16. I mean, we went on like three dates and she didn’t once mention anything about him.”

“Joel, I have a daughter,” I said quickly then looked at him, hoping he wouldn’t run away screaming.

“No...” He tried to play it off as a joke. “You’re not really a mom are you?” His face began to believe it.

“I am. She turned two last month.”

We came to a complete stop on the sidewalk. He began smiling then rubbed my hands together with his to warm them up. “I’d love to meet her one day. That is, if you’ll let me.”

“But you just said you broke up with that other girl because she didn’t tell you -”

“She didn’t tell me. You told me. On the first date at that. I have no problem with kids, Danielle, I have a problem with people that don’t tell me they have them.”

He pulled me close to him and comforted me in his hug. “I think she’ll love you.” He kissed the top of my head then I pulled myself back and gave him a smile.

“So, tell me all about her.”

****

It was now March and Joel and I had been seeing each other for almost two months.

“I’ll walk you to your door,” he said and got out of the car. We walked in silence as he held my hand. Being with him made me feel innocent and alive. We didn’t even have to do anything special; just holding his hand was exceptional. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Would you like to come inside? I’d like you to meet Daisy.”

A smile spread across his face. “Really?” I nodded and put my key in the door.

“Dad? Are you back here?” I yelled down the hallway.

“Yes, Danielle, I’m right here.” He walked out of Daisy’s room. “How did your date-” He stopped talking once he saw Joel. “You must be Joel!” He said excitedly.

“Yes, sir. It’s very nice to finally meet you.” Joel stuck out his hand for him to shake.

“Oh, Danielle. It seems like you’ve got a gentleman here.”

I blushed and covered my face with my hand as the two of them let out a chuckle.

“Yeah, I wanted him to meet Daisy.”

He stood there for a second then snapped out of it. “Oh, I think I left something...out in the truck.”

I rolled my eyes and led Joel down the hall towards Daisy’s room.

“Mommy?” She called once I stepped in the doorway. I left Joel in the hall.

“Hey Sweetie. There’s someone I’d like for you to meet.”

She sat there eagerly as I guided Joel into the room holding his hand. Her eagerness turned to timidness which turned into almost fear. I stopped Joel from getting any closer to her.

“Daisy, this is my good friend Joel. Can you say hi to Joel?”

“Hi Jool,” she said quietly and hid her face behind her stuffed unicorn.

I heard my dad come back into the apartment as I picked her up out of her crib and held her close to me. “Are you scared?” I kissed the side of her face as her rosy cheeks became rosier. “There’s nothing to be scared of Sweetie, he won’t hurt you. He wants to be your friend. Can you give him a high five?”

She unburied her face from my shoulder for half a second and tapped the hand Joel had sticking out for her.

“See? He’s not so scary.” I started tickling her and she giggled wildly as I set her back in her crib. My dad walked in.

“Danielle, do you need me anymore?”

“No, Dad. You can leave if you’d like. Thank you again.”

“No problem, Dan. Nice to meet you Joel,” he said and shook his hand again. “I hope to see you again soon!”

“Alright, Daisy, you ready to go night night?”

“No!!!”

“I think you mean yes. Can you say night night to Mr. Joel?”

“Nigh nigh misser Jool.” He gave her another high five then I kissed the top of her head. “Nigh nigh Mommy.”

“Night night Sweetie. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I switched off the light and shut the door slowly then I looked at Joel smiling like a fool.

“She’s incredible, Danny. I don’t know how her dad could have left either of you. But I’m glad he did because I wouldn’t have gotten to know you. I wouldn’t have gotten to fall in love with you.”

“What did you say?”

“I’m falling in love with you. Every time I’m around you I just get so happy, and all I wanna do is make you happy too.”

“You do make me happy. Just by being around.”

He smiled his adorable smile and hugged me tightly then planted a kiss on my lips.

****

“Wait, wait, what? You’re telling me she got to be 30 for like a month...then she gets to be 13 again? No, Jennifer Garner, it does not work like that,” Joel ranted about the movie that just finished.

“If she didn’t get to be 13 again she wouldn’t have married Mark Ruffalo and she would have been unhappy.”

“Maybe she should have thought of that before she made fun of young, fat Mark Ruffalo in front of people that weren’t even her friends.”

I gave him a blank stare. “Shut up Jool.”

“Hey. Only Daisy is allowed to call me Jool.”

We had a short staring contest then I stuck out my tongue at him and he tossed the remote over his shoulder and threw himself on top of me as I let out a squeal. What started out as an innocent make out became heated quickly. I bit his lip. He pulled back and looked at me with seductive eyes.

“You’re one of those girls, huh?”

“I...I’ve never done that before. I dunno it just felt like the right thing to do.”

“Don’t worry, it was perfectly fine by me.” He leant back down to kiss me and I once again got so carried away I bit his lip again. This time he went on. The next thing I knew my shirt was off, exposing my orange bra.

“Joel,” I said and lightly pushed him off of me, catching my breath. “My shirt is off.”

“I see that.”

“I don’t know what it is about you... But everything just feels so right. I’ve only known you for almost three months now and I feel so safe with you and I feel like I can tell you anything.”

“Because you can tell me anything and I will keep you safe.”

“I love you, Joel.”

“I love you, Danielle.”

I pulled him down to me by his neck then I led him back to my room.

****

“Alright, I’ll be back in a little while. Pick out a movie to watch when I get back.” I winked at him as I picked up Daisy and put my purse over my shoulder.

“When can I meet him?” Joel asked solemnly. “Am I ever going to meet him?”

“Who? John?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, yeah some day. I just don’t want to complicate things right now.”

“What’s so complicated about it? I think the man has a right to know who is spending time with his daughter.”

“We can talk about this when I get back, okay?”

“Fine.”

I put Daisy in her car seat and drove over to John’s house. Joel was right. We were going on four months now and John had every right to know this new man in my life. I just had to tell him I had a man in my life first.

John met me halfway from his front door to my car and started to take Daisy out of my arms.

“Do you mind if I come in for a minute? I’d like to talk to you.”

“I was just about to ask you if you’d like to come in.”

I followed him quietly to his room after saying hello to his parents and his brothers. He left Daisy in the living room with Jen.

“Why haven’t you told me?” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth.

“Told you what?”

“About your boyfriend.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Well I don’t. But I do care if you’re bringing him around Daisy.”

“I wouldn’t have let them meet and get along if I knew he was going to walk out the door and never come back the next day. Do you want to meet him or something?”

“Not really. If you trust him enough around her then I have no choice but to trust him too. I trust your decisions.”

“That means a lot to me.” I started to walk out of his room. “With that being said, can I ask a favor of you?”

“What’s that?”

“If and when you get a girlfriend... Just don’t bring every girl you date around Daisy. Make sure she’s special.”

“Will do.” He gave me a genuine smile then he walked me to the door and made Daisy wave and say bye to me.

-July 4, 2010-

“This is so stupid. I can’t believe you’re leaving to go on tour and you’ll be gone for our 6th month anniversary.”

I’m not gonna lie, I was feeling pretty skeptical about the whole idea of tour again. But for some reason I completely trusted Joel. I didn’t trust John at all. I wasn’t unhappy with Joel.

“Um, it wouldn’t have been stupid if you and Daisy just came with us.”

I shifted in my seat and took my foot off the break since the light turned green.

“You never told me why you didn’t want to go with us. Don’t you need directions?”

“No, I’m fine. I have a map in my head.”

“So why...do you not want to go with us?” He pressed on and wouldn’t take his eyes off of me and I tightened my grip on the wheel.

“I just think Daisy’s too young. You know I’d love to be there cheering you on but I just don’t think it’s the smart thing to do.”

I don’t know why I was lying to Joel. He was eventually going to find out and the thought of when that happened scared me. He was just so excited to be on his first big tour and he wanted me to be there. I just couldn’t because John would be there too.