Dirty Little Secrets

I walked up the steps and knocked on the door and waited. John answered the door a few moments later and looked terrible.

“What are you doing here?” He pulled me in and looked around outside to see if anyone saw me.

“I didn’t know anywhere else to go.”

“You shouldn’t be here. It’s only going to make things worse. Where’s Daisy?”

“She’s at the house with Joel. Now can you please calm down?” I walked over to him and placed my hand on his arm but he pulled away.

“Danny, we messed up.”

“What? I thought you wanted this.”

“I did... I do but not like this. We hurt one of my good friends. We hurt your husband.”

I turned around and leaned against the wall. I was biting my nails. He was right; we shouldn’t have done it, no matter how much either of us wanted it.

“I don’t know why I tried to relive the past,” I sort of mumbled. “It didn’t work out the first time and I was crazy to think it would have worked out this time.”

His face turned to disgust. “You broke up with me, Danny. I never even saw it coming. I never gave up on us.”

“Well maybe you should have,” I said coldly.

“Well you know what? You’re a slut, Danny. And Joel would have divorced you anyway because you think you have to control everything, but this isn’t a game. This is real life and you’re hurting everyone around you.”

“That wasn’t very nice.”

“Yeah, I can’t believe I tried to relive the past either.”

I left his apartment and a new batch of tears left my eyes when I got in my car. I thought I’d be all cried out by now. And I wasn’t crying because I’d cheated on Joel, I was crying because now I don’t have John.

****

“Danny? Danny, what are you doing here?” I opened my eyes and Megan was standing over me. I breathed in deeply and wiped my eyes and remembered I let myself in last night and fell asleep on the couch.

“Megan... I messed up.”

“What happened?” I sat up and she sat next to me. Garrett walked through to the kitchen and I looked like I didn’t want to say anything because he was around. “Gare get out of here!”

He looked back at her with his unkempt hair and beard, then he looked at me and walked back to the bedroom.

“Danny, what did you do?”

“I, um... I cheated on Joel.”

“Excuse me, what did you say? Did you just say you cheated on Joel?”

“Megan, don’t make me say it again.”

“Oh my God.” She sat forward and grabbed her head. “What in the hell were you thinking?!”

I could have said that I wasn’t thinking. But I was. I was thinking that it was something I wanted to do.

“I wanted to,” I said sheepishly.

“You what? This is bad. This is so bad.” She gasped. “Oh my God, does he know?”

I nodded. “He walked in on me and John.”

“JOHN?! He has a girlfriend! Oh my God. Oh my God.”

“Would you stop saying ‘oh my God’?”

“How are you going to fix this? Do you... Do you still want Joel?”

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me after this...”

“I didn’t ask you that.”

“I don’t know,” I said quietly and she stood up and walked around angrily.

“I feel like I don’t know who you are. The Danny I know wouldn’t have gotten married if she knew it wasn’t what she wanted. The Danny I know would never have deliberately hurt someone she cared about. I can’t believe I used to look up to you. My big sister that had everything she wanted and was so incredibly happy... And you know what? You may be older than me but I can assure you that I would never cheat on Garrett. Because not only would it hurt him, it would hurt Aidan and Julian too. And that’s what you’ve done; you’ve hurt Joel and Daisy. Great job, Danny. The parent of the year award goes to you.” She stomped back to her room and a few minutes later, my mom walked to the living room.

“Danny, what on earth is all the commotion in here? Are you okay, hun?”

I wiped my eyes and faced the back of the couch and clutched the pillow tightly. “I’m a terrible person.”

“Oh, Danny, you are not either. Now what happened?”

I spilled the beans and I didn’t expect for her to take it any better than Megan.

“Danielle, you told me on the day of your wedding that you were old enough to make your own decisions and you were sure of your choice to be married to Joel. Now why in the world would you make a promise you knew you weren’t going to keep?”

“I didn’t know that I was going to cheat on him, Mom.”

Her eyes bore into mine, telling me she knew I was lying. But I wasn’t. Unless I was so naive to my own feelings.

“I don’t know what came over me... John kissed me and the next thing I knew-”

“Were you leading him on?”

“No. Not really. Okay, maybe I let him think that I wanted to be kissed.”

“How?”

“It’s just that I didn’t want to adopt with Joel and it was kind of stressing me out how much he wanted kids and I was relieved that we couldn’t and John asked me if I didn’t want to have more kids or if I just didn’t want to have them with him and I didn’t know... But now I do. I want to have kids; I’d love to. Just not with Joel as the father.”

“Sounds to me like you know what you want to do.”

“I can’t though.” She waited for me to continue. “John’s angry with me. And he has a girlfriend. And I still want to make it work with Joel. I don’t want a stupid lapse in reason to ruin us.”

“Danny, things aren’t going to be the same, you know that right? You can’t just apologize and you’ll both forget what happened. Especially since you know how you really feel.”

“Mom, I’m trying to make it right with my husband. Wouldn’t you rather me do that than get divorced?”

“I just want you to be happy.”

She gave me a small smile and walked into the kitchen. I’ve never heard her say anything like that before. For the first time she actually felt like a mother.

-The Next Day-

Apprehension arose when I pulled up to Joel and I’s house. There were balloons out front and streamers along the doorway and I walked in to smell a cake being baked.

“Mommy!” Daisy yelled and ran to me and I swooped her up in the air and kissed her cheek.

“Happy Birthday, Dais! How old are you today?”

“I’m six!”

“That’s right! My baby girl is growing up so fast.” I hugged her tightly and she was trying to push herself away from me.

“Moooommy,” she groaned and I appeased her by setting her down.

I walked in the kitchen expecting to see Joel cooking but instead it was his mom.

“Oh, Danny, where have you been? Joel said you’d been out since before I got here.”

“I was out...picking up a few things for the party.” I silently thanked him that he hadn’t told his mother what happened.

“Well, wash up. The cake is almost cool enough to be iced.” I began icing the circular cake and decorating it to look like a ladybug.

“Is Joel here?”

“No, he said he went to go pick up Daisy’s presents from layaway. Hey, are you two okay? He didn’t seem too thrilled this morning.”

“I can’t lie to you... We’re not all that okay. But we’re going to pull it together for Daisy.”

“As you should.” She gave me a hug. “And whatever it is, I know the two of you can get through it.”

“I hope so.”

“Mom, I’m back. I-” Joel said as he walked in the kitchen then stopped in his tracks. His gaze locked on mine and I could see the hurt I’ve caused swirl around his eyes. “Danny, you’re back.”

“I’m back.”

His jaw tensed up and he broke his gaze and looked down at the cake. “The cake looks great.”

“Joel, can I talk to you in the other room?”

He didn’t move for a moment then nodded and led the way. “You hurt me, Danny.”

“I know and I’m so sorry. I don’t know how many more times I’m going to apologize. Maybe until you get it that I really am-”

“Sorry doesn’t change anything. You just feel bad that you did it. But you did.”

“I don’t have an excuse for what I did. I’m not asking you to forget, but I am asking for your forgiveness.”

“I’m leaving tomorrow to continue the tour. While I’m gone, I’ll think about it. And uh, you can stay here tonight.”

I smiled sheepishly. “Oh, I want to ask you, I don’t know if John is coming today, but if he is, can you not punch him in the face?”

“Are you asking me to pretend like I didn’t catch him in bed with my wife?”

“No, just please... Don’t ruin this for Daisy.”

“Fine. For Daisy.”

The party was underway and a bunch of screaming children were running around the house and Joel, John and I’s families were backed against the wall with undercover alcohol. Amidst all the children, I saw John walk through the door. Man he looks so good. Be quiet, mind.

He walked over to Eric, Jared and the rest of the band and said hello to them then bro-hugged his brothers.

“Hello, John.”

“Danny.”

“Can we please talk?”

“I’m not here for you. I’m here for Daisy. Where is she?”

“I don’t know, she’s one of these running kids.”

“Daddy!” She yelled and he knelt down to hug her and hand her the present he got here.

“Happy Birthday, Sweetie. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

She set her present down and continued playing with her friends.

“You’re leaving? You’re not going to stay for her to open it? Or for some cake?”

He turned around and looked like he was about to give some lengthy explanation as to why he couldn’t stay. He took a breath and said, “No,” and left the house. Well then.

After all the children left and our families dissipated, it was just Joel, Daisy and I. He grabbed his coat and his bag and started to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“I said you could stay here tonight. I didn’t say I’d be staying with you.”

“Jool, can you tuck me in and read me a story?” Daisy called from the hallway.

Half an hour later, he quietly shut her door and walked past me. “I still love you.”

“Danny, I miss you. I do. But I can’t stay in a house you cheated on me with your ex-boyfriend who happens to be my friend. See you later,” he said coldly then walked out.