Growing Up

Ryan followed behind watching as everyone tried to spot Breezy. He felt out of place, they had this common friend they were looking for, even Brendon and Tori already seemed to fit into the group, he felt like a third wheel or more literally a sixth wheel. He was beginning to think he should have stayed on the beach, with the other socially inept people in this group.

“Hey Ry smile pretty!”

Ryan rolled his eyes at Spencer trying to take a picture of him.

“Aw come on, all I want is one nice picture” he took the camera off from around his neck and held it out, “here Tori take a picture of me and Ryan.”

Tori took the camera from Spencer. Spencer came over and put an arm around Ryan’s shoulders.

“Alright say cheese.”

Spencer smiled wide, “Cheese”

Ryan smiled, and once the picture was taken he moved away from Spencer and towards one of the performers on the pier. Tori followed him.

“This guy is good huh?”

Ryan kept his eyes on the juggler, “yeah”

They stood there in silence but he could see out of the corner of his eye that Tori was fidgeting, he knew she wanted to say something, and with Tori it was amazing that she hadn’t blurted it out right away. He took out his wallet and left a dollar in the man’s tip jar. Ryan tucked his wallet back into his pocket and headed towards a woman who would write your name on a grain of rice. He didn’t see the necessity for it but he thought Claudia and Ian would enjoy a souvenir, besides souvenirs were supposed to be something stupid you have no need for. He asked the woman to make two.

“So umm, you’re getting your name on rice?”

“Yeah, Uh no I’m uh getting one for Claud and for Ian.”

“That’s nice of you.”

Ryan gave a small nod.

Tori smiled, “so why are you avoiding everyone? I mean earlier this trip you seemed to be feeling
really well and now you’re like secluding yourself.”

Ryan shrugged, “I’m fine.”

She sighed, “something is obviously bothering you.”

Ryan rolled his eyes at her false concern, “No something is obviously bothering you. You’re obviously on my case because you want to make yourself feel better, but I don’t want to talk and I really don’t need your help.”

She frowned, “no Ryan I just meant that you seem-”

“I know what you meant, and honestly could you just butt out, go meddle in someone else’s life okay.”

“I was just trying to help, but whatever you don’t have to be such a dick,” she said her voice breaking a little.

Ryan watched her turn and walk back towards their friends. He found it slightly humorous how a year ago he would have despised himself for hurting her but right now he didn’t really give a shit.
She pulled Brendon aside and said something to him; he embraced her and said something to her. He then glanced back at Ryan and gave him a small smile before breaking the embrace and taking Tori’s hand in his.

In all honesty now Ryan felt bad for hurting Tori, but mostly he was so fucking sick of feeling like everyone pitied him. Besides Tori had Brendon to comfort her and make her feel better and he was glad for them, but he was sick of feeling alone. He tried relationships but he always sabotaged them not intentionally but still he had sabotaged him; without meaning to he had become his own worst enemy.

He tried to distract himself by looking around the pier, a blue haired girl held his attention for a while. The way her hair whipped around and shone in the breeze was almost hypnotic. His thoughts were interrupted by the woman announcing she had finished painting the rice.
Ryan paid and took the little vials containing the grain of rice; he thanked the woman before he walked further down the pier. He looked around and spotted Spencer taking pictures of the juggler and of the crowd, Zack stood beside him and talked happily. Off to the side he spotted Brendon and Tori talking to Dallon and Two dark haired girls. He assumed the taller older looking one was Breezy.

Ryan felt he wasn’t needed so he walked back to the stairway leading to the beach. He walked unsure of where he was going. Sand began to slip into his sneakers, and he mentally berated himself for not remembering to switch into flip-flops before getting out of the van. He stopped walking and took off his shoes and socks. With his shoes tucked under his arm he continued his walk.

He looked at all the different people on the beach. The young people flirting and laughing playing volleyball and splashing each other in the water. The elderly couples basking in the sun enjoying the companionship of their significant others, the middle aged couples eating and discussing typical things like work and bills. He watched the children running, the toddlers waddling across the sand; the fathers playing Frisbee with their kids, the mothers fussing over putting sunblock on their children; brothers and sisters throwing sand at each other. The whole scene was awful; it hurt to see all this because it was everything he could never have.

He was nothing like people his own age, happiness eluded him. He would never be like the old couple, because he had a flair for fucking up relationships. He didn’t have a doting mother when he was growing up, he and his father had never been close, and the older Ryan got the more the two seemed to drift apart. Ryan felt sorry for the little boys flying a kite with their dad, sure they probably idolized the man now, but eventually they’d grow up and see that he was flawed and no better than any other human. He couldn’t remember how old he was when he had learned this, but it was something he didn’t wish on anyone.

He tried to shake the thoughts from his head, with his free hand he reached into his pocket and picked up the little vial containing the grain of rice. He looked at it closely; the water inside the vial magnified the rice, so the lettering was more visible. He thought that Ian’s would have looked better if he had asked for his last name on it too, since Ian was such a short name, but he couldn’t really do anything about it anymore. He tucked the vial back into his pocket.

He spotted Claudia and Ian. She had her book in her lap and was wearing Ian’s headphones and smiling. Ryan didn’t want to interrupt their fun, so he tried to walk past. But Ian spotted him and waved, “Ryan come here”

The big smile on Ian’s face made Ryan feel needed so he stopped walking turned and headed toward them. He set his shoes on the sand, and took a seat next to his friends. Claudia pulled the headphones off and handed them back to Ian, “I-“

“No wait I want Ryan to listen to it first, and if you say something it might influence what he says.”
Ian Handed Ryan the headphones, “Okay so Alex and I wrote a new song, this is like a rough version because we can’t decide if it’s good or not.”

Ryan put the headphones on and listened to the song. Lyrically it was strong, musically it could use some tweaks. Over all he really liked it. He took the headphones off and handed them back to Ian. “I think it’s really good, I mean there is a part I think that there’s a riff you could add, but overall I think the music is pretty solid, the actual vocals are good, but there is something missing in like the chorus I mean I’d show you what I mean but I’d need my guitar, and I don’t know the lyrics so. . .”

“So you’re willing to help us out on it?”

Ryan nodded, “yeah when we get back home that is if the rest of your band is okay with it.”

Ian smiled and high fived Claudia, “This is great, thanks Ryan.”

Ryan smiled, Ian was one of the best musicians Ryan had met and yet here he was asking Ryan for help. It made him feel like at least some of his friends didn’t keep him around because they pitied him.

He watched Claudia go back to her book and Ian slip his headphones back on and text. Ryan closed his eyes and felt the breeze caress his face, and push his hair around. It was both calming and confusing. How could the breeze be so soft and feel so nice, and yet be so aggressive towards his hair, it was unsettling how one thing could be two completely different extremes at once.

“Are you okay?”

Ryan opened his eyes and was met with Claudia’s oversized sunglasses in his face.

“I guess.”

She closed her book and stuck it inside the bag, “okay if you don’t want to talk about it you don’t have to but try not to take it out on other people, Tori was just trying to help.”

Ryan wasn’t sure if he should feel guilty or be angry that they had already told everyone that he was in one of his “moods” again. He decided to ignore the fact that Claudia was annoyed at him and steer the conversation away from him.

“She is hiding something.”

“No shit.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, now she was getting an attitude. Two seconds ago she was all smiles and sunshine and now she was acting like she hated him.