Honesty

I can't stop throwing and Paul won't talk to me.

It's not even like I'm throwing up anymore. But my body won't stop heaving and I'm pretty sure my throat is bleeding. I can barely get up.

I can't see, either. Crying because I'm so pathetic and it hurts so much. Arms creep round me, hauling me away from the toilet.

"Ellis... Elly, you have to stop."

Carrella, speaking like I have control over it.

"Please, Elly," she said. I could feel her tears seeping into my shirt. "Please."

-

Carrella's bed was always the most comfortable to me.

I woke up a few times around dawn - I always do - but I fell back to sleep almost instantly.

I didn't wake up properly until her mum came in with a cup of tea for us both.

I was aware of Carrella looking at me as I sipped, but I ignored it.

"Ellis," she said when I was almost done.

"Mhm?"

"I wanted to know..."

I waited.

"Are you bulimic?"

Suddenly, the urge to be sick again built up in my stomach.

I shook my head, no.

"Elly... are you sure?"

A nod.

She gave me a skeptic look.

"I'm not bulimic. I promise. I... I vomit sometimes. I can't help it."

Carrella sucked in a deep breath as if, somehow, that was even worse.

"Have you considered the possibility that you're - you know."

I did not know.

"Well - come on Elly, you know."

She was looking all over the place, avoiding my eyes and I wished she'd just spit it out.

"Maybe you're pregnant."

I held the bile in all the way to her bathroom.

-

"Elly, listen to me, please. I spoke to Paul - because I was worried, you know - and he told me you two had had sex - Elly, I'm sorry, please, just - please. I got you a text, Elly, I got you two. Just take them please. Whatever happens, I'm here for you. I know Paul's being a dick right now, but I'll talk to him - Elly, please just - please Elly."