Honesty

I twisted the bracelet round and round my wrist.

Was I still real?

Nothing had felt real recently. Not Paul, not Carson, and certainly not standing with all my friends around me, having their own conversations and their own lives, separate from me.

The only connection I had to the world was a sick feeling in my stomach.

I would slump over the toilet, pouring up my insides the second my brain found a situation it couldn't handle.

Which, unfortunately, was more often than not.

I was finding myself having to lose Paul and Carson in the blink of an eye so I could throw up in peace; without having to explain myself.

This feeling was gaining on me, and I slipped to an upstairs bathroom. Hailey's house had at least four: I usually have to make do with just one.

I had time to swing the door shut before dropping to my knees in front of the toilet and heaving.

There wasn't much to throw up, but my body wouldn't stop trying, and soon my tears were joining the crap in the toilet.

Then hands under my arms, pulling me up, and I was being led to another bathroom; a larger one.

"Thanks Carry," I heard Paul say. "I've got it from here. "

"I'll get her some water," was all Carry said.

Paul leant me up against the side of the bath and begun running water.

Neither of us said anything as he wiped my face clean - I was sickish, teary and sweaty to boot.

Carry came in with a pint glass full of water and begun rummaging around in Hailey's cupboards.

"Do you want to brush your teeth?" she asked, and I nodded.

I let them help me up and guide me to the sink. I ignored them staring as I conscientiously brushed my teeth and gargled the measure of mouthwash Carrella had poured out for me.

"Here."

That was Carrella with the water. I became aware of how dried out I felt, and gulped it down too quickly.

"I'll get you some more," Carrella said, taking the glass from me and leaving me with Paul once again.

He came to me first, pressed against me so I couldn't avoid his eyes.

"Why did you do that?" he asked in a mumble.

I wasn't going to give him any 'I just' justifications. I remained silent.

He groaned. "I hate it when you do that. I wish you would talk to me. Give me some sign that you're still... you."

But I didn't have any sign of that; any proof. So I let my head fall against his shoulder, and I listened to him sigh as he gave in and put his arms around me.

I wanted to cry again, but I wouldn't. Not in front of him.

"I think I'm going to take her home," Paul said, and I could feel his voice reverberate through me.

"Okay." That was Carrella again. "Call me later."

I felt his nod.

And then we were gone.

He had said to people he was taking me home; that I'd had a little too much to drink. I didn't tell him otherwise, not until we were halfway to my house.

"I know," he said, frustrated. "Would you rather I told them you're falling apart and I don't know what's wrong with you?"

I couldn't say anything to that.

"I'm sorry," he said, a few minutes later. "I didn't mean to shout at you. It's just that I..." I didn't listen, after that.

-

I'd fallen asleep with him beside me, but he was gone when I woke up. I didn't mind: I didn't want to face him.

I'd been woken up by my phone buzzing. My vision was blurry, I didn't even try to see who was calling me.

"Hello?" I croaked.

"Morning," Carrella chirped down the phone.

"Morning," I replied.

"What are you doing today? I was wondering if you wanted to go for brunch?"

"Umm," I didn't, really. "Okay. Where?"

"Hot Pepper Jelly at eleven?"

"Sure. I'll see you then. Bye."

"Bye," Carrella said, and then I hung up.

-

Carrella didn't get there till half past, but I was okay with that. I spent the time alone sipping my tea and organising my thoughts.

As soon as we ordered, Carrella launched into the topic of Paul, as I knew she would.

"So what's going on him?"

I shrugged.

"He told me you two... kissed."

We'd done more than that, and she knew it.

I shrugged again. "Yeah. Um. Sometimes."

"You haven't slept with him, have you?"

I shook my head.

"Would you?"

Her drink arrived then, and I was glad I didn't have to answer.

-

"You know he likes you," she said as we left. I didn't say anything. "He really likes you. But - I don't really know what's going on, not at all. But you two are my best friends, and I hate how much you're both hurting over this."

"It's not just this," I wanted to say. "It's everything."

But I couldn't, and the moment passed.