Playground Love

There's nothing left in me. I'm not even crying anymore, I'm just sitting here on the fucking floor staring at my hands on my knees. My mind is blank- but yet it's going crazy. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm confused.. 
Weren't we in this together? Weren't we going to be okay? Did she not believe in us? Because I sure did. I was giving this relationship everything I fucking had. The only time I've doubted us was that time when Vic came to drop my things off. I never went back to those thoughts though, ever! I thought I made it pretty clear that she is worth every struggle we go through... I thought I made it very clear that I loved her more than words can say. So then, why? Why would she do this me? Why?! I know the guilt from her brother was taking a huge-
Her brother. 
Jaime 
Because of that son of a fucking-
Just then, there's violent knocking at the door. I don't even turn my head up to look at it. He'll barge in anyways, why does it matter. 
"Tony?!", Jaime yells and pounds on the door. "I'm coming in-"
The door swings open and I keep my stare to my hands. 
"Hey- hey-", he murmurs and kneels down next to me. I turn my head away from him, not wanting to make eye contact with him at all. "Tony- Tony, come on man!", he says and shakes my shoulders. 
"Get the fuck out of my face!", I yell and shove him off of me.
I slowly look up at him and glare at him, hating every inch of him. 
He stands up and looks down at me. "Don't start with me, Tony! I came here to help!"
I let out a loud, sarcastic laugh and push myself up. "You know what could have helped?", I ask quietly, getting closer to him. No more fear in me at all. At this point, I wouldn't mind if he punched me right in my face. I don't care anymore. This is all his fault. "If you would have fucking accepted Paloma and I!", I yell and shove him by his chest. "If you gave us a chance! This is all your fucking fault!", I yell as I push him. 
He grabs my arm, pushing me back. "You're fucking kidding me, right?! If it wasn't for your fucking feelings- or whatever the fuck it is- Paloma would still be here! If you didn't take her away from me then she would be here! If you weren't off lurking around her and if you just kept your fucking eyes on Stephanie then-"
"Shut the fuck up, Jaime! Why can't you open your fucking eyes?! Stephanie cheated on me- fuck her! Leave her out of this- she's out of this problem! So shut up about Stephanie already!"
"Fine! Whatever! But why couldn't you just leave Paloma alone?! You did this shit- not me!", he yells. "If you would have just left her alone! If you would have just stayed away from her..", his voice trails off. 
Anger builds up in me even more. He's not getting it! He doesn't get it! I can't hold this in anymore- he isn't listening. He won't listen. Paloma is gone now! Because of his dumb ass, she's gone! The next thing I know, my fist meets Jaime's face, throwing him back against the door. His hand covers his nose immediately. "Fuck!", he yells out. 
"You don't get it!", I yell and throw another punch at him, barley touching his chin because he blocks it from his face. "I was giving her everything! You think that if I didn't love her I would have done this to you?!", I say grabbing him by his shoulders with all the force I have in me. "Get over the fact that she's eight-teen! Get over the fact that I'm your best friend dating your sister! Get the fuck over those things and look at how much I did for her! Look at how much I love her!", I yell, now crying. He stares up at me, right into my eyes. "Don't you see?! Paloma is everything to me- everything! And because of how guilty and stressed out she was because of you- she fucking left!", I yell and smash him back against the door, my hands digging into his shoulders. "Because of you!!", I yell in his face. "We could have had it all! But- you!"
Jaime's eyes get watery now- tears coming out from the corners of his eyes. 
"Why couldn't you see? Why?! She means so much to me- why couldn't you see that??", I yell out desperately, barley able to see anymore because of all the tears flooding up my eyes. So much desperation in my voice, thinking that if I yell louder or smash him against this door harder, Paloma would some how appear. 
Jaime is speechless, his hands are on my wrists, not even trying to pull me off anymore. His nose has blood coming down from it and tears start to flow down his cheeks. 
"Tony!", we both hear from outside the door. Jaime and I stare at each other still, with no more words to say. 
The door gets pushed open and I get off Jaime so Alan, Vic, and Mike could come in. Jaime stumbles over to the kitchen counter, and leans against it, his stare blank and on me still. 
Mike looks at Jaime and his bloody nose then at me. "What the fuck did you two do to each other now?!", he says and walks to Jaime, grabbing some paper towels from the kitchen table along the way. 
I don't answer, instead I just stand there, silent. 
Vic and Alan walk to me while Mike deals with Jaime's bloody mess, which he deserves. 
"Tony- dude, you need to tell us what happened. Where's Paloma? What happened?", he asks calmly. It's always Vic who keeps things under control. He's always the problem solver, the one who'd be your designated driver when you're shit-faced. The one who could handle any type of situation at it's worst. Though he's had a lot of his own fucked up adventures- that's Vic and I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life, especially now. 
I take in a deep breath and let it out, ready to say what I don't want to. "Paloma left..", I say, trying hard not to let my voice crack. "She- she just- she was gone..", I take in another breath. "When I got back home...", I breathe out. 
Vic stares at me for a long second, then nods. "Did she leave anything?", he asks quietly. 
"The closet- it's empty... she took all her fucking things!", I yell out, starting to get hurt again. 
Vic places one hand on my shoulder. "Calm down, calm down, man.."
I look away from him, trying to hold back more tears. "She left a note. It's on the table.", I say blankly. 
Vic walks to the table and grabs the notepad, silently reading it. I glance up at Jaime and Mike. Jaime stares at the notepad in Vic's hand as Mike dabs a wet paper towel at his nose. Alan walks up next to Vic, reading the note along with him. Vic sets the note down and both he and Alan glance up at me. I shake my head. "That's it. She's gone.", I say, feeling myself break down again. 
"We're going to find her, Tony. She couldn't have gone too far, alright? It'll be okay.", Vic says, confidently. I shake my head. 
"We go on tour in less than two weeks, man! How the fuck-", I brake off mid-sentence to take in a breath to hold back these fucking tears, "How the fuck are we going to find her?!"
"We will.", Alan says staring at me. "We're going to find her, Tony, we will."
I look down, hopeless. 
"First- we should call everyone she would know. Jaime-" Vic turns to him. Jaime is still blank as he looks up at him. "We need-"
"Jaime could get the fuck out of here- this is all his fucking fault!", I yell and point at him. 
"Enough! You two need to forget all about your little feud together, alright?! Little Palomita is out there and we're gonna try our best to bring her back, but you two need to stop this, now!", Mike yells at Jaime and I. "Let it go, Tony. Focus on Paloma. Jaime, let it go! Tony and Paloma are obviously staying together- focus on Paloma."
I stare at Jaime and he stares at me with a sad look on his face. I brake eye contact with him and grab my keys from the kitchen table. "I'm not going to do this with Jaime. He's the one who did this- the reason why Paloma left- I'll look for her myself.", I say and walk out the door.
"Tony!", I hear them yell. I get in my car and drive off. 
To where- who knows. I just know that I need to find her. I need to bring her back to me. We've come this far- I'm not letting her go now. 
Not ever. 

~

"Moving in with you would have been pretty obvious, don't take it personally, please.", I say into the phone. 
Angie sighs. "I just feel like you'd be safe here... That I know you're with me and you're safe."
"I am safe. I'm really safe. I'm with my cousin, Ruth. It's okay."
"You could be with your best friend, Angie.", she mumbles. 
I chuckle. "Jaime doesn't even remember Ruth. He doesn't know half of our family at that. All the boys know who you are, especially Mike."
Angie laughs this time. "True.. Paloma?"
I sigh, I know what's coming now. "Yeah.."
"Are you going to be okay?"
I swallow back the lump that quickly stars to form in my throat. "Don't ask me that, please. Not now, okay? Please-", I say, my eyes getting watery as an image of Tony pops up in my head. Fuck. 
"Paloma, I'm sorry-"
"I'll call you later? Okay?", I say quickly, before I start to cry. 
I hang up before she answers and stuff my head in a pillow so it could absorb my tears. I give it my all to push Tony out of my mind, but he keeps popping up. 
His smile. His laugh. His touch. His words. 
I start to sob into the pillow even harder. 
It was for him. This was all for him. You couldn't be there anymore- it was impossible to make peace between him and Jaime, you weren't going to win. No one was. You fucked it all up, so just suck it in! 
This. Is. For. Him.
As much as I despise that horrible voice in me, I believe and accept it. It's the truth. I did fuck everything up. I'm not good for Tony nor will I ever be good for Tony. He should just go back with who he belongs with- Stephanie. As much as that hurts me, it's what's supposed to happen. 
Tony will forget about me eventually, he has to. Jaime will too. This isn't the first time we've been apart anyways, just this time, I'm the one that left him. He could deal with it just like I did when he left. 
Tony has so much more ahead of him. He's a perfect guy who will one day find the women he deserves. Someone who isn't a, useless, fucked up teenager. I'm nothing anyways- absolutely nothing. He's this amazing, talented, funny, perfect guy. Why did he even take a look at my direction? None of it makes sense. I'm a no body, but at least I did something good in my life for once and left. Finally, I'm out of the way. What happened, happened. But now, at least I won't be in Tony's way. Though my heart aches every time I even say his name... 
I don't deserve him.
My harsh thoughts eventually stop me from crying. I lift my head up from the pillow and wipe away all the tears from my face and neck. In good time too, because right then, my Aunt Lorena comes in the room which Ruth and I now share. 
"Mija?", she says. 
I look up at her and smile. "Si Tia?"
She gives me a concerned look. "Estas bien?"
I nod. "Estoy bien.", I sigh. 
She gives me a smile and Ruth pops up next to her. "Enchiladas are ready! Let's go eat, baby cakes."
I smile at Ruth. "Alright! I'll be right out."
"Estan bien ricas!", my aunt says, clapping her hands together. 
I laugh. "Y no mientes!!"
I get up off the bed and walk out the room, to the small dining room table. I look up at the fridge and notice a picture of my father with my aunt when they were young, then another one right next to it when I was just a baby in my father's arms and Jaime was only a couple years old, my mother holding his hand. All that's left is my little sister. But she was not in the equation at the time. A lump forms in my throat again and I look down at the table. 
I miss them so much.
My aunt places a plate with three Enchiladas on it in front of me, snapping me out of my thoughts. 
"Comè mija!" 
I smile at her and Ruth nudges my shoulders. "How long has it been since you've eaten homemade Mexican food?"
I laugh and stab my fork into the tortilla filled with chicken. "Way too long. That's for sure."
She laughs and I stuff my face with the food. "I'm happy you're with us. I've missed you a lot."
I smile at her, wiping my mouth with my napkin. "I missed you guys too. I miss family. Real, family."
She grins and looks down at her plate. "Everything will turn out just the way it should in the end, Paloma. Don't worry."
I stop eating and stare at my food. I've heard that one too many times before to believe, but I nod. "Yeah...", I mumble and stuff another piece of tortilla into my mouth. 

I don't care about my happiness anymore. My happiness is hours away from me. My happiness left a long time ago, only to come back to leave another hole in my chest. My happiness died in a car crash. My happiness is completely out of storage now. And frankly, I'm not planning on restocking it any time soon. Because every time I do, it gets taken away from me. In some manner, form, and way, it gets taken from me. 
So I give up. I'll just live life day by day now without feeling. Maybe I'll give in one day. I have nothing else to live for...
One day, one day... Soon. 

~

I look at the digital clock on my radio, it reads 10:00pm. I've been searching for her for hours. I've looked everywhere I thought she would be, which was difficult because she didn't really explore San Diego all that much. I went to Vanessa's apartment even, desperate for an answer. She was just as clueless as I was. 
I take the keys out of the ignition and drag myself to the front door, all the energy in my body completely gone. 
I open the front door and lazily slam it shut. Mike, Vic, Alan, and Jaime are all huddled in the kitchen with their phones in their hands.
"Tony? Tony- you're back!", Mike says. I throw my keys on the kitchen table and walk to our- my room, without another word. 
"I didn't find her.", I say, emotionless before locking myself in the room. 
I take my snap-back off and throw it somewhere in the room and take my shirt off, also throwing it somewhere on the floor, before landing on the bed. I grab a pillow and push it to my chest, breathing in it. My eyes open and fill with tears as I smell it. It smells like her. Everything in this bed- it's all her. These messy sheets- it's all her. Then- without control, flashes of last night take over my mind. 
I get up and pull my shirt back on and place my snap-back back on my head, then walk out the room. I grab my keys and start to head out the door. 
"Tony- where are you going?", Alan asks, all of them approaching me.
"I can't fucking sleep in there- it's all her, everything!", I yell. 
Jaime opens his mouth, then closes it again, looking down. 
"We're going to find her- it'll be-", Vic starts to say. 
"No! It won't be okay! Where would she be?! In all of San Diego?! Where the fuck would she be!", I yell. 
Vic looks down. 
"We're all trying, Tony. We're trying.", Mike says, putting a hand on Vic's shoulder. 
I clench my teeth. I need to leave. I'm letting everything out on the wrong people. "I have to go. I'll see you guys later.", I say and walk out. 
When everything seems like it will be okay, life pulls the rug right under my feet, away from me. 
She's all want. She's all I really want. 

I can't believe that just last night, I was in bed, making love to the girl that I love; and now this night, I'm in a Motel room alone and hurt. 
I grab the pillow next to my head and pull it up to my chest. 
Disappointed that it doesn't smell like her, but then again, glad that it doesn't. 
The worst part of it all, is that I don't even know if she's okay. Paloma is a very independent type of girl, but she doesn't know San Diego at all. She doesn't know the streets, anything! She's out there, somewhere.. hopefully not alone. Hopefully safe and warm in a nice bed or in a safe place. Hopefully thinking of me, hopefully thinking about coming back into my arms. Where she belongs.
I shut my eyes and squeeze the pillow even closer go my chest, trying to make this horrible feeling go away. 
Every single cell in my body misses her. 
Every, single, one..